If You're Real

Me and Dr Iero are in the meeting room. He's picked a chair which is really close to mine and I swear I have a fucking boner. I try to shuffle around in my chair in case he sees anything.

"So how are you today," he asks, looking distractedly at something on the wall. "I'm okay." I mutter. He's not even making eye contact with me. He's not even trying. Dr Iero sighs. "What does that mean? What is your version of okay?" I look at the floor.
"I dunno."
"What number would you rate it out of ten?"
"Don't know."
"What word could you use to describe how you feel?"
"I don't know."

"Gerard. You know I do care about you, do you know that?"
"Yeah, cause I'm your patient, that's why," I tell him. I feel depressed today for no reason and I'd really just like a hug from you right now, Dr Iero...
I watch his face with sunken eyes.
"Is that how you feel?"
"Is what how I feel?"
"Do you feel that I don't care about you?" he asks gently. Since when did he care? It's not like he likes me back or anything. I mean, I'm his patient. To him, I'm probably just some messed up kid. Anyway, caring and liking are different things.
"I have no idea. I'm not sure," I say. "Do you?"

- - -

He sighs and looks around, irritated. "Oh, Gerard. Of course I care about you." He has this emotion in his eyes that I can't place. What is it? I smile at him and a grin spreads across his face. He's so happy.

"I really do care about you," he says again. What is he trying to say?

- - -

As we talk about my self-harm and how my week's been, I can't stop staring at anything. His hands, the way he fiddles with his thumbs. His beautiful, beautiful hazel eyes. Every time he catches me looking at him I shiver and I have to look away. He moves so smoothly. He laughs so adorably. He smiles so amazingly. I know nothing is ever gonna happen between us but I just can't help secretly admiring his beauty.

Oh god. It feels so crazy that I'm eventually gonna have to tell him all of my secrets one day, since he is my doctor. I'm not even hearing anything he says anymore cause I'm too busy looking at him. I'm listening to his beautiful voice but the actual words he says seem miles away. I'm lost in my own mind. I wish this place wasn't so damn big!

Suddenly I feel a comforting hand on my shoulder and I'm being brought back to the moment. "Gerard. Gerard! Are you okay, Gerard? Please answer me!" I confusedly look around. "Are you alright?"

Fuck, Dr Iero is standing right behind me, and I can feel his sweet breath on the back of my neck. My breath stops for a second and I hear him hesitate and move away from me.
No! That was nice!
"I'm completely okay," I tell him. "Defantly okay," I say, remembering the feel of his breath on my neck.

"You're really young, aren't you?" I ask. "Nearly my age, right?"
"Yeah, actually I'm only nineteen but I studied early," he says matter-of-factly.
"Okay," I say, simply.
"I'm sixteen, nearly seventeen," I say to him, waiting for his reaction.
"I know. Your birthday is the 3rd of January." What the hell?
"How do you know that?" I blurt out quickly. He suddenly blushes as if knowing my birthday is some sort of crime. "O-oh, I-I just saw it in your file, " he tells me. "Y'know, I was just bored, so... I just remembered it. Have I even got it right?" he asks this innocently, but I can tell he knew the exact date of my birthday all along. I laugh. "Yeah, that's exactly right!"
What else does he know about me?

- - -

Notes