A Broken Heart Is Blind

Lindsey was such a beautiful and lovely person. Funny and sensitive and charming; that I found out quickly once we started hanging out together. Just as friends though. I kept reminding myself this over and over, as if I was committing terrible a crime by hanging out with her... tacked on along with the fact that I felt something for her; no matter how hard I tried to deflect this bit of information. She made me laugh when I felt like I was about to burst into to tears, she made me calm when I felt like I was about to have a panic attack and that was very endearing. It was hard not to fall for someone when they have that affect on you...But I still loved Frank and I knew that too. Was it possible to be in love with someone and be falling for another at the same time? But I shouldn't still love Frank. I had to get over him. That was the whole point of going to Red. But Lindsey was a hard way to get over him and drugs and random sex was easy. I was never good at doing things the hard way.

In fact even with me spending time with Lindsey I still managed to hangout with Bert. I hung with Lindsey during the day and spent time with Bert at night. I went to Red sometimes to talk with Kat, but most of the time I had Bert sneak into my room. We'd exchange blowjobs or handjobs sometimes even fuck and he'd supply me with the drugs I needed to survive. Coke and narcotics and sometimes alcohol. I convinced myself I wasn't dating Lynz so I could still hookup with Bert even if I did feel like shit afterwords. I had to. Or so I told myself.

But during the day I did feel better than I did at night. Lindsey made me feel good; she made me laugh and smile. I mean Kat and Bert did too, but not like her. She called me almost every day to talk music, she was a bassist in a band called Mindless Self Indulgence, and we talked art, we talked history and life. All the kinds of topics I felt most alive when discussing. She tried to talk me into going to college like Sarah did, but not much since she saw how uncomfortable I got on that topic. Honestly it made me feel guilty. Ray had been so disappointed when I told him I wasn't going. I could still remember the sadness in his voice. It was the first time I think when I didn't hear any kind of smile in his voice. Not even when he told me Christa miscarried for the first time. And speaking of Christa, the only time I'd been with Ray since graduating was when she gave birth to their son Andrew. I went to the hospital with Mom to hold Andrew; so tiny and fragile. I was so hungover too. The only time I was up before ten AM until the day I woke up and got coffee with Sarah and Lindsey. I probably smelt like stale alcohol and piss all while high off narcs too. Just another thing to add onto the list of things that made me feel like shit. I desperately needed to call Ray...

Anyways. Back to Lindsey; she made me feel whole and I was trying to add her more into my life than Bert. Today I was going to hanging out with Lindsey and she said she had a surprise for me, which made me nervous. I was never accustomed with surprises. But she called and picked me up from the house, driving me off towards an unknown destination. Her car smelled nice; like vanilla and coffee and cigarettes. She smoked too like me, which made me more comfortable for some weird reason. I guess I felt like when I was around people who didn't smoke, they were judging me, like Sarah did.

“Want a cigarette?” She wondered over the radio which was playing Sonic Youth's schizophrenia on a low volume.

“Sure.” I murmured. Lindsey gently grabbed my hand and placed the already lit cig in between my fingers. The touch of her soft skin against mine, made me flinch but in a good way. We were silent for a while then, simply listening to the music and taking soft slow drags off our sticks. That's what I liked about Lynz too, she wasn't uncomfortable with silence like most people. In fact we were silent the whole car ride, besides the exchanging of cigarettes, until we arrived to wherever she was taking us. Once the car stopped moving, being put into park, I heard Lindsey unclick her seat belt in which I did the same. The opening of her car door sounded in my ears along with the accompanied slamming of it shut. I copied all her motions. Outside of her car the air was cool with a calming September breeze moving strands of my hair in the wind.

“So where are we?” I wondered, as I heard Lindsey's feet walking passed the car and onto the sidewalk beside me.

“My apartment.” She answered simply, taking my hand in hers and leading us forward.

“Your apartment?” I choked not expecting this at all.

“Yeah. My new apartment I just bought. I'm over dorms so I bought my own place.” She elaborated, guiding me up stairs.

