A Broken Heart Is Blind

The month of November was quite and plain, yet horribly stressful. I hated myself how much I hoped Frank was going to come down for Thanksgiving. But he didn't. It was stupid really. I had a fucking wonderful girlfriend. And what did I think was going to happen? Well I could tell myself without anything happening, what was going to happen: fucking awkward conversations and tension thick enough to cut a raw fucking bleeding steak.

The duration of November, however consisted of Lindsey and I hanging out with her friends that I had met at the Halloween party. Especially Frances. She was a cool chick. Even when Lindsey was busy at work or school, I'd hang out with Frances at Lynz's apartment, reading books and drinking coffee or watching old low budget horror flicks. She was becoming a good friend of mine, but nothing sexual at all. Really she kind of reminded me of Sophie. We could talk hours about the universe and deep philosophies. It was very relaxing. Lindsey didn't mind, in fact she was stoked that I was making friends with her friends.

And for Thanksgiving Lindsey came over for dinner, along with Dylan and Matt's new girlfriend Penelope. So in all it created a big group of us, counting all the relatives that came. It was a great time, and for what felt like a long time, I didn't feel so lonely. But I still had to take my drugs. It was becoming an increasing habit. Sometimes I tried to go a day without snorting a blow or popping a pill, yet I couldn't do it. I'd get agitated and restless, then if I went so far as to a couple of days, I'd start to get hot flashes then chills and by then I'd cave just to make it all stop. I hated myself, especially when I had to leave from the diner table on Thanksgiving to go snort a line in my bathroom, but I was starting to get shaky. I knew my body was craving that evil powder. And of course to get the drugs, I still had to keep in contact with Bert. I mean we were friends, but at the same time I knew it was a dysfunctional friendship I had to break off sooner or later...

I was laying in my bed, listening to MGMT while I was mulling this all over. I had smoked a bowl or two of pot to calm myself down. Frank was coming home today for Christmas break and I was biting my nails down to the bit. I hadn't been around him since we broke up when he had moved to Hambone's right after. We'd had no contact whatsoever and I had no idea if he even knew I was dating. I knew Sarah called him a few times a week, but I had no idea to what extent their conversations went to. I didn't even know if they talked about me. In a way I was weirdly jealous that Sarah talked to Frank, though. I mean I knew Sarah had Dylan...but still...Lindsey would be coming over later tonight however to pick me up to go to a get together with Frances and her boyfriend. Like a double date I guess. But that left me with the whole afternoon.

Once the MGMT album Congratulations was half way over, I tensed when I heard the front door open. Mom and David had left hours ago to pick Frank up from the airport. I could hear muttering ensue, causing me to strain my hearing...

“...No thanks. I'm just going to go up to my room and rest for a while.” Frank low muffled voice sounded from downstairs. Just the mere sound of his voice after so long, made my stomach ache and drop all at the same time.

“Okay, well if you get hungry I'll be happy to make you something before dinner.” Mom's voice offered. No response. Then I heard heavy footsteps thumping their way upstairs. I'm sure Frank had just nodded or some other sort of silent response, perhaps even one I just couldn't hear from my room.

Unwillingly my heart hammered the closer I heard Frank's footsteps got. I was being ridiculous. Like he wasn't going to bust into my room, he was going to him room like he'd said. Still. Knowing he was so close after so long, made my whole body shake and heart hammer. Clenching my fist into tight painful balls at my sides, I hear him approach the landing. His footsteps where quieter then, not hitting the hardwood floors, but instead soft carpet. Muffled, I could tell he was heading towards his bedroom, the the gentle shutting of his door behind him. Letting out a breath, I didn't know I was holding, I couldn't help but wonder what he was doing in there...

❤❤ ❤ Frank❤❤❤

The moment I walked through the door of the house, I regretting to agreeing to spend the Christmas holidays at home. Knowing I was in such close vicinity of Gerard made my head spin. But it was either spending Christmas alone in the dorms, moping, cutting, and crying or bracing the inevitable awkwardness that was of seeing Gerard again. So I manned up and decided Jersey instead of Ohio. Really either one was a bust, but one of them I was going to have to do eventually. I couldn't not ever see Gerard again. Our parents were getting married. I'd already avoided Thanksgiving and I'd gotten enough grief from Sarah, Susan, and even Dad about that.

