Inky hands

I run my inked fingers through my hair and look at my tired face in the mirror. My eyes are red and itchy and my hair's a mess.
"Jamia, listen," I say to myself, "I think maybe we should break up?"
God, I sound like I'm asking her for a favour!
"Hey Jamia! I think you're great but I think we should spend sometime apart."
Too abrupt.
"You're cute but you're really weird and you're making me even more unpopular and I don't even like you. Sorry but it's over"
Jesus no! That's not even how I feel... I don't think... Maybe I should just leave it. Yeah, I'll just leave it.
I trip down the stairs, my tie too lose and my laces undone. I sling my bag over a shoulder and yell a goodbye behind me.
"Breakfast, Frank!" My mother calls from upstairs. Right. I grab an apple from the fruit bowl and hurry out into the street, already late.

I reach school about five minutes later than usual, but it's not exactly going to make any difference. As I open my locker and grab some books, I'm still distracted Jamia. I'll break her heart when I dump her. I can't do it. But I don't want to make her think I like her, that would be worse, right?
"Frank!" Someone yells my name from behind.
"Oh, hi Bob..." He's one of my two best friends, and an absolute loser. I wonder why I even talk to him sometimes, to be honest, but he has pretty good music taste and we always have a great time when we hang out. I'm not in the mood this morning, though. I just want to get to class and learn some shit. I don't want to think about people, otherwise I'll think about her. And then I'll have to talk to her. And I'll have to dump her. She's so nice... not exactly popular, and really weird, but she is pretty cute, and funny, and nice. I don't know, there's just nothing about her that I find attractive.
"Hello?"
"Huh?"
"Did you listen to anything I just said? You started hyperventilating again."
"What, did I?" First day back after spring break, and the panic attacks are already starting. Yay.
"Frank!" He says.
"Sorry. What were you saying?"
"Just about Jamia." Great, that's just what I need. "You two make such a great couple, and she obviously loves you a lot... I was just thinking, maybe you should go hang with her more, instead of me all the time!" He laughs. My throat is clogging up and I can already feel my breaths quickening. No, no, no! I can't face an attack now.
"Breathe deeply." A voice breaks through the wreck. Ray, my best friend.
"I can't!" I wheeze.
"Okay, breathe with me. In... Out.... In... Out.... Yeah, there we go!"
"Calm down, Frank." Bob: helpful as ever.
"You alright?" Ray asks, ignoring him.
"Yeah I think so..." I mutter.
"Good, then get to class!" He smiles reassuringly, before I turn away, and sprint down the hall. Ray... I'm so goddamn grateful for Ray.

I get into social studies a minute or two late, and throw my bag carelessly onto the table. I pull out my stuff, kick my bag under my chair, and flop back. My teacher doesn't even bat an eyelash. They don't care if you're late if you get good grades... Which I do. I'm a fucking dork. All I hear is the squeaking of her pen on the board, as she writes the title. I look up and my heart skips a beat for a moment: Are you gay? I start to scrawl it down but I just can't write the last word.
Gay.
It hadn't occurred to me before, but what if that's why I didn't like Jamia. I mean, she's the perfect girl, even if she is a weirdo. Maybe that's why it isn't working out. Oh god, what if I am gay? My throat is already sealing up. No, no, no. Where's Ray when I need him? I close my eyes and concentrate on my lungs, breathing as deeply as I can manage. In, out. In, out. I'm okay. I open my eyes. People are staring at me. I sink deeper into my coat and duck my head. Ignore them, Frank. Ignore them. I look up. One or two people are still giggling a bit, but every body else is actually facing forward. I guess panic attacks are so common now that they stopped giving a shit.
"Are you gay?" Says Mrs. Wentz as she turns around to face the class, "You might not be, but one in ten students is, so we can't just ignore the issue of homophobia, and we have to give help to questioning students. Statistically speaking, there should be two or three lgbtqa people in here, but there could be five, or only one." A few people turn to look at me, but my eyes are glued to the teacher. "So, what should you do if you think you might be gay?" Her voice fades into the distance as I slip away into my head. It's not even as if I have a crush on any guys here, and I do have a girlfriend. No one's going to suspect a thing. I'm bored of thinking.

I start to doodle on my wrists, drawings random shapes, and faces and doodles on my arms and my wrists, spilling out onto my hands in the form of words on my fingers. I sigh. I wish I was at home, just reading some random book. A sudden, sharp knock on the door startles me back into the real world and I turn to look at the door. A tall figure with jaw length red hair and dark eyes stands in the doorway, his hands in the pockets of his black skinny jeans.
"Gerard?" Asks Mrs. Wentz. He grunts in response and she scans the room for a seat for him. There's an empty seat next to me. I half hope she sits him there, and half hope she doesn't. She says something to him, and he saunters towards me, his leather jacket tossed carelessly over his shoulder and a smirk playing on his thin lips.
As he gets closer, I can see every tiny detail of his face: thick eyelashes, a shadow of stubble on his jaw, and very soft looking cheeks. I gulp, unable to look away. I can already feel myself going pink, and I bite my lip to hold back the wave of panic coming over me.
"Hey," I stutter. He looks me up and down, smirks, and turns away to look out of the window.
I look down at my hands, completely red.

