A Broken Heart Is Blind

With my hair tangled in Lindsey's short hair, I could feel her sucking on my neck, a hickey probably already blooming beneath her lips and teeth. She was straddled on my lap, her thighs on each side of my hips, while I lay underneath her. Moving one hand from her hair, I placed it instead on her hip giving a squeeze that caused her to moan against my neck. Lindsey had come over for the afternoon. We had been watching old crappy horror flicks until we'd somehow managed to start making out heatedly.

September had passed it's way through the calender, consisting of Lindsey and I dating. We hadn't officially started going as boyfriend and girlfriend yet, though. But during September I had gotten to know a lot more about her, like she was born in Dunoon, Scotland; raised by her mother and that she'd never met her father. Her dream was to have her paintings in an art gallery one day and tour with her band. That her favorite flower was a lily and she took her coffee with one cream and two sugars. That she had lots of tattoos; a sleeve consisting of a roster, a painting of The Great Wave by Hokusai, and a skull. Those were the main points of the sleeve, she said. Lindsey had other random tattoos as well; some thigh tats, a stomach one and a few here and there on her right arm like the number thirteen, a clover, and a black cat standing on a star. What was it with lovers and tattoos for me?... But Little random things like that, that all add up in knowing a person. Routinely, I would go over in the afternoon, to her apartment when she got out of school were I would try and help her move more and more things inside. We painted sometimes even, drinking coffee and listening to music. That was my favorite way to pass time with her. She came over to the house every now and then, as well, but I mostly just went over to her place. I hated being home.

And since I was dating I stopped fooling around with Bert or anyone else. But as much as I hated myself for it, I still saw him to get my drugs, that I needed. I just had to pay for them the hard way: money. Sometimes when I was desperate, Bert would pity me and let me off the hook, since we were friends. What a weird friendship. I like never was around Kat either, which sucked. She was a nice friend, someone easy to talk to. And speaking of good friends, I seemed to be dropping them like flies; I hadn't spoken to Sophie, y'know Neil's girlfriend that Frank was insanely jealous of because I had to kiss her one time on a stupid dare, the one that saved me from getting sexually assaulted by Tim Hagevik on prom night. Yeah, that one. I hadn't talked to her since like graduation. She'd call me every now and then asking me how I was doing. When I wasn't doing good, I stopped answering. I just couldn't face yet another person, of whom I respected that was disappointed in me. Like Ray. And like Ray, I needed to call her.

Lindsey was a great companion, but in a way I was using her to hide my feelings and responsibilities, like calling friends and making an effort. Instead I threw all that energy into being around her and Bert to get my fix. Lindsey knew in a way, we really didn't talk about it much, though. She knew I still took drugs, but didn't push the topic. I think she was afraid I'd flip out or something. And another taboo topic was Frank. I refused to talk more than a few sentences about him. It was frustrating to her, I'm sure. I'd be frustrated too, if I was her. I honestly don't even know why she wastes her time in the first place...

It was mid October now, and I was secretly afraid Frank was going never going to get out of my head. I could only wonder back, reminiscing about last October. About how I had freaked out when I couldn't think of what to give him for his birthday. How Ray helped me. That Frank stuck with me when I did in fact have a mental break down. How he held me all that night. My heart ached just at the memory. I longed for him to hold me again, no matter how much I hated myself for it at the same time...I remembered him crying when I gave him his gifts of that stupid baseball he hit me in the face with, a Mellon Collie CD, sunflowers, a homemade bracelet with Heroin Slow on it, and his own copy of Catcher in the Rye, in braille. He said he cried because it was the nicest stuff anyone had ever given to him on his birthday. I wanted to cry at the memory. And after I had given him his gift I gave him a blowjob. My first preformed blowjob. What a thing to associate with Halloween. I could only try and replace those memories this Halloween, I vowed to myself as I made-out with Lindsey on the upstairs couch. Before I couldn't dwell on any other old or new thoughts; I heard footsteps stomping up the stairs. I only half registered them, and continued moving my tongue with Lindsey's.

“What the Hell?” Sarah shouted, causing Lindsey to roll over off of my lap and land beside me.

