A Broken Heart Is Blind

“Hey, Gerard! What'll it be tonight?” Kat asked me, her smoky voice filling my ears, passed the loud chatter. Kat was the one true friend I had made since I started going to club Red. And I had been going to Red since the night of graduation. She had sort of taken me under her wing, looking out for me as I got high as a kite off coke and narcotics. Kat was the bartender, giving me free drinks all while fending off unwanted perverts. She was a bad ass, but she was a sweetheart too.

“Uhm, I dunno. Make it strong.” I answered, keeping my ears open for my next possible hookup. I'd been fucking someone new every single night since graduation night. At first I had Matt take me, but when he realized what I was doing; getting high and fucking random people he refused. So I took a cab alone now.

“Starting strong tonight, eh? Rough day?” Kat laughed, the sound of her moving around the bar, filling and clinking glasses sounding in my ears.

“It's always a rough day for me, K.” I sighed, trying to sound like I was joking, “Why beat around the bush. I just want to get drunk as fast as possible.”

“Gerard.” Kat warned, in her mother tone, she often took when I talked like this.

“What?” I shrugged, “S'true.” Kat didn't reply but exhaled heavily. Her warm breath wafting over my cool face. “Here. Double shot of tequila. You're usual strong.” She went on. I could hear her place the tiny shot glass in front of me with a soft thump.

“Thanks.” I mumbled, taking the glass into my hand and throwing it back. The burn of the strong alcohol was much needed. The cool place about Red was that even if you were underage for drinking; if you had the money they gave you the alcohol. Like some sort of unspoken rule. That's why I started coming. Kat gave me free drinks too, which made it even better. That way I could pay for my drugs. That or blow or screw someone for them. Anyhow... I found a way one way or another.

“So.” I started, my voice rough from the drink, “See any possible takers for me tonight?”

“Hmmm.” Kat hummed thoughtfully, “You always have takers, Gee...but there's a hottie at nine o'clock if you're interested. Dark hair, blue eye, beard. And defiantly older than eighteen.” She described for me. This was our usual spiel. Kat would let me know if I was getting any 'eyes' from people, I'd approach them or they'd approach me and after a few drinks we'd go fuck in the bathrooms.

“Oh and Bert's floating around here somewhere. I just gave him a bourbon on the rocks about fifteen minutes ago.” She informed. I nodded.

“Alright, thanks Kat.” I offered.

Bert was another friend I'd made although I don't know if you could really call it a friendship. More like friends with benefits...or fucking friends for drugs. I met Bert the first night of going to Red actually. He had a scratchy voice that was nice to listen to. He had a crude sense of humor, and a slight beard. He'd found me crying on the bathroom floor after I'd fucked my first person after Frank. That's when I started doing coke; he offered it to me to cheer my up. We took a few lines together and fucked. I thought that was going to be the end of it, but he talked to me again the next night. Only we didn't screw, we just talked. But we did snort more coke. Bert gave me his number and told me to call him and for some crazy reason I did. I told him straight up though I didn't want a relationship. Bert just laughed, though telling me he didn't want one either. We decided to keep it casual. We'd fuck if we felt like it and he supplied my drugs in exchange for blow jobs and gifts like that. Sometime, though. When Bert was feeling generous he'd give 'em to me for free...Really I think that's what sent Matt over the edge in not taking me to Red anymore. He didn't like Bert at all. Whatever.

Really Bert was a cool guy. He had a hot voice, he was funny, and I was comfortable around him. He took care of me like Kat did too. One time a guy wouldn't leave me alone, and I kept telling him repeatedly that I didn't want to have sex with him. Then he went on to tell me that he saw me here every night hooking up with people, so why wasn't he 'good enough'. I had standards, I told him and that made him mad. He fucking punched me. Bert saw and ripped the guy right off of me, taking him out back and doing whatever he did with him. I honestly didn't want to know. All in all; I trusted Bert.

“Hey! Gerard!” Kat shouted, snapping her fingers in front of me.

