And Without You is How I Disappear

I hate Gerard Way.

Actually, I don’t hate him….hate isn’t a strong enough word. I despise Gerard Way; I loathe him. I would like nothing more than to put my hands around his neck and squeeze the life out of him. The rage I feel when I think about him is overpowering. It wipes out all rational thoughts and makes me feel like some kind of psychopath.

I haven’t always felt like this though. I had been best friends with Gerard, and his little brother Mikey for years; ever since they moved into the house next door when I was 8. I clearly remember the day they Ways moved in. It was early autumn so the days were warm and windy with plenty of sunshine. I was outside riding my bike along the sidewalk in front of our house when I saw a moving van pull up. Two boys jumped out of the passenger side and made a beeline towards me. The looked to be about my age, though a bit taller. Both had dark hair and big eyes and were dressed just like me in jeans, t-shirts, and ratty sneakers.

I jumped off my bike and smiled at them as they approached. I was a bit nervous, but the prospect of having two boys living next door to play with pushed all that in the background.

“Hey, I am Frank….I live there.” I said, motioning to my house.

“Oh cool, I’m Gerard and this is Mikey. We are moving in next to you. How old are you?”

“I’m 8.” I said.

“I’m 8 too!’ Mikey almost squealed. ‘Gerard is 10 and thinks he rules me, but he doesn’t.” Gerard gently pushed his brother and laughed a bit, Mikey joining him.

I giggled at the two boys and instantly knew we were going to be the best of friends.

And I was right. We were.

The three of us spent almost all of our time together from that point on. We climbed trees, rode bikes, had sleepovers, and got into all kinds of trouble. Typical all-American boys, pushing our parents’ boundaries and testing our limits. The only time we weren’t together was during school and that was only because I went to a private Catholic high school across town and they went to the public school up the street.

Time moved on as it does and the three of us dealt with all of the changes that life throws at you as a group. When Gerard admitted that he not only liked girls, but boys too, Mikey and I supported him. When my parents divorced, Mikey and Gerard were the only ones that kept me sane. When Mikey fell out of a tree one summer and broke his arm, Gerard and I skipped the pool the whole summer to stay with him. We were a team; a family. We had each other, and it seemed like that was all in the world we needed.

But, like everything else in life, reality hit us hard.

I was 17 the day the world fell out from underneath me. It is a day seared into my memory and I know that when I die, it will be the memory that haunts my afterlife.

It was Gerard’s graduation day and the three of us, as usual, had spent the day together. Mikey and I sat in the stands during the graduation ceremony and cheered and whistled and whooped as loud as we could when Gerard crossed the stage to get his diploma. We went out for food afterwards then went home and spent the rest of the afternoon lounging in Mikey’s room listening to records and getting stoned.

“Hey Frank, did Gee tell you that he got his acceptance letter to SVA?” Mikey asked.

I looked over at Gerard, whose eyes were suddenly very focused on the tops of his Converse. “Uh, no…..he failed to mention it. I didn’t even know he had officially applied.”

A couple of years ago, the three of us decided that Gerard was going to wait a year before heading off to college in hopes that we could all go to New York at the same time. Even though he was two years older, Gerard was only one year ahead of us in school. Gerard wanted to major in Art and the School of Visual Arts in NYC had all of the programs Gerard wanted and he developed his portfolio specifically with them in mind. Mikey and I both wanted to attend NYU to major in Music. Mikey hoped to get into the recoding and production side of the industry and I wanted to perform and maybe teach others. Honestly, college really wasn’t big on my list, but I knew that the connections I could make by going to school could be huge.

“Gee, what happened to our plan? I thought we had all agreed on this?” I was trying to keep the hurt out of my voice, but I just couldn’t. I felt betrayed.

Gerard didn’t say anything. He just sat there, staring at his feet, the blunt in his hand burning into nothing.

It was Mikey that broke the silence. “He didn’t tell me or Mom either Frank. I was just as surprised and irritated as you. He won’t tell me why he applied now instead of waiting. Hell, if I hadn’t seen the envelope in the mail before he took off with it, none of us would know.”

“What the hell Gee? Why hide this? I just don’t understand……I thought…..we promised…..” I trailed off not knowing what else to say.

I had told Gerard things about myself that no other living being knew. I told him everything, even the things that I was ashamed of. It tore me up inside that he had hidden this from me….and from Mikey.

Before I could say anything else, Gerard stood up, walked to the door, and left without even a glance back. I stared after him, my mouth open and tears pooling up in my eyes. The sound of the front door slamming told us that he had left the house. Mikey went after him, but before he could make it down the stairs, I heard Gerard’s car engine roar to life. I got up and looked out the window just in time to see him peeling out of the driveway and down the street.

“He’s probably headed to that graduation party.” Mikey said as he came back into the room. Some kid in the senior class was throwing a major bash to celebrate the official end of his high school career and had invited damn near everyone in the school. Mikey and I had been invited, but neither of our parents would allow us to go. They knew, just as we did, that there were going to be lots of booze and drugs and sex, and seeing as we were only 17, they couldn’t in good conscience let us go. We had talked about sneaking out, but now that didn’t seem like an appealing option.