“Oh, Gee! You dog!” Her boyfriend, Dylan, hollered at the same time. I sat up, wiping the back of my forearm across my mouth, with a deep blush creeping onto my face. I knew by now, her lipstick usually ended up on my mouth after kissing. Neither of us said anything.

“Dylan, go to my room. I need to talk to my brother and best friend.” Sarah sighed

“So bossy.” He muttered like a scorned child, his heavy footsteps indicating that he was listening to her nonetheless.

“Lindsey? You didn't tell me you and my brother were a thing?” Sarah accused, her tone slightly hurt, once we'd heard Dylan shut Sarah's bedroom door.

“I uh? I d-didn't think-” She stammered, “I didn't mean to offend you, Sarah. Really. I just...we've only been seeing each other for like a month.” Lindsey tried to explain, her tone sorry and worried about how Sarah would react.

“Really,” I decided to jump in and help, “We've only been dating. Plus you didn't tell me about Dylan until after awhile.”

“Like three dates.” Sarah clipped. I rolled my eyes.

“Still.” I challenged back. “Plus aren't you happy? You're the one who tried to get us to date each other in the first place.” I pointed out.

“Whatever.” Sarah grumbled, probably blushing. I couldn't help but smirk in the direction of her voice, while feeling around for Lindsey's hand beside me. She noticed what I was doing and met me half way. “So are you two like girlfriend and boyfriend now or what?”

“Uhm.” I squirmed, after a few long awkward seconds of neither Lindsey or I answering. “Not officially. Just dating at the moment.”

“Well, don't either of you think you're getting out of explaining everything to me, later. I want details from the both of you!” She warned. I just sighed and rolled my eyes while Lindsey giggled, both of us obviously not intimidated.

“Of course. I wouldn't expect anything other wise.” Lindsey chirped in, a smile in her voice.

“Yeah, yeah. Interrogate us later.” I waved off. Sarah huffed, but I heard her footsteps leaving us then, and her bedroom door open and close moments later.

“Well that was awkward.” Lindsey chuckled, snuggling into my side.

“You can say that again.” I agreed.

“Well...about what Sarah mentioned.” Lindsey began nervously, after a pause. I tensed visibly.

“What did Sarah mention?” I pressed.

“About being...official...Would you want to? To like be boyfriend and girlfriend?” She started, making my heart race. I mean I knew this is what I had wanted, but suddenly it felt as if all this was happening too suddenly.

“Um...I-I would love that.” I managed to choke out, trying to sound convincing. I didn't want to upset her and then lose her altogether. I mean I honestly did like Lindsey; I did. But I knew I didn't love her, at least not yet, and I wasn't sure if it was time to go official. But then I managed to convince myself in like two seconds, that I was just scared and I'd warm up to the idea. Lindsey I heard, sighed in relief, as if she'd been worrying about this for a while. I knew then I made the right decision. I'd hate it if I were the reason to make her sad. Reaching out, I pressed my lips to hers, trying to reassure her even more. She was such a sweet caring person that deserved anything she wanted.

The rest of the day went on in relaxation. And certainty no more interruptions from Sarah. Thank God. Lindsey and I made our way into my room to cuddle and talk. Eventually we went out and got coffee, as the weather outside was beginning to get chilly. I wondered what the weather in Ohio was like... Lindsey talked to me about if I had any plans for Halloween and I said, truthfully, I didn't. She invited me to a costume party, but I told her to let me think about it. I wasn't sure if partying was such a good idea.

“Why don't you think it's not a good idea?” She pressed, carelessly. I had to repress a sigh. Wasn't it obvious?

“Because...I haven't had good experiences with parties. Plus...I don't...I just-” I tried to explain, but it only came out in jumbles. How did you phrase to your brand new girlfriend that parties plus me meant alcohol and drugs and acting like a fool?

“Gee, please. It's not going to be like a wild high school party. It's just going to be a few friends. We'll dress up and like drink wine and talk. Nothing else.” She promised. I couldn't help but sigh that time. I could already feel myself budging.

