A Broken Heart Is Blind

❤❤ ❤ Frank❤❤❤
Walking out of Gerard''s room quietly, I felt like I was taking the Walk of Shame. Albeit a small Walk of Shame, but a Walk of Shame, nonetheless. Quickly, I made a dash for my room, a million thoughts running through my mind. So much had happened, since I decided to be brave and apologize for being a dick to Gerard when I came home yesterday and heard him and Lindsey having sex. Never would I have guess things would turn out the way they had. I wouldn't even let myself dream of it. But Gerard kissed me! He told me he still loved me and we ended up making love. My head was still spinning from absorbing all this information. And still, yet, Gerard was breaking up with Lindsey to be with me. Me, his fucking ex of a boyfriend that treated him like shit. Said horrible things to him. Decided to leave him to go to college in shitty Ohio. I didn't deserve it though. I never would.
Making my way into my room, laying on bed with a heavy sigh, I was scared shitless. Scared that Gerard was deciding this all too quick. Breaking up with his girlfriend?! I mean, this was happening so fast. And it's not like I was complaining that he wanted to be with me, I was so happy I could cry, but I was afraid he was going to realize he didn't really want this and end up regretting his decision, made in the heat of the moment. Rubbing my hands over my face in exasperation, I heard my bedroom door open with a creak. Shooting myself up in bed, I was Sarah standing in my doorway. With a tinge of disappointment, I welcomed her in with a silent wave of my hand. I was hoping it would be Gerard, but then again it was too fast for that. Lindsey hadn't even arrived yet...
“Hey, Frank.” Sarah said conversationally, closing my door behind her and sitting beside me on the bed.
“Hey.” I answered simply.
“I saw you leaving Gee's room...” She trailed off suggestively. I rolled my eyes.
“What do you want?” I demanded, not in the mood to beat around the bush.
“I just want to know...what happened. I know you said you were going to apologize for yesterday. Even if I still think it should have been Gerard apologizing...But I never saw you leave. And you're coming out now?” She explained, sounding curious.
“A fucking lot happened.” I sighed, falling back onto my pillows.
“Care to elaborate.” She teased, laying back down beside me, propping herself on her elbow. I rolled over to prop myself as well, to face her. Her eyes looked especially blue today, it was scary.
“Not really.” I muttered. Sarah smacked her lips in annoyance.
“Frank.” She warned sternly, knowing she was going to get it out of me one way or another. I sighed tilting my head back.
“Fine. You're so fucking nosy.” I grumbled.
“It's what I do best.” She cut in. I narrowed my eyes.
“Whatever. Go on.” She shrugged one shoulder.
“Well...for starters...when I told him I was sorry...We talked about how he was sorry to. That we've both been dicks to each other.”
“Good.” Sarah quipped in. I shot her a glance, telling her to let me finish. “Sorry. Continue.” She mumbled back.
“Well after that...I really don't know how it happened. But...Gerard kissed me.” I explained, Sarah's eyes going wide. “We made out for awhile...” I went on, scratching the back of my neck awkwardly, “And well, one thing kinda lead to another...and we...sorta...hadsex.” I rushed out.
“You WHAT?!” Sarah shouted, making me cringe, “ Are you two stupid? Gerard has a girlfriend! That's cheating!” She continued to yell, smacking my arm hard.
“Shut up, Sarah. Gee'll hear you!” I ordered, whisper-shouting.
“I don't fucking care! That's my best friend, Gerard's dating. This better not be a consistent thing either, because I swear to God, I wont have my brother become a cheater, let alone to my best fucking friend.” Sarah blew up, sitting straight up. I sat up too trying to calm her down.
“Sarah, calm the fuck down. Let me explain!” I demanded.
“It better be fucking good!” She scowled, crossing her arms over her chest.
“As I was saying. Or started to. Gerard and I had sex. And this morning we had a long talk. Gerard told me he still loves me-”
“Big fucking surprise.” Sarah grumbled sarcastically.
“Anyways.” I huffed, ignoring her, “And of course, I love him too. Well we decided. Or Gerard decided that it was better for everyone that he break it off with Lindsey. He wants to pick things back up with me...” I ended feeling awkward saying this aloud. It was all so new to me still. I couldn't believe this was happening myself. “So Gerard's calling Lindsey over today so he call break up with her in person.” I added when Sarah remained silent.
“Frank...” She began finally in a slow voice, “Don't you think this is all...happening...I dunno. Fast?” I groaned, knowing this was coming.