The sound of our shoes clunking against the metal stairs ricocheted in my ear drums. I held tight onto Lindsey's hand, not wanting to trip and hit my head and make a fool of myself. Before too long, however, the stairs ended and we continued walking, taking a few turns until Lynz stopped and dropped my hand. Rusting sounded, as I imagined her rummaging in her purse for her keys. I waited patiently. Clicking and then sharp metal sounds enter the silence, indicating she was putting the key in the lock and turning it around...then the front door hinges swinging open. Lindsey stepped forward and I followed. Entering inside, our footsteps echoed immensely, as if the place was empty. Confused I timidly made small footsteps around the space, too afraid I'd walking into something or trip over an unknown object. I hated being in new places.

“Lindsey?...The place sounds...empty?” I began unsure of myself. Lindsey merely giggled warmly, making me blush.

“That's because it is.” She offered vaguely.

“Why are we in your empty apartment then?...” I trialed off not knowing where this was going.

“That's the surprise!” She chirped excitedly, “We're going to paint the place! I can't do it myself and I need an artistic hand.” She clapped. I swallowed loudly.

“But...I...I wouldn't...” I stuttered, not knowing how to tell her I couldn't help because I would fuck it up. I can't paint her house being blind!

“Gee.” Lindsey began calmly, “Relax. It's not going to be fancy. In fact I think what I have in mind will turn out better since you can't see...I might even close my eyes.” She hummed in thought, making me laugh nervously; I couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not.

“Uhm...If you say so.” I shrugged.

“Well first things first. You have to change. I wouldn't want to be held accountable for ruining that wicked Iron Maiden tee-shirt.” She mused, stepping closer in my direction.

“But I don't have any other clothes.” I shook my head, fretting.

“Gerard. Seriously.” She went on, grabbing my face in her cool palms, making me flinch an inch from not expecting it, “I have a change of clothes for you. I have this all planned.” She reminded her voice sounding fond, as if she were admiring something.

“Right.” I nodded, and Lindsey let go of my face. Scuffling of feet against tile sounded in my ears, as she walked forward, then her hands grabbing plastic, and back towards me all while I just stood there waiting and listening.

“Here.” She began, taking my hand to place a plastic bag inside my palm, “There's your change of clothes, the bathroom is down the hall to your...you know what, I'll just show you.” She went on, taking my free hand and leading me down a hall, taking a left, and opening a door with her own free hand. Letting go of me, she pressed a hand on the small of my back, guiding me forward.

“There you go. I'll just be setting up in the kitchen.” She went on, a smile in her tone. I nodded and reached out closing the door, once I heard her leaving. Fumbling around, I dropped the bag on the floor with a thump to free my fingers up. First I toed off my shoes then began unbuttoning buttons and pulling zippers down until I was just in my boxers; bending down I felt around the floor then for the discarded bag. Brushing my fingertips along the crinkly plastic, I plunged a hand in, taking out jean cloth and a cotton tee-shirt. First I tugged the tee-shirt on, then going for the jeans. Feeling around on them for the waist band, I couldn't help but notice two strands of cloth on either side? What the Hell? Moving the strands aside, I pulled my legs in until they met my hips but I could feel the weight of the straps hanging down, a metal at the end of them scrapping against the floor, along with another weight hanging in my front. What the Hell Lindsey? You do know I'm blind and you're giving me some weird shit to wear? Opening the door, I went the way I remembered Lindsey taking me.

Following sounds of music, The Yardbirds to be exact, along with the sounds of scrapping metals and the pull of the straps behind me, I stood there feeling more than dumb and out of place. Lindsey must have not heard me or had her back to me or something of that nature, because she didn't say anything. I could only hear the rusting of more plastic and metals. Probably paint cans. Clearing my throat softly, just enough to be heard over the music, I then heard her start to chuckle.

“Gerard? You do know you're supposed to clip the straps?” She started, her voice approaching me. I blushed deeply.

“What the fuck is this anyways?” I decided to ask, indignantly, bowing my head and fiddling with the straps and piece of cloth hanging down my front.

“They're overalls, silly.” She giggled, reaching out and grabbing a strap with one hand and the hanging cloth in the front, with another, “Every artist has to paint in overalls if it's going to be done right. At least while painting a house.”

