The Suicide Room

Okay so first off, this will be deleted later, but for anyone who actually cares, here's why I've been gone so long, and I'm very sorry. For anyone who doesn't care, I have all of the important stuff about the story and updating in the NOTES section down below so skip to that.

Well... Where do I even begin.
So, a lot can happen in a month's time, but let's start back in Late October of last year.

Late October, I went to the doctor's office, and at the doctor's you get weighed. Now sure, I knew I had a couple of pounds to lose, and I always had. But, with I apparently had a 'muscular build' from being a wrestler, so neither me nor my mom were worried about it, but the doctor had given me countless talks about losing weight, when really any weight lost would be muscle.
Late October though, I'd had enough. I didn't hear my doctor saying 'you could probably shed a few pounds and be back to a healthy life', no I heard a DOCTOR telling me I WAS FAT.
It didn't help that wrestling season was coming up either, because that meant daily weigh-ins, and daily reminders of how fat I was.
So I did the only logical thing to do at that point.
I stopped eating.
I convinced my mom that I didn't need breakfast because 'No one else eats breakfast', and then at school, I moved lunch tables, so a group that didn't know me, and I stopped eating lunch there too, no questions asked.
At the end of each day with only eating as little of my dinner as possible, and a two hour wresting workout Monday through Friday, I was ending up with a minimum calorie deficit of over 2000.
And I still considered myself fat.
This happened for a while, until eventually in early February, I'd lost almost 30 pounds.
That's almost 30 pounds in only 3.5 months, if that.
And i wasn't done.
he problem was, that with my new lack of nutrients, I started binging uncontrollably, and so I would eat even less knowing I'd probably binge and get a lot of calories later. Basically, I either ate way too little, or wayyy too much.
I also was very depressed
Now, I've never been diagnosed, but I think that I don't really need a diagnosis for anorexia/bulumia/a BED when I was like how I just described, and I don't think I need a diagnosis for depression when at least 3 nights a week, I would be crying myself to sleep, completely unprovoked, and I was standing on the curb 4 times in the past two weeks, daring myself to just jump into traffic.
Being half a step away from death wasn't unusual.

I was in a dark place, and just under a month ago, a little after my last update, I got the biggest health scare yet.
I had just finished a binge, after a 43 hour fast, and I was not doing so well. My heart was either beating way too fast, or way too slow, and either way, I could feel it in my neck, and hear it pounding in my head. I was shaking uncontrollable, and sweating profusely. Eventually, I fainted/blacked out, whatever, and woke up still with the symptoms, with no one having checked on me yet

I thought I was going to die.

And frankly, for the first time ever

I didn't want to.

And I was so scared that I would.

So I decided to try to turn my life around, all until last week actually, I was doing pretty good, but I crashed harder than I ever have. I was back to how I was in December, and once again I found myself on the curb

But then I met a girl.
Really, I'd met her earlier here, as she was at the table I'd moved myself to in October, but I thought she was perfect. I'm constantly at her house, and honestly I think I love her, but she has a boyfriend, and I think she's straight, so although she's a real strong lifeline for me, she's also the waves pushing me away from shore, she just doesn't know about the latter.
That's just a smaller problem of mine though. The big thing is, I've fallen harder than I should have, both with my mental/physicall health, and in love with her.

Notes

And that is why it will probably be a little until I update again. Honestly, I'm scared to death of getting help, and I don't want anyone I know IRL to know about this, so I'm facing this myself, and this also means that it's going to take longer for me to get better. I'm going to aim for next weekend, hopefully Sunday (probably not Saturday because I have a big test then).

Either way, I hope you guys are staying stronger than I am.

@frank.is.love.frank.is.life