A Broken Heart Is Blind

The rest of the night, I lay with Gerard until I eventually fell asleep. I didn't leave once. I think Sarah must have told Susan something to get her not to come into mine or Gerard's room. Thank, God. I woke up in the early morning as bright morning light filtered in through my bedroom window, facing the east. Gerard clung close to my body, our legs tangled together with his arm over my chest, both my arms wrapped protectively over his small frame. He was so much thinner than I remembered, which made me think of what Sarah had told me of his drug use. I only hoped he had stopped since we were back together... Gee breathed in deeply making me think he was about to wake up, but he only snuggled his face against my chest ruffling the fabric of my shirt with his cute nose. The sight was perfect and holy, like he was some angle that fell from heaven and into my bed. Smiling softly, I gently moved a few stray stands of long dark hair from his angelic face.

Enjoying the serene moment for a little, I slowly began to feel just how sore my face was from fighting Dylan. God, I almost forgotten all about that with Gerard distracting me with how lovely he was to wake up to. My heart clenched as the memories hit me in the face...almost literately. Dylan fucking diminishing mine and Gee's relationship, making fun of Gerard's blindness, and then teasing him about how Lindsey was a better fit for him then me. And that was when I couldn't take it. I lost it like I always do, in the end only hurting Gerard. Him breaking down and having to give him his medication so he wouldn't get to the point of hurting himself. Sarah warning to keep my cool from now on or else. Shit. Sighing loudly, I pecked the top of his head tenderly as to not wake him up and maneuvered myself out of bed without disturbing Gerard.
I made my way to the bathroom to examine my face. I looked worse than I felt honestly. My left eye was swollen and black, my lower jaw had a nick of blooming green and blue underneath the prickles of facial hair, while my lower lip had split and swollen so much I decided it best to take out my lip ring. I hoped Dylan looked worse. I hoped he felt shitter than I did. I hoped he had two black eyes and couldn't talk from how hard I had hit his jaw. I already know I broke his nose and the thought made me smirk. Not dwelling too long on my appearance however, I left and went downstairs to get myself and Gerard coffee. Wondering around the house in my underwear and a tee-shirt, I tried my best to sweep my bed hair as much as I could over my face, but it was fruitless. My hair was too short now to do anything. Sighing heavily, I walked into the kitchen to find, to my luck Dad sitting at the breakfast table, drinking coffee and reading the paper. Fucking shit. As if my luck wasn't horrible as it was. Lowering my head down, I watched my feet make their way to the counter to grab two coffee cups.

“Hey, Frankie.” Dad greeted, his voice slightly muffled by the morning paper. I prayed he wasn't looking up.

“Hey.” I mumbled, taking two ceramic cups from over the cupboard and moving towards the coffee pot.

“How's Gerard? Sarah said he wasn't feeling well last night.” He wondered, his voice business like. It made me want to punch his stupid face. Pouring coffee into the first cup, I shrugged.

“He's okay. Just...got a bit upset?” I offered more like a question like an idiot, moving to the next cup. I didn't want to alert him or Susan.

“Upset? Upset how?” Dad pressed. I winced slightly, clenching my teeth together as if I'd dropped a glass.

“Fuck.” I whispered under my breath, too quiet for him to hear, “Just...upset. Nothing to make a big deal out of.” I insisted, raising my voice loud enough for him to make out but not too loud to make him get mad.

“Gerard never just gets upset.” Dad scoffed. I white-knuckled my fingers around the handle on the now coffee filled coffee cups.

“What's that supposed to mean?” I demanded, not turning around yet. Glancing out of my peripheral vision I could make out Dad looking up from his paper. Dammit. Why couldn't I have just come in and gotten the coffee and left?

“Hey, Frank.”

“Hey, Dad.”

“How's Gerard feeling? Sarah said he wasn't feeling well last night?”

“Oh he's fine. Just a stomach ache.”

“Oh okay. Well glad he's feeling well now.”

“Yeah. Thanks. Well bye.”

“Bye.” Why couldn't it have been that simple?!

“Well, don't get mad!” Dad defended, “But it's true. When Gerard gets upset, he gets upset!”

“Fine. Whatever.” I scoffed, just wanting to leave and return to Gee before he woke up.