I was still looking out the window watching the sun slowly set, letting tears silently stream down my face. I couldn’t believe he just left. For the last 9 years, through all of the ups and downs of adolescence, Gerard had never walked away from me. He’d held me when I cried over breaking up with my first girlfriend. When I had my tonsils taken out the year before, he had gotten up at 4AM on a weekend to get me ice cream from the store when we ran out. He was my best friend. He was my rock. And now he was leaving.

I sighed and turned away from the window. “Mikey, why do you think he hid it from us?”

Mikey flopped onto the bed and looked up at me. “Frank, I have no idea. I mean, we all knew he would get in, so it can’t be because he was afraid he would get rejected. Other than that, I have no clue.”

Mikey and I stared at each other for a few minutes before I moved to join him on the bed. Lying next to him, I quietly sighed and reached out to hold his hand. That was the cool thing about the Way brothers. Physical affection like this didn’t bother them like it would have most guys. They knew that I needed tactile contact sometimes and they didn’t blow it out of proportion of turn it into an issue. To them, it was just one of my quirks.

“Frank, why are you crying? Is something going on?”

Rather than answer him, I sighed again, and turned my head to look at him. Puberty had been good to Mikey Way. He was tall, taller than Gerard now, and lanky; all legs and arms and shaggy hair. His facial features were sharp and angular, a strong square jaw and straight nose, his eyes a light hazel green. He wore dark rimmed glasses that made his eyes seem even bigger than they were.

“You know Mikey Way, you are kinda hot.”

Mikey just laughed and shook his head. “Thanks, but that isn’t an answer to my question. Why are you crying? I get being pissed off, but why the tears?”

“Would you believe me if I said I don’t know? Because I really don’t. I am angry at him, but I feel broken inside too. He’s leaving a whole year ahead of us. All the plans we made, all the promises, it’s like they mean nothing to him and it just hurts.” I couldn’t wrap my head around how I felt and I couldn’t offer Mikey any other explanation.

Mikey simply nods. Neither of us said anything and in the quiet, we end up falling asleep.
Several hours later, we are woken up by the sound of Mikey’s mom Donna screaming.

“I don’t care that you are 19 Gerard Way, I want you home now! You still live under this roof and you still live by my rules. So YOU.HOME.NOW. Either that or you will lose your car!”

There is a pause in the conversation and Mikey and I make our way down to the kitchen where Donna is pacing back and forth. “Are you drunk? If you are, stay there and I’ll come get you. No, don’t drive. Are you sure? Ok, but don’t let anyone else drive if they are bad off too. Fine. Half hour young man, then I want you here.” Donna hangs up and looks at us.

“That boys is exactly why you two were not going to that damn party!” Without another word, she walks off to the living room to wait for Gerard.

I look at the clock on the stove and see it is almost two in the morning. Mikey is shaking his head, a small smirk on his face.

“I guarantee he is trashed. I can’t believe he answered his phone. He knew mom would be pissed. It’s going to be an epic fight when he rolls in.”

Mikey is right, I hadn’t seen Donna this mad ever. She is normally pretty chill about stuff, but for some reason she is just livid. I definitely don’t want to stay around to watch what is coming.

“Hey Mikey, you wanna go crash at my place? That way we can actually sleep. Mom is working night-shift so she won’t care.”

Mikey’s eyes light up a bit and he nods, “Hell yes…I really don’t want to be here when this shit goes down.”

I chuckle a bit and walk into the living room, Mikey following behind. “Donna, I am gonna go home to sleep. It’s okay if Mikey comes over right?”

She nods and smiles. “It’s probably best if you boys go. I have a feeling it isn’t going to be pretty when he gets home.”

“Cool. Mikey, go grab your stuff and I am gonna head over now. Just come over when you’re ready.”

“Roger, roger.”

I giggle a bit at Mikey’s lame Star Wars reference and head to the door. I want to get out of here before Gerard shows up, plus I want to make sure I didn’t leave any porn laying out in my room. I mean, I tell Mikey everything, but there are just some things you don’t share with your friends. Your porn habits are one of them.

After I check my room I walk back downstairs, deciding to wait for Mikey out on the porch. I sit on the porch railing and reach into my pocket for my pack of cigarettes when I hear Mikey slam his front door shut. I see him walking down the sidewalk on his way to me when I hear a familiar loud engine barreling up the street. I turn my head just in time to see the headlights flash past my house and Gerard’s black Camaro swerve towards the sidewalk.

My heart leaps into my throat and I try to scream at Mikey, but it’s too late. All I can hear is the violent sound of metal crumpling and glass shattering, coupled with an ear-splitting scream. I jump off the porch and race over to the wreckage desperate to help, but what I see freezes me in place.

Blood.

Blood everywhere.

And there, lying pinned under the side of Gerard’s overturned car, is a pale and lifeless Mikey Way.

Gerard, what have you done?

Notes

New fic...let me know what you think so far :)


Chapter 1 title inspiration - Fall Out Boy - "Young Volcanoes"