A Broken Heart Is Blind

The problem with addictions is that, if for the reason you started that addiction, is resolved, it doesn't necessarily mean you can stop the act. Like say you start smoking because you're stressed about not getting a job, and then you get a job. But that doesn't mean you're going to just quit smoking if you're addicted already. Well that's how it was for me and my drug addiction. I had Frank back, but I was already hooked. I couldn't just stop. The worst part about it though, was that I had to do all of my drug getting and taking behind Frank's back. I wasn't sure if he knew or if he knew and thought I'd stopped or what. But I wasn't going to just up and tell him. I was scared of what he'd do or think. And I was afraid, most of all, that he'd try and get me to stop. I mean, of course I was ashamed. I was. But again, the shame didn't out weigh my craving. That's what fucking sucked about drugs. They changed you as a person and I hated it. But I couldn't go back now. The deed was already done.

I think the same went for Frank, though. Because, not that I had actually seen, or rather been there when Frank cut, I could still feel unhealed scars over his wrist. It had been a good two weeks since we'd gotten back together and there were still scabs. And at that, sometimes Frank would get squeamish and wouldn't even let me touch his wrists at all. He flinch back and yank his arm away. I wasn't stupid. But I felt horrible that Frankie was still self-harming. It made me want to cry and my heart clench. Fucking addictions, though. They ruin everything and no matter how much you may be hurting people you love in the process, you just can't help but still do them. Even though Frank and I were back together, not everything was okay. We still were dealing with the aftermath.

I wondered when Frank even got the chance to cut? We were practically together at all times. Which made me think...did Frank cut when I made excuses to get my drugs from Bert? How fucking sick and ironic would that be, huh? We were both feeding our flames to each other whether we knew it or not. I guess we should have picked better New Years resolutions. Because we actually had been keeping up the whole, 'get back in contact with old friends', one. Which was good, but you'd think cutting/drug addictions would beat calling up friends? I guess people always chose the easier route. ...But speaking of talking to old friends, well like I said, we'd been keeping up that promise. The day of New Year's I called Ray and Frank called Hambone. Hambone, I guess was cool and understanding, just glad that Frank made contact. They planned on hanging out before Frank went back to Ohio, which was at the second to last week of January. And Ray was nice and welcoming when I called, glad to hear how I was doing better and back with Frank, which was a relief. I mean I knew Ray wouldn't be a dick, but still. I would have deserved it.

In fact, Frank and I had just come back from hanging out with Ray. Frank got to meet Nathan and I got hold him again and realize just how big he was getting. It made me a little sad to think I'd missed so much. He was a cutie, though, giggling and playing around with us as much as a, like five month old baby could. Like grabbing at our fingers and noses and things such as that. Ray made us lunch and I got to catch up with him. Of course he asked if I'd changed my mind about college and I had to disappoint him once again and say, 'no'. Frank told him about his college life though, making it more exciting and happy for Ray's benefit. Ray told us about the new kids he was tutoring and how he was thinking about teaching at a college after this year was over. That it would be for easier for him and Christa and Nathan. All in all, it was a pleasant experience.

Once back from Ray's, Frank and I were lounging around in the upstairs living room, listening to Radioheads, OK Computer and cuddling. It was nice to relax after all the holidays drama and New Years resolution bullshit. And I new it was a cop-out but Karma Police was my favorite from the Radiohead album, which was playing at the moment and I was singing embarrassingly loud, while Frank laughed at me. Interrupting my singing and Franks laughing, however, Sarah's boyfriend, Dylan made an exceptionally loud entrance into the room, stomping his feet. Jumping at the sound, Dylan laughed at my reaction.

“Chill, Gerard. It's just me.” He cackled annoyingly.

“Dude. He can't fucking see. Of course it's going to freak him out.” Frank muttered, wrapping a protective arm over my shoulder and gave a squeeze.

“Who are you? And what's crawled up your ass?” Dylan drawled out, the sound of him plopping into the recliner across from us, sounding in my ear.

“Frank.” Was all he offered. Dylan scuffed.

“Ooookay then, Frank.” He teased, “What ever that means....Anyways. Gee? Where's Lindsey?” He went on sounding confused in an accusing tone of voice. I blushed and squirmed a bit.

“We, uh, broke up. I thought Sarah told you?” I wondered

“I dunno. Probably.” Dylan waved off, “But why?”

“Because,” I shrugged, “Things weren't working out. I didn't like her like that-”

“Like what?” He cut me off.

