And Without You is How I Disappear

I couldn’t breathe.

My mouth was stretched so tightly around his cock that it was causing my airway to pinch off.

Damn, he was big. Fuhking huge.

But he felt good….oh God, he felt so good. His cock was hot and heavy, filling my mouth with the taste I craved; bitter and salty, but slightly sweet and oh so good….the unique taste of Gerard.

My senses were overwhelmed. His taste. His smell. The feeling of the hard wood floor on my knees. The way his fingers felt tangled in my hair, pulling just enough to send white hot sparks shooting down my spine. My own cock was rock hard and flushed; pre-cum leaking from my tip in steady streams.

I moaned….FUHK! If blowing him was this good, I couldn’t wait to take it further.

“Oh you like that don’t ya Frankie baby….you like having my hard cock in your mouth.” Gerard purred deeply as he began to thrust into my mouth.

“Hmmmmm,” was all I could manage as I felt his dick hit the back of my throat. I relaxed into it, feeling the pulse of his cock on my tongue as I swallowed around him. Thank fuhk I didn’t seem to have a gag reflex.

“Fuhk Frankie!” Gerard cried out. “Shit, you’re gonna make me cum already baby.”

I looked up at him, purposefully widening my hazel eyes, letting my gaze linger on his face before placing my hands on his hips and pushing him backwards so he was pressed up against the wall. My mouth slid smoothly off of his heavy cock, a strand of spit and pre-cum dripping off my swollen lips.

“I want you to cum Gee. I want you to fuhking cum all over my face.” My voice was hoarse and lusty, already wrecked from the pounding it had taken.

Gerard groaned, closing his eyes and rolling his head back, “Jesus Frankie, you’re so hot.”

I grinned up at him. “Hot for you Gee. Only for you.” Gerard moaned loudly in response and tightened his grip in my hair.

I wrapped my left hand around his wet dick, twisting my wrist slightly as I stroked long and hard from his base to the tip, rubbing my thumb over his head and collecting some of his pre-cum.

“Gee, you’re so wet. Fuhk. You are so ready to cum for me aren’t you?”

“Oh Frankie, yeah….oh please, make me cum!” God he was so close, I could hear it in his voice and feel it in the way his cock twitched in my hand. The sounds he was making, sounds of pure sex, jolted through my body making my dick ache in the best possible way.

I leaned forward slightly, flicking my tongue over the head as I continued to stroke him hard and fast. The biting taste of his pre-cum made my mouth water and I couldn’t help but wrap my lips around his head, sucking and milking him, leaving Gerard quivering and moaning above me. I reached up with my right hand and cupped his balls, rolling them and tugging gently. I felt the pulse in his cock kick harder and harder and I knew he was going to cum.

“Oh God Frankie….Frankie! Oh fuhk, I’m gonna cum…oh….shit!” Gerard let out a loud, whorish moan and then he was cumming. I pulled back, removing my mouth just in time to feel him shoot all over my face. That was all it took for me to blow my own load, completely untouched. The warm feeling of his cum dripping down my face, across my lips and cheeks made me whimper and shiver in pleasure. Rope after rope of my hot, white cum streaking over my legs and the pale wood floor.

I sat back, resting on my heels and bracing my hands against the floor as I tried to regain my breath. I glanced up to see Gerard sliding down the wall, absolutely spent from the intensity of his orgasm. He was beautiful like this, totally open and unafraid. It made my heart swell to think that I got to see him like this.

It was in that moment that something felt……off. I heard a faint noise coming from somewhere, but I didn’t recognize it. I suddenly felt really warm, almost suffocating. The noise was getting louder and my ears were ringing.

“Gee, do you hear that?” I turned to look at him, but he was gone. “Gee? Gerard?” He wasn’t here.

He left me. He left me again.

Panic set it. He was gone. He left. I wasn’t good enough.

I wasn’t enough.

I bolted upright in my bed, drenched in sweat, my clothes plastered to my body. My alarm clock was buzzing on the bedside table. My heart was racing and head was foggy. I reached over, slamming my hand down to shut off the alarm. It was sweltering under the comforter and it took me a few moments to process why I was still fully clothed.

I was dreaming.

It was just a dream.

“What the actual fuhk?” I rubbed my face with my hands and tried to focus on waking up fully. It had all felt so real. I swear I could still taste him on my tongue; his scent still filled my head.

I flopped backwards with a sigh, kicking the covers off in an attempt to cool off. I felt like I had showered with all my clothes on. I quickly realized what the wet, sticky feeling between my legs was: a direct result of the very vivid dream I had just had.

Holy shit, I came in my fuhking pants. I had a wet dream like some pubescent 14 year old. And it was all due to Gerard.

I can’t believe I had a dream like that. About him. About us.

I just laid there staring at the ceiling, my thoughts spinning out of control. I tried desperately to cling onto some kind of rational thought, some kind of solid thinking that would help me understand what the hell was going on with my mind over the last 24 hours.

I had never really thought of Gerard in a sexual way before. I mean, yeah I always thought he was attractive when we were growing up, but I hadn’t even been aware of my sexuality then so thoughts of being with him like “that” had never been there. We cuddled and stuff and held hands back then, but I had done those same things with Mikey and I was certainly not having erotic dreams about him.

To be honest, sex was generally not even something on my radar most of the time. In high school, the most I had ever done with any of the few girlfriends I had was a few kisses, barely any tongue. I don’t think I even got to first base and looking back I never had the motivation to get any farther anyway.

Now that I had finally figured out and come to terms with my sexuality, I still hadn’t gone very far. Sure, the totally random and completely surprising make out session with Hot Hospital Guy had been an amazing and eye opening thing, but I hadn’t pursued anything with him or anyone else for that matter.

I hadn’t dated in the two years since the accident. I hadn’t even tried.

That was due to a couple of reasons I guess, the most important being that my sole focus had been on being there for Mikey and making sure that he was taken care of. Mikey’s needs came before mine and even though there had been a couple of guys that had shown interest over the years, I never acknowledged it. It also didn’t help that I was carrying around so much anger and bitterness towards Gerard.

But obviously there was something deeper going on. Something beyond the friendship we had.

Something that surpassed the hurt and betrayal I felt when Gerard left after the accident. Something that turned me into a weeping, panicky bundle of nerves after just a few moments face to face with him. Something that I had hidden from myself for years. Something that turned my stomach into a quivering mess of anxiety. Something that would change everything.

“Oh!” I sat up quickly and moved to the side of the bed, my feet dangling over the edge. A sudden and oddly violent feeling of understanding swept over me as I felt my body start to shake from the raw emotion coursing through my veins. I got up and stumbled into my bathroom, flipping the light on and gripping the sink for support. I looked at myself in mirror; skin pale and clammy, hair still plastered to my skull with sweat, eyes bright and shinning wide with fear.

“You love him,” I said to my reflection.

Oh my God, I love him. I am in love with him.

I am in love with Gerard Way.

Fuhk.


NOTES:

Since I can't get the notes section to load, I will write them here!
Sorry if this chapter is shit and short - I wanted a bit of a filler to get Frankie from one mindset to another fairly quickly. I wanted him to realize that his feelings for Gee have been there all along, but I didn't want to drag it out over several chapters. So again, sorry if it feels rushed.

Chapter 5 title inspiration - Three Days Grace - Operate

Notes