“Yes. But Gerard's stubborn. He knows what he wants...and if he wants to be with me again, I'm sure as Hell not going to stop him.” I defended. Sarah sighed.
“I just don't want you two rushing back in. I don't want to deal with you two falling apart again.” She explained carefully.
“I know. And I don't want that either...but it has to happen some time if it's going to happen at all.” I pointed out. Sarah nodded somberly as if she didn't agree with me, but said nothing else.
“Well. I just wanted to check on you. See if you were okay...Are you okay?” Sarah wondered carefully. I sighed.
“Yeah. Better...just nervous I guess.” I confessed.
“Nervous?” She repeated, tilting her head to the side.
“Yeah...nervous that Gerard's going to change his mind. Y'know. Wish he hadn't of broken up with Lindsey for me. Realize that I'm the ass that I am and want to break up again.” I murmured, looking down at my lap and fiddling with the hem of my shirt, I'd thrown on before I'd left Gerard's room. Sarah placed a soft hand over mine to stop my fidgeting. I looked up not moving my head.
“I know what I said. And I still think this is happening too fast...but I know Gerard loves you. And you love him too, and honestly that's all you guys need make it.” She offered gently, patting my hand, then taking hers back. I tried to smile, albeit it weakly.
“Thanks, Sarah.” I murmured. Sarah nodded.
“I'm free today if you want to go to a movie or something? Get out of the house to clear your head.” She suggested. I shook my head, though, declining politely.
“No thanks. I mean thank you...but I know Gerard's going to need someone when he's done talking with Lindsey.” I explained. Sarah gave me a knowing look.
“Alright...well I'll be in my room if you need me.” She said, standing up and walking to the bedroom door.
“Thanks, Sarah.” I repeated before she closed the door.
“Of course, Frank.” She smiled.
*****
My fingers trembled as I pushed the buttons to call Lindsey. I almost dialed the wrong numbers, my fingers slipping and sliding on the buttons, I had memorized the know. When I finally got it right, redialing a few times, and the tone began to dial, my heart was hammering inside my chest with the force of an elephant stamped. It felt like the ring was going on forever; with each moment that passed my breathing was growing more and more erratic. I almost just hung up, but I knew I couldn't. I had to get this over with; I had to do the right thing in order for things to eventually become okay...
“Hello?” Lindsey beautiful voice finally rang through the receiver. I swallowed loud, hoping my voice wouldn't shake.
“H-hey, Lynz.” I choked out.
“Oh! Gee! What's up? Is everything alright?” She wondered, completely oblivious as to why I'd called her. I paused not knowing how go about this.
“Gerard?” She pressed, her voice growing concerned.
“Yeah, yeah!” I replied too quickly, my voice too high, “Everything's okay.” Liar! “I was...I was, uh, just wondering if you could come over...”
“...Um. Yeah, of course. How come?” She went on, noting everything wasn't fine. Lindsey was smarter than that.
“I need to talk with you.” I confessed. Lindsey paused.
“...Okay.” She answered slowly. Another pause. “I'll be right over.”
“Thanks, Lindsey.” I offered.
“Yeah, of course. I'll be there soon.” She agreed, her voice weaker than when she first had spoken, making my stomach ache.
“See you soon...” I trialed off awkwardly. And without any other form of goodbye, Lindsey hung up, the dial tone ringing. I sighed loudly, frustrated and slammed my phone closed, throwing it across the room. I heard it hit the floor with a thump.
Groaning, I flung myself onto my bed, as I had been standing by my bedroom door. I had fucked up so bad. Rubbing my hands down my face, I tried my best not to cry. I almost thought about going to Frank's room until Lindsey got here, but decided against it. I had to deal with this on my own. It wasn't Frank's fault or business to deal with my messes. And this was all my fault; all my mess to deal with. I had fucked up. So, so, so badly. I didn't for one minute regret sleeping with Frank. I didn't But I did regret the timing. I hadn't been thinking clearly though, either. Having Frank so close, hearing his voice, smelling his scent put my mind in a haze of love and lust. I had been yearning for his touch and his taste for too long, my body craved him. It was like putting a heroin addict in a room of heroin and needles. Making them hold the syringe to their veins, but warning them not to inject. What do you think was going to happen? Now the after math was coming for me, though. The fact was that I was still currently in a relationship with Lindsey; I was now and I was last night. I had cheated on her, my sweet girlfriend. I was the fucking worst. I was fucked. She didn't deserve me or anything I brought along, like this.