“Hold on a minute!” Dad ordered making me tense. “Turn around and look at me. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. But you know it. And it's something you have to acknowledge if you're going to date him!” Clenching my jaw, I turned my head, but still kept it down to address him feeling heat and livid anger radiate through me.

“I've dated him before haven't I? I know how to handle him and it's not a big deal! Yeah he gets upset but so does everyone else!” I growled trying my best to keep my voice as well as my cool down.

“And how well did that work out before? You know how I feel about you dating him. He's a good boy but I don't like you dating him. Yes. Everyone does get upset, but not like him, and you know that!” Dad yelled, obviously not caring about everyone else still sleeping in the house. Slamming the cups down onto the counter with a thud and a splash of hot coffee, I placing my hands firmly on the counter, feeling my shoulder and back muscles rippled with tension.

“Well I don't care what you think. I'm with Gerard and I don't care if he gets upset the way you think he gets upset. He loves me and I love him.” I said, my voice low and trembling with anger.

“Franklin, look at me when I am talking to you! You two broke up in the first place for a reason! I'm telling you I don't like you dating him because you two are both way too invested in each other at such young of an age. And you both have enough issues to fill half a relationship let alone a whole relationship!” Dad went on, not dropping it! God I hated him so much, words couldn't describe it.

“You don't know shit, Dad. I'm not breaking up with him because you tell me to and it's funny if you think that. Love doesn't mean you get to pick and choose what flaws you want the other to have. Gerard accepts mine and I accept his!” I roared, half way facing him.

“I'm just warning you Frank! Look at me!” Dad yelled

“I don't need to be warned. My minds made up!”

“I said look at me!” Dad screamed, getting to his feet.

“No!” I shouted back stubbornly.

“LOOK AT ME!” He bellowed, stepping towards me and grabbing my shoulder to spin me around. I cringed internally, but I never faltered in my eye contact with him; his brown eyes on fire with anger looked stealthily into my own livid hazel ones that could kill with that look if they had the power to. At first we only starred at each other, both panting with rage but after a second his eyes dropped, taking in my appearance and gasped. Letting go of my shoulders he stepped back with horror clearly written all over his face. I sighed.

“Dad-” I tried but he cut me off, shock over come with more rage.

“He was upset was he now?” Dad seethed, his voice low and deadly. In that moment I swore my blood ran cold, afraid of what he was thinking.

“What? No! Dad it wasn't like that!” I pleaded, trying to explain but didn't have the time as I was already chasing him out of the kitchen.

“Don't try and defend him! I've heard that before!” He shouted over his shoulder, running up the stairs as I tried to catch up. This was all escalating way too quickly over nothing. I knew what he was thinking by then. He was thinking about his old girlfriend Lisa who used to beat me and he never knew about it either, until I finally told him after a few years. I had tried to deny it after I confessed to him, afraid at how angry he had gotten. I told him it wasn't like that, I told him I was making a big deal about it, I tried to defend Lisa.

“Dad! It's not like that! I promise! It wasn't!” I begged, my words not registering within his brain, as it was too polluted with anger. They were practically evaporating into thin air. Dad stomped all the way up the stairs and into my bedroom. I followed panting with worry and fear. I had no idea what he was going to do and I couldn't say anything to make him listen or stop! My cries to make him stop made no difference and I felt myself freeze in fear at the threshold of my bedroom door, as it flung wide open in Dad's rage, once I saw him charge in. Gerard had woken up, to my luck, and was leaving the bathroom just as Dad waltzed up to him, grabbing him by the shoulders and slamming him against the wall. I gasped, feeling tears well in my eyes at seeing Gerard's own eyes widen in horror and shock, not expecting the assault one bit.

“Did you touch my son?!” Dad roared right into his face, his breath blowing hair away from Gerard's face.

“Wh-?” Gerard chocked, trembling under Dad's tight grip. All I could do was stare like a worthless horrible boyfriend who couldn't keep his mouth shut.

“I said! Did you touch my son? Did you hit Frank? DID YOU?” Dad bellowed, his voice rising in a rage.

“N-no!” Gerard trembled, his lip quivering and tears building at his water line.

