A Broken Heart Is Blind

❤❤ ❤ Frank❤❤❤

Leaving New Jersey was harder then I had expected. I began to get more nervous the closer the day came to take that flight to Ohio and start my new life. Leave Hambone. Leave my band. Leave my Dad. And most painfully enough, leave Gerard. Ohio was the whole reason we were over. That and I was an asshole. Incidentally however, I had been talking to Sarah over the phone, since I'd split from the house. She kept me updated on Gerard even though I didn't ask. She knew I wanted her to though and I thanked her silently for that. However, she'd been telling me lately that she was worried about him. That he'd been going out every night to a club called Red. I'd been there before. Easy access to drinks, drugs, and sex. The place was a sleaze ball all in itself. I remembered having a few gigs there and hating it. But anyhow Sarah had told me Gerard wouldn't get home until almost six in the morning and sleep all night. That he was even doing drugs. And like hard drugs too. Narcotics and cocaine that she'd found in his room. It all broke my heart. I cried when she told me and we'd hung up. Cried and cut. But I had to remind myself that I wasn't in charge of Gerard. That he wasn't apart of my life anymore and my in put was invalid. All I could do was offer Sarah advice. I couldn't drive over to the house and shake sense into Gee as much as it hurt my heart. He wasn't mine. Not anymore at least.

Nonetheless I left to Ohio. The dorms weren't bad and my roommate seemed like a good enough guy. His name was James Dewees. He also was there to get a degree in music and the arts. He was funny and easy to get along with, but he seemed like a partier like Hambone and the rest of them. I mean it wasn't a bad thing, I just wasn't into that scene anymore. In fact all I'd been doing since I arrived in Ohio was go to classes and sleep. I wanted to dissolve inside my bed, have it swallow my sorry self up and never spit me out. I absolutely loathed all that I was. When James was out at night at some party or something along those lines, I'd cut and drink myself to sleep. I was a mess without Gerard. I wanted him back but I couldn't have him and he was moving on already. All I dreamed about was holding him in my arms and telling him over and over about how sorry I truly was. But I couldn't; he hated me and I didn't deserve him. I just had to accept that.

Before I left New Jersey, Hambone had tried to hook me up with countless people, but I couldn't. I wasn't in the mood nor was I attracted to any of them. And usually I didn't care about attraction, that is before I met Gerard, but I couldn't bring myself to sleep with someone that wasn't him. Not without love. Gerard had ruined that for me. And I hated him for it. I hate him for making me a better person. I wanted to be the worst person I could be without him, because without him, being good meant nothing. The only reason I wasn't being a terrible person was because I still loved him.

It was August with September creeping up close. Gerard and I had been over with an unbearable amount of time that was roughly four months. Four months ago we couldn't have gone four days. And our year anniversary was coming up, not that that mattered anyways. I'd be spending it with bleeding wrists and a bottle of Whiskey to hold. And Gerard, from what I've heard, a nose full of cocaine. I blames myself for that too. Introducing him to drugs and cigarettes and alcohol. If I had kept him innocent, he'd probably being dealing in a healthier way. Everything was my fault lately.

At night I'd dream of him. Of Gerard. Holding him. Kissing him. Having him in my arms. Then I'd wake up and cry as silently as I could if James was in the room. I deserved it though. Every torture I received I deserved it all. And Mom wasn't any help, either. She had a new boyfriend from the one I'd met last Thanksgiving. This guys name was Al. He seemed like just another prick but the idea of new boyfriends was like a stab in the back. Like a twist of the already there knife in my heart.

Partly why I had wanted to go to Ohio too was to reconnect with Mom, but she ignored me all the same. It didn't matter if I was two thousands miles away or two inches. She hated me altogether. I was just the annoying reminder of hers and my fathers failed marriage. She didn't try to see me, didn't invite me over for dinners like I had envisioned. I was all alone in Ohio when I had everything in New Jersey. These are all the things I reminded myself of when I brought that blade to my torn up wrists. I didn't want pity though. Like I said. I got what I deserved. The only thing I wish I could have changed out of all that had happened, was hurting Gee. The look on his face when I yelled at him that night and said all the things I did. I wanted to kill myself for it. Hedidn't deserve it. He was innocent in all of it; his only fault was dating and trusting a jerk like me.

