I Wish I Didn't Know

“Please Gerard, please!” I scream, grabbing his ankle as he tries to shake me off, kicking me in the ribs. I choke on my own sobs, but I could not care less about what condition I’m in.

“I’m begging you, I’m on my knees!” I wail, feeling another hit in the stomach.

“I said GET OFF ME!” he shouts and leaps away from me and out of my grip, leaving me in a puddle of my own tears, my hands clasped to my stomach. I feel the pain now. I didn’t feel it before, but now it’s the worst kind of pain I’ve ever felt- the feeling of my heart being torn to pieces and my stomach being kicked all at the same time.

I shut my eyes and let the tears flow. I’ve never gotten so low in my whole life- begging for something on my knees, begging for someone who doesn’t care about me to stay!

I lift my gaze at the older man, looking for a hint of pity in his hazel eyes. Just as I expected, there is none, but it still hurts. All his eyes show is violence and menace, something I hoped I’d never have to witness or be a part of. At least not with him, the person I trusted the most in my whole life.

I still remember the day we met- it was in a mall, and it was by the fountain near the entrance.

The day my mom kicked me out of the house and I was looking for some pills that I could overdose with.

He was the first one to start a conversation. He sat down next to me on the bench and asked me if I liked comics. Just like that. I still remember the jacket he was wearing and the smell of his cologne as he leaned closer to me, proposing me to go for a walk to a park.
***
“Are you in a hurry?”

“No, not really,”

“Would you mind, uh, joining me for a walk? You seem cool,”
***
Is this really the Gerard who told me he’d jump of the Empire State Building for me? The same person who actually made me believe in myself, the one who helped and guided me through my worst moments? The Gee who slapped the razors from my hand when I was about to end it all?

No, no, I refuse to believe. It’s not him, he’d never hurt me. Not for billions and billions of dollars, he’d never rip a single strand of hair off my head.

He told me we fit together like Romeo and Juliet, with one, on his opinion, extremely important exception- we’d live together forever, and nothing would ever separate us. Apparently an angel like me didn’t deserve to be suicidal.

But those are his eyes- the same honey-hazel eyes that I love, coated with long eyelashes. The only difference is that now they are ice-cold, piercing, hard to look into for longer than a second. They aren’t as deep as an ocean anymore, I just can’t get myself to drown in them- they are coated with indifference to my pain, but show the will to hurt me even more.

“Gerard…” I manage to strangle out of myself.

“Shut the fuck up. I need you to be out of here in no more than 30 minutes, and the time is ticking away faster than you think,”

“Gerard, please, just listen to me,” I can feel blood in my mouth, and a drop falls off my chin onto the tiled kitchen floor, creating a splatter. It looks just like something that would be drawn in one of the comics that Gerard so dearly loves, or at least used to.

“Listen Gerard, we don’t have to do this… I still love you more than anything, your past doesn’t matter!” my lungs feel like they’re about to explode and I’m completely out of breath. Everything around looks blurry and the air is heavy, unbearable to breathe. “Please, you know I won’t tell! I love you too much…” I let my head drop to the floor, and a mind-killing pain shoots through my brain. I wince and hiss, whimpering slightly.

I open my eyes to see Gerard leaning towards me.

“Too bad, you’ll have to get over me or die right here on the kitchen floor,” he’s talking quickly and slurring his words together, and my headache doesn’t let me process what’s he saying properly.

“I’ll kill you myself if I have to,” he finishes, standing up. I crawl away from him, expecting another kick in the ribs, but it doesn’t come.

Gerard Way, the love of my life, just threatened to kill me with his own hands.

“Why are you doing this?” I whisper into my arm, muffling another sob, but Gerard still hears me. I lift my head, watching him through my tears. I don’t care what he does to me, I need to prove him that I love him for who he is, and that I’m meaning to stay until the very end.