“What?!” I jumped

“I've been saying you're name for like five minutes.” She pointed out

“Oh...I guess I just spaced out.” I explained in a quick mumbled.

“Mhm.” Kat grunted.

“How about a refill?” I asked

“Sure. But I'm giving you a break after this. You have to wait at least a half hour until your next. Remember getting drunk too fast, you'll make yourself sick.” She chastised, as I heard her refill the little glass with liquid. See, I told you she was protective.

“Yeah, yeah.” I waved off, throwing back the shot glass for a second time. “I'm going to look for Bert.” I informed her, getting up and waving bye in the direction of her voice.

“Okay... Remember! Half hour!” She shouted back as I walked away. I just shook my head, moving in the direction towards the bathrooms. That's where I could usually depend on finding Bert. That's where he sold and stuff.

Feeling the tequila, it was just enough to sooth my nerves; that's usually how I got the courage to fuck random people. Honestly though the first night I came to Red with Matt, I was a shaking mess.

Flashback

My legs were wobbling while I climbed out of Matt's car. I knew the task I had planned for myself to finish by the end of the night, but I was so nervous and scared I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to go through with it. I wasn't in the right head space. I was being irrational and impulsive. One side of me was screaming about how stupid I was being. While the other side of me was screaming, telling me to just get it over with. I had to get over Frank. And the only way to officially do that was to be with someone else. Even if it were for only the night. Plus I had to get ride of this nagging ache in my chest. It was the dull throb of my heart, refusing to stop pumping. I had to stop this ache and the only way to do this, I figured was to feel nothing at all. And the only way I knew how to do this was drugs. Narcotics, weed, anything.

My plan was to get hammered drunk, or high as a kite and fuck the first person willing. Of course Matt didn't know this. He'd take me home before I could enter the doors. Fortunately, we did make it into the door. We made it to the bar too. And that's where I first met Kat.

“What'll it be boys?” Her smoky low voice asked, once we'd sat down at the bar stools. I blushed, feeling unbearably anxious.

“I'll just take a coke.” Matt hollered over the noise of clinking glasses and chattering.

“I'll, uh, I'll take vodka. Straight.” I answered, trying to stop my voice from shaking. They both were quiet, making me think I had said something wrong.

“...Uh. Okay. A coke and a vodka straight.” Kat, who I only knew to be as the bartender with the smoky voice at the time. After I could hear her move away to get our drinks, Matt nudged my shoulder.

“What the fuck, Gee? Vodka.” He whisper-shouted. I scowled and shrugged.

“I can drink if I want.” I demanded stubbornly.

“Alright. Here you are, boys.” Kat's voice came back into our space, cutting off Matt's reply and set the drinks in front of us with a thump.

“Thanks!” I brightened up, ignoring Matt and taking a big swig of my vodka. I'll admit it burned and I had to force myself not to choke. Thankfully I was wearing my sunglasses again so no one could see my eyes water and sting. Matt grunted in his own thanks.

“So what's up with the sunglasses, Casanova?” Kat asked, her voice friendly, “You really like that song by Corey Heart?” She teased. I smirked and shook my head.

“Naw. I'm blind.” I informed, seeing no reason to hold back from the truth.

“Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I was teasing.” She fluttered

“No, no. It's fine.” I reassured, “You had no way of knowing...but they do make me look cool don't they?” I chuckled, trying to ease her guilt. Thankfully she laughed, lightly.

“They do. Very mysterious.” She played along. “So what're you two doing out tonight? Graduation?” She wondered.

“No. I mean, yeah I did graduate, but I didn't go to the ceremony.” I confessed.

“How come?” Kat pressed, sounding curious.

“I didn't see the point. I had a tutor and did stuff online.” I shrugged ,taking another chug from my drink.

