Oh fuck!

I jumped up, nearly falling flat on my face, but managing to stay up and stumbling all the way to my closet where I ripped open the already half open doors. At the bottom was a pile, more like a mountain, of clothes – I guess I should probably wash them more often. I pulled out a shirt that didn’t look dirty or smell too bad and pulled it over my head. A pair of jeans hung from a drawer and I pulled them on, running out the door. I ran down the street, briefly stopping at the corner to pick a hand full of flowers from a nearby garden. I practically ran all the way to Sarah’s apartment and took the stairs two at a time. Just as I reached her floor, she came out of her apartment.

“Shit, I’m sorry I’m late,” I gasped breathlessly.

“You’re just in time.”

I held the flowers out to her still heaving for air. “For your table.”

Sarah smiled, “That’s very sweet of you. I’ll be right back.”

She disappeared into her apartment, giving me a few seconds to catch my breath. I pressed one hand against the wall for support and tiredly hung my head. One day I was definitely going to pass out from running with a hangover every morning. Why couldn’t I set an alarm like a normal person and wake up on time. Oh, right, because I got home drunk every night – actually morning – and I barely ever woke up at the sound of my alarm clock going off anyway. Then I always woke with a start and had to run my lungs out to not be late. Sarah reappeared a few minutes later.

“Ready to go?” she asked and I nodded. “Are you okay?” She asked, looking at me somewhat worriedly.

I breathed in deeply. “Yes, I’m fine. I was just in such a hurry to get here on time now I’m completely out of breath.”

“Are you sure that’s it?”

I nodded. “Promise.” I hoped that was convincing enough. Of course she would be able to tell how out of it I was. I most likely looked quite a state, not having had a chance to brush my hair or even look in a mirror. Chances were I smelled like a distillery as well.

Why did I have to go and ask to walk her to work? This wasn’t freakin’ high school. I should leave my school boy crushes back in the past. Mornings were never a good time for me.

We arrived at work just in time. Actually, it was probably the earliest I’ve been in months. Sarah smiled at me, thanking me for the flowers and the walk, before heading for her own cubicle. I sat down in mine with a sigh. All that running helped me get over my hangover, but it also showed me how out of shape I was. It was a short distance, but I was exhausted. There was nothing I would have liked more at that moment than to crawl back into bed and stay there all day. A drink would also suffice.

I pulled a blank page closer and started drawing. I wasn’t really concentrating on what I was doing. My eyes simply followed the automatic movements of my hand as the pencil glided smoothly across the paper. When the picture was finished I frowned at it. I had drawn a girl. She had sad eyes and short black hair. I was probably still a little hung over, but then again, I never drew anything bright and happy. I put the picture in my drawer and closed it before pulling my work closer and starting on it.

The drawing still bothered me. There was so much detail in every feature of the woman, especially the eyes, you would’ve sworn that I had studied her face for hours or at least that she’d been sitting in front of me while I drew her sketch. Yet, I had no idea who she was. I had no recollection of ever meeting anyone who looked like that. I shrugged the thoughts away, because thinking about the drawing all day was not going to help me finish my work.

***

Friday came a lot sooner than expected and it was time for the party. Sarah and I left for her brother’s house right after work. We took the train to Hoboken, New Jersey and walked the short distance from the station to his house. Upon reaching our destination, Sarah just walked in without knocking and I followed without hesitation.

“Quinn?” she called out and her brother immediately came in from another room with a warm smile on his face.

She returned the smile and hugged her brother, a lanky bleach-blonde male with slight stubble. I’ve only seen the guy once or twice and wouldn’t consider us to be friends, but we got along fine. Bert was already there and he looked genuinely happy to see me.

“Another familiar face!” he beamed, walking over to greet me. “You didn’t tell me you were coming.”

“I didn’t know you were going to be here either,” I admitted. “Otherwise I would have. I have to say that I’m glad I’m not the only stranger here.”

“What the hell are you talking about? You know Quinn and you know Sarah too.”

“Great. I’m at a party and I only know two people,” I muttered sarcastically and he chuckled. “Now you know three.”

“Come help me get us drinks in the kitchen,” Quinn said to Sarah and they left the room.

Bert headed for the front door. “I’m going to take a smoke. Are you coming?”

“Yeah, I haven’t had a cigarette since four.” To the average person two hours might not have been that long, but when you were addicted to practically everything like I was, then it was fucking forever. My bloodstream lacked three things at that point in time: caffeine, nicotine and alcohol.

“You like Sarah?” he asked with a smile.

I shrugged noncommittally. I didn’t want to admit anything just yet, because I was afraid that Bert would run his mouth, especially after he surely got drunk later that night. Besides, it didn’t matter even if I did. Sarah was so much better than me and I would never be good enough for her. There was no point in pining after someone I could never have. She had her ways and I had mine. That wasn’t about to change for either of us.

