Beautiful Fool

I woke on my back, with Gerard’s head nestled in the crook of my neck and his arms and legs wrapped around my body. It took a few seconds for the events of the night before to come back to me, and then another few seconds for me to sort them all out. My chest tightened. I couldn’t believe this wasn’t a dream, like all the dreams I’d had over the course of the last 20-some days.He was here, in my arms. I brushed my lips to the top of his head.
I tried to push Pete out of my mind. I tried to forget that it was hardly more than 24 hours before that I had slept with him. That not 12 hours before I had ditched him. I tried to tell myself that it was O.K. what I had done, that I hadn’t used Pete, but I had. I’d used him to get Gerard out of my mind, and then the second Gerard came back, I ran after him without a look back.
I wondered what Gerard would say, if he’d known that the night before I’d been sleeping next to someone else.
I reminded myself that Gerard had no right to be upset. We’d known each other for little more than two days before he snuck out. He left me. He could not hold me accountable for how I tried to kill the loneliness.
I hated that I felt anger rising in me, remembering the jealousy Gerard had showed the night before in the hallway, just anticipating that he would be upset if he knew just how far things had progressed with Pete. I felt anger towards myself, remembering how I had called Pete nothing. He deserved more than that. He certainly deserved more than what I had done to him last night.
I wiggled out from under Gerard, careful not to move him too much. He stirred and rolled onto his stomach. I walked quietly and went out into the living room. Before I I shut the door I looked back at him. His hair was a mess and his cheek was smashed against the pillow. I chuckled to myself.
I went to his desk and stared at all the faces again, all my faces again. I still felt the same affection towards Gerard that I had the night before, but there was something else now.
A toxicity I hadn’t felt.
We had known each other for so little time and we were both too far in.
He had managed to throw away six months of sobriety, cried in my arms, slept in my bed, disappeared on (what I assume) was a three week bender.
I had waited in a cafe every morning for a week, attended parties searching for him, slept with another man pretending it was him.
In the matter of two days we had managed to lose our fucking minds, to put it lightly.
How was this O.K.?
I sifted through the drawings. They were soft somehow and his fondness was obvious in the way he took care in the details. He had memorized my face and hadn’t stopped drawing it. There were several of me sleeping, and I wondered how long he had watched me before he left me alone that morning. I wondered if he had debated on it for a while, if he had almost stayed.
I heard the bedroom door creak open.
“I thought you had left, sailor,” he said. His voice was quiet and rough with sleep. I smiled despite myself.
I didn’t say anything but I turned and gave him a soft smile. His hair was sticking up all over his head. His boxers were riding low on his hips and his tank top was twisted around him.
After a few seconds I turned back around and heard footsteps coming up behind me. He stood beside me and I felt his presence, so close and heady. I wanted to drown in it. He stared at the wall, and we didn’t speak for several moments.
“I’m embarrassed,” he finally said.
I shifted, but said nothing.
“I’m sorry you had to see me like that, like this,” he gestured towards the wall, and then around his messy apartment. He walked away and slumped onto the couch. I turned from the wall and looked at him, head in his hands, elbows on his knees. I still couldn’t say anything, somehow stuck in my own thoughts, trying to match what he was saying to what I was feeling.
He continued, “I’ve never been like this before, Frank Iero. I’ve never lost it like this before. And you’re a man. And this is all so terrifying to me, O.K.?” He sounded angry, but I knew it wasn’t directed at me. “I have never obsessed over someone’s face, or the way they said my name. I woke up that morning and I couldn’t fucking breathe. I couldn’t fucking think. I was hungover and I was angry and everything smelled like you and I had to leave.”
I leaned against his desk, continuing to listen. I knew he wasn’t done yet. He looked up.
“I left. Because this isn’t right.”
“Because I’m a man?” I asked.
“No. Not even that. Because we hardly knew each other. Hardly know each other. I don’t understand this. Do you feel it too?”
I walked over to him and sat on the coffee table across from him. He looked down at his hands. Our knees touched. I reached out and tilted his face up by his chin. He smiled slightly at the familiar touch.
“Gerard,” I said and he tilted his head a little. I paused, simply staring at him for a few seconds. I couldn’t even think straight. “This is so fucked up,” I finally said.