Even as I walked passed Gerard's door, I couldn't help but hold my breath. Of course I wasn't going in and he certainty wasn't fucking coming out to greet me. So I decided to go straight to my old bedroom. I had nothing else to do. No one was home yet...I wasn't even one hundred percent sure Gerard was. Only Dad and Susan and I sure as Hell wasn't going to hang with them. My room sounded much better. It looked the same way as it did when I left to live with Hambone. Really being in my room and the house in general brought back nostalgic memories I didn't want to deal with. It was the same house I met Gerard in, the same room Gerard and I first made love to in. Crushing my eyes shut, I threw myself onto my bed. The sheets smelt the same even. Susan must have washed them before I came over, or else they would have had that weird unused scent to them. That was the last thought that filtered through my brain, though; I must have been exhausted from my flight because the next thing I knew someone was shaking me awake.

“Frank...Frank you got to get up. Dinners ready.” Sarah's now recognizable voice wavered through my sleep-fogged brain. Grumbling in reply I dragged myself to sit up.

“There we go.” She smiled brightly. I couldn't help but half smile back at her and stand up. Sarah engulfed me into the biggest hug I'd had in awhile. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I squeezed tight, forcing myself not to cry. It felt so nice to be hugged. To actually have some fucking human interaction. I'd been alone for so long.

“Nice beard...you look tired though.” Sarah commented, pulling back and holding me at arms length. I brought a hand absentmindedly to my face, feeling the hair growing on my jaw and cheeks. I sighed and rolled my eyes, after dropping my hand and made my way out of the embrace.

“Thanks. You look good too.” I mumbled back. My room had gone dark now, I could barely see the outlines of Sarah's face.

“You know that's not what I meant...Are you okay?” She pressed, taking my hand and leading us out of the dark room. I huffed a sigh, moving with her.

“I'm fine, Sarah.” I replied shortly. Sarah stopped walking to turn and look at me. Narrowing her blue stunning eyes, I shifted uncomfortably under her judgmental gaze.

“Really, Frank.” She demanded in that motherly tone she had somehow.

“Don't we have an awkward dinner waiting for us downstairs?” I pointed out, trying to lighten the already heavy atmosphere. Sarah sighed that time.

“Fine. But we're going to discuss this after dinner.” She warned, pulling me along again down the stairs and into the kitchen.

My heart was hammering again for the second time that day, once we walked through the kitchen doors, as Sarah let go of my wrist. There he was. Gerard sitting at the dinner table with his back to me, albeit, but still in the same room as me since prom night. I felt so nervous, I thought I was going to faint. My knees were already starting to buckle, my palms already starting to sweat. Quickly scanning the room I saw Matt sitting next to Gerard. I guess it's already been decided I sit next to Sarah now. Dad sat at the table too, While Susan fluttered around putting food down on the table. I don't think anyone even noticed us at first.

“Mom, Frank's down.” Sarah announced, making her way over to the table. I froze as everyone one...but Gerard turned around to look at me.

“Oh, Frank!” Susan chirped, coming towards me and wrapping me up in a tight hug, even though she'd already done so earlier that morning when I got off the plane. Nonetheless I hugged her back. I wanted to be polite seeing how excited she seemed to be. “Take a seat, honey.”

“Yeah, okay.” I murmured, weaving my way past Gerard and Matt to sit next to Sarah. It looked like we were having pot roast, with a grilled cheese for me, mashed potatoes, and green beans. Susan, just finished platting the table once I sat down, coming to take her own seat. Quietly everyone began to dish out their food, Matt helping Gerard like I used to do. I kept my head down, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone. But that didn't last too long. In fact Matt was the first to break the silence.

“So Frank, how's school?” He began cooly, his voice deeper than I remembered.

“Uhm, good.” I started, darting my eyes up to make eye contact with Matt. He smiled warmly at me, taking me by surprise. He hated me the last time I saw him. I guess he'd realized I never hit Gerard and had gotten over our fighting.

“What classes are you taking.” He went on, pushing for conversation. I then went on to tell him my boring freshman schedule, full of mandatory classes I had to take like English and Math. He nodded polity as I spoke during the conversation, but Dad however seemed to want to jump in.

“How's Ohio anyways? How's your mother?” He asked, sounding genuinely curious. I coughed, looking over the table to Dad.

“Same old Mom. New boyfriend. Doesn't give a damn about me.” I explained, as I couldn't help but come off as bitter. Dad sighed.