“Well that's sad. You should at least do something special.” Kat muttered

“I am. That's why I'm here.” I lied. Of course I fucking wasn't there to celebrate. I'd just broken up with the love of my life. And with graduating high school and being blind I had no future ahead of me. I'd grow old with Mom and she'd die if I didn't first. Then I'd be either shoved off to Sarah or Matt. Really graduation had ruined everything for me. Then Frank and I never would have started fighting over him moving to Ohio and we'd still be together and I wouldn't be at some stupid club to fuck a random person to get over him and stop feeling all this pain. I had no fucking reason to celebrate. But instead of explaining all this, I smiled and Kat didn't notice.

“Well, drinks are on the house then.” She offered a smile in her voice, “My gift to you, kid.”

“Oh, Gerard.” I said, thrusting out a hand.

“Nice to meet you Gerard. I'm Kat.” She replied, taking my hand into her soft one and shook. She had long fingers like me with long finger nails. But they didn't feel real and they barely brushed my skin. More like those fake acrylics people were getting nowadays.

“You too Kat.” I smiled as wide as I could. I almost forgot I was nervous being around Kat. She was just so friendly and warm.

“Well, I'm gonna move around.” Matt said; he'd been unnaturally quite the whole time, “You seem to be doing fine without me. Call if you can't find me.”

“Oh. Okay, Matt.” I answered, turning around in my seat to his voice. Matt didn't say anything else, but patted my back and left.

“Friend of yours?” Kat asked, once he'd gone.

“Brother.” I corrected.

“Ohhh. I guess I can see it” She went on nonchalantly. “Same face structure. Same nose.”

“Yeah. I guess.” I shrugged.

“So...if you don't mind me asking...how long have you been blind or were you born blind?” Kat asked, her voice curious. She seemed like the kind of person that was simply curious. Not judgmental or trying to make me feel better or any bullshit like that.

“I was seven.” I hummed, sipping my drink.

Kat and I went on like that learning more about each other. I found out that this was just a gig she was working until she could save up to open a tattoo parlor one day. She said she'd give me a free tattoo if I stuck around. I laughed telling her I was afraid of needles. She laughed back and said that was too bad. She told me she had lots of tattoos and described them to me since she couldn't show me.

She lots but the one's that stuck out in my mind, were the stars she told me she has around her eyes, because her favorite song by Montley Crue is Starry Eyes. Also she loves Beethoven and has a portrait of him on her thigh and his initials on her pointer finger. She has a portrait of her dad's high school picture on her left forearm and her mother on her back, and also a portrait of her sister Karoline on her right forearm. And she says the one people remember the most is her Hollywood tattoo below her belly button, above her hips. Her first tattoo she got was when she was fourteen, on her ankle. It was the letter J in Old English. She told me it was of her first love. His name was J. She joked with me and told me it meant just kidding now. I think it was all very fascinating. But they only reminded me of Frank. Everything did.

I almost thought about telling Kat about Frank, but I decided not to. That seemed like too much. We'd just met each other. I figured if I saw her again I'd tell her. And when I did, I kept that promise. Kat was empathetic and kind about the situation, offering me all the advice she could. In the end she told me, 'First loves don't necessarily mean, your best love.' I didn't believe that though. Frank was always going to be my best and true love. People just didn't understand that. The only people who can understand the love between two people, are those two people themselves. Anyone else are just spectators. When Kat told me this though, I just nodded politely. She was only trying to help. But this all happened about the third of fourth time I hung out with K at Red. My first time, we chatted about interests and tattoos and family.

Somewhere in the night, I was starting to feel more than tipsy from all the Vodka. While me and Kat where laughing about something I don't remember, a girl came up to me, asking me for a dance. Swallowing hard, I agreed. This could be it, I thought. She smelt nice and had soft hands too. Kat giggled and told me to go ahead. I promised her I'd be back tomorrow night. Then this girl dragged me to the dance floor. She was all over me; she was drunk too just like me. Wrapping her arms around my neck she started grinding on my leg. I felt a wave of heat enter my body. I don't know if something inside me snapped; like I was finally doing what I had come here to do or if it was just the alcohol giving me the confidence. I think it was a bit of the two, but nonetheless I gripped her thin waist and stared grinding right back. It was exhilarating for a moment I'll admit. The feeling of two bodies letting go, being against one another, hot and sweaty. You could feel the lust building between us. Somewhere in our erotic dancing, she groped the back of my neck and connected our mouths. Using all teeth and tongue, we went at each other like wild animals starved for attention.