He furrowed his brows and the corner of his mouth pulled down.
I leaned in and cupped both his cheeks with my hands and brushed my lips to his and he gasped a little, surprised. Before he could react, I pulled away, his face still in my hands. “But it’s too late now. I’m in this,” I said.
I felt him physically relax beneath me, “I’m in this too, sailor.”
I groaned and leaned forward again, kissing him harder this time, both of my hands tangling in his hair. I moved from the coffee table to straddling his lap in one quick movement and he moaned loudly into my mouth. He grabbed my hips tightly and I ground my pelvis down. He threw his head back with a gasp, running one hand up to grip a fistful of hair tightly. I smirked and watched his face as I pressed down again, into his hardening cock. His eyes were shut and his mouth open in a small “o”. I leaned forward and nipped at his neck.
“Oh god,” he moaned. My own cock was so hard just from the noises he was making. I pressed down again, kissing just above his collarbone, biting lightly. “Oh, Frank.”
I pulled away and tugged at the edge of his shirt and he sat up so I could pull it over his head. I ran my hands up and down his chest and he blushed, trying to cover himself with his hands. I shook my head and leaned down. I spread kisses over his chest, feeling his heart pounding. I brought my lips to his ear and kissed below it softly, “You beautiful fool,” I said.
He let out a noise, almost like a whimper. “My room,” he managed to say. Then he was suddenly grabbing my ass and standing up, holding me to him. I wrapped my legs around his waist and held on. He laughed and leaned in, kissing my lips softly as he carried me into the bedroom.
He fell onto the bed with me, straddling me, leaning in and attacking my neck. I moaned and stretched my neck out for him. He sat up, bringing me with him. He pulled my tank top over my head and I fell back to the bed. He stared at me, wide-eyed, and then ran the tips of his fingers over the lines of my many tattoos. I shivered and wiggled beneath him.
“These are-“ he stopped, shaking his head. I felt self conscious.
“I know, they’re not that great, just in the navy-“ he leaned down and kissed me softly.
“Hush. I was going to say they’re wonderful,” he said.
I leaned up and kissed him again.
He ran his fingers lightly over the lines of the spiderwebs on my chest, and began slowly grinding into me. I groaned loudly and he smirked down at me. I couldn’t take his teasing and I surprised him but bringing my leg up and knocking him over, rolling on top of him. I continued kissing his chest and trailed the kisses down his stomach. His breathing was picking up with anticipation. I kissed down to the hemline of his boxers and glanced up at him. He nodded.
I slowly pulled them down, his hard cock springing free. I pushed them to his knees and he kicked them off the rest of the way. I leaned down, keeping my eyes up at him, him keeping his eyes on me. His eyes were half shut, he was biting his lip, it was almost too much. I slid my tongue down the underside of his cock and back up again. Gerard threw his head back into the bed.
“Oh,” was all he could say. I smiled and swirled my tongue around the head, and then slowly took him fully into my mouth. He was panting and trying to lift his hips up, shove himself further into my mouth. I held his hips to the bed, he groaned. I slowly, agonizingly so, brought my lips down as far as I could and back up again.
“Please,” he begged softly. I brought my hand up and stroked the base of his cock while I picked up the pace of my mouth. He began moaning loudly and I knew he really wouldn’t last long. I brought my other hand down and pushed my own boxers down and grabbed hold of my own aching cock. I jerked myself to the same rhythm I stroked him. We were both a mess of panting and sweat and my mouth faltered in it’s rhythm a few times.
“Oh fuck, Frankie, fuck, I’m gonna,” I picked up my rhythm on both of us, feeling the same heat pooling around in my stomach and I was close too. He grabbed my hair tightly as he came into my mouth and I swallowed every drop. I continued to stroke myself before he sat up quickly, albeit a little ungracefully, and flipped me so I was on my back. Without a second thought, he took me into his mouth. He was sloppy and I could tell he was still shaking and coming down from his own orgasm, but he ran his tongue up the bottom and took me fully into his mouth.
“Gerard-“ I choked out before I came. I stayed there, panting and staring at the ceiling, and he raised himself up and fell down beside me. I looked over at him and his eyes were closed, a small smile on his lips. I sighed and rolled onto my side, wrapping my arms around him.
He wiggled onto his side, his face against my neck and pressed his bare chest to mine, encircling his arms around me too and we stayed like that, holding each other.
I glanced at the clock. It was only 10am, we had the whole day spread out before us, and I wanted to do exactly nothing except hold him.