Tossing and turning in my bed, I ran these morbid, self-loathing thoughts around in my brain. It was Saturday so I didn't have to get out of bed. The weather outside was cloudy and raining. You couldn't see the sun, blocked by a coat of gray clouds. The weather was reflecting my emotions, a diary in the sky that no one could decode. James was out with friends doing God knows what. So I was alone. Per usual. And I didn't even have anything to do. I was doing unnaturally excellent in my classes, due to the fact I had nothing better to do than throw myself into studying. It was the only thing that kept my mind busy. That and playing my guitar and writing sad crappy love songs about Gerard that he'd never hear. So that's what I decided to do. Get up off my bed and write lyrics. Before I could, however my cell phone went off on my nightstand, sending loud vibrations against the wood.

“Hello?” I asked, my voice lower and rougher than I had expected.

“Frank?” Sarah's growing familiar voice sounded in my ears. Sometimes when I talked to people over the phone, I closed my eyes and tried to picture that's what it was like for Gerard to talk to people. Not see their face but only hear their voice.

“Yeah?” I replied. “Isn't it a little early for our weekend conversations?” I droned on bored. I guess I should have been more grateful. Sarah was really the only person I talked to. Which was ironic seeing as she hated me when we first met. But I just didn't feel like talking. You know when just moving your mouth and holding a conversation hurt? That's what it was like for me constantly.

“No. It's like noon. You're the morning person here.” She pointed out.

“Not lately.” I countered glumly. Sarah I could hear, sighed.

“Are you doing okay?” She asked, not beating around the bush I guess.

“Do want the honest answer?” I shrugged even though she couldn't see it.

“Duh.”

“Just peachy.” I bit sarcastically.

“Oh Frank.” She tutted, “I'm sorry.”

“Sorry? There's nothing to be sorry about. I'm the one who fucked up my life. Not you...I don't want to talk about it.” I muttered, feeling a lump grow in my throat.

“Well if you don't talk about it, it only makes things worse. Believe me.” Sarah scolded, her tone defensive.

“Whatever.” I grumbled, pushing the topic away. “...What are you up to?” Sarah sighed again.

“Dylan's taking me to the movies-”

“Oh, yeah your new boyfriend.” I cut in dryly. Seems like everyone's getting a new boyfriend.

“Frank.” Sarah warned.

“Yeah, yeah. Continue.” I waved off.

“Like I said, before I was so rudely interrupted. Dylan's taking me to the movies and then we're going out to dinner tonight. That's what I'm up to. Oh and I've got this killer essay I have to write before Monday morning...” Sarah went on telling me all about her week and her plans for the weekend. That's how our conversations typically went. Sarah would call me somewhere during the weekend, try and get me to talk about how I was doing and dealing. I would deny her information or give one answered replies. Then she'd tell me how her week went at school, with the family, either leaving Gerard out all together or tell me all about how she was worried about him. We'd move on to her plans for the weekend with her boyfriend Dylan and usually end it with her doing me one of three things... Telling me more about how she was concerned for Gerard. Try to get me to talk about myself again. Or tell me to think of something to tell her next weekend. That or all three.

After I'd talked to Sarah for about an hour, perhaps a little longer or shorter. Give or take; I lay back down in my bed, thoughts of writing lyrics long gone. Talking to Sarah helped me, I'll admit. She forced me to have social interaction with human beings. But then again, hearing about Gee broke my heart a little more each time. I knew Sarah didn't mean it, but it was painful to think about how he was hurting himself with such hard drugs. I only wanted him to be happy. But then again I hadn't had that in mind when I was yelling at him, telling him how much of a burden he was to me. It was all heat of the moment kind of thing though. Which wasn't an excuse. But those heat-of-the-moment kind of conversations are always the most damaging. Because you don't mean what you're saying and you're saying the worst possible things you can think of to hurt the other person, but that other person just thinks you're saying what you really mean. I hadn't meant any word I said. I wished I could take it all back. Build a time machine if I could , but I couldn't. This wasn't a Back To The Future movie where Christopher Loyd would pop up and tell me to hop in his time machine car, in order to fix Gerard and I's relationship. Real life wasn't the movies, no matter how much I wished it were. I had to live with what I'd done.