“I must have skipped that lesson in painting.” I mumbled, as Lindsey, clipped a strap to the front and quickly again with the other side. She just giggled again.

“There. You look adorable.” She announced, patting my chest, excitement easily found in her voice. I blushed and shook my head.

“Anyways.” I huffed, not mad though, just really teasing her for putting me in something so ridiculous, “Are you in overalls?”

“Of course!” She yelped, “What kind of artist do you take me for?” I laughed at this, her tone of voice priceless. I could only wish to have seen what her face looked like.

“So are we going to get this started?” I teased, reaching forward and giving a slight push to her shoulder, causing her to laugh too.

“Alright, alright.” She went on, “So I've put a drop cloth down so we don't get paint on the floor...I'm anticipating that this will get messy.” She hinted a smirk in her tone, for some reason this made me blush again. “The paints are in a can on the center of the floor. Paint brushes right next to the can. Don't worry about going all pro on me or anything...but first take your socks off.”

“My socks? Why?” I wondered, tilting my head to the side.

“You don't want to get paint on the now do you?” Lindsey pointed out.

“I guess not.” I shrugged, bending down and pulling my socks off, “...Um where should I put theses?” I asked apprehensively.

“Chuck 'em.” She replied simply. Raising my eyebrows at such an answer, I simply threw the sock that I bundled together as far as I could. Seconds later I heard a thump, across into the next room.

“Excellent.” Lindsey chirped. I could hear her feet moving on the plastic drop cloth, towards the center of the room where she said the paint cans were, so I followed, my own feet making sounds as they stuck to the material, but eventually gave way.

“Stop!” Lindsey yelled out of nowhere as I approached, thrusting a hand on my stomach to stop me from going on. “Whoa.” She chuckled, “That was super close. You almost knocked the can of black paint over.”

“Sorry.” I mumbled, feeling stupid once more with the warm cheeks to prove it.

“Don't be.” She reassured, her voice welcoming and cheery, “No harm, no foul. Plus, I dunno. It might have looked cool...Here.” She went on changing topics quickly. I felt the familiar texture of a paint brushes bristles against the back of my hand. Turning my hand over, I gripped the wooden handle.

“So I have lots of cans actually made up in a circle. Black closes to you, as you've figured out,” She said nudging me playfully, making me blush for the millionth time, “Red in the center, white right to black, then green, blue, pink, purple, and yellow in counter clock-wise...So just pick whichever you'd like and...” Lindsey explained, pausing to bend, her legs popping, then stood back up. Before going on, I felt her arm move back and air whoosh across my face, and only a mere split second later the sound of paint hitting the walls echo in my ears. With eyes wide, I felt my jaw drop. I had not expected that. “...Just do what feels right.” She finally ended with a laugh. Turning my head in her direction, I couldn't help but laugh.

“You're nuts.” I said dreamily.

“All the good artist are.” She pointed out simply. I shrugged.

“True.” I answered, bending down myself and dipping the paint in what I believed to be red if I remembered correctly to what Lynz had explained moments ago. “Red? Right?” I wondered as I stood back up.

“Yup.” She confirmed, continuing her crazy splatting of colors.
Mimicking Lindsey's previous actions, I wound my arm back and hurdled it forward, then followed the sound of splattering on walls. With a giddy laugh I went nuts, just like Lindsey had told me to. Soon we became like a tornado of paints, twisting and curving together, laughing and dancing. The sounds of The Yardbirds competed with the harsh ones, that our paints were making against the concrete walls. Slaps and smacks, thuds and bumps. Our paints were making love to the fabric of the walls, confiding us in to the space that was her apartment. Some of the paint, I could feel ricocheted off onto me; my face, my clothes, my forearms, probably places I didn't even know of or notice.

