You can say you think you know,
Please there's a better bit of me to see yet,
because you haven't seen any of my best,
you know I hate myself without you now,
-Marianas Trench {Say Anything - Fix Me}

I was back in Belleville, New Jersey. I just needed to get away from everything that was going on in my life at the moment, and revisit happier times. Well, happier in comparison to now. I need to come to terms that all my quirks, and all my depressions, and failures compose me, and create the person I am. Although, I consider myself far from a person, and even further from sane person. Life's never been easy for me, especially in these past few years. These past few years have been very black, grey, and white, with lots of red. The colour haunted me. In my dreams, and during the days, it haunted me. Now even the bags under my eyes are red, and I look like I wear red eyeshadow, when really, I just haven't slept in months. I haven't properly slept in the past year, and it was getting to me. The red made the green pigment in my eyes stand out, and it made me seem fucking creepy. My black, greasy locks made my complexion seem painfully white. I looked sick no matter what I did, but after all, it only reflected the personality of a sick in the head being.
My family didn't know I was coming back to them, and it was to remain a surprise. I couldn't wait to see my brother Mikey. He was who I really cared for, my mum too. She made my art possible, as well as my grandma Elena. She wasn't with us anymore.
I stumble towards my childhood home door, and abruptly knocked, not expecting an answer at this hour. After all if was kind of twelve in the morning. However I found the door being pulled open by my brother. He should know better than to open doors at this hour.

"Holy fuck." He breathed and dropped his coffee mug onto the floor, causing it to shatter into pieces and coffee to create a steaming brown puddle on the floor.

"Hey." I casually greeted, taking in all my brothers features. His mousy brown hair that he had styled in a fringe and a red beanie on the top of his head, flopping to the back. His glasses fell on the brim of his nose, but slightly towards the edge of it. He wore a casual black sweater, black skinnies, and a Joy Division 'Unknown Pleasures' shirt. "You gonna let me in, or are we going to stand here?" I let out an empty laugh, slightly showing my teeth.

"Yeah, sorry, Gee. You just, I didn't know you'd come." Mikey answered me. He stepped aside and I smiled, and entered. The house still smelled like a coffee shop, and certain rooms had the smell of cigarette smoke laced into some pillows, but overall, the smell was coffee, and mints.

"I'll clean up the mug and coffee, it was my fault." I offered. "Where's mum?" I asked him shortly after.

"Working late." He sighed. "She uh... Got this job she was working hard for, and they wanted her to work from twelve in the afternoon to three in the morning. She took it, but tonight she's working until five." I nodded and stepped in further letting Mikey shut the door. I bolted for the kitchen to get paper towels, and I got a broom to clean up the spilled coffee and broken mug. "So what are you doing here, Gee?" Mikes asked me.

"I had enough of the bastards over in New York. The never really liked me I guess. All they wanted was the money I could bring in. They fucked me up real bad. They beat me and... Well something I couldn't remember." I explained. The only lie was that I couldn't remember. I damn well know what they did, and now I'm stuck as this fucking bloody freak.

"Fuck, Gee, why didn't you come earlier?"

"Mikey, there's one thing you need to understand; art never comes from happiness, and I was far from happy. I am now having, what you call artists block, because I let out all my pain, anguish, and emotion into my art pieces, and I don't think I can go back to something that caused me pain, because now that I've let it out, all it leaves me with, is numbness. The essence of not feeling a god damn mother fucking thing. I think I need to spend time here, where times were far better." I finish off.

"Gee, take off your shoes and please come to your old room with me." I nod and do as he says. As I enter my room, in the basement, I make note that everything is still in it's place other than the sheets.

"You slept here the night I left you guys, and you sleep in here frequently, don't you?" I ask Mikey. He looks astounded and shocked.

"How'd you-"

"Know? The sheets, Mikes. They're out of place. But coffee? At twelve in the morning?" My innocent brother blushes and slowly nods. "Jesus, you'll be up for a very long time." A small chuckle escapes his lips, and tumbles out into the open, vulnerable to whomever wishes to attack it, or to comment on it.

"You look really sick, Gerard. You okay?" I knew this would come. He wouldn't believe me if I told him anything anyway.

"Yeah. I just need sleep, that's all. Haven't slept in months."

"You sure?" Mikey asks. I turn so I'm fully facing him.

"Mikes, I don't want to worry you. That's all. I'm not on drugs, I'm not sick, I haven't slept in months, and I think there might be something else, but I'll tell you when the time comes." I sigh out. I go and begin to dig through my wardrobe until I find my batman pajama pants, and old worn out Misfits shirt. I had gotten a new one since.

"Okay. By the way, your bags are still by the door. Do you want me to get them for you?" I simply hum in reply and as my little brother leaves, I change out of my jeans, black dress shirt and red tie, and into my pajama's. That's all I care for now. Comfort. I slip into bed, and drift off to sleep. Mikey probably brought down my bags as I heard him place them on the floor, whisper goodnight, and walk up the stairs, shutting the door behind him.

Notes

SO THIS IS NEW! HEYYYY! Should I also write this one or stick to The Thing About Pain? I quite like this chapter and I want to write this book too but I feel as if, if I start writing this now, I'll abandon my other one, and I think I like the other one a fuck load.

Tell me what you think.

xxxSoulless Vampirexxx