Waking up sucked more and more every time. Not even the fact that I woke up again and I was forced to live, no. It was the fact that so many people now knew me in the hospital because they had all taken care of me. And the fact that I had once again failed, like at everything else in my life. I always fail at everything, and then after trying so many times I can’t commit suicide either.
I’m just a damn joke and I want my life to end.
Feeling queasy when I wake up, and forcing myself to breathe and eat was okay. As long as I was on medication I felt fine, the thing is; by running from it, there’s only going to be more regret, more self-hatred than before when it wears off.
Gerard is probably off having some kids right now and has probably forgotten all about me. He is probably the happiest man on earth. Rich from our awesome band we had and all the money we got, and now he has an amazing spouse he loves dearly. Except the thing she, it’s a she. And not a… me. It should be me. I had him first. I loved him first. And I still love him. I tried to see others in the streets that compared to him, but there’s never anybody who even slightly compares to his looks. And then don’t even get me started on his personality. I couldn’t possibly live with the thought Gerard was gone forever and probably never looks back to think about me.
I need to get out of here, and try again. I can’t live like this. I’ve already said goodbye to my mom too many times. It’s not necessary to do it again. And Mikey has been a great friend, but I need his brother. And even he can’t get me that.
That crucial part of me that I lost.
The man I kissed with passion, the man I lost my virginity to, the man I enjoyed fucking at any time I could, even when I couldn’t and we did anyway because we were so hopelessly in love with each other. I still am.
But he has found someone else, and I suppose I’m not supposed to care. But I do. I care so deeply just the thought of Gerard being around someone else makes me jealous, and then the thought he is married and in love with someone else, makes me burn with fiery, and led me to who I am today. At this very moment.
This miserable loser who has been sent to rehab more than I probably fucked Gerard {which is a lot, trust me (; }. This loser who wants to be dead because he can’t have his one true love.

Notes

short chapter because school tomorrow and it's almost midnight and I'm tired af.
I really felt the need to update, but I couldn't think of anything to write soooo.... another reason why it's so short. well, comment what you think and subscribee.


xoxo frerardthough