“...I guess.” I caved and Lindsey squealed in excitement, wrapping her arms around me. I couldn't help but chuckle at her cute reaction. Wrapping my arms around her, I pecked her lips.

“Sarah's not going to be there is she?” I wondered, once we'd pulled back, settling on just holding hands. Walking around the town, I could hear leaves crunching under the weight of our feet.

“Probably. Why?” She giggled.

“That's weird.” I scrunched my nose up in distaste.

“No it's not. It'll be fun!” She replied, bumping her shoulder playfully against mine. “What do you think you'll dress up as?”

“I really have to dress up?” I whined

“Yeah!” Lindsey insisted, in mock horror. I smirked, the right side of my lips tugging upward, while the other half stayed down.

“Fine, then what are you going to go as?” I challenged

“Hmm. I was thinking Wonder Woman.” She mused, thoughtfully.

“Then I can go as Superman.” I teased. Lindsey smacked her lips together and I could practically hear her eyes rolling.

“Gerard.” She chastised firmly.

“What?!” I gasped.

“You're such a dork.” She tisked, but offered me a warm kiss on the cheek. I sighed. I wondered just how well this was all actually going to go.

*****

Sarah was true to her word and interrogated both Lindsey and I but separately. Lynz and I compared our interrogations together a few days later, laughing about all the ridiculous questions she sprung on us. Like, 'How did this all come about?' and 'When did you guys first kiss?' or 'What are your intentions for the relationship?'. Like chill the fuck out, Sarah. I swear she should be a lawyer.

That was only a few days after Lindsey and I became boyfriend and girlfriend. It was Halloween now and Lindsey and I were on our way to her friends costume party. Whoopty fuckin do. I ended up dressing as a vampire. So cliché but it was an easy up-do. Some fake teeth, all black clothes, Sarah put eyeliner on for me, and ta-da! Lindsey did as she mentioned, as dressed up like Wonder Woman, although I couldn't see the costume. But whenever I put my arm around her waist or something in that nature, I could feel her cape and belt and the corset. When she sat down in the car, I put my hand on her knee and could feel the nylon tights and lack of pants. I imagined she looked beautiful. The night was cold too, I couldn't imagine, though, how she could bear the weather in such an outfit. When I asked her about it, she just said,

“The weather does not bother Wonder Woman”, making me laugh until I cried. I loved when she said crazy stuff like that, making me laugh. She definitely was something. We chain smoked on the drive over to her friends house, that was close to her own apartment, so the ride wasn't long. But it gave me enough time, just enough, to make me anxious. Lindsey could tell.

“Gee, it's going to be just fine. I promise.” She tried to reassure. I huffed out a sigh of cigarette smoke, trying to calm myself down.

“Yeah, I hope so.” I muttered back.

I wished, then that I had taken extra Xanax before we left. I brought some with me, but I couldn't necessarily pop it out in the middle of the car ride. I'd have to wait until I could get to a bathroom. Lindsey, reached over, taking my free hand that I wasn't smoking with, the one on her thigh and took it, intertwining out fingers together. I turned my head towards her, trying to offer a genuine smile. It felt more like a grimace though. Lindsey tried rubbing her thumb over my knuckles after a few moments, but I gently took my hand away. The gesture reminded me too much of Frank and how he would do the same thing to try and calm me down. I'm sure Lindsey gave me a weird look, I couldn't see. Not long after, however, I felt the car hum to a stop and switch into park. Lindsey cut the engine off, and immediately popped the door open with a creak. I did the same, throwing my cigarette butt on the sidewalk. I could hear Lindsey's high heels clicking rhythmically against the streets gravel and then progressing onto the concrete sidewalk. Closer and closer I could feel her get to me. Reaching out a hand, she met me half way and connected our palms.

“You ready, baby?” She wondered softly. I nodded subtly and we began to walk together.

“Y'know it's going to be okay? You're going to get to meet my band mates and they're real excited to meet you too. They're friendly, really.” She went on, me humming and nodding at the appropriate times. Oh great. More band mates to meet. Hopefully there wasn't going to be any Hagevik's...

