Crush, Crush

I found myself at the cemetery gates taking a drag on my fourth cigarette since having visited. My visits to my mother were becoming more frequent lately. I felt a lot more at ease when sitting and talking with her than I did when I was by myself lately. I still couldn't bring myself to smoke in front of her though, and so there I stood kicking at the loose gravel with my boot as Gerard's car pulled up. I watched him, the sun in my eyes, waiting for him to get out. I knew why he'd come. I knew who had sent him.

For whatever reason, Mikey had decided in his head that my being back in Jersey would mean I'd wanna go see his band's shows now. Not only that, but he'd wanted me to accompany Clarissa on their short tour of the states. Of course, this was totally out of the question. 'But you and Gerard are friends now,' he'd whine, as if it was suddenly so simple. I couldn't do it. I was ready to admit that I was afraid if it meant not having to go. And even that hadn't been enough to help him understand. I recalled our fight and almost regretted being so angry like I was, especially with Clarissa standing awkwardly in the background, looking unsure as to whether she should step in or not. I knew she understood me, even if we never spoke about it. I knew she'd picked up on the fact that I'd never quite managed to shake Gerard.

Gerard finally got out of his car and made his way over towards me. I felt he could already sense my hostility as he approached with caution in his eyes, and hesitance in his steps.

"Mikey told me you'd be here."

"I bet he did."

"He says you've been coming here a lot lately."

"So?" Gerard flinched, and I made a mental note to perhaps back off a little. After all, none of this was his fault. Not directly, anyway.

"Look, I couldn't care less if you come on this tour or not, alright? But Mikey... well he's always wanted you to be there. He's always wanted you to hear our songs and join us on our little adventures. Clarissa, too. She tends to get bored when we have to do the boring press stuff."

I couldn't find a suitable reply. I couldn't go. Not if it meant living in close quarters with him for a couple of weeks. Not if it meant exploring our newfound friendship any further... which seemed to be what he wanted from it all. And I didn't quite understand why. Did he really wish to be friends or was he just feeling sorry for what he'd put me through all those years ago? I just wasn't sure about him anymore. I'd never been sure about him though. It was part of what made me so interested in him.

"Anyway, that's not what I'm here to discuss." Oh?

"Then why are you here, Gerard?" He looked a little unsure of himself. I was waiting for a reply that wasn't coming. "Is it about Mikey at all?"

"No."

"Clarissa?" He shook his head. "Well we have no other common ground..."

"My mum was cleaning out the basement for me a couple of months ago for when I moved back, just some boxes of old books and videos and general junk, ya know? Well she was sorting out what to keep and what to throw last night when she came across a couple of old photo albums. She reckons there's pictures of your mum in them that you haven't seen before, from before she was married, and I told her you were back in town and might be interested in going through them."

"Thanks..." I hadn't seen Mrs Way in so long. My heart ached a little at the idea of catching up with her again.

"She said you're welcome to stop by for tea or something tonight. About 7? She misses you, you know."

"I haven't forgotten her. She was very kind to me throughout my childhood." Gerard looked like he wasn't quite sure what to say. I guess he knew it was still hard on me, thinking about my mum. I mean, look where we were, after all. But I was always a little stronger than I thought I was. I got that from her. "I'll drop by, around 7."

"I'll let her know. She'll be pleased to hear it." Gerard went to leave then. "Oh and don't worry too much about Mikey. He'll... well he'll understand in the end." I couldn't help but wonder by the softness of Gerard's tone if he knew my reasons for not wanting to go. I was blushing, I knew, at the idea that he could think I still had a thing for him. I was pretty sure Clarissa wasn't so stupid as to tell him anything though and if Mikey couldn't figure it out then what hope did Gerard have? And besides, I wasn't so sure myself. Sure, there was a dull buzz in my stomach when I saw him but I was sure that was just a normal reaction to seeing someone you once loved, just a little, just enough to make it hurt.

Notes

Eenie weenie update. I had a sudden idea and needed to get it out before I could overthink it and ruin the whole thing.

I promise I'm actively thinking about this story it's just that I've hit a massive writer's block with it and it's not passing with ease.

Hopefully the next update will come sooner given that I've found a direction to go in :)