Speaking of addicts, however, I sat up in bed and rummaged in the bottom drawer of my nightstand. Where I kept my cocaine. I needed some lines and bad. I hadn't taken any yesterday with hanging out with Lindsey all day and afternoon and fucking Frank last night. My body was craving the cocaine as well as Frank. I honestly didn't know which was worse, though. Cheating or the drugs, but since I'd already done the first, I figured I might as well go all the way. Fingertips brushing the baggy that I kept the powder in, I snatched it into my hands as made my way into my connecting bathroom. Feeling around in the drawers I found a book and dollar bill I kept just for such occasions. Like the every day occasion, which I suppose wasn't an occasion at all. It was an addiction. Top drawers to the left, I kept the items in; easy access.
Placing said items on the bathroom counter, I opened the baggy and weighted out the cocaine with a teaspoon I kept in there. Three teaspoons; three lines. Then with a library card, I blindly filed the coke in a row. Bending slightly, I rolled the bill and brought it to my nose, inhaling the first line quickly. Standing up, I sniffled loudly, pushing my nostril closed with my finger, making sure it all went in. Immediately I could feel the drug take effect, making my heartbeat speed up and my mind float. Again, I repeated the action twice more until I felt completely stoned. Quickly, as I could, I cleaned up the space, placing the teaspoon back in the bag, and the dollar bill and book back into their appropriate drawer. Taking the bag of coke with me, out of the bathroom, I crossed the bedroom back to my nightstand and put the coke back as well, to where it belonged. Feeling much better after this, I lay back down on my bed. Now that I was relax and not as worried about Lindsey coming over and having to explain about why I wanted to break up, time seemed to go by faster. Really before I knew it I heard a faint knocking on my door, accompanied with the creaking of the bedroom door opening. I didn't even hear her come inside the house. I must have been too caught up in my drug hazed thoughts. Sitting up apprehensively, my senses pricked.
“Lindsey?” I whispered, unsure if it were her. I couldn't smell her perfume yet, she wasn't close enough for that.
“Hey, Gee.” She greeted back, as it was in fact Lynz. She sounded scared though, which made me want to cry. Hearing soft footsteps cross the room, I then felt her weight dip in the bed beside me, along with the scent of her sweet perfume.
“Hey, honey.” I smiled weakly, trying to locate her face with my eyes. Or where I thought her face was, that is.
“So...what is it that you wanted to talk to me about?” She wondered timidly, taking my hand in both of her warm palms. I wrapped my fingers around her top hand, giving it a gentle squeeze and sighed. With my free hand, I raked it through my long hair.
“I don't...I...I need to explain something.” I stammered. Lindsey was quiet, patiently listening to my rambling.
“Alright...well I'm listening.” She offered, her tone tender, not condescending. I cleared my throat and sighed again, that time out my nostrils.
“I-I'm not sure how to explain...but I do what you to know that...well that I love you.” I began, really telling I loved her for the first time, “But...not in the way you want me to love you. And I hate myself because of that, cause I wish I could and you certainly deserve to be loved like you want to. I love you like...like a best friend. Like a sister. An unconditional unromantic love. But I know you want more. So...I guess what I'm trying to get you to understand is that, I do love you. But not romanticly and it's not fair to me to keep you from finding someone who can give that to you. And it's not fair to you when I already love someone like that.” I explained slowly and gently, hoping I wasn't upsetting her. I really wished I could see her face, no matter how sad it may have looked. I deserved to see it. Especially if it was sad.
“Like you still love, Frank.” She stated, her voice cracking. I felt a lump grow in my throat and my chest tighten just at the sound. I swallowed loudly but nodded.
“Yeah...like Frank...I'm so sorry. I really am Lindsey. You've done so much for me. You've been there for me. You made me laugh when I wanted to cry. You made me happy. You really did. And I tried, I really did, to love you the way you wanted me to...but I guess you just can't force that feeling. It has to be there to begin with.” I choked up, tears swelling in my eyes. Lindsey was quiet but I could hear her sniffling. “And if you want to hate me, you can.” I added after a long pause.
“No.” Lindsey coughed, “No. I could never hate you Gerard.” She firmly proclaimed, a weak laugh in her dry voice. Gently, she took one hand back, the one on the bottom that I wasn't holing back on to, and brought it to my face, wiping tears I hadn't even noticed had fallen. “I love you. I love you the way I wish you could love me, and when you love someone like that you could never hate them...although I'm sure you understand that.” I smiled a tear stained smile, back.
“Yeah...yeah I do.” I croaked, my voice raw.
