Prom Fever

When we ship off to youth group later that night, Gerard seems… out of it.
Usually, Gerard leads our small group in prayer. He’s not assigned to do so; it’s just the way things have always gone. Gerard has always had that leadership quality when it came to his faith. Besides, the rest of the kids, myself included, are either too shy or don’t care. I fall into the too shy category, and Mikey’s with the kids that couldn’t give a shit about God if they tried. In fact, Mikey may or may not be an atheist; he only goes to youth group because some kid named Pete Wentz attends on a regular basis.
Mikey has been talking about this Pete kid nonstop. So much that Gerard has made a rule that for every time Mikey says Pete’s name, he gets punched in the arm.
Despite how much Mikey has been going on and on about the kid, I’ve hardly seen Mikey say two words to him. I figure he must be shy, just like me. I try to promise myself that if Mikey ever gets the courage to say whatever he needs to say to Pete, that’ll be the day I tell Gerard how I feel.
Gerard furrows his brows as he listens to the minister. I nudge him with my elbow, startling him slightly. He blinks slowly, muttering, “Frank.”
“What’s up?” I ask.
He opens his mouth as if he’s about to tell me, then snaps it shut, shaking his head slightly. “Nothing, don’t worry about it.”
“Obviously you’re lying,” I challenge. “Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?”
Gerard flinches at my tone, whispering, “Can we please not talk about this right now? Maybe it’s not your business for once, Frank.”
“So I should just butt out?” I demand.
“Yeah,” Gerard hisses. “Just butt out.”
I cross my arms in a huff, glaring at Gerard, who refuses to meet my eyes.
It’s going to be a long night.
Despite our slight argument, Gerard drives me home; although he is rather quiet when doing so. Mikey’s just sitting in the backseat, kicking the back of my seat with boredom as we all sit in the car silently.
I text Gerard that night, after I’ve cooled down a bit. From personal experience with my anger, I know that it’s best to wait for myself to relax before doing or saying anything else. The last thing I’d want to do in this particular situation is say the wrong thing and push Gerard away even further.
I message him: what was wrong earlier? do you want to talk about it? I’m just worried
It takes a long time for him to message me back, so long that I wonder if he’s just ignoring me. Finally, he responds: nothing. I was just tired.
I roll my eyes, knowing that this is far from the truth. “I’m tired” is Gerard’s go-to excuse. Come hell or high water, Gerard will resort to that exact statement, whether you are accusing him of negativity or theft.
But I don’t want to make him any angrier than he probably already is. So instead of telling him I can see through that, I just reply: that’s good get some rest though
I lay back on my bed, knowing that something must really be up. Gerard has come to me with everything since kindergarten; his parent’s divorce, his depression, even when he had problems with wetting the bed in first grade he told me. Gerard has trusted me with literally everything since the beginning of our friendship, so whatever’s going on now must be really deep shit.
Or maybe our relationship’s just changing. Are Gerard and I growing apart? Does he not feel like he can tell me these things anymore?
I suppose he hasn’t been talking as much as he usually does. Normally, he’d talk a mile a minute, and with such consistent frequency that a single day could make up a novel’s worth of mostly irrelevant information. But lately, while he hasn’t been totally stone silent, he’s definitely been less talkative than usual.
And I still don’t know what he’s been doing with those girls he’s been with. He’s been around Jamia a lot, as well as some senior named Lindsey. I don’t even know this Lindsey, but it seems lately like she’s all he has time for.
A big part of me thinks he might be having sex, and that fear makes my stomach churn and my chest cave in. I cannot stand the idea of Gerard being with anyone else, and not because I’m the best option but because I feel like I should come first for once. To be loved a little by many doesn’t mean much, but to be loved fully by one is the world.
Anne Frank herself was intelligent enough to make the point that you can become lonely even when surrounded by loving friends and family. To be everyone’s second, third, fourth, or last choice, is something that can make you feel like you really don’t matter.
And while I might not be worthy of a first choice, it’d still be nice to not feel unloved most of the time.
That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Unloved, and it fucking hurts to see Gerard running around with all these girls doing things that health class preached against. And to not even tell his best friend about it. I’d always thought that while he may not love me romantically, he cared about me as a person. That if given the chance, he’d give an arm for me just like I’d lose my life for him. I really had this strong belief that I was important to him, this faith that while he may not think about me the way I think about him, he still fucking thought about me.
He’s the top priority in my mind. He’s my night and my day and all that falls between it and the stars themselves couldn’t pose a threat to the way I love him.
To feel like this and simultaneously be his plan B is excruciating.

Notes

Thanks so much for reading! Please comment, rate, and subscribe!