Before I knew it, Lindsey was knocking on a door, and moments later it was being opened, followed by the sound of enthusiastic greetings. The greeters feminine voice going high pitched and excited in which Lindsey copied. She let go of my hand, making me feel exposed. I imagined she was only letting go to hug someone though, because only a moment later my hand was back in hers and she was dragging me inside. The house smelled nice and homy, like brown sugar candles and Italian food. Our feet were moving against wooden floors too, I could tell by the distinct sound they were echoing out. Lindsey let go of my hand again, to my dismay to greet more friends.

“Hey, Gerard.” She smiled in her voice, taking my wrist and bringing me forward, “This is my best friend, Frances. She's not in my band but she's great. I met her in one of my freshmen art classes and we've been best friends ever since...Frances this is my boyfriend, Gerard.”

“Hey, Gerard!” Frances, greeted me warmly. She had a soft yet strong voice to her. I extended my hand out, hoping she hadn't already done so.

“Hi, Frances.” I replied back, as I felt her skinny cold hand take mine and shake. I prayed I didn't sound rude or nervous.

“You guys look cute. Wonder Woman looks perfect on you Lynz...And a vampire suits you too Gerard. You've got that mysterious air to you.” She offered, making me smile and chuckle.

“Thanks...What are you dressed as?” I asked apprehensively, hoping Lindsey had already told her I was blind.

“Oh, right! I'm an undead cheerleader. Not too original, but whatever.” She explained simply, a shrug practically sounding off of her.

“Nice. I can already see it.” I joked, making her laugh too.

“I like this guy, Lindsey. Much better than most of your boy toys.” She teased, making Lindsey giggle nervously.

“Thanks. I need to steal you guys from your conversation though. He needs to meet everyone else before we can get the party started.” Lindsey rushed out, squeezing my hand. Honestly I think she was just as nervous as me, about meeting her friends. Not in an ashamed way, though, just apprehensive like me. Frances sighed dramatically; teasing.

“Alright, alright. But hey! Gerard. Don't think you're getting away so fast. I intend to talk to you some more.” She warned.

“Of course.” I smiled, wider that time.

Lindsey then dragged me into another direction where I began to meet countless people. First she started with her band. Kitty, the only other girl in her band who played drums, was super sweet and smart. I think she was my favorite of the band. Then Steve the rhythm guitarist. He had a gruff voice and was a little intimidating, but all together nice and pleasant. Jimmy was the craziest; the singer. I mean he was friendly, albeit a little up in your face, but he was nice. He had more energy in one person, than I think I'd ever met. I think that's what made him come off as up in your face, but it was all with good intentions. He made dirty jokes and laughed loud and swung his arm over my shoulder a lot, as if we'd been friends our whole life. But he was smart too, I could tell. Most crazy people are.

And then I met his wife, yeah his wife! Chantal. She was intimidating too. She seemed real hard core and tough but funny at the same time. In a weird way, they fight together perfectly. I was actually jealous, if I'm going to be honest. After Jimmy and Chantal, however, I met more of Lindsey's non band friends. Jessicka was a great friend of Lindsey's, the one hostessing the Halloween party, of whom she'd also met in art classes. They both had the same taste in art and hoped to open an art gallery together. She was nice and sweet with the same kind of sense of dark humor everyone else did. Like cynical yet dirty and sophisticated all at the same time. Like I was in over my head, with all the stuff they knew. I mean I love art myself, but I couldn't help but feel intimidated with all their knowledge and confidence in which they carried themselves. That's why when I met her last friend, Alicia, it was like a breath of fresh air. She was still intimidating but in a different sense. She was a tough girl, with that punk vibe radiating off of her, like she didn't take any shit. She told me she wanted to become a professional wrestler one day too. She was one person I did not want to piss off.