“Like I didn't love her.” I elaborated.

“So? That doesn't mean you should break up with her.” Dylan argued defiantly. I sighed. Honestly I didn't see what Sarah saw in Dylan...I guess I couldn't see at all, but you get the point. He was rude and stupid and annoying.

“Yeah. It kinda does. Plus...me and Frank got back together.” I pointed out, resting my head on Franks shoulder for emphasis.

“Ohh. You're that Frank!” Dylan pieced together, “What the fuck Gerard?” He went on not letting either, me nor Frank reply, “I thought you got over that gay phase? And you and Lindsey were good together.”

Frank growled at Dylan's response, his hand on my shoulder tightening, while I tensed feeling hurt. It was stupid that I felt hurt. Dylan's opinion of me didn't mean much, but whenever people picked on my sexuality saying things like it was a 'phase' or 'not a real thing', I'll admit I was sensitive to it. Plus with the added fact that this was my sisters boyfriend and I wanted to like him just as much as I wanted him to like me.

“We weren't though.” I argued meekly, bowing my head, “Like I said. We didn't love each other and I still love Frank.”

“Whatever.” Dylan sighed as if he were already bored with the conversation, “What is this shit you two are listening to? Sounds like gay faggot shit. Can we change it?” He laughed at his own joke, which wasn't even a joke? Frank had it with that, though, trying to hold onto his temper. I could frantically feel him fuming and clenching his jaw, with the strength not to fight Dylan.

“Dude, shut the fuck up!” Frank shouted, loosing his cool.

“Whoa, shorty, calm down!” Dylan chuckled, finding this all humoring which only fed Franks anger. I tensed more, worried about what could happen. Frank retracted his arm from around my shoulder and jumped up to his feet.

“Don't tell me to 'calm down', you fucking Neanderthal! Or do you even know what that is?” Frank spewed.

“You trying to start something, you piece of shit?” Dylan challenged, his voice shifting from teasing and smug to low and aggressive. The tension in the air was causing me to tremble and tears coat my eyes. I could hear Dylan get to his feet as well, which was in no way a good sign.

“You've been trying to start shit the moment you walked in here! Scaring Gerard like it's funny, then bagging on his sexuality.” Frank growled, his voice dangerously aggressive.

“You need to calm down, Frankie,” Dylan scuffed saying Franks name in a patronizing way,

“Me and Gee are cool. Aren't we, Gee?” I tensed and sniffled not knowing what to say. I was hurt by Dylan's words and actions, but then again I didn't want to start anything. I really wished
I had my sunglasses on so they wouldn't see my welling tears.

“Fuck you!” Frank cut in, saving me from responding, “Don't talk to him, you don't deserve it. Why don't you just own up to being an asshole and apologize.”

“Fuck that, I don't have anything to fucking apologize for.” Dylan argued, “You two are too sensitive. You and your democratic-politically-correct-bullshit. Grow a pair and stop acting like a fairy.” He went on, as a few tears spilled over my water line and onto my face.

“You're such a dick! Just because we live in a way you're not used to you have to judge us and tack on homophobic labels to us. Why don't you grow up?” Frank yelled, rapidly losing his cool.

“I haven't tacked on any labels that you don't deserve. YOU'RE FAGOTS! No matter which way you slice it, you fuckin pussy ass punk.” Dylan went off, his teasing facade gone, showing his true feelings towards the situation.

That was it though. Frank didn't respond, losing his cool as I heard the sound of a fist connecting with a face. Dylan made a wailing noise of surprise followed by more punches being thrown. After that I couldn't keep count of who was hitting who. The noises were getting jumbled with grunts and curses and punches; of tackling each other to the ground and rolling around on the floor. All the while, I just sat there crying not knowing what to do. It's not like I could jump in; I couldn't fucking see what they were doing. That's probably what I hated most about fights, physical ones at least; I couldn't really see what was going on and I couldn't stop it. And especially this one, since it involved Frank. He could be getting crushed to a pulp and I couldn't do a Goddamn thing to help. Covering my face in my hands, I began to sob, begging them to stop. Curling in on myself on the couch, I felt like I couldn't breath. Someone made a groaning sound, I think it was Dylan but I couldn't be sure over the sound of my hysterical crying. It felt like forever, but after about ten minutes or so, I heard the front door slam shut and then someone racing up the stairs in a panic, probably hearing the fighting from downstairs.