“I'm sorry to hear that, Frank.” He offered. I nodded and shrugged.

“It's okay. I guess I should be used to it.” I muttered. Susan reached a hand over on top of mine, giving a sympathetic squeeze. I looked over into her eyes, the ones that looked so much like Gerard, giving her a weak smile.

“Have you made any friends there?” Susan tried, letting my hand go. I squirmed on my seat blushing. I should have known they'd ask such questions. The truth was that I was the same, if not more than a loser I was before. I shrugged.

“Hey Frank?” Matt asked, saving me. I whipped my head around to face Matt.

“Yeah?” I wondered a little too enthusiasticly.

“Are you still gay?” He asked making my eyebrows form together.

“Yes?” I said slowly as if it were a trick question.

“Matthew!” Sarah hissed, “Don't be an ass.”

“I'm not! I was just wondering. I'm sure I could get a lot of girls that would want to date you.” He defended, making me blush even more.

“Matthew!” Susan gasped then. It was actually kind of funny.

“I mean I dunno. I could ask around the football team.” Matt went on ignoring his Mom's horrified reaction.

“I doubt Frank wants to date a seventeen year old Junior in High School.” Sarah scuffed, making me chuckle.

“What? You can get Gee to date your friends, but I can't get Frank to date my friends?” Matt argued making me tense. I couldn't help but steal a glance over at Gerard. He was just moving food around on his plate with his fork, looking miserable. I felt my smile wipe off my face.

“Yeah because you're friends are illegal to date.” Sarah pointed out, matter of factually.

“Only if they fuck!” Matt whined, making Susan gasp, elbowing Matt in the ribs.

“Matthew don't talk like that at the dinner table.” She chastised. Before Matt could whine again, all of a sudden Gerard dropped his fork on his glass plate with a loud clank, making all of our heads, even mine, turn at once to look at him. He was scowling, his eyes lost behind his sunglasses. Those fucking sunglasses.

“Can I be excused?” He asked, pointedly. I flinched back. I hadn't even said anything, but I knew it was because of me.

“You've hardly eaten anything.” Susan pointed out, her voice soft and motherly.

“I'm not hungry.” He grumbled. Susan sighed.

“I suppose.” She went on. Gerard stood up right away, marching out of the room and upstairs. Not long after I heard his bedroom door slam shut, making me jump in my seat as a reflex. Well that went fucking awesome.

“What? Gerard can fuck other people, but Frank can't?” Matt mumbled under his breath. I sighed, bowing my head and picked at my food.

“Gerard's so dramatic.” Matt said at a normal volume that time.

“He'll be fine.” Susan waved off, starting to eat again. “So...Frank? Tell me more about Ohio.”

*****

The rest of dinner went on as normal, thank God. But after dinner, when Susan was dishing out a cheery pie she had made for dessert, Gerard came stomping back downstairs. He almost made it to the front door without Susan noticing him, as I heard the front door barely creak open.

“Gerard?” Susan called from the kitchen, raising her voice. I heard Gerard sigh.

“Yeah, ma?” He shouted back exasperatedly.

“Where are you going?” She asked, continuing with the shouting, rather than one of them meeting the other.

“Out with Lindsey.” He said shortly. A pause.

“...Fine. Don't be out too late.” She ordered. Then without a goodbye, a slamming of the front door instead sounded.

“I'm so tired of that boys attitude.” Susan huffed, finally sitting down again, now that all of us had pie and coffee. Suddenly I wasn't very hungry though. Gerard hated me and I hated myself too. He couldn't even stand to be under the same roof as me; just the thought made tears swell up in my eyes and my throat constrict with a burning sensation.

“Uh, Susan could you save this for me, please? I'm not feeling too well, I think I'm just going to go lie down.” I asked, not wanting to be rude. She has put a lot of effort into the dinner and dessert, you could tell. Susan smiled warmly, but her shaped eyebrows furrowed.

“Are you sure?” She pressed worriedly. I nodded trying to offer a grateful smile. “Alright. I'll just put it into a container so it doesn't get stale. Go rest, honey.” She waved off.