I don't see him again until lunch as I'm putting my books back into my locker. His is down the hall, and he's talking to some sophomore with glasses and weird hair. He looks over his friend, right at me, and winks. The other guy looks over his shoulder, then back at Gerard, and starts laughing. They're talking about me. I duck my head and walk away to where my friends are eating.
"hey guys..." I say, surprised at the sullenness of my own voice.
"What's wrong?" Ray asks immediately.
"I- I think I maybe have to-" I stop.
"What?" Bob asks.
"No, nothing. It doesn't matter. Have you seen Jamia?"
"No."
"I think she's in the library."
"Thanks Ray. Do you mind if I-?"
"It's fine"
"Okay." I turn away, and head back towards the school building. I pass Gerard again, and although I maybe blush a little, I blank him. I can feel him raising his eyebrows behind me, but I don't stop.
"Frank!" Someone calls from behind a closed door. I turn and see my girlfriend running towards me. I'm about to speak when she grabs me by the waist and kisses me, quickly. She pulls away and giggles, looking into my eyes. I don't feel a thing.
"Hey Jamia," I say emotionlessly.
"What?" She asks, worried.
"Uh..." I don't know how to say it.
"Again? Frank! You never talk to me, you're always so distant. It's so hard to date you when you don't even try."
"I... Uh..."
"Say whatever it is you're trying to say or we're over! This is the last straw." She yells.
"I... think you're really pretty..."
"Flattery won't cut it Frank. What did you really want to say?"
"That... I..." The words just won't come out. I know what she's going to say next.
"Frank?" I don't say anything. "That's it. We're done." Tears prick her eyes. "Are you happy now?" With that, she bursts into tears, and runs back into the library, where her friends hug her, and glare at me over her head. I gulp, and turn away. Suddenly I'm face to face with Gerard, our noses barely an inch away from each other.
"I just realised I didn't say hey earlier," he murmurs, "so, hey."
"I'm frank." I say breathlessly, staring into his dark, green eyes."
"I know."
I laugh nervously, "yeah."
His laugh is sort of melodic, like a song or a poem. I want to listen to it on repeat forever.
"See you in English then?" I ask, and he nods.
"Bye Frank." He said my name. I like the way it sounded.

English is last period, and I'm already tired from the day. I flop into my seat, and pull out my book.
"Shut up guys, I can't be bothered with misbehaviour this lesson. This is gerard. He's new. Most of you have met him but some of you haven't. Here he is. Feel free to say hello." My English teacher, Mr. Trohman, seems about as tired as me. After a chorus of about three "hello"s, he continues. "Right, you all know what you're doing: Recap the book with a partner, maybe read a bit of it, then carry on writing your plot summary. Any questions? Good, then go! Gerard, sit next to Frank. Frank, tell him the plot. I know you'll do a good job,"
"Uh, hey Gerard..." I say once he's sitting. Finally something I can talk about without panicking and giving up. "So, the book's called of mice and men and-"
"Yeah, yeah, I've read it." He says, bored.
"Really? You like it?"
"Hehe no, I haven't read it, I just don't care."
"Oh. Right."
He looks down at my fingers, and grabs my hand before I even know what's happening. He runs a pale, slender finger over the dark ink on my knuckles.
"Halloween." He says, reading the words. He gently lifts up my sleeve, revealing more doodles and caressing my tan wrist as he does so. I shiver and bite my lip. "You draw?"
"Uh, yeah. A bit..." I say, "you?"
"Oh," he laughs, "no! I don't have any hobbies."
I look up at the clock. Five minutes left. I turn to look at Gerard, who is scribbling away in his book with insane concentration. This is the Gerard 'who doesn't care', right? I sniff, and turn away. I'm rereading my paragraph, checking it for grammar issues (not that I make any) when the bell goes, and the teacher shouts generic instructions as we start to pack away. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Gerard tear out the page of his book that he was writing in, and toss it into the waste paper bin. I look at him, trying to tell why he did it by his face, but he's already halfway out of the classroom, and I'm all alone.
"Frank? It's last period. You can actually leave now." Mr. Trohman says, mocking me. As I walk out of the door, I reach into the bin and grab the crumpled ball of paper without thinking. I thrust it into my bag, and head for home.

Notes

The other chapters will be a bit longer and way more fluffy (and a lil' bit smutty too). I just thought this chapter could be an intro thingie. I hope ye like it so far!