Before too long, I felt her grab my hand and link our fingers together. I couldn't see where we were going, but I had a pretty good idea. Both of us giggling like maniacs, we'd pausing every now and then to exchange drunken kisses. A lot of my memories from the night are hazy, jumping from one to the next. The alcohol was blurring my brain and making my skin warm and tingly.

It wasn't too long before I felt this girl reach for a door and herd her open it. Walking in, I could hear our footsteps echo on tile and it was incredibly cold. Either we were in a meat locker or we were in the bathroom. I was 90% positive we were in a bathroom. Then I heard a toilet flush. Okay. I was 100% positive.

“C'mon.” She tugged at my arm, snapping me out of a haze. Stumbling together into a stall, she locked it behind us with a click. Then our lips reconnected in a frenzy. Everything was moving so fast, and no amount of alcohol could slow it down. Clothes were being ripped off, hands were roaming everywhere, and our labored breathing created a cloud of thick lust between us. And that's all it was. Pure lust. No love. I don't even remember her fucking name for Christ sake.

I do remember being nervous, though, when I felt her tug my boxers down and wrap her mouth around me. I had never in my whole life done anything like this other than with Frank. God, stupid Frank! Get out of my head! And that was why, I reminded myself, I had to do this. To exterminate Frank from my mind. My strain of everyday thoughts. I had to numb myself. That night I destroyed my Frank Virginity. Gently I pulled at the girls soft, but messy hair, telling her to stop. That I didn't want to cum yet. She laughed and stood up, pulling a condom from somewhere. I could hear the similar wrapper crinkle about.

“It's cherry flavored.” She whispered in my ear, her breath strong with some fruity alcoholic drink. I nodded, not knowing what to say. Again I felt her squat down, rolling the condom onto me and giving it a quick lick for taste.

“Mm. Definitely cherry.” She giggled as she stood back up, the sound coming out languidly. We were so fucking drunk. I found myself laughing too, tugging her waist closer to me and sucking on her skin that smelt like cheap perfume. She moaned, tilting her head back. Taking this as a good sign, I roamed my hand down, feeling her body. I'd never even been with a woman before. I was almost too afraid I'd fuck it up. Determined on drunken confidence, though, I kept feeling her up. I'd never felt a vagina before. Her's was soft with a slight prickle of pubic hair. Stroking her, as she moaned words of enthusiasm, I dug a finger into her warm hole. She gasped and dug her finger nails into my back telling me not to stop. So I didn't until I'd gotten to three fingers. Pulling out, she wrapped a leg around my waist, and I slammed her back onto the bathroom stall wall. Spitting into my hand I rubbed myself down once, for coating. Then without another thought, I plunged right into her.

The whole exchange was quick and fast and rough. She was very loud and complimentary. I wondered if I really was that good, or if she was really that drunk. Probably the latter. It was a nice confidence boost however. Before I knew it, I could sense her cumming, screaming extra loud and burring her face into my neck. I went a couple more thrust then cam into the condom. Pulling out, we stood there slumped against the stall wall, panting for breath. A few minutes passed, and we were coming down. We quickly dressed again, not really talking. I do know she gave me a peck before leaving. I remember that. I felt awkward. I remember that too. Do I say thanks? Take care? You were a nice fuck? But I didn't say anything. She merely gave me a peck on the cheek, patted me on the shoulder and said, 'Thanks for that', and left, closing the door behind her.