With these thoughts in mind, I wondered if what Gerard had said to me on prom night was just heat of the moment talk. Talk about how he hates me. Although I'm sure that parts true...But about the whole idea why my own father doesn't want to talk to me. Because I'm mean. That all I do is make people feel worthless. How all I was good at was fucking people...It all seemed pretty true to me though. Every fucking word. Gerard could always see right through me. He didn't need eyes for that. He didn't need eyes at all to see the true ugly in people. That's why he was so beautiful.

And there I go again crying. Fuck me. Sniffling past tears, I rolled off my bed, digging under it for a box. Not my box of blades that time, however, as shocking as that was. No. I wanted a different box that meant so much more. The box Gee gave to me for my birthday, full of dead pressed sunflowers, a braille version of Catcher in the Rye, that baseball I hit him in the face with. Even with stinging salty tears in my eyes, I managed to laugh at the bitter sweet memory...Then the homemade bracelet he made me, in alphabet letter on a plastic string, spelling out the words Heroin Slow. His favorite song of my band, Penecy Prep. And finally. The last item I was searching for. The Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness CD Gee made for me, telling me '...Even though you can come to my room anytime you want to listen to it...That way you can always listen to it if I'm not home for some reason and you can think of me', Well I couldn't just come into his room, now, anytime I wanted to. But I still had it to listen to and think of him. This was way worse than cutting.

Wiping my nose with the back of my sleeve, I stood up and crossed the room to pop the CD into my CD player. Pressing the PLAY button, instantly the soft melody of Mellon Collie's intro filled my ears. The sweet notes droned along, sending a sick serenity into my veins. More tears formed and fell. Crossing back over to my bed, I threw myself back down. Curling into a ball, I whispered the lyrics under my breath. The nostalgic Smashing Pumpkins music brought back so many beautiful yet painful memories. Holding Gee. Telling him how much I loved him. Him telling me how much he loved me. Starring into those hazel eyes that filled the galaxy of green falling stars and brown flex of planets light years away. Looking into those eyes was like being home. Being in space, orbiting around Gerard. Space I heard was cold, but I was warm with Gerard. It was funny in a deranged way, now to think that I was cold. Cold miles and miles away from my own little galaxy. Away form my own little home inside space.

*****

I woke up my nose itching and raw. I had snorted way too much lines of coke the night before and my nostrils were paying for it. Groaning, I didn't realize at first I wasn't alone when I woke up. Someone was yelling at me...

“...Can't believe you! You need help! Are you even listening to me?!” Sarah bellowed at my right side. My brain pounded against my skull.

“Huh?” I moaned in pain, rolling over onto my back.

“Oh God!” Sarah groaned in the back of her throat, coming out as some sort of growl. “That's it! Get up!” She demanded, slamming her hands on my shoulder and yanking me up.

“Fucking Hell, Sarah. Chill!” I shouted, pushing back against her hands.

“No! I won't 'chill'!” Sarah seethed, “I've had it with you! You are not going to keep doing this to yourself. I won't let you! This isn't you, Gerard!”

“Oh my, God, Sarah. Leave me alone. I'm eighteen, I can do whatever I Goddamn want.” I shouted back, laying back down and throwing the covers over my head. Immediately I felt the covers being torn out of my grasp and off my entire body.

“Just because you're eighteen doesn't mean you aren't wrong!” Sarah countered “You're ruining everything, Gerard Arthur Way! You're throwing your life away over one breakup!”