I nodded, getting up from my seat, trying to avoid Sarah's suspicious gaze, and made my way back to my dark room. Flipping on the light, I sighed and threw myself onto the bed, like I had done earlier when I first got home. Letting out a gust of wind from my lungs, into the bedrooms air, I scrubbed at my eyes, trying to make the tears in my eyes go away. Rolling over onto my belly, I screaming into my pillow, holding it tight to my face until I couldn't breath. I almost considered just smothering myself to death if that were even possible. But then my lungs started to burn and figuring if I was really going to kill myself I'd want it to be quick like a bullet in the brain. This whole entire situation sucked. Gerard had a girlfriend and hated me. I was still madly in love with him and I hated myself too. We lived, at the moment, under the same roof and Christmas was fast approaching. Fuck my life.

Before too long, lost in my self-pitting thoughts, I heard soft footsteps make their way upstairs and into the upstairs lounge. Then timid voices, as if not wanting to be heard. With my attention peaked I dragged myself off the bed to stand by the door. Pressing my ear against the cool wood I could hear Sarah and Matt whispering back and forth in a heated conversation.

“...He needs to stop being such a dick. He's the one that ended the relationship.” Matt scuffed.

“I know, I agree. But try and see it from Gerard's point of view. He's only being rude because he really cares.” Sarah countered.

“Cares?” Matt hissed, “Some way of showing it. Like Frank's only here for the holidays, he needs to get a grip and stop being so mean. This is his house too.”

“I agreed, but like I'm saying. Gerard's never been good at showing his emotions and coping. Hence his fucking drug use.” Sarah argued. “And I thought you hated Frank.”

“I did.” Matt admitted, “But I realized Frank wouldn't hit Gee. And I was just being protective. But now that Gerard's acting like a dick and obviously doesn't want my concern and Frank's miserable...I side with Frank. He's not being the dick here.”

“Well it's not like I'm taking sides!” Sarah defended, her voice rising.

“I'm not saying that!” Matt replied cooly

“I just want to see both of their sides and help them. Making Gerard upset wont make anything easier.” Sarah went on, explaining her reasoning.

Taking my ear back, I threw myself back onto the bed with fresh swelling tears in my eyes. I had heard enough. Now I was starting to make them fucking fight and take sides. I never wanted to start friction between the family and in fact, that's what Dad had feared right from the beginning of learning about Gerard's and I's relationship. This was a ll my fault. I loathed myself down to my aching bones and rotting flesh. Sitting up, I scrubbed my face harshly with the back of my palms, as if I could erase the fibers that created and added up into the horrible creature I was. Break down the skin molecules layer by layer until I was a pile of dust shavings. I felt like I was itching with the anger brewing within me towards myself. Screaming into my pillow wasn't going to do it tonight. Instead I knew what I had to do to make this sensation evaporate.
Getting off the bed, I went over to my bag of luggage; rummaging threw the zipper pockets, until I found the little first aid kit I kept my razor blades in. That way I could clean up right after; it was actually very convenient. Striding quickly back to the bed, I sat perched at the edge, blade in hand. Breathing in deeply, shakily, I poised the cold blade against my skin and with my exhalation, I swiped the sharp metal across my fragile skin. I felt a delayed sting moments after the cut. Then relief, like the first drag of nicotine from your morning cigarette. The cut was thin but deep, a pool of blood collecting, then gathering, and sliding down my forearm. Again and again, I repeated the action until my arm was dripping with lines of deep red blood. It looked like one of those paintings people made by filling up balloons with paint, hanging them on a canvas, and popping them with darts. My arm was the canvas, by blood vessels the balloons, and my blade; my own personal dart with shaky yet deadly aim. I only wished the relief would last longer, but I knew I had to stop. Cutting was like playing Russian Roulette. I never knew if I would go too deep on accident. Each time I'd cut I made sure to not let myself get carried away with my emotions and put too much pressure on the blade. I had to be careful. What a contradiction, I couldn't help but think to myself. Cutting my wrist carefully.

Poising the blade over the part of skin I intended on slicing open, I took another deep breath getting ready to make the last line of the night. Before I could though, I heard the opening of my bedroom door and I panicked. The sounded caused me to jump, slashing the blade across my skin too deep and too fast. Immediately blood began to gush at an alarming rate down my arm. I didn't even feel pain, I could only notice the look of horror on Sarah's face as she stood at the doorway. We both were frozen. Me with fear and embarrassment, Sarah with shock. Looking down at the damage of my wrist, I cringed at the sight. Blood streaming like water down my arm, the wound open and deep enough for me to see fatty tissue and veins, I luckily didn't catch. Snapping my gaze back to Sarah, she was still, blue eyes wide like saucers. I could feel my own eyes expand abnormally in reaction to our situation. But I couldn't look for long as my head began to swim and get fuzzy. Slowly I lowered backwards onto my back, slipping my eyes shut.