“Then why does his face look like he went into a boxing match with Muhammad fucking Ali! Huh? He said you got upset! Did you touch him? I swear to God!” Dad went on, squeezing his fingers around Gerard's arms so much that flesh was over pouring out of the creases of his fingertips. The skin was going white with pressure, it was sure to leave a mark.

“I-I-I” Gerard sputtered like a deer caught in headlights.

“I won't stand for this! You can't just hurt Frank like that and get away with it!” Dad spit into Gee's poor shocked face, shaking with fear and pain. Dad just kept getting closer and closer into his face, their noses could have touched.

“N-No!” Gee whimpered

“DON'T LIE TO ME!” Dad shouted, his face already fifty shades of purple and red mixed together like a bad blood clot.

“STOP! THAT'S ENOUGH!” I weakly defended before Gerard could try and reply, finally finding my senses, and charged towards Dad, desperately trying to pry his hands off my Gee. Dad fought against me though, only tightening his hold on Gee, but I didn't give up until I got Dad to let go, him flying towards me and flinging me off of him as I fell to my ass from the force. We all froze in shock, all our mouths hung open and gaping like fish. I recovered the quickest though and sprung to my feet. Pushing Dad clear away from Gerard, I splayed my arms over Gerard, my back to him as a protective barrier between my father.

“YOU'RE ACTING FUCKING CRAZY!” I cried, my voice loud, but quivering causing it to lose all it's menace. “Gerard didn't do anything! It was Dylan who I got into a fight with, you bastard!” I shook, my whole body trembling. Dad starred at me horrified.

“No...You said-”

“I said Gerard was upset last night! I never fucking said he hit me! I tried to tell you that but you wouldn't listen! You just blew up!” I went off.

“Well why did you get into a fight with Dylan anyways? Sarah's boyfriend? What were you doing getting into fights Franklin!” Dad tried to defend.

“I''m not having this conversation!” I insisted, already feeling Gerard begin to loose it, his form trembling behind me. “Leave! Just leave!” I demanded. And for once Dad listened. He puffed his cheeks out like he was swallowing back his retort and stormed out, slamming the door behind himself, the hinges shaking in their own fear of cracking. Once he was gone, his anger footsteps thumping their way downstairs, I spun around on my heels to see Gerard's face streaked with salty tears, his eyes bloodshot and his thin frame quivering on the spot, desperately trying to hold himself upright.

“Oh. Gee.” I breathed, engulfing him into my arms. He let go the moment he knew I wouldn't let him fall, collapsing into my chest, his body heaving and panting with sobs. “Shh.” I tried to sooth, petting his hair down on his head affectionately.

“I-I-I w-would nev-er hurt y-y-you!” He wailed, clenching his fist into my shirt.

“I know. I know.” I whispered, starting to guide me towards my bed. Gently I lowered him down and crawled right beside him. I gathering him back inside my arms and rocked him gently.

“I-I know I g-get uh-upset!” He coughed then swallowed hard, pausing to gasp for air, “B-but I w-would n-never!” He ended with a shout.

I figured it was best just to let him get it out, the shock obviously getting to him. Fuck. I was so livid with my father. Just when Sarah and I got Gee to calm down last night, here he was again, about to have an emotional breakdown. After about fifteen minutes of sobbing though, I figured I should better try and do something before it got worse.

“Gee, honey, listen.” I began tenderly, lifting his face up off my chest with my thumb and forefinger to face me. Even if he couldn't see my face, I always thought it was the gestures more than anything that made a difference. Gerard sniffled, trying to keep the tears in, his lip quivering, “I love you. I love you, I love you! I know you wouldn't hurt me. Never! Never ever. Fuck you could barely hurt a fly. My Dad is stupid. He's a piece of shit. He only got made because of that cunt Lisa he used to date who hit me. He's overprotective with stuff like that. That's the only reason. It has nothing to do with you. You hear me?” I stated firmly, not once did my voice waver. Gerard gulped but nodded. Slowly I lowered his head back down on my chest, were he nestled sadly. Letting out a shaky sigh, Gerard closed his eyes that were already puffy and red. Caressing his cheek lovingly, I sighed as well and pecked the top of his head.

“Do you want your medication?” I wondered, my voice barely above a whisper. Honestly I was afraid of making a wrong move or saying the wrong thing. He shook his head against me.

