If You're Real

- - -

It's late morning and I'm sitting in music therapy, my notebook on my lap. I write my insane fantasies while I listen to the sad notes and empty chords and empty chords falling from the piano and cracking when they hit the floor; the sun is shining through the window and light lands on my notebook and on my hair.

David, our group leader is playing guitar and the sound rings out and I want to die.
All around me are familiar faces
worn out places
worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
going nowhere
going nowhere

And I find it kind of funny
And I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had...

My eyes are dull and empty and covered with a sheen of tears. Did I tell you that I hate myself? I hate every single little thing, I hate my hair, I hate my face, I hate how fat I am and how I get anxiety when I'm around other people. I hate the way I speak and I hate the way I literally do everything. Just about the only thing I like is my singing. It's the only thing I do well, there's nothing else I can do.

I hum the words to the song under my breath, not even feeling good enough to play guitar. Come on, Gerard. I force myself to sing. And when I do sing, it's great.

I throw my emotions into my voice. It comes out rough and... loud, desperate. I keep singing and soon I'm breathing heavily and people the room start smiling. I don't know why.

I don't smile with them, I just close my eyes as tight as I can. I wish I could sink into a hole in ground and never come back. I get lost in the song and I don't care how I sound.

- - -

Soft guitar tones bring the song to an end and my voice fades out with it. I'm empty. I feel broken. I feel so fragile you could touch me and I would fall apart.

- - -

Someone taps my shoulder and my eyes snap open. None other than the beautiful face of Dr Iero is right in front of me. I gasp and my face lights up.

"Dr Iero!" I exclaim. He shows me an adorable grin. I'm so happy to see him!

The notes on the piano sound grey. If they were a colour they would be grey. I see shapes on the wall and on Dr Iero's skin.
Hallucinations.
I smile dopily, and blush. Dr Iero offers me a hand and I just stare at his fingers. They are heavily tattooed and I can see h-a-l-l-o-w-e-e-n on his fingers and the letters b,o,w,r,o,k,o,m. I wonder what that means?
"Let me help you stand up," he laughs. He hasn't said much but I feel like I wanna tell him everything, I want to open up to him.

I slowly put my hand into his one and I feel his strong supple fingers around mine. His hand is so warm, I never want to let go. He has long soft fingers and I feel so safe when I'm touching him. I stare at mine and Dr Iero's hands together.

He blushes and pulls me up.

- - -

Notes