“Oh no you don't!” Sarah shouted, my action seeming to have pulled a reaction from her. I heard the bedroom door slam shut, her hurried footsteps making their way to the bed. Then I felt her frantic cold hands slapping my cheeks, “Wake up! Stay awake!” She demanded. Fluttering my eyelids back open, she grabbed my good wrist and forced me to sit back up.

“Shit. Frank! I need to take you to the hospital!” She cried, running around my room, making me dizzy.

“No! No hospital!” I mumbled. Sarah ignored me, snatching a random shirt off the floor, and pressed it forcefully against my cut. Hissing in pain, I flinched away.

“I have to stop the bleeding. Your loosing too much blood!” She screamed, the noise hurting my ears. I winced again, feeling panicked at the thought of having to go to the hospital.

“It's your fault! You should have knocked! You scared me barging in here like that!” I yelled in defense. Sarah looked enraged and surprised all at once.

“MY fault! This is all your own fault! You shouldn't have been cutting in the first place, Frank!” She countered, incredulously.

“Don't be so fucking rude.” I grumbled, furrowing my eyebrows.

“I'm not dealing with this right now. We can argue later. Right now I need to take you to the ER.” She shook her head.

“NO!” I whined, “I can't have anyone know!” I was almost crying with fear at the idea of Dad knowing I was cutting again. I couldn't believe this was happening; I had been so careful for a reason.

“Frank you'll die!” Sarah tried to reason.

“Good.” I mumbled like a child, defiantly.

“Don't say that! Look, I'll sneak you out. No one will have to find out. I'll say we're getting coffee or something. We should be back by the time everyone's asleep. Deal?” She went on, speaking a mile a minute, trying to save time. Trying to save my dumb ass life. I huffed a sigh but nodded and stood up on shaky feet. Sarah took my elbow gingerly, guiding me out the room quickly.

We made it to the stairs unnoticed, due to the mere fact Matt had gone back to his room. Making our way down the stairs however, I could hear the faint sound of the TV going off in the living room next to the kitchen. I was fucked. I just knew it. I began to shake at the thought, my head swimming more and more with the amount of blood I was still loosing. Sarah tightened her grip on my elbow, centering me.

“When we get to the bottom, just make a break for the door. I'll meet you outside.” She whispered in a harsh frantic tone. I nodded sluggishly. Quickly we descended down as fast as we possibly could, slowed down by the fact of my wooziness. At the landing, though, I did as Sarah said, and ran for the front door. Finding some kind of desperation in hopes of not being caught, I ran as fast as my ass could carry me, practically ripping the front door open and slamming it behind me. Really the bottom of the stairs to the front door wasn't far, but there was plenty of time for Dad and Susan to notice me and I just thanked God they hadn't. Panting, I slumped against the wall next to the giant front door, listening to Sarah talk to her Mom inside.

“...Going out for coffee. I'm trying to cheer him up. We'll be back later.” Sarah replied, her voice calm and collected. Mine sure as Hell wouldn't have been.

“Why did Frank run out, though?” Susan asked, sceptically.

“He's just...jittery. Doesn't want to really be home right now is all.” She covered up.

“Hmm.” She grunted, not sounding satisfied, “Well alright then. Have fun. Don't be out too late.”

“We won't. Love you.” Sarah finished, then without a response her frantic footsteps could be heard from outside, tapping rhythmically against the wood floor. Without warning, I heard the front door fly open and close, making me jump.

“Fuck you scared me.” I sighed.

“Seems like I'm doing that a lot lately.” She said dryly, to what could have been a joke, but came out deadly.

Sarah didn't bother for me to reply, though and firmly took my elbow, dragging me to the car. Once inside her car and buckled up, she speed as fast as humanly possible towards the hospital. I would have been concerned for my life, if I hadn't of been drifting in and out of conscientiousness. Sarah at one point took hold of the shirt on my wound, pressing down hard.

“OUCH! FUCK!” I shouted from surprise and both pain.