“WHAT THE FUCK?” Sarah screeched at the top of her voices capability. And believe me, she had a pair of lungs on her. At the sound of her voice the noise of fighting ceased, whether from shock at the Sarah's appearance or from fear, I don't know. I was just glad they stopped.

“WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?!” She demanded. I didn't stop crying, though. I couldn't. I just kept on sobbing from the couch, curled in the fetal position. Someone moved from where they stood, though and sat down beside me, forcefully gathering me into their arms. Sarah. I could tell by her smell and gentle touch, despite her rage-filled voice. At her touch, I sobbed louder, throwing myself into her lap.

“Shh, Gee. Honey, breath. It's alright baby.” She attempted to coax, using as many pet names as she could possibly fit into the sentences. “And YOU two!” She paused to address Frank and Dylan, “I can't even deal with you guys right now! Dylan. Go to my room and wait for me there! Frank. Go get Gerard's medicine from the kitchen cabinet downstairs.” She ordered like a military drill Sargent. It worked though, because I heard them both spring into action, frantic footsteps pattering around. Frank's running downstairs and Dylan's shuffling to Sarah's room. Once they were gone, Sarah redirected her attention onto me again.

“Gee? Honey, what happened? It's okay, they're both alright. They're just being stupid boys, everything's fine.” She tried to reassure, but I just couldn't get a hold of myself. I was past my point of calming down. There's is a point, where you might be able to sooth me, comfort me and tell me sweet words, but I was long gone. I had let myself become too hysterical. Sarah was right in making Frank get my medication but I hated myself for it. Which didn't help my situation either.

“FRANK HURRY UP!” She screamed, then tightened her arms around me. I think she was afraid I'd start trying to hurt myself and she wouldn't be able to make me stop. But I didn't want to hurt myself then. That's not why I was crying, because sometimes I get hysterical if I don't feel real. And that's when I hurt myself. I try to make myself hurt to remind myself I'm real. That's a whole different situation, though. I was hysterical over fighting. When people fight, I can't take it and I can't stop crying and I can't breath. I feel threatened for some reason. It's like traumatizing or something. Like I feel like someone's going to die or leave...I don't even really know how to explain it. But I know I hate it. Sarah did her best though, shushing me gently, rubbing my back. I was almost screaming by the time Frank came back. My chest felt like it was exploding from the inside out.

“God, hurry up!” Sarah snapped. Sarah didn't take shit when this kind of thing happened and she didn't care about hurting feelings. She was scary, like a defensive mama bear.

“Here!” Frank panted, handing over the medication to Sarah. I felt Sarah shift an arm around and take it.

“Gee...I need you to calm down, honey. I have to give you a shot and I don't want to hurt you.” She explained calmly. I whine and wailed, throwing myself out of her arms

“N-no!” I begged, my breathing shutter and causing me to stutter, “I-I'll b-be g-goo-d! I-I promise!” I blubbered.

“Gerard.” Sarah spoke firmly but still maintained her tenderness, “Pills right now will take too long to calm you down. I have to do a shot. It'll take two seconds and you'll feel better. You can sleep, baby.” She tried. I shook my head violently, though not listening. Sarah sighed in defeat.

“P-pleeease!” I shuddered, my bottom lip fluttering against my teeth as I inhaled.

“Please, Gee. Please calm down. If you don't I'll have to have Frank hold you down and none of us want that to happen. That or I'll call an ambulance.”

“NOOO!” I wailed. Sometimes I'm not sure which is worse; me hysterically crying or me hysterically out of it and thrashing around. Because when I'm conscientious I beg and it's pathetic, but when I'm not myself and thrashing around everyone doesn't have to worry about hurting my feelings or feel like they're kicking a puppy. They just do what they have to do. It's tricky, I know. But I don't think about this when I'm hysterical.

“Gee, please.” Frank cut in, his voice sad and rough. I squeezed my eyes shut tight at the sound of his voice crouched down beside where Sarah held me on the couch. I opened my mouth to let out a loud cry, feeling strings of saliva connect with the roof of my mouth to my bottom lip. Closing my moth and couching, I reached out for Frank. He immediately took me in his arms, while at the same time sat down next to Sarah. For a moment, Frank hushed me, stroking my hair back and rocking me in place. I sniffled, getting Frank's shirt wet with a mixture of snot and tears.

