What are you doing to me?

I wasn't actually going to work, I just needed some time away to think. I showered and got ready like I normally did, but instead of work clothes I pulled on an old Misfits hoodie and a pair of navy blue skinny jeans.
I went upstairs to the study, where Gerard was doing his last course, to tell him the truth.
"Hey, do you got a minute? I gotta tell you something." He jumped at my voice, and then his eyes went wide with worry and uncertainty.
"Sure. Wh-what's up?" He stumbled on his words a bit.
"Its nothing bad, I swear." I walked in and shut the door behind me. He still looked a little worried, but he tried to hide it with a smile- but I still saw it.
"Okay... So what's going on? Don't you gotta be at work soon?"
"Actually, they don't need me today. But I'm going to go out and clear my head and think things over. And maybe I'll visit my mom."
"Oh, okay. When will you be back?"
"Few hours from now, don't worry."
He nodded. "Kay." He puckered his lips, so I obliged and gave him a kiss. He tried to deepen it, but I pecked his lips and walked towards the door. He looked sad, like really sad.
"Sorry, babe. But I gotta go before visiting hours are over."
"Sure. Love you" he sounded hopeful.
"Me too" I mumbled it so that it sounded like I said I loved him back.

°°°

I got to the rehab center with enough time to visit my ma for a few hours. I stopped by a shop on the corner to get her some flowers. Her favorite flower is chicory, which are in full bloom this time of year.
I reached the clerk desk, and since I didn't know which room was her's, I decided to ask for directions.
"Can I help you?" the lady asked behind the counter, she had short brown hair and gorgeous green eyes.
"Yeah, I'm looking for Linda Iero's room? I'm not sure which one it is. Can you give me directions to find it?"
"Linda Iero..." she typed in the name. After scrolling for 20 seconds she looks up at me. "Linda checked out of here almost a month ago."
My heart stopped. "Why wasn't I notified? I'm her son, I think I should know these things."
"She requested that nobody know. Said she was gonna go to New York for a while."
"Do you know the address where she resides in New York?"
She shook her head. "Personal information. I cannot give that out.Sorry."
"Please. I haven't seen or heard from her in over 6 months. Is there any way you can give me the address?"
Once again, she shook her head and went back to typing.

I wanted to cry and scream and hit some thing. Why wouldn't she tell me? She should've called or something. My number has been the same for years. I know she memorized it.
That's when I thought to call her. I pulled out my phone and dialed her number.
After two rings she picked up. "Hello?" it didn't sound like her. It must've been some one else.
"Uh, hi. I'm looking for Linda Iero?"
"You got the wrong number." the line went dead after that. So, she moves to New York and changes her number- all without letting me know. Why wouldn't she call and let me know? Shouldn't I know these things?
I decided to go back home. I was devastated and heart broken. I wanted nothing more than to be held at this moment. Gerard would surely understand and humor my wishes, right?
I mean, I forgave him for the party. And we were going to talk about his tone and whatever else he wanted to talk about, which meant we were good right? We weren't fighting still, right?
I'm so emotional at the moment, that I couldn't think straight. I mean, I was feeling everything at once. The thing I was feeling the most was guilt.
I should've called her sooner, and went to visit her sooner. I should've asked her about what she wanted to do when she left rehab. I should've been a better son. Why did I have to be so selfish all of the time?


°°°


I got home and found everyone hanging out in the kitchen.
"Hey, baby. How is she doing?" Gerard was the first to greet me.
I shrugged. I couldn't bring myself to say anything.
"Are you okay? What's going on?"
I looked at the ground and shrugged again. I placed the flowers on the counter top closest to me, smiled at Ray and Mikey and motioned for Gerard to follow me down stairs.

He followed me immediately. As soon as we got down stairs I went to lay in the bed and patted the place next to me.
"Baby, what's going on? Talk to me", he was standing by the foot of the bed.
I patted the spot next to me once more before saying, "can you hold me? I'll tell you in a bit, I just need to be held right now." my voice was barely above a whisper.
Without hesitation he crawled into the bed and wrapped his arms around me. I buried my face in the crook of his neck , inhaled his scent and started bawling. His arms wrapped around me tighter and he rocked back and forth, soothing me.
"Shhhh...." he kept saying over and over. I hadn't noticed that he sta up and pulled me into his lap I was crying so hard.
I calmed down a bit, but I was still in no mood to talk about it... Or at all. He waited silently and patiently for me to talk to him, but I couldn't formulate all of the words to communicate with him.
I just wanted to go to sleep and be comforted . "Can you sing to me again?" it was less than a whisper but he heard it.
"Of course." he was quiet for a long time before begining:

" We hold in our hearts the sword and the faith
Swelled up from the rain, clouds move like a wrath
Well after all, we'll find some other way
To carry on through cartilage and fluid
And did you come to stare or wash away the blood?