“You're not putting enough pressure! It's bleeding way too much, Frank. You need to stay with me honey.” She cried, her voice shaky and scared. I sighed, trying to do as she said; keeping pressure and staying awake. We didn't talk at all. There was nothing to say, and despite out situation, I felt awkward with a million things I wanted to say running through my mind, but I knew it wasn't a good time. I was going to have to explain myself once we knew I wasn't going to fucking die. Thankfully the ride wasn't long, though with taking into account Sarah's speeding and the close proximity to the hospital from home.

Sarah parked fast and crooked; cutting the engine then throwing her door open, running around the car and throwing mine open as well. That time she didn't care for gentleness, clasping my collar and hauled me out of the car. Running to the automatic-sliding-glass doors, Sarah dragged me to the front counter. The lady behind the desk barley batted an eye as Sarah emotionally explained to her our situation, probably more than used to these kinds of situations. Even in the state I was in I couldn't help but feel I could never get used to a situation like this. I mean, I know she didn't know me, but this was someone's life at stake here. An obviously self-inflicted one too. Despite her lack of emotion, however, nurses were soon rushed to me, putting me on a gurney and taking me back to a medical room. Sarah followed behind, while they carded me to my ER room.

Quickly a doctor came in not moments later, right away poring disinfectant on the cuts. I couldn't help but scream bloody murder; it burned more than a million sunburns, stung more than a million eyelashes stuck in your eyeball. All at once. Sarah held my hand, letting me squeeze as hard as I needed to. I decided to focus on her eyes, while the whole thing took place. Her sad blue sympathetic eyes. After the burning, I felt sharp needles prick my wrist. Sucking in air through my teeth, I hissed in pain. I was withering in agonizing pain by then.

“I have to numb your wrist to put the stitches in.” The doctor explained, talking for the first time in a monotone voice. I decided then, that all medical jobs had to come with void of emotion in order to survive. I guess if you had to take in everyone's emotions all day, ever day, you would want to kill yourself too.

Whimpering, I felt more pricks here and there, but then finally nothing. Just an odd sensation of my skin being tugged up and down as the doctor threaded the stitches inside my open wound. Sarah kept hold of my hand, her eyes growing sadder by the moment. And it was then, when I saw tears swell in her eyes, I felt tears swell in mine. A barrier was broken then, shame, guilt, depression all washing over me. I was finally able to feel all the sadness and remorse I had been suppressing since Gerard and I broken up. But it was all hitting me at once, all together. Like a Tsunami tide waiting to engulf me, drown me, and swallow me whole. Clamping my eyes shut tight, I opened my mouth and let out an agonizing wail. It was so loud, I wanted to put my hands over my ears and I was the one crying. I sounded like a dying animal. But I was an animal then. A grief-stricken, suicidal, mammal that was cursed to live a life, I never even asked for. The sounds that came out of my mouth weren't human. Every time I closed my lips to gasp in air, and I reopened them to cry, I could feel strings of saliva hang inside my mouth from bottom lip to top. I could feel snot dripping from my nose, face hot, and tears streaking down my cheeks. It was a terrible pathetic sight.

When the doctor was done, after about an hour of stitching me up, he cleaned up my forearm, that was decorated with dried up lines of blood. Then he put in an IV, feeding mineral and electrolytes I had lost from the amount of blood loss. That and a blood transplant as well. And after all that still, he put ointment on the stitches and a bandage so it wouldn't get infected, instructing me to change the bandage every day, twice a day with Neosporin. But I just cried through it all, the doctor silently moving along in his actions. He didn't even say anything as he left, but merely walked out. Once he was gone, I let go of Sarah's hand and curled up on my side, sobbing into the pillow. Sarah, though, climbed on the bed behind me, hugging me from the back. The human contact made me cry even harder, if that were possible. Sarah held me tight, whispering words of comfort and love. After a long while, I was too tired to keep crying and was reduced to sniffles. Both Sarah and I were silent then. Not for long, however because a doctor was sent in; a different one from before that put my stitches in. This doctor was a woman, who smiled warmly at me.

“Hello Frank.” She greeted me, pulling up a seat by my bed side. I didn't say anything, just stared at her with swollen and bloodshot eyes.

“Well, I came in here to talk to you...Do know what I want to talk about?” She tried to ask kindly, but I only felt like she thought I was stupid. I shook my head barely. She sighed.

“Well since you've come into the hospital with self-inflicted wounds, it's required they have a psychologist do an evaluation on you to see if you need professional help.” She explained gently. I stared at her confused.