I felt free for the first time in what felt like a life time. I was laughing. I didn't have the constricting urge to snort a blow or pop a pill or even smoke a cigarette. It was amazing. I felt like my heart was light, floating on a cloud around inside my chest. I didn't feel the need to cry over Frank or even scream at all I had lost. I was in-tuned to the here and now, throwing paint onto walls and laughing with a beautiful woman. In fact I don't even think we really talked much while painting. There wasn't a need for it. We felt each other in the silence of our mouths, we knew our emotions in the absence of words. I almost started crying I felt so alive. But instead I kept laughing at nothing. Laughed at Lindsey's laughter, how melodic and soothing it felt in the air against my skin. The Yardbirds music only feed my mood, their hypnotic instruments and Keith Relf's mystic voice singing along with the paints flying in the room. It was a drug of it's own.
For a split second, however, I will admit I was shocked with fear. Fear that this feeling wouldn't last like all good drugs never do. That I wouldn't feel this way once Lindsey and I stopped painting and the music halted, I wouldn't feel light like this when Lindsey brought me back home to be alone. That I would have to go back to snorting cocaine until I found this serene sensation again. Quickly though, I shoved these thoughts away, refusing to allow my own self to ruin the moment. Snapping back into the moment, I shook my head as if it would ride the morbid thoughts, and began to throw paint again.

The whole paint throwing was actually a real work out and my arms were growing tired after a while. Deciding to take a break, I sat down on the plastic drop cloth, merely listening to Lindsey go wild with a smile on my face. Humming along to The Yardbirds, I couldn't help but feel my teeth break through from my lips in the smile, turning itself into a full blown grin. Not after too long, once I'd stopped I heard Lindsey pausing, panting to catch her breath.

“It's hard work isn't it.” She gasped. I nodded fondly.

“You can say that again.” I chuckled.

“Hey, how about I order a pizza. Give ourselves a break.” She suggested.

“Yeah, that sounds great!” I chirped, making Lindsey give a soft chuckle.

“Okay. Sweet. Any topping preferences?”

“Just cheese is fine with me.”

“That's it? No pepperoni or black olives?” She asked incredulously.

“Okay, okay. Black olives.” I caved, placing my hands up in the air as a form of defeat.

“That's more like it.” She joked, making me giggled. I couldn't remember the last time I'd laughed so much in such a short time...Probably with Frank. In fact. I knew it had been with Frank... Distantly I could hear Lindsey talking over her phone ordering the pizza while my mind couldn't resist the temptation of thinking of Frank. Think of the last time I'd probably, genuinely laughed was when he'd gotten me stoned for my birthday. And that was drug induced. Everything after that was only sex and fighting. It was stupid of me, but I couldn't help still yearn for him...

“Hey, you okay?” Lindsey asked, her voice right next to me, as she must have sat down beside me without realizing it.

“Huh? Oh! Uh, yeah...I'm alright. Just thinking.” I mumbled out, jumping slightly from being torn from my reverie.

“Thinking about what?” She pressed curiously. I sighed.

“Frank.” I admitted apprehensively.

“Hmm.” She hummed back in thought, “You miss him don't you?” Lindsey stated, more than a question, her voice understanding. I wasn't sure whether or not to answer truthfully though. I mean I didn't think it was normal to talk about how much you missed your ex boyfriend to your new crush...

“No.” I lied, “Just...I dunno...cant help but think about him every now and then.” I tried to shrug off, nonchalantly.

“It's okay if you do, Gerard. It's normal. How long has it been anyways since you guys broke
up?” She went on.

“Since April...So like about four months.” I elaborated.

“Well that's not long at all!” She pointed out.

“Yeah it is.” I argued, “Long enough to get over him.”

“Says who?” Lindsey urged, taking my hand in hers for comfort. I smiled sadly down at where I felt our hands to be intertwining. “What made you guys break up anyways? I mean Sarah told me you two had a fight on prom night and that's what did it...but you two seemed so happy when I saw you guys leave earlier that night.”

“That's about it, though. We had a big fight. We said really hurtful things to each other.” I shrugged, then felt Lindsey give my hand a squeeze.

“I'm sorry, Gerard.” Lindsey offered quietly, after a silent moment.

“It's okay. I'm over him.” I lied again, “I just think about him every now and then, y'know?”

“No, I totally get it...But Sarah told me you haven't been handling it very well either...” She started, sounding unsure whether to go on or not.

“Sounds like Sarah's told you a lot.” I bit sourly.

“She's just worried about you, Gee.” She said softly. “...And I am too.”

“You? Why?” I yelped, not expecting her reply.

“I care about you Gerard. We're friends aren't we?” She pointed out. I sighed.