“You never told me that the girl taking up all your attention lately was Quinn’s sister. Well?”

“Well, what?” I asked acting stupid.

“Have you asked her out yet?” he demanded impatiently, blowing out a cloud of smoke.

I shook my head, “No, I told you that I didn’t want her to get involved with me.”

“Oh, come on. She’s a big girl. She can take care of herself,” Bert stated, handing me a cigarette. “I think you really like her. I can tell. Just tell her the truth and if she’s willing to take a chance then go for it. You deserve to be happy for a change,” he said seriously. “What else are you going to do, distance yourself from women for the rest of your life simply because you have issues? Seriously, we all love you. Sarah would be stupid not to do the same.”

I sighed deeply. Bert had a point, but that didn’t change anything. Sarah was sweet and I didn’t want to do anything to change that.

“I’ll tell her.” I lied.

“Tell her now.”

I stumped out my half smoked cigarette with another exaggerated sigh and headed back into the house. I stopped outside the kitchen when I heard Sarah and Quinn talking. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but listened nonetheless.

Quinn’s voice was the first to reach my ears. “How do you know Gerard?”

“We work together. He’s a co-artist, if I can put it like that,” she chuckled. “We’ve been spending a bit of time together and it’s been fun so far. He’s a very interesting person and really smart.”

“How well do you actually know this guy?” Quinn asked her.

“Well, he has the same job as I do and he’s nice…” she started.

“But that’s all you really know right? Look, all I’m saying is that you should be careful.”

“Quinn, relax. I know him and I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about. He’s a good person.”

“He’s friends with Bert. That should give you a bit of an idea about him.”

“You can’t judge someone by his or her friends,” she disagreed with her brother.

“No, you can’t,” he conceded. “But you can’t ignore the type of people they hang out with either. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think you should ask him about it. You trust people easily.”

“You’re friends with Bert too.” I could tell by the subtle change in her voice that she was upset. “What am I supposed to do, cut you out of my life as you seem to expect me to do with Gerard?”

“Of course not. I just want you to be careful. I think you’ve got Gerard up on some undeserved pedestal. He’s not who you think he is, Sis.”

There was a long silence and then I heard footsteps coming towards the door. I quickly retraced my steps and pretended to have just come in.

“There you are.” I acted as if I had been coming to look for her.

Sarah smiled faintly at me, but her eyes didn’t meet mine.

“Look, Sarah, there’s something I have to tell you…” I started, realizing that Bert was right, I should man up and ask her out. First I have to tell her the truth.

Just then Bert came in the front door with a couple of other guys. As they came in, my chance to finally tell Sarah who I really was went out the door.

“Later,” she said and smiled sincerely. She left the room after that and Bert proceeded to introduce me to everyone.

The rest of the night went by in a blur. There were a lot of people, most of whom I didn’t know. Sarah was pretty much playing hostess, making sure that there was always enough to eat and drink. This resulted in the two of us barely spending any time together. Ultimately, I had to keep myself entertained.

My plan was to behave and stay as far away from alcohol as possible, but of course that was wishful thinking. Plan B was to drink in moderate capacities only. I wasn’t here to get drunk. I was here as Sarah’s guest and naturally I didn’t want her to find out about my bad habits by letting her see and experience them first hand. That kite didn’t fly either.

The people at the party were no first timers and weren’t sticking to the cheap stuff either. At one point I joined a group outside and they offered me a smoke. I knew they were not smoking cigarettes either.

“Pot,” the guy grinned as I took a deep drag. “The good stuff.” And it definitely was the best I’ve smoked in a long time.

Let’s not forget the brilliant idea I had when I joined a group of guys using cocaine. My life really truly was fucked up.

I don’t remember much about the rest of the night. The last thing I remember was lying down on the couch and thinking about Sarah.

***

“Gerard,” someone quietly spoke, shaking my shoulder. “Gerard, open your eyes.”

With great effort I opened them, but the world was spinning so much that I immediately closed them again. I was pulled up into a sitting position.

“Can you help me a little here?” the female voice asked someone.

I felt my body get lifted up and be supported on both sides. My feet seemed to drag along behind me. They helped me into what I assumed was a cab. Before the door closed I heard them talking.

“Do things always end like this?”

“No, but there were a few party crashers...”

My hearing somewhat abandoned me for a few minutes and I missed the rest of the sentence.

“I don’t think…” It was Sarah’s voice, but at that moment the car door was closed.

When the cab stopped in front of my apartment building, I fell out the door, getting sick all over the pavement. I dragged myself into the elevator and finally towards my apartment. It took forever to find my keys, but eventually I was inside. I headed straight for the bathroom. I felt like crap. Something I took in tonight didn’t work well with my system. With that thought, I got sick all over again. I must’ve blacked out after that, because I don’t remember anything else.

Notes