Once she was gone that was it. I had done what I came for. Yet I felt nothing. But not the good kind of nothing I had hoped for. It was the all consuming kind that makes you wish for death. Squatting down in the bathroom floor, which was most likely dirty, I started to cry. Because it's all I could do. I covered my face with my hands and wept. Loud too. I didn't care who heard me. I just fucked someone loudly minutes before. I really had no more shame to offer. I wept so strongly I thought I was going to explode. Realization hit me hard then. I just had screwed someone other than Frank. He wasn't all mine anymore. And I wasn't all his. It tore me apart like meat in a shredder. With shaking shoulders and gasping air, I heard the bathroom door open timidly. Jerking my head, up I froze.

“Dude are you okay?” I heard a low gruffly voice ask. If I hadn't of been in the head space I was right then, I would have thought it was hot. All I could do was shake my head and lower it feeling more tears streak down my cheeks.

“Well...I just heard you fucking someone like five minutes ago. It can't be that bad?” He tried to tease, but it only made me cry harder.

“Okay, shit I'm sorry.” This guy fluttered, stepping closer to me. I could feel his hesitance in not knowing what to do.

“S'not y-your f-fuh-fault.” I stuttered, wiping the back of my hand over my nose. He made a noise in the back of his throat, like a thoughtful hum and crouched down beside me.

“No. But I hate seeing people cry. Especially good looking people.” He started pulling a weak laugh from me. “So why don't you calm yourself down, breath and let it out and I'll make sure you have some fun. Like real fun.” He offered. I nodded trying to return a smile in favor.

“Yeah okay...I'm Gerard.” I said, my voice hoarse from crying.

“Bert.” He started warmly. I thrusted out a hand not knowing if he had already done so. He took it firmly with a shake.

“So your blind?” He pointed out matter of factually. I tensed for a moment not knowing what to do or say.

“Uh y-yeah? H-how'd you know?” I stammered, dumbfounded. Bert chuckled lightly.

“I already put out my hand.” He giggled, nudging my shoulder. I stared at him blankly but started laughing too. His laugh was cute.

“You feeling any better now?” Bert asked, kindly after our giggle's died down. I nodded.

“Yeah. I am.” I smiled. I heard Bert get to his feet, grab my hand and help me up as well. “So what kind of fun are we going to do?” I wondered. Bert chuckled darkly, pulling me to a counter space. “Have you ever done cocaine?” He started.

“Uh, no.” I replied honestly.

“Do you want to try it?” He asked. I could hear him moving things around on the counter. I leaned a hand on the edge to hold my shaky self up.

“Yeah, sure.” I answered as nonchalant as I could manage. Bert chuckled seeing past my facade.

“It's cool to be nervous if you are. But don't worry. It'll just give you like an energy boost. That's why I'm giving you an upper not a downer.” Bert tried explaining this to me but I really had no idea what he was talking about. The only drug I'd ever done was weed...twice, once getting high.

“Uh...What's an upper and downer?” I wondered hesitantly.

“Have you ever even done drugs before?” Bert asked, though he didn't sound condescending or anything like that; just genuinely curious.

“Well pot a few times.” I admitted.

“Okay, so weed is a downer. That and like narcotics, alcohol, depressants, and opiates. They relax you and your muscles. Uppers are cocaine, Ecstasy, Amphetamines which is like speed, even caffeine and nicotine. They effect the pleasure system in your brain. They give you energy and make you feel good...but then again what drug doesn't?” Bert explained, obviously knowing his stuff, ending his spiel in a chuckle. I nodded politely absorbing the information.

“So you're sure you wanna do this? You don't have to.” He reassured.

“No, no. I do.” I insisted. This is what I had wanted along with screwing someone. It would be like the fucking cherry on top.

“Alright then. Let's fucking do it.” Bert went on, the sound of him rubbing his hands together and then clapping them sounded in my ears.