“Shut the fuck up!” I demanded, sitting myself up and shouting at the direction of her voice. How dare she bring up Frank and I's breakup. Everyone on the planet knew it was a sore subject and I hated her right then for bringing it up. I don't care if she was trying to get a reaction out of me. Well I'd fucking give her one then, “You have no fucking idea what you're talking about! You have your perfect fucking boyfriend in your perfect fucking life with friends and college and a future! I have none of that! NONE OF IT! So don't you dare try and minimize the one good thing I had, that was taken away from me! Don't you fucking dare Sarah!” I went on spit flying from my mouth, panting with rage once I'd finished. Sarah was stunned to silence for a second but recovered quickly.

“Then do something about it!” She yelled

“I AM!” I hollered, furrowing my eyebrows and clenching my teeth

“Getting high and addicted to drugs, sleeping all day long, and going out all night isn't doing something about it. It's making it worse. You're just making it that much harder to move on from-”

“Don't you fucking dare, say his name. Don't you Goddamn fucking dare say it!” I warned my tone hard as steel and venomous as poison.

“Fine! Fine Gerard. We'll tip toe around the subject if that makes you feel better!” Sarah screeched sounding frustrated

“Get the FUCK OUT!” I roared, “If you're going to be a bitch LEAVE!” I demanded, pointing my finger towards, where I knew the door was.

“Gerard...” Sarah sighed, her voice chocking up. I sighed too feeling defeated suddenly. God, I really needed a fucking line or a percocet or fucking something. Anything. We were silent a moment. I knew she was still there from the absence of moving footsteps and her soft ragged breathing from yelling and raw emotion. “...I'm scared for you.” She finally finished, sitting herself on the bed beside me. I stiffened still mad with her.

“I love you, Gee.” She said, hesitantly brushing her fingertips across my cheekbones. I flinched as a natural reaction. “I can't stand seeing you so...broken like this. It's isn't healthy or safe. You could hurt yourself. I only want you to be happy.”

“I am.” I grumbled stubbornly.

“No you're not.” Sarah laughed dryly, empty of humor. “You're a mess. You can't lie to me.”

“Well so what if I'm not.” I shrugged away from her touch, “No one is. I'm just dealing with it the way I know how.”

“But it's not safe. And I won't allow you to not be safe.” Sarah challenged, her tone firm and unwavering. I groaned.

“I'm fine.” I insisted, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Gerard. Why are you being so difficult? I only care because I love you.” She repeated, sounding desperate.

“If you love me, you'll let me be.” I offered pointedly.

“Love doesn't work that way Gee.” Sarah argued, “If I didn't love you, I would leave you alone letting you throw your life away. But that's not how it is. I do love you. I care. I want you to go and be happy, I want you to feel good about yourself and not resort to a drug to do that, I want you to go to college-”

“Ugh. College.” I scuffed as if the word itself could create cancer.

“Yes, college. Why aren't you going anymore? You were so excited before.” She tried gently.

“Because college has no point for me. I'm going to be stuck blind forever unable to work. Stuck living with Mom and rotting until I die.” I pointed out morbidly.

“That's not true and you know it.” Sarah warned with stern determination to prove me wrong.

“It it though.” I shook my head getting angry again. “I can't make myself useful without my eyes! All I can do it be treated like a baby. Just the way you've all have been doing my whole life. It's my own stupid fault for thinking otherwise. I should have just let you all be.”

“Don't talk that way!” Sarah shouted. Grabbing my face into her hands, her sweet breath washing over me, “You aren't worthless. You never were. You can do so many great things. Yes you need help. Everyone needs help. Being human means needing help...Gerard I love you and I'm not letting you try and do this all on your own.” She promised. I sighed feeling my eyes sting with unwelcomed tears. Stupid tears.

“I'm so tired, Sarah.” Was all I could think of to say, slumping into her arms. Sarah held me a moment, rubbing my back and letting me cry.

“I know, baby. I know.” She cooed in my ear, stroking my hair back. “But I'm here for you.”

“I don't deserve it.” I sniffled, my voice sour.

