And Without You is How I Disappear

I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I heard Mikey before I saw him.

I looked up to find him sitting near the same bench I had left him at this morning, but this time, rather than sitting on the bench, his PA Kristen was perched quite comfortably in Mikey’s lap, arms draped around his shoulders. Their faces were close, foreheads nearly pressing together, and their giggles echoed throughout the courtyard. The smile on Mikey’s face was so big I seriously thought it might split his face in two.

I couldn’t help the slight smirk that took residence on my face as I approached them and for the moment, all of the drama with Gerard was forgotten.

“Well Mikes, I see you had an eventful day.” I crooned.

Kristen jumped slightly raising her face towards me, a slight blush spreading across her cheeks as she slowly stood, leaving her hand lingering on Mikey’s shoulder.

“Yeah Frankie, you could say I had a very eventful day.” Mikey reached up and took Kristin’s hand in his, pulling her closer to his side. The look that passed between the two made it quite obvious that they had bonded over the course of the day. I shook my head, slightly impressed.

“Geez man, you work fast. So…did you manage to actually make it to any of your classes?” I teased.

“Psh…of course I did. Kristin is an excellent PA and made sure I made it to every class. On time even.”

“Mikey isn’t giving himself enough credit for today, he was very focused on his classes. I barely had to remind him of anything.”

“Uh huh, that’s because he was showing off.” Mikey rolled his eyes, but didn’t disagree with me.

“Well, I guess I’ll let you two get going. I’ll see you tomorrow at 9 Mikey.” Kristin bent down, giving Mikey a soft kiss on the cheek before turning and walking towards the welcome center.
Mikey’s gaze followed her until she went through the double doors before he finally turned his chair around to face me, wagging his eyebrows and giggling like a teenage girl. I just shook my head.

“After you Romeo.” I gestured for him to get a move on and he started pushing himself towards the street with me, as usual, following behind.

Now that the immediate distraction of finding a girl sitting on my best friends lap had passed, the day’s confrontation with Gerard quickly crept back into my train of thought. The tears that had fallen earlier were gone, replaced with a sort of cold, tingling numbness. I wanted to start up a conversation with Mikey, about anything really, just something to occupy my mind, but the noise level on the street made it difficult to hear each other so conversation was ruled out.

At least the short, silent walk home would give me time to figure out how to broach the subject of Gerard’s desire to talk to Mikey. Or at least I hoped it would. The numbing cold I had been feeling started to dissipate and in its place I felt a rising panic start to take over in my chest. I hadn’t had a panic attack in over a year and damn it to Hell, I wasn’t going to let Gerard Way push me into one.

Once we got to the apartment, I quickly stepped around Mikey and unlocked the door letting us both through; me collapsing on the couch and Mikey heading towards the kitchen. It wasn’t long before I heard Mikey start to complain.

“Dude, I am fuhking starving…..and we have zilch in this house yet. I think we should order pizza.”

“Whatever you want Mikes, I’m not really hungry.” I was trying desperately to control my breathing and keep my voice even, but of course Mikey had picked up the fact that I sounded off.

It was quiet for a second before I heard him wheel himself out to the living room, stopping by my spot on the couch. I glanced up at him and he caught my gaze. We just started at each other for a minute, Mikey furrowing his eyebrows and cocking his head to the side. The “Mikey Way Stare” is legendary and has been known to bring lesser men to their knees. I sighed and rolled towards the back of the couch, closing my eyes and burying my face into the cushions. If I can’t see him, he can’t crack me. Or so I told myself.

“Frank are you sick? You never turn down pizza. And I guarantee you didn’t eat at work today. Are you okay? Did something happen?”

Leave it to Mikey Fuhking Way to bring on the inquisition.

I knew if I didn’t give him some kind of answer that he would just end up pestering me all night long until I spewed forth my secrets and I really didn’t want to go through all that, especially while trying to talk myself down from a full fledged panic attack. But God, I just didn’t know what to say. I was scared; scared that all this would send Mikey into a tailspin, scared that Mikey would forgive him too easily, scared that letting Gerard back into our lives, even in small ways, would only end up hurting both of us all over again.

I sighed again and sat up, reaching for my pack of cigs on the coffee table. Pulling one out, I lit it quickly and took a drag, hoping that it would calm my nerves enough to actually man up and tell Mikey what had happened. I realized then that my hands were shaking; maybe smoking wasn’t the best idea because Mikey noticed too.

“Frank, please tell me what’s going on. This isn’t like you. You’re starting to worry me. What’s wrong?”

Mikey’s voice was starting to quiver and he reached out, softly resting his hand on my bouncing knee. For some reason that small gesture pushed me over the edge. Tears erupted from my eyes and I broke down into loud, heaving sobs; covering my face with my hands to hide myself from Mikey’s ever watching gaze.

“Oh my God, Frank….please….please tell me what’s wrong?” Mikey choked out. I pulled my hands away to look at him and could see the worry and fear in his eyes. That was it; that was all it took. I couldn’t bear to see him be upset because of me. I decided to just lay it all out.

“Mikey….I…..I saw him today. At work. He….he came in to pick up some guitar strings and he just….damn Mikey I….I just wasn’t prepared to see him.”