“No.” He murmured, his voice hoarse from crying. “I'm okay. I just want to lie down with you for a while if that's okay.”

“Of course it's okay, baby.” I reassured, stroking the sides of his arms that were already sporting fingerprinted-bruises.

Clamping my eyes shut, I forced my tears not to fall. I honestly really fucking hated my father right then. I wouldn't have batted an eye if he dropped dead. I wished he was dead. I wanted him dead for even laying a fucking finger on Gerard and I hated myself that I couldn't have stopped it. But crying wouldn't help either of us, so we just lay there for a long time. In silence I noted Gerard's breathing finally even out and realized he'd fallen back asleep, thankfully. After a few hours though, there was a timid knock on the door. Not wanting to wake up Gee, I just ignored it, hoping it wasn't Dad. Luckily though, as the bedroom door gently creaked open, it was Sarah's head that popped out. Making eye contact, I nodded once letting her know she could come in. Tip-toeing towards the bed, she carefully sat beside Gerard and I on the bed.

“What the fuck happened?” She whispered, not beating around the bush. I exhaled heavily through my nose and rolled my eyes.

“My Dad.” I grumbled, the sound rumbling in my throat and chest.

“And? I heard shouting? Don't tell me you upset Gerard again...” She began to warn, but I cut her off in annoyance, not in the mood one bit.

“No, Sarah. I wasn't fucking me who upset Gee. Like I said. It was my fucking father.” I spit, but still kept my voice down, instinctively wrapping my arms tighter around Gerard's waist but gentle enough not to disturb him nor his bruises. Sarah jolted back a bit from my response with a gasp but recovered quickly.

“Okay. Sorry.” She muttered sheepishly, “...Then what happened?” She pressed after an awkward moment. I shrugged.

“My Dad saw my face and thought Gee did it. He stormed up here and got into his face yelling at him and squeezing his arms.” I explained, lifting Gerard's shirt sleeve timidly, exposing the finger printed bruises. Sarah gasped in horror, her blue eyes widening as her hand cupped over her mouth.

“Oh my God!” She gaped. I nodded solemnly with a silent agreement.

“I know. I tried and tried to get him to listen but he was too upset.” I filled in, “He's overprotective of me ever since his old girlfriend used to beat me. He never noticed until I told him and now he doesn't trust me or anyone who hurts me.” I shrugged too tired for emotion.

“You never told me that.” Sarah breathed in shock. Again I shrugged.

“It was never a big deal until now.” I muttered monotonously.

“Does Gee know?”

“Yeah. I told him awhile back.”

Sarah nodded and was quite then.

“Not to like...offend you...but I kinda want to murder your Dad right now.” She confessed hollowly. I made a 'pft' sort of noise.

“Go ahead and save me the trouble.” I said.

“What's Mom gonna say? She's gonna flip shit when she hears. Davids over protection towards you is nothing compared to Mom's over protection towards Gerard. Hell, she'll be the one doing the murdering.”

“Good.” I bit, “He deserves it. But I have no idea. If they break up, call off the wedding, what ever it may be, I don't give a fuck. I'm still going to be here.” I vowed.

“Damn.” Was all Sarah could say.

“Damn.” I repeated. Again we were silent for a few minutes before one of us could think of what else to say.

“Hey...Frank?” Sarah murmured, looking down into her lap.

“Hm?” I hummed in recognition that I was listening.

“Could I...like lay down with you guys?” She wondered shyly, her cheeks rosining up. It struck me at first, but then I understood. Fuck. Sarah had just broken up with her boyfriend and probably felt like shit all while trying to be there for Gee and I.

“Fuck, of course Sarah.” I agreed wholeheartedly. Sarah chuckled sadly, but crawled over me and Gerard and curled up on the opposite side of me that Gee was placed. Opening my free arm, I held her close and felt slow tears soak my shirt after a while. Squeezing her back for comfort, it was then that she let out a little whimper.

“It's going to be okay, Sarah.” I tried. She sniffled and nodded.

“I know. It just sucks.” She agreed, her voice all watery.

“Yeah... it really does.”