“Yes you do, Gee. Everyone deserves someone to be there for them. No matter what.” She insisted. I squeezed my eyes shut feeling awful. I hated myself right then for all I'd done. The drugs. The alcohol. The random sex. The self-loathing. The self pity. I hated every fiber of my beaning. But I was afraid, though, too. Afraid to stop it all. I didn't think I could, because if I did, what would I have then? Empty space of living in a hollow shell that was my defective body. No school. No Ray. No love. No Frank. Just myself. This all made me cry harder. I was stuck and didn't know what to do. Stop the drugs and sex and face my reality? Even if I wanted to, I didn't think I could stop the drugs. After months of abuse I knew I'd already formed a habit...

Sarah held me awhile before I kindly told her I wanted to be alone. Once she was gone, I went into the bathroom and took a few tablets of percocets. Just to calm myself down. Then I smoked a cigarette or two before falling back asleep. I didn't wake up again until like seven at night. Sighing heavily I decided not to go out. But that didn't mean I didn't medicate myself on coke and narcotics inside my room. I spent the night high, listening to the Pixies and painting. If I wasn't around people, talking and fucking, I'd need some kind of distraction from my thoughts of the future and the inevitable Frank. I got a few calls from Bert however, probably asking where the Hell I was and if I was alright, but I didn't bother to pick up. I knew if I did, he'd somehow convince me to leave. And I was trying. For Sarah. Sarah and maybe Mom but that's it. And I'd be damned if I let Sarah down. Of all people that would be the worst.

Finally around probably five in the morning I fell asleep and didn't wake up again until the next morning. I slept for a good twenty-four hours. Feeling groggy and disoriented, I stumbled out of bed and padded my way out of my bedroom and into the upstairs loft. I could sense someone else in the room feeling the skin on my arms raise and prickle, while hearing there faint breathing.

“Um? Sarah?” I called out, stopping in my tracks. I wasn't close enough to smell her perfume.

“Uhm...No, it's Lindsey.” Lindsey's melodic voice chimed out, low and shy. I hadn't heard from her since prom night...

“Oh...Oh, sorry.” I muttered, stepping forward, “...Where's Sarah?”

“She's downstairs getting coffee.” She offered, sounding polite and welcoming. I nodded, finding an arm chair to sit in that was across from her voice.

“What time is it?” I wondered aloud.

“Nine.” Lindsey replied happily.

“Oh...Shit. I've been asleep for like twenty-nine hours.” I mumbled to myself, shaking my head.

“Rough night then?...Well technically yesterday night.” She chuckled, making me chuckle too.

“Actually one of the calmest nights I've had in months. I just painted and listened to the Pixies all night.” I explained, twiddling my thumbs together.

“You paint?” Lindsey yelped excitedly, making me grin.

“Yeah I do. Why? Do you?” I inquired, tilting my head to the side.

“I do, in fact! I'm studying for a degree in Fine Art and Illustration. I want to be an artist, maybe open my own gallery one day...” Lindsey said, her voice going all dreamy and melodic. It was actually super adorable.

“That's really cool.” I offered not quit sure what to say.

“Thanks.” She chirped back, “...Sarah told me you like to paint...” She offered as a token to start deeper into conversation.

“Yeah, I do...but I dunno how good it is.” I shrugged

“I'm sure it's great.” She said confidently, with a smile in her voice, “She always is saying how great it is...If you don't mind me asking...How do you exactly paint? I mean just out of curiosity, I don't mean to be offensive or anything!” She rambled on, but I gave her a light laugh, hoping to ease her worry with a soft smile.

“No, no. It's cool. I uhm...I dunno exactly know. I just kind of get a feeling and an idea in my head if that make sense...then I paint. I have the colors in a specific order that way I know which color I'm using.” I explained as best I could.

“Oh, no, that makes lots of sense. That's incredible.” She went on in awe, making me blush.

“What kind of art do you do?” I wondered, trying to diverge the topic off of me.