“Frankie, who did you….wait….oh shit….you saw HIM? Gerard? Holy fuhk! You saw Gerard today? What the actual fuhk Frank? Did he know you worked there? Did he show up on purpose? Wait…guitar strings? He doesn’t even fuhking play! What did he say?” Mikey was practically screeching at the end, the vein in his neck pulsing from the strain.

“Shit, calm down Mikes. I don’t need you to stroke out.” Taking a deep breath while staring into Mikey’s eyes, I reached my hand forward, gently brushing his cheek with the back of my fingers. “Seriously Mikes, take a breath. I’m calming down so you have to as well.”

Mikey closed his eyes and drew in a breath, still shaky, but much more composed. “Frankie, please…..what happened?”

“He came into the store and went straight up to the counter. I didn’t see his face at first, not until I walked around to ask if he needed anything. I swear to you Mikey, it felt like time stopped. I couldn’t believe he was there…standing a foot from me after 2 years of nothing. And I was so mad Mikes, so so mad. I wanted to strangle him. He acted so flippant at first, like he thought that leaving for 2 years and never coming back was an okay thing to do, ya know? It just made me even angrier.”

“How….how is he? Does he look ok? I mean….shit, I dunno. I guess, does he look happy?”

“Yeah, he looked good Mikes, real good. Too good. And the guitar strings weren’t for him by the way. They were for his boyfriend, so yeah, I’d definitely say he is doing ok.” I couldn’t keep the venom out of my voice and Mikey could only sigh.

We sat in silence for a few minutes while Mikey rubbed his eyes and tried to absorb what I’d told him so far. Mikey’s face was pale and when he lifted his head back up I could see the look of defeat written all over him.

“How about we go to bed Mikes, we can talk about this more tomorrow. We’ve both had a long day.”

Mikey nodded, not saying a word, and spun himself around to head down the hall to his room. I went through the apartment shutting lights off and checking the locks before walking down to Mikey’s room.

“You need help?” I asked. Mikey could pretty much fully dress and undress himself at this point, but sometimes when he was really tired or something he needed a bit of help.

“You don’t have to Frank, I’ll manage.”

I huffed a bit, shaking my head. “Oh please Michael James Way, I know I don’t have to do anything, but I’m offering. So shut up and take my help.”

Mikey couldn’t help the smirk that turned up at the corner of his lips. “Fine then douche, just make it quick. I want to sleep.”

Mikey and I had this routine down pat. It was like a dance really. He would move, I would move. Bending and leaning just the right way; he would push, I would pull, our bodies perfectly in sync with each other. It was almost beautiful in an abstract way.

Before you could blink, I had Mikey’s shoes, socks, and ridiculously tight skinny jeans off and was helping him shift from his chair to the bed, propping him up on some pillows. He took his shirt off leaving him clothed just in his tight boxer briefs. It was moments like this, when he was laying there looking so relaxed, that you would never know he had no control over his lower body. He didn’t look broken. He looked like every other 19 year old man, young and virulent; ready to take on the world.

I didn’t realize I was staring until I heard Mikey chuckle.

“Stop staring at my sexy body Frank. I know I’m hot and all, but ewww…you’re like family.”

I sniggered, “Oh please, you couldn’t handle me if you tired Way.”

“Eh, maybe you’re right, but seriously…stop oogling my goods man.”

I flipped him off, pulling the covers up over his long body before shoving his shoulder a bit. “Go to sleep dickwad. I’ll see you in the morning. Yell if you need me.”

“Yes mother. Good night.”

I rolled my eyes and walked out the door, shutting it behind me. My room was directly across from Mikey’s and was still cloaked in darkness. I wandered in, falling onto my bed, not even bothering to take off my clothes.

Mikey had taken the news better than I thought he would. I could still see that it hurt him though, no matter how hard he was trying to appear indifferent. I only hoped that when we got to the part about the possibility of Gerard actually talking to him that he wouldn’t break completely.

As I lay there, waiting for sleep to take me, I found it difficult not to think about my “all over the place” reactions to seeing Gerard. The anger I understood, welcomed even. But the crying, the panic, the ache in my chest. Those things I couldn’t comprehend. I’d spent all of the last 2 years waiting for my moment to give Gerard Hell, to speak my mind and to give him at least a taste of the pain and torment he’d bestowed upon Mikey and I. But now that he had shown up, albeit due to a totally random twist of fate, I found my anger ebbing, being replaced with all of these other emotions that I couldn’t identify.

“Fuhking Christ Frank, just go to sleep.” I groaned.

Rolling over, I wiggled around, making my way under the covers until I was snuggled deep into my comforter.

‘Sleep.’ I thought ‘Deal with this all tomorrow.’

My breathing evened out, my body relaxed, and the last thought I had before I drifted into nothingness was ‘Gerard.’

Notes

Long delay - sorry for that. Life is chaotic sometimes. Another long, dialouge filled chapter. Hope you manage to get through it. Next chapter or two should have a bit of Frerard ;)

Chapter 4 title inspiration - My Chemical Romance - Our Lady of Sorrows