*****

The rest of the day all three of us; Gerard, Sarah, and I spent in my bed. Matt came in somewhere during the day and hung out with us, since it seemed to be where we were all congregating; my bed room. I didn't mind though, it was nice. Matt went and got us coffee and pizza around lunch, because he was the most stable at the moment and with the most energy. We just ate and drank while watching Quentin Tarantino movies all day long, like Kill Bill volume one and two, Pulp Fiction, and Reservoir Dogs. The day was nice being snuggled with Gerard by my side. At night, though Matt left to go hangout with Penelope; his girlfriend. And once Susan got home a shit storm started downstairs between her and my father. Brutal is the only word to describe it. Sarah, Gerard, and I could hear everything, all simultaneously cringing in fear when we heard their voices begin to ascend in volume.

“You did what?” Susan could be heard shouting

“I know. I'm sorry!” Dad pleaded. More shouting and fighting and even things being thrown could be made out.

“How dare you touch my son!”

“I'm sorry, but if it was the other way around you would have done the same thing to Frank!”

“Bullshit. I never would have gotten into Franks face and cornered him like a Goddamn sheep to a lion.”

“I know. I know, Susan and I feel horrible but you can't tell me you wouldn't have blow up! I lost my head, I get it but you have to understand where I'm coming from!”

“Coming from where?! Acting like a bully to my son who did nothing! Who probably had no idea you where even there until you grabbed him! He must have been terrified...No I don't see where you're coming from, David. I don't. If you thought he'd hurt Frank, you should have just talked it out with Frank or at the worst, asked Gerard like a human being!”

“I know. I fucking do! But I'm saying you have to understand that I panicked...with everything
that Frank's gone through and when I saw his face...He fucking told me Gerard was upset last night-”

“And what? That means it was Gerard's doing?! Gerard wouldn't hurt a fucking fly! How dare you even assume that!”

“You know how Gerard gets! Who am I to know for sure that he didn't snap and hit Frank! You see how toxic their relationship is, Susan. You can't deny that either!”

“No I can. Because I don't. Yes they have problems but so does everyone else.” Susan fought stubbornly, and I silently cheered her on for defending us. Gerard whimpered and coward closer beside me. I held him tight and vowed to never let go. Sarah was silent, her eyes wide while they focused on something I couldn't tell, just listening in horror.

“Bullshit. You see what they do to each other! All they do is fight and hurt each other.”

“What does this have to do with anything? With you hurting and bullying my son?”

“It has to do with the fact that I didn't know whether or not Gerard fucking hit Frank!!! It could have been happening behind my back and I'd be damned if I was going to let that slid!”

“SO WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST FUCKING ASK THEM!”

“BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE JUST LIED!”

“SO SCARRING THE ANSWER OUT OF GERARD IS THE WAY TO FIND OUT?!?”

“I SAID I WAS SORRY OKAY? WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!”

Silence. Heavy breathing on our part upstairs, but silence too. And more silence downstairs. Just silence and it was deafening. Who knew silence could be so loud once you gave it your full attention? I could feel tears soak into my shirt, coming from Gerard's closed eyes.

“I don't know. I don't know how I can forgive you about this. Sorry isn't enough and I can't let it happen again.”

“It wont! God, I swear it wont.” Dad begged and for like a thousandth of a split second I almost felt bad for him. Almost.

“How do I know that for sure. You let it happen the first time.” Susan replied her voice chocked up and raw.

“So what do you want? Huh? To just throw away our relationship of almost two years over our boys relationship?” Dad fought, anger finding its way back inside his voice. Anger was always his default mode.

“THIS ISN'T OVER OUR BOYS FUCKING RELATIONSHIP!” Susan screamed, frustration strong and unforgiving, “THIS IS ABOUT YOU CONTROLING YOUR TEMPER! STOP USING FRANK AND GERARD AS YOUR GODDAMN SCAPEGOAT!”

“Fucking fine then. I'm done. I can't go back and change what's happened, and if my remorse isn't enough for you, then fine. I'm done. We're done. Just throw away our fucking wedding. Cancel the invitations that were sent months ago. Cancel everything!” Dad shouted, his voice surprisingly monotone. I could only make out sobs and footsteps then. Someone left and slammed the front door behind themselves. Then someone else went into Dads and Susan's bedroom and closed the door quietly. It wasn't hard to tell who was who.