But that was all who was there pretty much, a few other people here and there or Lindsey's friends significant others. Just as Lindsey promised there wasn't a clusterfuck of people there like there always was at Frank's parties he took me to. Maybe that was the difference between high school and college parties...then again all I heard was that college meant crazier times. Perhaps it was Lindsey's friends then...Soft music played in the background, alternative by the sounds of it, such as Pearl Jam and Nine Inch Nails and Oasis, while Lindsey and I sat on the couch in the main living room where everyone was accumulating. Jessicka ordered pizza and it was delivered within fifteen since she lived in the city. Once the pizza got there, we all dug in and drank red wine along with it. Really, I didn't think I'd ever tried wine before then. It was definitely different than Vodka. Smoother going down.

After about an hour of getting drunk off of Pizza Hut pizza and red wine, laughing and chatting with each other about music and art, the two subjects everyone seemed to love, even Alicia, (incidentally she had sick taste in music and played a little bass) we started entertaining the idea of getting out Jessicka's karaoke machine. Really it didn't take long with the amount of wine we'd consumed to begin to play. We sang in pares, but not assigned pares of course. Just singing with whoever we'd want. Frances forced me to sing I Love Rock 'N Roll by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, with her, me just singing the lyrics by heart as best I could. Then Lindsey and I sang Don't Stop Believing by Journey. Everyone told me I had a really good singing voice, but I just think everyone was really drunk by that point. When we'd all been singing karaoke for awhile, we'd split up into groups of people who wanted to continue singing karaoke and people who wanted to start playing Cards Against Humanity. Not wanting to necessarily do either, Lindsey decided to go upstairs and cool down. All the alcohol and laughing was making me all warm and slightly sweaty. I couldn't believe I was having such a great time! I'd never had so much genuine fun at a party before. All Frank's parties ended up in fights, embarrassment, and hangovers. And even if Lindsey had to leave me for some reason, like going to the bathroom or to get more wine or pizza, I was perfectly comfortable for her to. I felt comfortable around her friends, I felt like I'd known them forever already. Especially Frances; she was real weird but the good weird. Like I don't think I'll ever meet anyone more cool or unique than her. We had talked about all kinds of different books we've read and geeky comic books. I quickly decided I like Lindsey's friends. I don't know how Sarah fit in with them all honestly. Like not in a mean way...but Sarah was so serious and motherly. I guess she was more looser when around friends. I know I can act completely different around certain people. But nonetheless I was glad Sarah didn't show. I'm sure she was having just as much fun with Dylan wherever they were.

Slipping upstairs, however, I don't think anyone even noticed our absence, being so wrapped up in the games and singing. I was relieved by this. I didn't want to explain myself and I don't think Lindsey did either. We just needed time by ourselves for a moment.

*****

Lindsey straddled my lap, her hands tangled in my hair, while I had my hands gripping her waist, our mouths sewn together. Lindsey gradually began to pull her hips back and scoot them forward, slowly yet surely grinding into me. I could help but groan into her mouth, the faster she got, friction increasing. I would be lying if I didn't say I was nervous. Lindsey and I hadn't had sex yet, we'd only fooled around like handjobs and fingering and making out. Of course I wanted to, I hadn't had sex in like almost a month and a half. I was dying. But I didn't want to push Lindsey. Whenever we decided to have sex, I wanted her to be 100% comfortable...God I sounded like Frank...Shoving those thoughts out of my head, I began to rub the palms of my hands up and down her sides. Lindsey broke off our kiss, throwing her neck back to moan. Taking this as a good sign, I launched my lips to her neck, sucking and licking. Again Lindsey moaned out, louder that time.

“Gerard.” She mumbled out long and loud. I wasn't sure what to do next, though. I was hoping she'd initiate something or say anything, besides my name. So coping out, I dragged my hands down her back and cupped her ass, continuing to leave hickeys over her neck. This went on for a while, as Lindsey continued to grind onto me, moaning and groaning, making my dick harden. Really I wished the whole thing would just get along. We were in a spare room and I was worried someone would come looking for us, although Lindsey had locked the door, promising we were safe.