“I actually do art with paper. That or I usually paint with gouache...it gives off a really intense pigment which is cool...bu yeah.” Lindsey announced proudly, rambling a bit but not shyly which I found admirable. Usually people, when speaking of their art, were shy and timid. But not Lindsey; she was proud and sure but not in a cocky way either. Just proud of her herself.

“Paper?” I repeated not sure what she meant.

“Yeah, paper.” She giggled, “Like I make pictures with paper...like three dimensional...sort of.”

“Hmm. That sounds interesting.” I mused thoughtfully, trying to picture what she was saying as best to my abilities.

“What sounds interesting?” Sarah's voice sounded out, making me jump, not expecting her voice to be approaching behind Lindsey and I.

“Oh I was just telling Gerard about my art work.” Lindsey offered simply.

“I see. It is very interesting for any consolation.” Sarah chuckled causing Lindsey to chuckle back. I just smiled at their melodic laughter.

“So what are you doing Gee? You're up at a regular time I see.” Sarah pointed out after their laughing died down. I shrugged, feeling out of sorts all of a sudden. I had forgotten about not partying and sleeping late until Sarah mentioned it. Lindsey had distracted me from my inner monologue to dwell and wonder. Then I just felt uncomfortable and stupid. Like I couldn't remember what was normal for me without Frank or bars.

“Well I'm glad to see you up.” Sarah said gently when I didn't reply, realizing she had sort of called me out. “Lindsey and I were actually going to go get coffee if you wanna come.”

“I thought you just went to get coffee downstairs?” I wondered

“C'mon Gerard. You of all people should know I'm going to need more than one cup of coffee.” Sarah teased, making me blush.

“Well don't want to intrude-” I tried to protest.

“No, you're not intruding!” Lindsey cut me off, “It'll be fun!” She insisted. I squirmed in my seat, not knowing what to say.

“Yeah, she's right.” Sarah backed her up, “You should come. Get out of the house.” I sighed, rubbing my hands down my sweatpants.

“Yeah, okay. Just let me get ready.” I caved, getting up from my seat.

“We'll be waiting. Don't be too long.” Sarah warned, or in other words, warning me not to do anything foolish. I nodded, making my way into my room. First things first, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and take a few percocets. I didn't want to chance doing lines, in case Sarah checked up one me. Percocets were probably best, anyhow to calm me down enough to go out. Then I threw on jeans and a tee-shirt, combed my hair back by threading my fingers into the growing long locks, and lastly chucked on my converse.

All three of us walked downstairs then, and outside to Sarah's car. The ride was quite, or at least on my part. I sat in back with Sarah and Lindsey chatting upfront about school projects and things like that, that didn't particularly interest me. Usually, I read in books, that people like to look out windows on car rides and observe the scenery. Considering I couldn't do that, I like to sing songs in my head, because Sarah didn't put the radio on. So when we arrived to Starbucks I didn't realize we were already there, lost deep in the chorus of Legit Tattoo Gun by The Front Bottoms.

“Hey, Gee! Earth to Gee.” Sarah cooed out, already beside me, having opened the car door without me noticing.

“Oh...Sorry. I was lost in thought.” I waved off, turning to my side, feeling for the buckle and un-clicking it. Sarah didn't reply, but took my hand and helped me out of the car and onto my feet with Lindsey at our side. Walking inside the cafe the aroma of coffee beans smacked me in the face and made my mouth water. I hadn't been to Starbucks in awhile when I thought of it. There was a soft chattering of customers, probably hunched over their paper cups of caffeine and steaming pastries. Perhaps talking to the people across form them that they were there with or someone over the phone that couldn't be with them for some reason. Or even reading a book silently in the corner needing to get away from the word. Or a student on their computer doing homework because their family was too loud and distracting. A million different scenarios filtered through my head as Sarah, Lindsey, and I walked up the counter. A million different people in the world and I'd never know just why each and everyone of them were doing and for what purpose...

“...Mocha latte...What do you want Gerard?” Sarah asked, after she'd spewed her order to the coffee barista.