“Gerard. It's only going to get worse the longer we wait.” Sarah reminded gently. I nodded frantically, letting her know I understood. Frank kissed my temple then unfolded me from my fetal position and brought my arm out. I whimpered loudly, puffing out my cheeks. Sarah was quick though, bringing the syringe to the crease in my arm where my elbow was and plunged the needle in. I yelped in pain, hating needles with all my hear and soul. But like I said; Sarah was quick, sticking it in, releasing the medication, then sticking it back out all within a good ten seconds. She should be a nurse not a librarian.

Frank brought me back into my ball position, whispering loving words and apologies for causing the fight. Sarah caressed my wet cheeks telling me how much she loved me. I couldn't response, however to either of them, the medicine taking effect in a close-to-instant. With my eyes rolling into the back of my head and mouth going slack, I fell asleep in Frankie's arms welcomed by a serene darkness. Peaceful and warm.

❤❤ ❤ Frank❤❤❤

Setting Gerard back onto my bed, I lied beside him while Sarah followed. She sat on the edge of the bed while I wrapped Gerard into my arms, inhaling his sweet smell to calm myself down. I fucked up. I had so, so, so fucked up. Again. I wanted to just punch myself, I could never keep my cool and always ended up making Gerard an upset, hysterical mess. Kissing all over his face, I wanted to cry. Even after breaking up and all this time apart, I screwed up. He looked so peaceful in my arms, his long black hair splayed out over my forearm, eyes shut and relaxed, cute pixie nose upturned. Studying his face, though, I noticed it was still pink and blotchy from crying. His eyelids were swollen. Sighing, I leaned down to kiss his soft pink lips. Lifting a hand, I caressed his warm but slightly sticky from tears, cheek.

“...Frank.” Sarah spoke softly, breaking me from my revery. I snapped my head up, eyes coated with tears. “Frank,” She repeated again, with a sad sigh, her blue eyes sympathetic.

“What happened?” I sigh, squeezing my eyes shut.

“Your boyfriends a dick. You know that right?” I started, feeling angry again just thinking about that he had said to Gerard.

“And how is that? That doesn't explain anything.” Sarah pointed out in frustration, while cocking an eyebrow.

“He was being a jerk to Gerard. Laughing that he had scared him while entering the room, because he can't see.” I went on, clenching my jaw, “And then he proceeded to make fun of Gee's and mine's sexuality when Gerard told him that he and Lindsey broke up. He told him that he looked better with her and that we were fagots.”

“He what?” Sarah demanded, dumbfounded at the news. I nodded, a scowl on my face; eyebrows knit and mouth turned in a frown.

“I'm not lying. Ask Gerard when he wakes up. I wouldn't fight him over nothing.” I defended, bringing Gee's sleeping form closer to my chest.

“I-I believe you...just...I just...He's never acted like that before.” She went on slowly, her own eyebrows knit, a sad expression painting her features.

“Well he's always been around Gee and Lindsey. Not Gee and me.” I shrugged.

“I guess...But I told him about Gerard and you...It's not like it was new news for him. He just never commented on it. I didn't think he cared.” Sarah explained, her voice cracking.

“Hey! It's okay, you didn't know!” I offered.

“But it's not okay! God, I was so blind!” She cried, tears leaking over onto her cheeks. “I thought he was a nice guy. He was so sweet to me...”

“Men are shit.” I pointed out making her laugh bitterly.

“They are.” She agreed. We were silent a moment. I could feel my left eye swelling shut and bottom lip cracking and bleeding slightly. Fucker got me good, but I got him even better. I hope I cracked something. Broke his nose maybe as it had bled when I punched it...

“I have to break up with him.” Sarah murmured softly, “This is unacceptable. If he can't accept my brothers I can't accept him.”

“It'll be okay.”I tried gently, “You'll have me no matter what. You helped me with my break up with Gee. And I know that it wasn't pretty. So I'll be right here for you.” Sarah gave me a sad lopsided grin, half of her plump pink lips lifting. She chuckled sadly, blinking back tears.

“Thanks, Frankie.” She almost whispered, her voice was so soft. I smiled back; I think that was the first time she'd ever used my nickname.

“Any time.” I nodded. Sarah and I were silent then, both watching Gee sleep, his breathing even and calm. He looked like an angel when he slept; his face was relax making his features soft and heavenly. I sighed, nuzzling my face to his chest.

“Hey...Frank?” Sarah asked, getting my attention back. I lifted my head and hummed in response. Sarah's big blue eyes roamed my face for a moment before speaking, searching for what, I don't know. “I need to talk to you...about your fighting.” I sighed, already knowing where this was going. “I'm not necessarily mad...I just need you to understand something.”