I woke up sometime later and Gerard was gone. I heard shuffling around in the living room, and I smiled. I sat up in the bed and stretched. The clock said it was half past noon. I slipped out of the bed and found my boxers, pulling them on. I walked out of the bedroom, to find a different version of the living room. It was entirely clean. All of the bottles had been gathered up and thrown out, the papers all organized, the surfaces wiped clean. The desk was orderly, the drawings on the wall were hung back up in a more fashionable way. Gerard was in the kitchen, wearing pants but no shirt, facing away and singing softly to himself. I walked up behind him softly and wrapped my arms around his waist. He jumped, but then relaxed into my arms. I kissed his shoulder.
“Good afternoon,” he said, turning and smiling at me.
“It looks fantastic in here,” I said.
His smile faltered a little, “yeah I didn’t want you to have to see the place like that anymore. When I’m not drinking,” he stopped and looked away, “well, I’m not normally so sloppy.”
I nodded, unsure of what to say. I could tell he was uncomfortable by the topic.
“I’m quitting again,” he said, and kissed my cheek before turning again. I let go of him and he continued putting dishes away. “You don’t have to see that side of me anymore.”
“Don’t do it for me,” I said.
“It’s just for you. I don’t want to be that person.”
I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face.
“I’m proud of you.”
He turned and smiled, shrugging.
“I’m making sandwiches for lunch, are you hungry?”
“Very,” I said, suddenly very aware of the fact.
“Perfect. Make yourself at home. I’ll get started on those.”
I turned from the kitchen and went to his desk. I looked at the projects left out, the one’s that didn’t involve my face. A lot of advertisements. Soaps and cigarettes mostly. His typewriter sat with a single sheet, entirely blank. Beside it were a stack of papers with a lot of red markings.
“Is this your novel?” I asked.
“Hm?” he poked his head around the corner, “ah, yeah.”
“Can I?”
“Not yet. It’s not done.” He turned back to the kitchen. I huffed but continued looking around. Several notebooks were stacked up, a few little nick-nacks lined a shelf.
I went to the phonograph and picked a record to play, Elsie Clark. The needle fell and the static filled the room before the first song kicked in.
Gerard came into the room with two plates, a sandwich on each, he looked at the phonograph and smiled. “I didn’t have much in the way of fixings,” he said, “just some turkey and cheese really,” he blushed.
I took the two plates from him and placed them on the desk.
“What’re you-“
I grabbed his hips and pulled him to me, and then took one hand and put us in a ballroom dance position. “Dance with me,” I said.
He laughed, “of course.”
I leaned over and turned the nob up and the music filled the room. I turned back to him and we began to sway with the swing music. I spun him around the room and he laughed the whole time, childlike. I could hardly stand the swelling in my chest at the sound of his laughter. I smiled widely.
He began to sing along, the laughter still evident in his voice. I was struck by how well he sang.
“Cry baby blues, you’re gonna die baby, kisses you’ll lose are sweet as pie baby,” he sang, and I spun, “Ask most any sweetie at the candy shop, what good is a lolly without any pop? If I skidoos you're gonna cry baby, those cry baby blues.” Soon enough I was singing along too. The both of us, laughing and singing and dancing back and forth through his clean living room.
This is what falling in love with Gerard Way felt like, and I never wanted the song to end. But it did end, and he leaned forward, pressing his lips to mine.
“I’m starved,” he said, and went to the sandwiches I had forgotten about. He handed me my plate and we sat on the couch, listening to the rest of the album and eating. I could tell he was deep in thought, and I let him think. I looked around while I ate my (rather bland) sandwich. My mind drifted back to Pete. I knew I needed to contact him and apologize, but I didn’t want to face my guilt.
The record came to an end and Gerard sighed.
“I suppose I can’t go back to The Gimlet anymore,” he said as he put his plate down on the coffee table.
“No, I suppose not. What was the fight about anyway?” I thought to the night before. The one blow that took the bartender down, Gerard standing over him.
Gerard looked away, sighing, “I’m embarrassed.”
I reached out and put my hand on his knee.
He continued, “he caught me stealing bourbon from the bar.”
“The bottle you threw?”
“Yeah. The funny thing? I had the money. I didn’t need to steal it. I just wanted to feel something.” He looked away from me, his eyebrows furrowed. “When I get to drinking, I do stupid stuff.”
“Doesn’t everyone?”
“I suppose. But a lot of other people know when to say when.”
I nodded slowly and he looked back to me.
“I’m not judging you,” I said.
He smiled lightly, “I know. You’re too kind.”
I put my plate down on top of his and held out my arms. “C’mere”
He obliged laying down across the couch, his torso in my arms, our legs both spread down the couch. I rubbed lazy circles against his arm with my thumb.
“It’s going to be alright,” I said.
He looked up at me, his hazel eyes bright and a small smile, “I can’t believe this is real, that you’re really here.”
My own face broke into a smile, “I can’t either. I keep expecting to wake up.”
He put his head back down and began to hum the song we had been dancing to.
“Will you stay the night again?” he asked.
“Of course,” I said, “glad to.” Knowing full well there was no where else I would rather be.
He sat back up, keeping a hand on my arm. He looked at me, “I, uh, I also was wondering, if, well,” he rambled on.
“What is it?” I asked, smiling.
“Tomorrow night, I have this, uh, I’m going to be singing at a club. Not The Gimlet, obviously. But this thing has been booked. And I was wondering if you wanted to go?” He bit his lip.
I smiled widely, “I would love to, Gerard.”
“Yeah?” still biting his lip.
I laughed and leaned in, kissing him softly. He smiled against my lips and I pulled him back down on top of me. We kissed softly and without urgency, we had all the time in the world. I found myself thinking for the second time that day, this is what it’s like to fall in love with Gerard Way. And I never wanted it to end.

Notes

Yay, happy stuff! And some sexy stuff ;)
Thank you for reading!
Updates might get a little more erratic, I'll be fairly busy the next few weeks. But I appreciate ya'll sticking with me!

-Me