“Huh?” I jumped at her tapping my shoulder.

“What do you want to drink?” Sarah repeated, sounding exasperated that time, “Jeez, you need to focus, Gee.” Maybe I shouldn't have taken that percocet before we came...but God, had I needed it.

“Uhm, I'll have an iced white mocha.” I mumbled, “Venti.” After ordering, we all sat down at a table in a corner, from what I imagined as it was quieter than where we had stood previously.
Lindsey and Sarah started talking again, picking up their conversation from the one in the car, while I just sat there listening. I didn't mind. That was one thing I remember being used to from even before dating Frank. Just sitting there and listening to others conversation and life worries imagining they were my own. I found myself admiring Lindsey's voice the more they talked. The way it was deeper than most girls but yet more feminine if that made any sense. It was gentle and made me want to smile at what ever she was saying. And her laugh. God, it was infectious. I didn't know half the time, what Sarah and her were laughing at, but I still found myself laughing just as genuinely. Before too long, however, the barista called our drinks out at the counter. Lindsey offered to get them and walked away for a moment.

“So.” Sarah started once she was gone.

“So what?” I asked back, arching an eyebrow.

“You and Lindsey seem like you're getting along...”

“Oh, God! Please, Sarah don't be like Mom. Especially right now. I'm not looking to date.” I scuffed defensively.

“I'm only pointing out the obvious. And I never said you have to date her. I just think you guys would make good friends. That's all.” Sarah suggested.

“I have friends.” I muttered stubbornly

“Yeah friends.” She bit, “Some friends that get you high.”

“Yeah they are my friends.” I defended, “They make me laugh, they make me happy.”

“Well I think you should make friends that you don't only hangout in a bar with and act stupid with.” She countered. I glowered back at her.

“Kat is a good friend. She looks out for me.” I pointed out. I'd already told her all about Kat and Bert. Sue me. Sarah's the only one I can tell about my life.

“You still only see her at Red. Look all I'm saying is you should make more friends out of Red, that way you don't have to rely on that club to be happy.” She explained calmly. I sighed.

“Fine. I'll try and be friends with Lindsey.” I budged, emphasizing the friends part.

“That's all I ask.” She smiled; I could tell by her smug tone of voice. Conveniently that was when I heard Lindsey's footstep approach back towards us.

“Here you guys go.” She chimed in, handing me my cup of coffee and then Sarah's hers. Sitting down beside me, Lindsey then tried to pull me into conversation talking about our art again.

“I'd like to see it sometimes...that is if you don't mind. I know I can be weird about people judging my art.” She mentioned kindly. I smiled gratefully that she understood this.

“I don't mind. I'd be happy to show my stuff to you.” I agreed which seemed to make her immensely happy, which made me oddly happy too. For the first time since Frank, I'd seemed to find someone that I wanted to make happy because I enjoyed it too. Honestly it scared me. I was scared that Sarah was right and that Lindsey and I might actually be good for each other. I knew it was too soon to tell, I mean we'd only started properly talking that day, but at the same time I was familiar with this feeling. The giddy happiness of merely being around someone and wanting to hear them talk even if it was about nothing. I could ignore it all I wanted too, but some where deep down I knew it'd be useless.

“How about I give you my number and you can call me...or Sarah could and you could give me yours...that way we could figure out a time to hangout and exchange art.” Lindsey suggested sounding nervous in which I couldn't help but giggle.

“Yeah that sounds great.” I agreed, just as happy as she sounded, not realizing then what it was that I was agreeing to and what it would bring into my life.

Notes

Ta-da. I updated because I feel shitty tonight, and I don't really know why. Plus school is giving me anxiety dreams. And today when I got coffee for my Dad this chick told me to have my tea with an extra side of diabetes. Well, sorry but my pancreas beat you to it. Cause you know pancreases create diabetes not sugar. It just really ticked me off. I hate ignorance to stuff like that. It's 2015 not 1955. Anyways if you want to follow me on twitter and read more exciting rants like that here you go, Grace's lame twitter