*****

Much later that night, Sarah went back to her own room to sleep. Gerard cried himself to sleep in my arms as I tried to reassure him he did nothing wrong. He was convinced, of course, though that he had. That if only he could control his emotions and not get so upset none of this would have happened. It was ridiculous. If anyone was to blame it was me for loosing me temper at Dylan and getting in a fight. But it didn't even matter who's fault it was. What's done was done and there was no going back. I starred up in the dark at the ceiling in my bedroom for along time. It was probably around two in the morning when I heard the front door open. Dad was home. The door slammed shut behind him, and that was my first indication that something wasn't right, but I tried to just convince myself I was being paranoid after today's events.

Heavy sort of sluggish but angry footsteps thudded their way upstairs in sync with the tempo of my heartbeat, increasing my rising anxiety. Holding my breath, I held Gerard closer to me protectively; deeply inhaling his sent to calm me. He stirred only mumbling something incoherently. Then the footsteps stopped and I squeezed Gee tighter. Without warning the bedroom door swung open and I jumped roughly in bed, jolting Gerard awake. Dad flipped the lights on, burning my eyes and causing me to groan. Gerard mumbled, asking what was going in, lifting his head up like newborn blind kitten searching for it's mother. Glancing at my Dad, I squinted my eyes trying to adjust them to the light.

“What the fuck, Dad? We're trying to sleep. It's like fucking two AM.” I whined. Dad said nothing in reply but squared his jaw and stepped over the threshold and made his way over to the bed. Only then did I notice a piece of paper, clutched in his knuckles that were beginning to whiten. I swallowed loudly, wrapping Gee against me. He'd quieted down, but his eyes we wide with fear and searching. Once Dad had made it to the side of the bed where I lay, he thrust the paper out for me. Snatching the paper, my eyes quickly scanned over it's contents. Slowly my eyebrows loosened while my heart sank inside my stomach. It was the medical bill from when Sarah took me to the ER. I had completely forgotten all about it with everything that had happened lately. Getting back with Gerard, Christmas, fighting with Dylan; it all had wiped my concern away from the situation. But now with the bill screaming in my face and Dad stewing angrily beside me, I had no idea what the fuck to say. Grasping for straws, my brain rattled around within my skull, trying to find an explication, yet came up empty. Gerard whimpered at my side, snapping me back to reality.

“Figured I'd check the mail on my way home. Can't say I was expecting this, but can't also say I'm surprised.” Dad sneered. Flickering my eyes onto him, I growled, my eyebrows pulling together in anger.

“What is it?” Gerard whispered shakily. I stiffened, trying to rub his back for comfort but my hand shook roughly.

“Yeah, Frank what is it?” Dad sneered condescendingly. I grunted, lifting my eyes onto his taunt tight face again. Brown eyes burning, I almost cowered back if I hadn't of been so protective of Gee.

“You know what it is.” I grumbled, throwing the paper back at him. His eyes crackled, nostrils flaring at my reaction, the bill drifting in the air to his feet. No one moved to grab it.

“I wanna to hear you say it.” He demanded.

“Go to bed, Dad. You're drunk.” I scoffed, suddenly not in the mood at all to deal with him. I was tired and drained.

“Shut up, Frank. You're in no situation to tell me what to do.” He jabbed

“What? Okay! It's a medical bill. There! Fucking leave now.” I shouted, fed up, throwing both my hands up in the air, exasperated.

“For what!” Dad shouted back, inching closer to being in my face.

“For stitches! Stitches for almost cutting myself to death! Is that what you want to hear, Dad? There! You fucking got it!” I exploded, matching him and getting right in his face; eye to eye. Gerard was no longer in my arms, as I had sat up to stare down my father, and I heard him whimper again, that time more desperately. Forgetting my Dad, I turned to gather him back in my arms.

“It's okay, Gee. He's not going to hurt you.” I whispered into his ear, my back to my Dad. Gerard clutched onto my arms, nuzzling his head in my neck, tears leaking on my shirt. He must have been so scared, he had no idea what was going on, being woken up in the middle of the night like this.

“What's going on?” A tired disgruntled voice came from the doorway. All three of us whipped our heads around to see Susan standing in the threshold, eyes bleary and exhausted but worried. Her hair was in a messy bun, loose hairs sticking up every were. She even still was wearing the same outfit from the day before, jeans and blouse now wrinkled. “Why are you all shouting?” Dad huffed, but bent down to grab the discarded paper off the floor and crossed the room to Susan.