“I didn't try to kill myself if that's what you need to know. This was an accident.” I defended my voice harder than I had intended. The doctor nodded slowly.

“Frank, you have to know I hear that all the time.” She pointed out. I shook my head fervently, feeling more tears swell and fall onto my face.

“But I didn't!” I cried.

“Okay. Okay.” She repeated, putting her hands up in defeat.

“It's true, Ma'am.” Sarah cut in despite herself, “It's true. He was cutting. But I walked in and it startled him, making him cut himself deeper than intended. He wasn't cutting with intentions to kill himself.”

The psychologist didn't respond at first, but her deep brown eyes flickered between Sarah and myself, trying to tell if we were lying or not. Then she sighed, seeming like she came to a conclusion she didn't like which made me nervous.

“Alright. I won't admit you...But I am going to ask you to seek a counselor or therapist of some sort. Cutting is a serious matter that shouldn't be taken lightly. And I swear if I see you again Frank, I will admit you.” She warned sternly. I nodded frantically, a weak smile of relief forming on my face.

“I'll write a list of recommendations, of therapist I think will do you some help. Good colleagues of mine. That is while you check out. Once I clear you, you should be fine to go, but not before I give you the list.” She warned again, pointing a motherly finger at me. I smiled a little more genuinely that time and nodded once more.

“Thank you.” I replied weakly. The doctors face broke into a smile.

“Of course Frank.” She nodded once. Sarah shook her hand with thanks as well and she left the room. We simply sat in silence until a nurse came in to take out my IV's and told us I was ready for discharge. Getting to me feet shakily, Sarah and I walked back to the front desk, gathering my stuff. I just had them throw away my blood drenched tee-shirt. My poor Misfits merchandise. Well I guess it was just another way they've saved my life. Sarah and I had to sit and wait a moment, though before the psychologist came to give me that list. It wasn't long, however. She walked back from the doors separating the ER and the waiting room. Handing me the promised list with a smile, I promised her one last time to keep my end of the deal and get professional help. And also that I wouldn't see her again. At lest not on such terms; like at an ER with slit wrist. After she left, though, we had to pay. And I was fucking scared again. How the fucking fuck was I suppose to pay?! I was a college kid! And I almost just killed myself, but I had to pay people to save my life? Where was that justice in that? Seriously fuck the government. Beginning to panic, Sarah took hold of my shoulder.

“Frank, listen. I'll just pay with my Mom's insurance card. We use it all the time for Gee.” She offered, but I shook my head so fast I thought it was going to fly off.

“Then she'll see the bill and everyone will know!” I cried.

“If you can't pay the bill now, they're going to bill to the address you filled out, anyways.” The front desk lady cut in. I groaned in frustration.

“What can I do then?” I asked of her.

“Well we can set you up with a payment plan?” She offered, shrugging her shoulder.

“But I don't have the money. Like at all. I'm in school.” I informed. She gave a sympathetic smile, obviously knowing I wasn't going to like what she had to say next.

“Well your options are; it going on your credit score, you could take a loan and pay if back when you do have the money, or filing for help in credits.” She went on explaining all options that weren't plausible for me.

“I suppose I'll take the loan.” I sighed heavily.

“No!” Sarah barked, “Just use the damn insurance card!”

“I fucking can't Sarah! Your Mom and my Dad will see the bill!” I argued.

“Too bad, you don't have many options do you?” She argued right back. I could feel frustrated tears build in my eyes out of shame.

“What-fucking-ever.” I snarled, walking to sit in a waiting chair while she paid with the damned insurance card. Sitting with arms folded across my chest, I felt a few tears leak out but I wiped them away quickly. I could hear Sarah answering questions and filling out more information, but after not too long, she was walking back to me.

“Let's get home. We've been gone more than three hours.” She murmured, gently shaking my shoulder. I must have drifted to sleep; I nodded though and we walked to the car in silence. We drove home in silence. I cried silently, looking out the window. The world was frosted over in snow and ice. Honestly, just how I felt inside. Cold and obsolete. Just like the winter time. My own little world was a winter snow globe and I was a deer trotting around in the snow. It was cold and the winter was cruel and unforgiving, freezing my life sources, forcing me to die of starvation while frozen and exhausted. Fucking mother nature.