Before I could even attempt to make a move, Lindsey brought her hands out of my hair and placed them over my hands, bringing them around her back and onto her chest. Guiding my hands, she squeezed her hands over mine over her breast. Groaning myself, I milked her chest, pulling moans out of her. I could feel her moving around me, taking her own hands off of mine and bringing them back around to unzip her costume. I could hear the slow almost sexy sound of the metal coming undone, and then Lindsey was pulling the fabric away from under my hands, leaving my skin on her lace bra. Again Lindsey didn't bother with waiting though, but reached back and unclasped her bra and took it away. With my bare hands on her bare breasts, it was soft and warm , her chest heaving from her panting. Leaning in, I placed my mouth over her nipple, suckling at her boob. Lindsay dove her hands back into my hair, moaning and pulling the strands that time. Heaving herself up more, Lindsey had her crotch on my chest, standing on her knees. I continued to suck and lick at her tender flesh beneath my mouth, my hands gripping at her waist, squeezing the skin. Pulling back without a word, Lindsey's fingers went under the bottom hem of my shirt and pulled it roughly over my head.
Quickly then we frantically began undressing ourselves and each other, creating more problems than if we had done it in a calm matter. Lindsey got her costume twisted at one point and I couldn't seem to get my tight skinny jeans off either. Laughing at ourselves, I brought my face into the crook of her neck giggling.

“We're a mess.” I laughed.

“I know. We're a little eager aren't we?” She giggled back, her chest vibrating against my face.

“Very.” I growled, pulling my face back, and cupping her face gently to kiss her lips. Eagerly, she kissed back, that time going slower to undress.

Before too long, however, we were naked together on a spare bed in Jessicka's house. I'd had sex in stranger places , I figured with people I didn't even know. Rolling over on top of Lynz, I ground my dick against her, feeling just how wet she was, causing her to groan in pleasure. Feeling out, I put my hands inside of her inner thighs spreading them further apart then they already were.

“You sure you want this?” I made sure, before we could continue any further.

“Yes.” She breathed, “Yes, I want you Gerard.” I nodded and crawled down lower between her legs. I could feel Lindsey shivering, literately trembling beneath me with anticipation. Smirking, I at first nuzzled my face into her soft yet coarse pubic hair, smelling her mouth watering scent only a woman could produce. Opening my mouth, I dove my tongue inside her making her howl in ecstasy. I could feel her long fingers wove into my long hair, adding pressure into her vagina. Swirling my tongue around , I swiped it over her clit, making her whimper.

“Gee...” She panted, “I'm going to cum if you don't stop...Please...I need all of you.” She whined, tugging my hair up, indicating she wanted me to move away. I did as she commanded, although she winded again at the loss of touch.

“Do you have a condom?” I panted back, her taste still on my tongue, making me ever harder. My cock was aching.

“Bed side drawer. I know Jessicka leaves her guest stocked.” She joked. I smirked, reaching out not knowing what I was doing, but soon came in contact with a wooden drawer. Opening it quickly, my fingers rummaged around, until I felt that familiar plastic square. Snatching it up along with some lube, I slammed the door closed. Lindsey took the condom from my hands, opening it , from the sounds of it, gently. Without warning, I felt her cool fingers touch my throbbing cock. Moaning loudly, I could have cum just at that, as she rolled the condom onto my leaking dick. Once it was on, I took the lube into my hands and slicked myself up quickly, wiping my hand absentmindedly onto the bed sheets.

“You ready?” I pressed, bracing myself at her head. I could feel her sweet heavy breath waving on my neck, sending shivers down my spine.

“Yes.” She breathed, gently taking my face in her hands and pressing a loving kiss to my lips while she simultaneously wrapped her legs around my waist. Kissing back, I lowered one hand to guide myself into her. The feeling was something you never get over of entering another lover...It was then that I realized Lindsey was the only lover I had had other than Frank. The sensations it brought along with it was profound. Sad, sweet, and bitter all together. I cared for Lindsey. I honestly did, but it still wasn't the equal amount of love Frank and I had between each other...Shaking these stupid thoughts off, I stilled waiting for Lindsey to get used to me. Not long after, at all, she made a noise.