“Yeah?” I hummed, apprehensively.

“Gerard...as you know...he's sensitive. But he's also very sweet. He's going to forgive you for this. Hell, I'm sure he'll even not start a fight. He's just going to say this is how you are. And I know this is how you are. But please. Please, keep your temper in check. I'm not saying this to be mean, but Gerard hasn't had an episode like this since you two were together. And how long have you been back together? Maybe three weeks?” Sarah explained. My throat started constricting at this information and my eyes started to burn with unspilt tears. I was ashamed. I knew fights upset Gerard, and what did I do? Start a fight.

“I know you were just trying to be protective of him. I do. I get that, but you should have just taken Gee and you to one of your bedrooms and ignored Dylan. Told me what he had said later, when I got home and away from Gerard. I would have believed you. I don't need a fight for that...I understand that's hard for you. It's not your natural instinct, with living with your Dad and all...but you have to change it. I'm not going to let Gee live like this, if it continues. I'm warning you, Frank. But with love. I do love you. You're apart of the family now. But like I said. I am warning you. Gerard's not going to be able to survive in a environment like this. It's borderline abusive. Emotionally and mentally. Sometimes even physically, when it gets to the point of him hurting himself. Why do you think Mom and me and Matt have been so careful with this kinds of situations? Because we have to. Of course we'd love to just go at it sometimes, chew each others heads off. But we can't. We just can't. It's not acceptable.

“I know you love him, Frank. And if you love him like I think you do, I know you'll change for him. And it's not a bad change, okay? You can't live your life beating people up when they upset you. You have to take it sometimes and be mature. Sometimes not reacting is stronger than acting...And like I said. I'm not trying to be mean. I love you and I love Gerard. And I'm saying this because I love you too. I have to take care of Gerard. I have to warn you and remind you this isn't good.” Sarah finished, her tone calm and gentle the whole time. But that only made me cry. She was right. She was 100% right and I couldn't argue. With shame, a few bitter tears fell over onto my face and I sniffled.

“You're right. I'm sorry, Sarah.” I said, my voice hoarse from emotion and tears.

“I know you are, Frank. It's okay. Just make it right so you don't have to be sorry again. Saying sorry means you wont try and make this happen twice.” She offered softly, patting my shoulder softly. I nodded my head, starring at Gee's sleeping form. He's peaceful baby face only made my heart clench and ache.

“I'm gonna go, though. I have to deal with Dylan.” Sarah sighed, mournfully. I managed to peal my eyes away from Gee and onto Sarah. She had gotten off the bed to stand back up. Her face was sad, her blue eyes burning a hole into me.

“I'll be here if you need me.” I reminded. Sarah gave a sad flash of a grin and a huff of a laugh.

“Thanks Frank. You take care of Gee right now, though.” She insisted. I nodded and Sarah turned around walking out the door quietly, without another exchange of words.

I sighed once she was gone and snuggled down against Gee, keeping him in my arms. Running over what Sarah had said along with what I felt, I knew I had to change. It was that or I would have to leave Gerard. And I couldn't leave Gerard again though. It would surely ruin both of us. So I was changing. I didn't care how hard it was going to be. I'd fucking take an anger management class if I had to. I'd start yoga. I'd do anything. I never wanted to see Gerard like this again. So there, while I lay with him in my arms, drugged on medication to help him sleep and calm down, I vowed to never fight someone again. Verbally or physically. Not even when Gerard wasn't around, because that would only make it harder to not fight when he was around. The only problematic factor to this equation, however, that scared me was that I didn't know if I could figure it out with my Dad.

Notes

Yo. You guys can murder me for how long it's taken me to update. I've just felt so weird lately. Like just tired and so anxious and just like self-destructive. School is really stressing me out too. I meant to update this last night but I just spent it crying while listening to Goner by Twenty One Pilots and drinking wine. But yeah. So about Twenty One Pilots. You guys listen to them? Heard their new song Fairly Local? Shit is so so good!
I'm so sorry this update sucks, but I'm too tired to edit properly. I'm just listening to Get Trashed by the Killers on repeat right now. I get stuck on songs if you didn't notice. But I figured with it being the worst day in the history of music I would update for you lovely's. I'm just going to spend my last day of spring break listening to all the mcr albums and cry.
Oh, and one last thing. Last Sunday was my year anniversary from when I stopped self-harming. Pretty proud. This is way too long but I had a lot to say. Love you all. Xoxo G(race)