“So this is it? You...you want to break up?” Lindsey asked. I nodded slowly, reluctantly.
“I'm sorry.” I muttered, bowing my head, her hand still on my cheek. We were silent for several minutes before either of us spoke again, the room silent with sniffling and clearing of closed throats.
“Y'know. I had a feeling this was going to happen when Frank came back...I mean. Not necessarily in a bad way. Like...I-I'm not mad. I just kinda saw it coming.” She confessed, her voice somber. I lifted my head, tilting it to the side.
“What do you mean?” I pressed, not understanding. Lindsey laughed, tears inside of it.
“I mean, I had a feeling you still loved him. That he still loved you. And when I saw him back, I knew he still loved you the instant my eyes landed on him. I could see how heartbroken he was...And you...I knew. I could tell you didn't love me, like you loved him. The way you reacted whenever someone said his name. Or even when they were referring to him. You looked sad.” She explained, caressing my cheekbone with the pad of her thumb. “You're eyes were pained,” She went on, swiping her thumb under the bags of my eyes for emphasis. I leaned into the touch. “I just...well I haven't been perfect either, Gerard. No one is. I was being selfish. I didn't say anything because I still loved you and I wanted to be with you. I thought that maybe you just needed time to get over Frank and then you could love me like I love you.”
“That's not selfish, baby.” I offered, lifting my own hand to cup her face; her cheek was warm but wet with tears, “That's being human. We all just want to be loved in a special way.”
“Or by a special Way.” She joked weakly, taking her hand from my face to give my shoulder a gentle nudge. I laughed back, the sound strained and meek.
Neither of us knew what to say afterwords, though, so instead of word, I leaned forward, wrapping my arms around her waist, squeezing tight. Lindsey hugged be back instantly, nuzzling her face into the cook where my neck met my shoulder. I leaned my head on top of hers, inhaling her sweet smell that I knew I would miss. For awhile, I'm not sure exactly just how long, but it must have been while, we held each other. She was warm while outside was cold and icy. She provided warmth for me when it was even hot outside and I felt frozen within. I could never repay her for that. Lindsey was such a beautiful soul, with an infectious laugh, she lit up the room. I couldn't see it but I could sure feel it. I could feel the light she radiated. But sometimes, that's not enough for you to be in love with a person and you can't force it; I had to let her go. With tears still running down my face, I pulled back and pecked a kiss to her tender lips, smooth and sultry.
“I hope you find someone that loves you as much as I do, just romanticly.” I whispered. Lindsey made a noise that you make when you laugh but you're crying at the same time.
“Thanks, Gee.” She simply replied, pecking my lips in return, “And I want you to know, that I don't hate you either. I'll always love you.” She promised, but I wasn't sure that was true.
“You don't have to.” I reassured, “I'm not perfect...I've done bad things.”
“That doesn't mean anything.” She argued softly, cupping my face once more. “No one is perfect, Gee.”
“I know...but Lindsey...I do drugs...I-I slept with Frank last night.” I whimpered, not wanting to admit it but knowing I had to. Lindsey was quiet but didn't take her hand back. In fact her began to caress the flesh.
“I figured something like that was going to happen.” She murmured, her voice even. I knitted my eyebrows together in shock.
“What do you mean, you had a feeling something like that was going to happen?” I demanded.
“I told you, honey.” She laughed, “I knew you still loved Frank. I...I knew him coming back was going to end up like this in some way or another. I'm not mad. Honestly...I mean it's not like you're stringing me along or anything.”
“But we were still together! It just only happened last night! I didn't call you over until now! I should have broken up with you first and then made a move with Frank!” I shouted, but in anger towards myself. Perhaps a little bit at Lindsey, but only because she was being so calm. I wanted her to get mad at me! Slap me! Curse me out for cheating! I deserved it. But then again that wasn't Lindsey.
“True.” Lindsey sighed, “But you're doing the right thing right now aren't you? You're fixing it as fast as you can. The moment you did the wrong thing you're making it right. And that's not really cheating. Or at least...I don't think so. How can I be mad when you never really lied to me?” She challenged. I shook my head, though.
“But it is wrong! You should slap me!” I fought weakly. Lindsey chuckled.
“I'm not going to hit you.” She insisted. I sighed heavily.
“You should.” I muttered. Lindsey, took the hand that was cupping my cheek and slid it under my chin, lifting it upward.