Sarah cut the engine, startling me from my metaphors. I unclicked my seat belt and pushed open the car door, letting the late December air wave over my face. Holding my tee-shirt closer to me, I really wasn't in the proper attire for the weather, but Sarah and I had been in some what of a rush at the moment of leaving the house. Sarah lead the way to the front door, me following her like a lost puppy. Silently, slowly her nudged the front door open, being careful as to not make a sound. We didn't want to be caught after all our hard work. Maintaining our status for silence, I followed her up the stairs, all while wanting to say something but I couldn't think of a thing. Like an explanation as to why I'd been cutting. But honestly, I wasn't even sure myself. All I knew at the moment, was that it had been an extremely long day, full of drama and tears and blood; all I wanted was to go to bed and sleep until winter was over. I had gone from Ohio to New Jersey, had an awkward dinner with Gerard, cried and cut, been taken to the ER with Sarah for stitches, and a few mental breakdowns in between; all within the amount of 24 hours, give or take.

Walking upstairs, though I could hear movement in the lounge. It was a strange sound I couldn't quite make out. But once Sarah and I meet on the landing, I could see in the dim lighting Lindsey and Gerard on the couch making out. My stomach dropped at the sight, my heart clenching uncomfortably. Sarah and I both stood still, merely staring, being taken by surprise. We expected for everyone to be sleeping. So much for thinking. Sarah cleared her throat, though, startling them. I guess they were so wrapped up in each other they didn't even hear us come in...

“Oh!” Lindsey gasped, a deep embarrassed red blush dusting on her cheeks. “I didn't know you guys were home!” She rushed out, while Gerard just looked confused.

“Yeah well we just got in.” Sarah replied, monotone.

“Oh.” Gerard replied back, just as unamused. I hated him then at how rude he was being. I hated Lindsey too. I hated that Gerard loved her. I hated that she was so pretty, like a model with her full lips and high cheekbones. Even being gay, she was attractive. I hated that she was nice and friendly and kind. I hated that she was everything I wasn't.

“Yeah.” I muttered, shoving past Sarah and quickly walking to my room, slamming the door behind me, not caring about their reactions.

Throwing myself on my bed, I cried. I just cried and cried, feeling a new wave of humiliation and exhaustion and depression wash over me. I wanted to die then. I wanted to rip out my stitches and bleed to death there on my bed. Burrowing my face in my pillow, it began to absorb my salty pitiful tears, like a sponge. I could hear loud arguing, but I tried not to listen.

“I didn't even know you guys were home!” Gerard yelled, making me cringe. Why did Sarah have to defend me? It just made Gerard upset.

“Whatever. You're such a dick. I'm sorry Lindsey. I'm not mad at you. It's not your fault your dating an asshole.” Sarah seethed back, her footsteps getting close. I heard her retch open my bedroom door, closing it ruffly behind her.

“Oh, Frank.” She sighed. I pulled my head up to look over my shoulder at her. My eyes must have been red, my face stricken with tears. All in all I must have looked a mess. Sarah walked timidly over to my bed, sitting down beside me.

“Don't cry.” She murmured, pushing my growing, but still short hair, behind my ear, “He's not worth it.” She went on. I just sniffled in a gasp of breath, exhaling with a loud sob. I didn't care if Gerard and Lindsey heard me then. Let them hear the pathetic human being I was.

“H-he is t-though.” I blubbered. Sarah didn't reply, but lied down beside me, gathering me in her arms, letting me cry.

“Shh. Shh.” She soothed, rocking me back and forth awkwardly as we were laying down.

I cried for a long time, but eventually I was just so exhausted I couldn't stay awake. Somewhere in between drifting to sleep, I felt Sarah reach over to turn off the night stand that was never turned off when we were rushing to the hospital. It was an odd moment, I'll admit, falling asleep in Sarah's caring arms. It was odd we slept in each others arms that night too as Sarah never left, me waking up still in her embrace. But it was nothing sexual. Not one bit. It was purely loving. And honestly, that's all I need in that moment; to know someone out there loved me.

Notes

So I decided to give you guys a double update since it'll probably be a week or so until I can update again bc I'm going to Texas this weekend and then back to school right after. Plus I'm falling behind in my update to writing ratio. I usually like to be like eight chapters ahead but now it's only like three just cause I haven't had time to sit down and write. My dad's health isn't good and school and stress and all that is making it all harder. I dunno. I might take a break from this once I get all I have written updated. Love you all. Rate, subscribe, and comment.