“Gee. Move, please.” She whimpered. Abiding, I started slow, not wanting to hurt her.
But before I knew it, I couldn't hold back though, and starter to go rougher and faster. Lindsey didn't protest, but moaned words of encouragement. And encouragement was all I needed to go for it. Slamming into her, the headboard started rocking against the wall with my thrusting. Lindsey pulled my hair from it's roots practically, with one hand, while the other scrapped her nails down my back, adding pleasurable pain. I moaned deeply, going deeper, in effect making Lindsey scream out my name, tightening her legs around my waist. Bringing my face down, I kissed her shortly then started working at my hickeys again on her neck, that I would never see. Panting I could feel sweat build up at my hair line as that familiar ball of heat coiled up in the pit of my stomach.

“Lindsey...I'm so close.” I warned, out of breath.

“M-me too. So close. Wait for me Gee.” She pleaded. I nodded, making my hips slam back and forth faster aiming for her clit each time to drive her nuts. Lindsey's breath hitched before I knew it, her nails digging into my back probably drawing blood. I could tell she was cumming, so I allowed myself to let go, moaning out deep and low. Cumming into the condom, I huffed feeling the euphoric sensation wash over me. Lindsey stilled, letting out pants and her hand relaxing, seconds before my orgasm was over, then I too stopped moving, but slumped forward. Breathing deep on top of Lindsey's sweat shined chest, I felt her rake her fingers through my hair. When our breathing evened out, I gently pulled out and tied the condom off. Getting up, I felt around for a trash can, finding one by the bedroom door and disposed of it. Walking back and climbing into the bed, I held Lindsey in my arms, feeling her steady breath coming off as calm and serene. She sounded on the verge of sleep.

“We can't sleep here, baby.” I reminded gently. Lindsey sighed.

“Jessicka will understand.” She yawned.

“You sure?” I wondered, feeling my eyebrows knit.

“Positive. Now snuggle with me and fall asleep.” She ordered groggily. I had to admit it sounded pretty damn adorable.

“Alright, alright.” I chuckled, throwing the covers over us.

Lying in an unknown bed, with Lindsey tangled around me in my arms I listened to her soft easy breathing. It was like a familiar lullaby, yet I couldn't remember the words to it. It was settling and unsettling all at the same time. I'd finally had sex with my girlfriend. I was supposed to feel elated wasn't I? I mean I was still basking in the afterglow of orgasming, but it wasn't the same as I had expected. It wasn't what it was like with Frank...and that's what I had hoping for since I hadn't felt that feeling since Frank. It was crushing really. I had been hoping so much for that relief. Lindsey was my girlfriend. I was supposed to feel elated; on cloud fucking nine. Instead I was just disappointed because I didn't feel that way. I almost wanted to cry. I cared so much for Lindsey. I really did. I didn't know what I would do without her honestly. But I just didn't feel...anything particularly special...Love. I didn't feel love.

You can't force a feeling. In the beginning when I hadn't felt that deep love spark, I hoped for it to be like that cheesy John Green quote, that whole 'I fell in love like you fall asleep; slowly then all at once'. I was still waiting for that all at once part and I had hoped it would happen once we'd had sex. Fuck I couldn't even say made love, because I didn't love Lindsey. I was determine to, though. I wanted to love her, and I was always afraid it was going to be the day she told me she loved me, because I didn't know what I'd say back. I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to upset her. I didn't want to lose her and that was unfair of me. Perhaps Lindsey didn't tell me she loved me yet, was because she just didn't love me either. Yet, I had a deep inkling she hadn't said it was because she was waiting for me to say it first. That she knew I still had mixed feelings for her and Frank. I didn't deserve Lindsey. Not one bit. And the most fucked up part of it all, I think was that instead of thinking about Lindsey and how much I should have loved her, was that I couldn't help but only think and wonder about what Frank was doing that Halloween night. I couldn't help but run him over and over in my mind, hoping he was having a good birthday without me.

Notes

This is your pilot speaking informing you to fasten your seatbelts...we'll be hitting some turbulence soon. Like next chapter.
I wanted to update this although I should be sleeping, but schools got me going crazy, so I coughed up sleep for you guys. College really isn't that bad but I just over think along with the fact i'm very type A. School shoves a big stick up my ass. I really love Third Eye Blinds first album. Strangely only their first, but it feeds my soul and keeps me sane during all this.