“I'm not though. Like I said. I'll always love you, Gee.” She reiterated, placing a gentle kiss on my lips. I kissed back, wanting our last kiss to mean something. Even if not for me, for her. The kiss didn't last long, however. It was short and sweet just like our relationship had been. Pulling back, I felt my bottom lip tremble from the wake of her absence. With out her lips to keep me steady, I was a shaking mess.
“I'll see you around...okay?” Lindsey offered, giving one last stroke of my face. I nodded, tears over flowing my eyes by then. I felt her weight leave the bed then.
“I-I'll miss you.” I whispered, almost afraid she wouldn't hear it. My voice was too choked up to speak properly. I head faint footsteps make their way to the door, opening it.
“I'll miss you too, Gee. Goodbye.” She whispered back, her voice just as damaged as mine. And without another word or gesture, I heard the door frame click with it's hinges oh so softly. Lindsey was gone. Her and I were over. I knew I shouldn't have been so upset. I'd done it to be with Frank. I loved Frank. I did. But it still hurt like Hell to let Lindsey, such a wonderful and beautiful person, go. Call it being selfish or whatever, but I appreciated her affection. I knew I'd miss her.
Laying down in bed, I curled in on myself, letting my tears turn into sobs. The cocaine I'd taken wasn't helping either. It was making me feel suicidal with all this drama. I wanted to die. I hated myself for everyone I'd hurt. Frank. Lindsey. Even Sarah and Matt and Mom. Hell maybe even David. Dad wouldn't be proud of me either with how I'd been acting lately. Taking things for granted. Fucking random people at clubs. Doing drugs. Breaking hearts. Cheating. I don't care what Lindsey said, I still felt as if I'd cheated. Lindsey was just too nice and understanding. The overwhelming sinking feeling of depression was settling in and I hated every second of it. The aching in my chest, as if everything were going to collapse. The sensation as if I couldn't breath properly. I was starting to hyperventilate, but I couldn't stop sobbing. My face was covered in tears and snot. After letting the sobs over take me, though, it was a good hour before they began to die down. Once this happened, I stumbled off the bed and into the bathroom. I needed some percocet. Taking about three, I wandered back out.
Back in bed, I waited for another good hour to let the pills kick in. I had to think positively. I had my Frankie back. I had done the right thing with Lindsey, even if she didn't feel like it at the moment. Now she could be free to find someone who could love her properly. I just had to keep telling myself this, over and over in my mind. And now I could be with Frank, like it should have been all along. And with this thought, I remembered that Frank had told me he was going to be waiting for me in his room. That I had told him I'd be back as soon as I could. Feeling stable enough, not uncontrollably sobbing and heaving, I slipped off my bed for about the fifth time that day and made my way to Frank's room. Knocking timidly on the door, I hoped he was in there. Hoped my eyes weren't too red or my face didn't look too puffy from crying. I hoped he didn't notice how sad I was feeling. Immediately I heard soft pattering of feet making their way to the door. Moments later, I heard the door creak open. Without hesitating, I flung myself forward, launching myself onto Frank, wrapping my arms around his neck, tightly. So tight, you'd think I'd melt away if I didn't have Frank close. Frank froze for a millisecond, then wrapped his strong arms around my waist. Nuzzling my face into his neck I inhaled deeply, taking in his smoky-coffee scent.
“Gee? Baby, are you okay?” He murmured into my hair. I nodded weakly.
“I love you.” I whimpered. Frank sighed softly.
“I love you too.” He replied, then pulled back to scoop me up in his arms. It was kind of ridiculous, but he carried me from across the door to his bed, gently placing me down. I'd missed his bed too much. It smelled like him everywhere. Frank's weight dipped beside me, gathering me back into his embrace. Instantly I curled inward, loved being held by him. I folded against his chest, while his hands held my back tight to him.
“I love you, Gerard.” He repeated, his voice soft and gentle. I sniffled but smiled weakly against his chest.

“I love you too, Frankie.” I whispered. Frank kissed the top of my head without another word. We lay there the rest of the afternoon, wrapped up in each other, drifting in and out of sleep. It felt like old times, and I felt content after such a long time. I felt loved. I was home. And with this realization I knew I had made the right decision. I had done the right thing.

Notes

No time for editing. Too busy wanting to murder myself and drown in complicated payment plans for school. Like seriously fuck Americas school system and having to pay for college. I wish I lived in Europe or something. Sorry if the editing sucks. I didn't do any whatsoever, that's why. And I can't even at least space it for you guys bc the website is just busting my balls that much more than I need. So this is just slapped on copy/paste from my computer to yours. Xoxo G(race)