“Yeah...Friends.” I repeated, trying to offer a smile, but probably only grimacing. For a moment, saying this out loud made me feel stupid. That's all we were. Friends. Why would Lindsey ever want to date a kid like me. Blind. Just gotten out of a relationship with a guy. Drug addict. Yeah, so sexy. Plus she was Sarah's friend. She probably only saw me as Sarah's little brother. Frank was the only person to ever be capable of loving me and I blew it.

Before we could press the subject any further anyways, the door bell rang, Lindsey jumping up to answer it. Pizza had arrived and together, Lindsey and I ate on her floor surrounded by paint fumes and The Yardbirds still playing in the background. We moved onto lighter topics of conversation like Lindsey's schooling and my painting. New movies and new bands we've been listening to. Things like that. Then once we'd finished eating and Lindsey put the pizza away we began painting again. It wasn't as carefree as earlier, but was still enjoyable, though I didn't feel as light. I couldn't stop thinking about Frank and Lindsey. How I wanted so desperately to move on from Frank with Lindsey. If I were going to ever move on, I only felt it right to be with her, but she could never feel anything towards me other than friendship. I was being selfish, though. If Lindsey didn't like me I had to respect that. It just would suck. Majorly.
The day passed by quickly, without either of us realizing it. We were so wrapped up in painting and having fun, we didn't notice time passing. Before I knew it, we had finished and Lindsey had told me it was dark outside.

“Holy shit! No it's not!” I exclaimed when she told me this information.

“I swear it is!” She giggled.

“Well fuck.” I laughed.

“We did a kick ass job though.” Lindsey announced, her voice taking a fond tone of voice; dreamy and soft. “Thank you for coming Gerard. Really. I couldn't have done it without you.”

“Aw, thanks. I'm sure you could have though...I only wish I could see the sucker.” I mused.

“Believe me. It's like a rainbow pissed all over my walls.” She hummed. I couldn't help but burst out laughing as how nonchalant she sounded. Lindsey was a weird girl. But that's what drew me to her I guess.

“You're something Lynz.” I shook my head, smiling.

“I'll take that as a compliment. Now go get your stuff and I'll drop you home.” She offered. I nodded and made my way to the bathroom quickly, gathering my clothes off the floor where I had left them and my shoes as well.

“Where are my socks?” I wondered once I come back to the living room.

“Here. I found them while you were in the bathroom. You should wash them though. They stink like fuck.” She teased, nudging my shoulder.

“I'll consider that.” I mumbled with a blush growing on my cheeks. After slipping on my 'stinky' socks and shoes, we left the apartment swiftly.

*****

The car ride was quiet, not even the radio playing to dull the silence and I couldn't stop drumming my fingers along my knee. I could hear Lindsey's soft steady breathing beside me, subtle and gentle. The lack of noise was deafening though. I was positive Lindsey had to feel the uneasy atmosphere, yet she made no implication she did. Anxiety began to creep inside my stomach, feeding cramps and nausea. I was almost afraid I'd throw up in her car. But I had made a decision. I was going to tell Lindsey I liked her before I left the car to my house. I had to do it or the thoughts of whether or not she liked me, would end up eating me alive. If she pushed me away, told me to never talk to her again; I'd have to respect her and live with it. But I had to know. I had to know if I had a chance and that's what drove me forward. The slight chance of a chance that she might like me back. Before I was ready, I could feel the car stop and shift into park. Breathing in deep, I shifted to my left side to face Lindsey. I could hear she shifting as well.

“We're here!” She chirped happily. I nodded shakily.

“Yeah.” I agreed, like an idiot.

“Are you alright, Gee? Have the fumes gotten to you?” She worried, taking in my sweaty nervous state. Reaching forward I felt her press the back of her hand to my forehead.

“You're clammy.” She stated, “Do you feel sick?”

“Uhm. No. I-I'm alright.” I stuttered out a reassurance.

“Okay.” She said slowly, “Well do you want me to walk you to the door?”

“No!” I almost shouted, afraid if she walked me, I'd lose my nerve. “Uh, I mean...No thank you.” I tried to cover up my stupidity, internally cursing my lack of smoothness. “I have something I want to tell you...or ask you.”