“Read it.” Was all he offered, voice gruff and annoyed. Susan's weary green eyes scanned the paper quickly, her shaped eyebrows knitting.

“I don't understand...” She murmured, lifting her eyes up onto Dad.

“Frankie, here hasn't been honest with us. See the date on the bill? It's the day he came back for Winter Break.” He explained.

“But...stitches? On his left wrist?...Frank? Wh-what....I don't...” She fumbled, clearly still confused, and it didn't help that it was two in the morning.

“Yeah, Frank. Care to elaborate?” He taunted. I clenched my jaw.

“I wasn't trying to kill myself if that's what you're wondering. Although I don't see why you care. I'm surprise you're not disappointed.” I seethed.

“Don't be stupid Frank. Get over yourself. Of course I would care.” Dad insisted, trying to act like he didn't care about my remark, by the way he shifted uncomfortably. I rolled my eyes.

“Whatever.” I scoffed.

“It's the truth.” He fought, more insistent that time; I knew it was true. He just didn't want to let on that he cared and it made me want to scream. Before I could blow up again, though, Susan cut in.

“But I thought you....I didn't think that you did...that...anymore.” She wondered, afraid to say 'cut' as if it would trigger me. I had to try so hard not to roll my eyes. I know she was concerned but I hated when people did shit like that. I shrugged.

“When Gerard and I broke up...old habits.” I explained lamely, shrugging again. Gee whined, as if he were in pain, his face still buried in my shirt. I cooed softly, petting his hair back.

“Shh. It's okay, honey. It's past.” I reassured, my voice just loud enough for him to hear.

“See? Fucking see, Susan? This is exactly that I'm talking about.” Dad demanded, while I was trying to keep Gerard calm. Susan didn't say anything back which made me worry she was begging to reconsider her view point on our relationship.

“You don't get it!” I interrupted before this went too far, “I was cutting. Yeah, okay. But the only reason it blew up was because when I was doing it Sarah walked in and it startled me. It made me jerk back and I cut too deep on reflex. I wasn't trying to die for Christ sake.”

“But you were still cutting...Hell I bet you still are.” Dad pointed out. I froze and swallowed hard, not hiding my discomfort well.

“You are, aren't you?” He said more as a statement. I narrowed my eyes, but blushed at the same time, weakening my defense.

“No.” I mumbled defiantly.

“Bullshit. Let me see your wrist.” He ordered, stepping closer towards me. I tightened my hold on Gee, and shook my head fiercely

“No. Fuck that.”

“I'm not asking. I'm telling.” Dad fought, holding his hand out. I shifted Gee and I towards the wall stubbornly.

“Frank. Don't test me right now.” He warned, his brown eyes like burning wood.

“Frank...honey. Please?” Susan interjected, softly. I almost forgot she was there and it made me jump to hear her voice. I suddenly felt like I was being cornered like a wild animal; hunted for slaughter. My heart was racing and I just wanted to cry. The only thing keeping me grounded was Gerard in my arms. He had gone quiet again, but I could feel his erratic breathing on my chest.

“I hate you. I hope you know that.” I bit, my voice steel strong and bitter as fresh brewed coffee. I knew I had lost, though. I had to show them but it was my last jab at Dad and I hoped it hurt like fuck, because that time I really meant it. His eyes flickered pain, but as quickly as I saw it, the emotion was gone, back to his angry demeanor.

“I don't care. Show me.” He growled, voice gruff and stern. I shook my head, hot with rage, but took an arm off Gee and lifted back my sleeve to reveal to them the ugly scars, old and new, adorning my wrist all the way up to my elbow. The first initial cut I had made way back when Gerard and I first broke up was fading with still a bit of purple to it, mostly white though. The cut I had made when I first got back to Jersey was red but healed over. No scab, nor even flaky. But of course I had made more since then. Some were even from the night before when I was in a spiral of self pity for getting into a fight with Dylan and hurting Gerard. It had barely begun to heal; you could see veins and fatty tissue with a thin layer of yellow goo plasma forming in the makings of a scab.