To my surprise, he takes a step closer to me and drops to his knees by my side. His expression softens, and suddenly it’s soaked in sorrow and regret, and the warmth returns to his eyes. His hand reaches out for my face and I flinch away, scared he’s going to hit me but he, acting as if he didn’t notice my reaction, wipes the tears and dry blood off my cheek. Silent tears collect in my eyes again, and I try to not breathe or move at all to not get him mad. There is a moment of silence where Gerard, unfamiliarly fondly looking at me, brushes my cheek with his fingers before he starts speaking again.

“Frankie, dear, which part of “please leave” do you not understand?” he asks quietly, trying to not startle me. I don’t reply; I have nothing to say. I understand everything, I just don’t want to go. I don’t want to be all alone again. After being in Gerard’s caring arms, after having him so close to myself, being alone again sounds like the worst punishment there can be. A real, painful torture.

“Frankie, please, you need to understand… I’m doing this for your own good, this is dangerous for both of us,” he continues.

“I never wanted to read those, believe me! I didn’t mean to!”

“I know, and I’m sorry you had to. It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have left them in the open,” he sighs heavily.

“B-but I don’t w-want to-” I start, but he interrupts me.

“I know, and I don’t want to let you go either, trust me. But you need to go, and I’m dead serious,”

“I won’t tell anyone, why don’t you believe me?!”

“I believe you more than it’s possible to believe anyone, but you really have no idea what’s going on. Either you leave or they kill us both,”

I’m about to mumble something insensible in protest when Gerard suddenly leans down and seals his lips to mine, gripping my chin in his hand. My heart hitches, but I don’t kiss back- I just can’t, I can hardly hear what’s he saying. Gerard breaks the kiss, his face still extremely close to mine, the tip of his nose pressing into my cheek. I open my eyes.

Gerard is crying.

“I love you so much,” he whispers shakily against my lips and I feel his hot tears on my skin.

“I love you too,” I reply weakly, but I’m not sure if he can even hear me.

“I’m so sorry Frank, I’m sorry…”

****
I wake up on a hospital bed, tubes inserted into my arms. The room is tiny, and the walls are painted white. Before I can process what happened, the door flings open and a nurse walks in. Her face lights up when she sees I’m awake and she quickly approaches my side.

“Hello, how do you feel Frank?” she asks.

“My sides hurt, but otherwise I’m good,” I reply. I also have a pounding headache, but I figured it’s not that important.

“You are probably going to have bruises for a rather long time. Do you know why you’re here?”

Yes, I know why I’m here, I’m here because Gerard beat me up.

I shake my head in response. No matter what he did, he said he loved me, and I don’t want him to get in trouble because of me being a wimp.

‘Well, your roommate brought you in here, he said he found you lying on the floor all bruised in your apartment. He mentioned that sometimes you have seizures and panic attacks, do you think that’s what could have happened?”

I swallow a dry lump in my throat and nod.

“What was the name of the man who brought me in here?” I ask in a whisper.

“He introduced himself as Gerard Way,”

Yes, definitely my roommate, and I undoubtedly bruised myself.

“And where’s he now?”

“He said he had some serious business to deal with and left,” she nurse says, but her cheeks redden up and her eyes dart away into the corner. She reaches her hand upwards, rubbing the tip of her nose. She’s lying.

“Please, tell me the truth,” I ask quietly.

“I don’t think you are ready,” she protests, and it’s obvious she’s getting uncomfortable.

“TELL ME THE FUCKING TRUTH!” I scream in her face, sitting up on the bed.

“Please, just calm down or I’ll have to call the doctors. Gerard Way left, saying he was going to come back to see you tomorrow, and... “ she pauses and her eyes dart away again. “We are sorry, but his death was reported two hours ago. It was a suicide. He jumped off the Empire State Building.”

***

“Frankie, you know I’d do anything for you, right?” Gerard asks, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me closer to him.
“Really?” I ask, standing on my tiptoes to peck him on the cheek.
“Yeah. I’d jump off the Empire State Building for you,”

***

“He instructed us to tell you that he loves you and that he's going to see you soon,” the nurse finishes. "We're sorry,"

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

Notes

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