“Okay...Well then what is it?” She prompted, her voice patient and kind as always.

I gulped and opened my mouth, but no words came out. Closing and opening over and over a few times, I'm positive I looked like a fish. I tried, I really did to push words through my lungs and out my mouth, but they were getting caught. I was literately chocking on this. Panicking, I just knew Lindsey was looking at me with concern, probably trying to gauge my sanity too. And in my moment of panic, I did one of the craziest and spontaneous things I've ever done in my whole eighteen years. I lunged forward and kissed her!

Crashing my lips onto hers, Lindsey yelped in surprise at first, flailing her arms around. I cupped her face gently in my hands, holding her to me, keeping a constant pressure against our mouths. Not really suave or anything. Gradually though, I could feel Lindsey relax however to my great surprise. Resting her warm hands; one on my cheek, the other in my hair, she began to kiss back. Her lips were soft and tasted slightly like lipstick. She tasted sweet and sexy. It was nice. But I was still freaking out, making the kiss more frantic than romantic, as I had imagined it would be. Quickly, though, I was running out of breath and pulled back with a gasp. Lindsey was panting too, her breath fanning my face.

“I'm sorry.” I mumbled, scrambling back off of her, as I had practically managed myself in her lap. I felt so stupid. That was definitely way more aggressive than I intended. Shaking, I went to grab for the car door handle, my hands desperately fumbling for the grip.

“Hey, hey!” Lindsey, shouted, reaching out and taking my hand, “Gerard. Turn around.” She ordered softly but firmly. I sighed and did as she said, with shameful tears welling in my eyes.

“Hey, Gerard.” She whispered, caressing my cheek. “What's wrong? What was that all about?”

“I-I'm so sorry.” I sniffled, squeezing my eyes shut.

“What for?” She pressed, wanting me to explain myself.

“For throwing myself at you. You don't deserve that kind of behavior...I-I just...” I rambled on, trying to speak without my voice cracking.

“Well why did you?” She wondered, still petting my cheekbone, trying to help me calm down.

“Why did I kiss you?” I mumbled

“Mhmm.” Lindsey hummed back, patiently.

“I like you, but I know you don't like me back, it was stupid, I should have asked you first, but I got nervous and I couldn't talk and breathe so I just kissed you instead. It was all I could think of.” I rushed out not bothering to stop for breath. Lindsey just chuckled gently back.

“How do you know I don't like you?” She teased, “I kissed you back didn't I?”

“Wh-What” I stuttered, staring forward wide-eyed. Again Lindsey giggled, her melodic laugh that made me melt.

“I like you too, Gee.” She replied simply.

“You do?” I pressed in disbelief, “Since when?” Apparently I was a real comedian that night, because Lynz laughed again.

“Honestly, since I first met you. But I knew you had a boyfriend. And when you broke up I wanted to give you space. So I decided to be your friend instead. I didn't want to push you.” Lindsey confessed. I could only stare in disbelief though. I couldn't believe she'd liked me all this time.

“Since you met me?” I repeated in awe.

“Yes.” She answered sheepishly for the first time that night. “You were so handsome in your suit and tie, you were kind to me even though you didn't know me. You're so talented and like the same things as me. You understand me, Gee. You're the most beautiful person I know.” I blushed in response to her unexpected compliments, but grinned wide at the same time. Lunging forwards again that time, though, I engulfed her into a hug. Lindsey laughed weakly, hugging me back.

“You've just made me the happiest I've been in along time.” I announced, once we'd pulled back. Lindsey, was quiet but I felt her tracing her fingertips along my jaw.

“Me too.” She murmured, placing her lips back onto mine gently. Now that's the kiss, I like to count as our first kiss. It was sweeter and less scared, and that's how I'd hoped our relationship would go; not frantic and rushed and fearful.

Notes

So sorry to those who didn't want this to happen, but I've already have like ten chapters of this written and I already know where I'm taking this. It all wraps up together, please just trust me.
And back to college life wasn't as bad as I thought. I just hate technology. Black Board sucks. That's what my school uses for online stuff.
And ways. I need to workout. Gross. I hope you all have a good rest of the week!