Well tonight, well tonight
Will it ever come?
Spend the rest of your days rocking out
Just for the dead
Well tonight
Will it ever come?
I can see you awake anytime, in my head

Did we all fall down?
Did we all fall down?
Did we all fall down?
Did we all fall down?
From the lights to the pavement
From the van to the floor
From backstage to the doctor
From the earth to the mourge, mourge , mourge, mourge

Well tonight
Will it ever come?
Spend the rest of your days rocking out
Just for the dead
Well tonight
Will it ever come?
I can see you awake anytime in my head

All fall down
Well after all..."

It was hauntingly beautiful, it also helped me calm down enough to start talking .
"Okay, I'm ready to tell you what happened " his arms let go of me and I instantly missed the contact. "Keep holding me, please " his arms relaced themselves around my waist


°°°


He looked shocked and sad at the same time. With much difficulty I told him what happened and everything the lady behind the desk said.
"That's fucked, Frankie. I'm sorry"
" 'S not your fault." I mumbled. "I just feel guilty because for the last 6 months I've been happy and living, while she's been miserable. I didn't even bother to call even once to check up on her. I feel terrible."
He stayed quiet for eternity before saying, "One of my cousins live in New York and work at the post office, I can ask and see if he knows where your mom might be- if you're up for that. We don't have to go right away, I can give him a call, and in a few weeks we can drive and meet him."
That wasn't a bad idea. But, what if she didn't wanna see or talk to me? "Do you think she'll wanna see me? I did ignore her for 6 months..."
He shrugged. "I wish I can tell you that she will, but I don't know how your mom thinks. Its worth a try though"
I nodded "okay".

We stayed quiet like that for 10 minutes before he spoke up again. "Quick question; who's Oliver?"
I leaned back and looked at him. "I think I had him in my science class before we left. Why?"
"Because he came into the store yesterday asking for you. He came to me directly and asked me to give you his number. Even blushed at your name."
"That's odd. We only talked once." it was true, he asked me for a pencil and I told him I didn't have one.
"Huh. He told me he was your friend." that tone was starting to creep back into his voice. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and my skin crawl. I climbed off of him slowly and stood on the other side of the room, no longer feeling safe and loved. "You aren't cheating on me with him, are you?" the tone was back and scarier than ever.
It reminded me back when I was with Jorge. I was getting scared and could feel the tears prick in my eyes. "Well?" He chided me.
"No. How could you even say something like that?"
"I just thought because he came and asked for you. And the way you're acting right now isn't very convincing. Tell me the truth. Are you cheating on me?"
"Jesus- fu- no! How could you even- why would you even- UGH. No I am not cheating on you. I cannot believe you would accuse me of that." I was shaking now.
" Again, your words are saying one thing, but your actions are saying another. Why are you shaking and why are your eyes darting back and forth?" he stood and walked over to me. "Is it because you're lying?"
"N-no!"
"Then why-"
"BECAUSE IM FUCKING TERRIFIED RIGHT NOW GERARD! YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THAT TONE REMINDS ME OF JORGE OR HOW MUCH IT STRIKES FEAR INTO ME!"
He backed away and looked me in the eyes. His showed tears while mine were fucking pouring buckets.
"Frank, I- I don't even know what to s-"
"Fucking save it. I don't need to hear your bullshit apologies. Don't talk to me until you figure out how to control yourself. You have no idea how scared I am right now." my voice was extremely shaky. I felt like I was just held a gun point.

I found my legs and got them to work. I walked out of the room, ignoring his protests for me to go back and talk to him, walked past Mikey and Ray ( ignoring their stares as well) and locked myself in the guest bedroom. I sat down and started crying for the third time in four hours.

Notes

If you say you haven't gotten emotional while listening to Desert Song, then you're lying.
Also: do y'all think Frank should dump Gerard or stay with him?

Thx Ily
- xo cellabrationaf