Bert went first. I could hear the sound of his inhaling deeply and sniffling his nose after. Then he handed me a rolled dollar bill, telling me I'd inhale the powder through it. Warning me, Bert told me the cocaine was in lines, starting from left to right. I nodded; Bert guided me gently towards the cocaine, having my nose line up. When he said go, he told me all I had to do was inhale and go right. I did as instructed, inhaling deep and feeling the powder infiltrate my nostrils like burning coal instead of cocaine. I felt like a dragon breathing back in, its own fire. Dropping the bill, I tilted my head back, rubbing my nose. Instantly I was already feeling it. My brain felt as if it were buzzing, vibrating in my skull and my blood had turned into electricity coursing through my veins. We did this together until we both were soaring. I couldn't stop smiling as if all my problems had melted into the fire of my coke rush. I forgot all about Frank and the girl I'd fucked. And if I did for a moment; I didn't care.

Together, Bert and I left the bathroom. He grabbed my wrist and lead us to some couch where we talked all night, laughing over stupid shit. I even told him about Frank because I felt I could talk about him when I was high as a motherfucking kite. Bert was empathetic though, listening quietly and giving advice here and there. I found myself being comfortable pouring my soul out to Bert, even if we'd just met. Perhaps it was the coke, but I think it was really because Bert has this comforting aroma about him. You feel safe and not judged. It was a nice change of pace.

Throughout the night, Bert and I'd sneak back into the bathroom when we felt our high wearing off. Some where in all the drugs and conversations, Bert and I ended up making out on the couch, which we took to the bathroom and we fucked. Twice in one night for me. I felt a little better knowing I at least knew his name though. Also while fucking Bert, I had insisted on topping. It was one rule I had made that night. My one loop hole. Frank would be the only one allowed inside of me, even if that never happened again...Matt found me back on the couch alone. Bert told me he had to go, 'business calls', he said. I didn't know what that meant, but knowing him now it meant he had someone wanting to either buy or sell him something. He told me he'd see me around...Matt was pissed finding me in my high state. The coke was wearing off, but it was evident I'd done some drug. We got in a fight. I told him I was eighteen and I could do what I wanted. Matt told me I was just being an idiot. In the end we just decided to drop it. When we got home I crashed sleeping for seventeen hours. Mom and Sarah were concerned but I brushed it off. And I somehow managed to convince Matt to take me out again, thus beginning my whirl-win of sex and drugs.

Coming back to reality, I felt the freezing temperature of the bathroom hit my face once I'd entered. Bert had to be close; I knew it. I could practically feel his deep voice fill my ears, smell that distinguishable scent of cigarettes and strong alcohol.

“Bert?” I called out, my voice echoing in the close to empty area. Nothing. There was no audible sound. About to turn around and walk out, I heard a rough sniffled inhalation coming from the fourth bathroom stall. Bert's stall, because it was the farthest from the door and the largest. Bingo. Striding forward, I reached out and pushed the door open, not even bothering to knock.

“Bert?” I said again, stepping in.

“Heeey! Gee baby.” He slurred, obviously high off his ass. I could tell his voice was coming from the ground, meaning he was sitting on the floor already. “Join me. I just got some good shit. Top of the line.” He giggled. I rolled my eyes, but squatted down beside him.

“Hey Bertie.” I smirked leaning forward and pecking his stubbled cheek. He smelt strongly of bourbon and cigarettes.

“You ready to have some fun tonight?” Bert cheered, a pitch to his tone.

“Fuck yeah. Especially tonight.” I muttered.

“Why?” He pressed. I sighed. I didn't want to talk about it, but truth was Frank was leaving the next morning for Ohio. I mean it's not like I'd seen him since we'd broken up, but still. Now he'd be out of the state and out of my reach. Who knows when I'd be around him next. But I didn't want to think about that. I wanted to forget.

“Doesn't matter.” I waved off sternly, “So you wanna get high or fuck first? I went on with a forced smirk.

“Let's get high first. It makes the fucking better.” Bert laughed, handing me the oh so familiar rolled dollar bill.

Notes

Here you go friends. I have like up to nine chapters of this written, but I will admit updates with this story probably will be slower since I'm going back to school on the 20th. Back to college *gasps and groans* after a year off. Yuck. Hope you like lovelys.