Inebriated
Fear
With Gerard's previous proclamations in my mind, all the time I spent with him afterwards was tainted by what I saw from him. Something was wrong, and it wasn't just my feelings. I mean, it was my feelings, but it was different. It wasn't my lack of affection - it was my underlying sensation of being uncomfortable non-stop.
Things were back to how they used to be, for the most part. Gerard wasn't drinking - at least that I knew of - and he was being doting and loving as he had been after he first proposed.
Months flew by so fast. I was nearing the end of my seventh now, my hormones were raging and I wanted to blame my apprehensiveness with Gerard on them, but I knew that wasn't it. Now that I saw what was going on, I could see the pattern through our whole relationship.
He was... too attached. It wasn't healthy for either of us, really. He wouldn't go anywhere without me. Often I'd find myself at his job with him, watching as he met with producers, merchandising companies, and the like. I wasn't supposed to be there, he didn't need me there, but I knew that his growing desperation to keep me around was the driving force behind everything.
I didn't voice my thoughts to Juno. I didn't say anything to Frank. The only person I talked to about Gerard anymore, was Mikey. He simply listened to everything I had to say, and would sometimes give me advice. Mostly, I just needed someone to listen.
But this time, he spoke.
"I think we need to stop this before it gets too deep, Olivia," Sitting on my porch, I encircled my rotund stomach with my arms and neither of us said anything for a long time. I know I should have been thinking about some kind of solution, but something inside of me was saying to just... stay with Gerard. He might be getting obsessed, but at least he wasn't abandoning me. I didn't want to abandon him. I voiced all these thoughts to Mikey, and he sighed and circled an arm around my shoulders.
"I've never seen him like this before, Olivia. I don't like it. I know you don't want to be another girl to ditch him but... maybe there's some other reason they left. Maybe this is why. Maybe they saw this from him earlier than you had, and made the decision to leave. Juno's noticed it, all us guys have noticed it. We didn't want to say anything because we thought you were happy, but... you're not, are you?"
"I'm scared, Mikey," was the only thing I said, and he nodded with understanding.
"We are, too."
I didn't want to talk to Gerard about this. I knew it wouldn't end well. I don't think I could come to love him, not like this. It would be forced, I don't think I could be happy in the end.
I called Gerard and told him that he needed to come to my house, and that I had to talk to him. He sounded so happy over the phone, and I felt like the worst bitch in the universe. Even more so while I waited on my front porch for him to pull into my driveway.
He arrived in record time, and greeted me with a broad smile when he climbed out of his car. He cut across my lawn to the front door, and I almost abandoned my resolve to let him continue all of this.
Shakily, I took some deep breaths, and near tears I called to him halfway across the yard.
"Gerard, it's not working out."
Things were back to how they used to be, for the most part. Gerard wasn't drinking - at least that I knew of - and he was being doting and loving as he had been after he first proposed.
Months flew by so fast. I was nearing the end of my seventh now, my hormones were raging and I wanted to blame my apprehensiveness with Gerard on them, but I knew that wasn't it. Now that I saw what was going on, I could see the pattern through our whole relationship.
He was... too attached. It wasn't healthy for either of us, really. He wouldn't go anywhere without me. Often I'd find myself at his job with him, watching as he met with producers, merchandising companies, and the like. I wasn't supposed to be there, he didn't need me there, but I knew that his growing desperation to keep me around was the driving force behind everything.
I didn't voice my thoughts to Juno. I didn't say anything to Frank. The only person I talked to about Gerard anymore, was Mikey. He simply listened to everything I had to say, and would sometimes give me advice. Mostly, I just needed someone to listen.
But this time, he spoke.
"I think we need to stop this before it gets too deep, Olivia," Sitting on my porch, I encircled my rotund stomach with my arms and neither of us said anything for a long time. I know I should have been thinking about some kind of solution, but something inside of me was saying to just... stay with Gerard. He might be getting obsessed, but at least he wasn't abandoning me. I didn't want to abandon him. I voiced all these thoughts to Mikey, and he sighed and circled an arm around my shoulders.
"I've never seen him like this before, Olivia. I don't like it. I know you don't want to be another girl to ditch him but... maybe there's some other reason they left. Maybe this is why. Maybe they saw this from him earlier than you had, and made the decision to leave. Juno's noticed it, all us guys have noticed it. We didn't want to say anything because we thought you were happy, but... you're not, are you?"
"I'm scared, Mikey," was the only thing I said, and he nodded with understanding.
"We are, too."
I didn't want to talk to Gerard about this. I knew it wouldn't end well. I don't think I could come to love him, not like this. It would be forced, I don't think I could be happy in the end.
I called Gerard and told him that he needed to come to my house, and that I had to talk to him. He sounded so happy over the phone, and I felt like the worst bitch in the universe. Even more so while I waited on my front porch for him to pull into my driveway.
He arrived in record time, and greeted me with a broad smile when he climbed out of his car. He cut across my lawn to the front door, and I almost abandoned my resolve to let him continue all of this.
Shakily, I took some deep breaths, and near tears I called to him halfway across the yard.
"Gerard, it's not working out."
I enjoyed reading your story. Thank you for writing it.
12/8/17