Susan gasped her hazel green eyes filling with tears and it pained me only because her eyes were so much like Gerard's. The green swirled with the brown when they became wet; like when it rains outside and the muddy foundations of the earth mixes with it's grassy companion. Dad's face only hardened. His brown eyes were ablaze. A burning building; fire and wood. Cedar and smoke. I didn't know what to do so I just held tight to my baby. I couldn't take the silent though, my ears were ringing with the empty white noise.

“I'm sorry.” I offered. And I was. But not for their sake. For Gerard's and my own. That I had been able to go for so long and crack, fall into old habits. For Gerard, because I couldn't be strong like I was supposed to. For hurting him by hurting myself.

“Oh Frank....” Susan trailed off, approaching the bed and sitting beside me. Wiping her eyes, she smeared her already fading mascara, but no one even cared.

Timidly she grabbed for my forearm and I let her. Her touch was gentle and her fingertips were smooth, while she tenderly traced around the scars and scabs. Tensing I wondered what she was doing, but then I saw her carefully grab Gerard's hand, like he was a deer she didn't want to frighten off. He jumped at her touch initially but relaxed once he realized who it was. Without any words exchanged between the four of us, me and Dad watched breathlessly while Susan guided Gerard's fingertips around my arm. He whimpered and tears filled his beautiful eyes, mirroring his mothers. I felt a burning lump grow inside my throat, feeling horribly guilty and shameful for hurting him. I knew then what she was doing. She wasn't letting me off the hook just because Gee couldn't see. Susan was going to make him see one way or any other. She wanted for me to understand that I wasn't hurting myself but him too.
After Gerard had felt all of my markings tears were streaming down his face and sniffling hard. I pulled my sleeve down and gathered him into my arms, rocking his softly on the bed.

“I love you so much.” Gerard sobbed, his voice muffled from being buried against my shirt, but loud enough for everyone to hear.

“I love you too, baby.” I cooed, kissing his ear. Susan gazed at us fondly, her eyes meeting mine in a sad yet loving look. I smiled somberly at her, then cast my eyes down, not wanting to see her disappointment or Dad's fury. Gee whimpered, brushing his lips oh so softly against my neck. I closed my eyes and sighed.

“Can we talk about this in the morning? It's too late. I'm tired. Gerard's tired. We're all tired.” I mumbled out. Opening my eyes, I peered up under my eyelashes. Dad and Susan were exchanging a look that meant they were going to leave, but they were also going to talk amongst themselves without us instead of going to bed.

“Yeah, okay. That sounds like a good idea. We're all exhausted and we're no good being cranky with each other. Sleep is a good idea.” Susan offered.

“Thanks.” I murmured, my face in Gee's hair.

“Of course, Frankie.” She softly whispered, pecking the top of my head, then Gerard's cheek, then stood up.

“We are going to discuss this later though. You're not getting off the hook.” Dad warned. I rolled my eyes, just wanting him to leave already.

“Yeah, whatever.” I grumbled. Dad huffed but left nonetheless. Susan followed quietly closing the door and turning off the light. I sighed heavily once they were gone and maneuvered Gerard and I around on the bed in order to lie down. He was quiet and allowed me to move him around, ending with his head on my chest and my arm around him waist.

“I'm sorry, Gee. I should have told you.” I confessed, wanting to make him feel better.

“It's okay...I just wish you were happy. That I....I dunno. That I could make you happy again.
That I hadn't of made you so sad in the first place.” He whispered his voice raw with heavy tears.

“Oh, baby. None of this is your fault. You can't blame yourself for my actions.” I tried to get him to understand, petting his soft long black hair. He just rubbed his nose against my shirt, nuzzling closer and yawned.

“I don't believe you.” Was all he gave. I sighed again.

“You should. But lets talk about this later, like I said. Let's just sleep for now.” I went on. I could feel Gerard's head nod against my chest and without any other discussion we both fell back into an uneasy sleep in each others embrace.

Notes

Okay, fuck. You have permission to punch me in the face for how long this took. But hopefully it wont take so long next time since I'm done with school for the summer. And life updates.

Hair: blue/green see here
Grades: A and 2 B's (which isn't so bad)
I hopefully will be seeing Gerard in October (if I dont I'll die)
Bluryface: amazing

Love you all xoxo G(race)