I'm not Okay

Christmas. Man I think I’m the only one alive who says they hate Christmas. We go on class mass daily in the last week of school which is really fucking stupid because it takes place at lunch instead of interrupting classes and I only get to see Frank before and after school.
The random dotting of Christmas trees around the school is really beginning to piss me off too. I walked into one strategically placed around a corner from the cafeteria so that I ended up with a mouth full of fir to ruin the taste of my lunch then after. I can still taste the tree as I walk towards church.
The worst thing about the “holiday season” has to be the exams. I sit them all in a single, stuffy classroom surrounded by my class who are all doing different subjects. French is surprisingly easy, which is terrifying because that means I must be doing something very wrong. Maths is hard as ever. All of them are pretty difficult to be honest except for art. If I don’t get an A in that I’ll probably just give up.
“I can’t believe you’ll be gone for two weeks,” Frank sighs next to me as I stuff the last of my books into my locker.
“I know,” I say, kicking my copy of Macbeth into the back of the locker. Frank winces at my disrespect of the literature. “I wish I could see you on Christmas.”
“I’ll be so bored without you,” he says. “And lonely. I don’t think I have anything to even say to those people down there, none of them like me.”
“You’re a great guy why wouldn’t they like you?” I say smiling down at him.
He rolls his eyes and then pulls my head down to kiss me. I kiss back for a minute and then pull away, “there’s a window over the car park there.”
“No one will see,” he says exasperatedly, pulling me back in for another kiss.
“Frank!”
“Five minutes in that room,” he points to our physics room, “and then you can go and enjoy the festivities without me.”
“I never enjoy the festivities,” I complain following him into the class.
“Fuck off at least you can still eat, I miss food,” and with that he pulls me over to a desk.

My mom tries to get me to go to confession before Christmas. “It will be good for your soul,” she says. There’s just another thing to ask Frank, is confession good for your soul. Probably not. It’s December twenty second, and we’re standing, freezing outside of the church. Mikey is currently in under confession. I don’t even know what he could confess to. “Father I have drank vodka and I am but sixteen,” or maybe “Father I have fallen prey to the sin of lust by fucking my girlfriend”. All of that is stuff that could “damage his soul” in the eyes of the church but it’s nothing that he would ever admit to. It took me ages to get it out of him myself.
“Can we at least go inside?” I say to my mom as I shiver.
“Will you do confession?”
“Yea, sure,” I will do anything to stop shivering,
I try compile a list of my sins. I have so many but none that I’m really up for sharing with some sixty year old priest. Sorry that I like guys, sorry that I went into the land of the dead, sorry that I got a hand job off a soul, sorry I like vodka, sorry I smoke cigarettes, sorry I’m a lazy ass, sorry I don’t pay attention in school, sorry that I suck at everything, sorry that I’m just not that religious… at all. Okay maybe I can make them milder.
By the time it’s my turn I’ve vaguely decided what I’m going to say. “Hi Father,” I begin into the black curtain.
“Hello.”
“Father I wish to confess my sins and pay the due penance for what I have done,” I begin. “I fear that I may have committed three of the deadly sins. I am shamefully lustful, as are many my age, and I rue it so.” Bullshit I love it. “I have fallen prey to sloth and loathingly been left behind in my studies. I have also been glutinous in the run up now to the feast of Christmas.”
I listed out my sins for a much shorter length of time than Mikey. My mom looks disappointed when I come out but not completely sour. We kneel then in the church and I get a head start on all the Hail Marys I have to do while my mom confesses her sins. Mikey and I race while saying them.

Mikey attends a Christmas party at Jack’s house a few days after Christmas. I was invited too but didn’t go, as usual. Mikey is full of gossip when he returns and I listen to it all as he recaps the “who made out with who” and the “who was drunkest” stories. Apparently Jack and Alex got extraordinarily drunk and were about to fuck in the kitchen when Mikey had to draw them apart and bring them upstairs into Jack’s room. Jack was then found sitting on the step at the top of the stairs with his head in his hands. Still incredibly drunk he confessed to Mikey, “I didn’t use protection what if I get Alex pregnant! Or worse what if he gets me pregnant.” And Mikey had to spend a half hour trying to convince him that that couldn’t happen.
My parents are going out to some mountain spa thing for New Year’s so a New Year’s party is quickly arranged for our house. Again Jack and Alex get to work straight away. Refining the guest list with Mikey in my kitchen I hear Alex exclaim, “no way! I don’t care if they’re popular and will bring lots of booze, they will be dicks to Gerard!” I smile meekly at this.
The party is set for New Year’s Eve and will continue into the New Year so that they can have the whole countdown thing and the kissing into the New Year. Blah blah I won’t be leaving my room.
The guests begin to arrive at eight o’clock and the heavy drinking commences shortly after. Alex slips me a bottle of fat frog at half past. Stupidly I drink it all while alone in my room and by nine the bottle is empty and my brain is very fuzzy. Jack knocks on my door and I let him and Alex in. We do a load of quick shots before I realise what I’m doing.
Those shots were a very big mistake.
With my sense completely lost I agree to Jack and Alex bringing me from my room and into the party. I know a lot of people here. But then again I don’t.
“Gerard?” someone says behind me. I do an unsteady one eighty turn on my heels to face Carla.
“Howdy,” I say before hiccupping. “Welcome to my home.”
“I did not expect to see you here,” she says. I don’t think, by her pronunciation, that she is very drunk.
“Don’t be dumb,” I smile, “this is my house too.”
“Yea, I know. I’ve been to parties here before but your always in your room.”
“Jack and Alex made me leave,” I say throwing my arm in the direction of the two boys. Alex is taking shots balanced on Jack’s stomach. When Alex says something between two shots, Jack starts laughing, spilling supermarket vodka all over himself.
“Okay…” Carla says looking past me. “Want to go get a drink. I’ve only had two shots and a cup of god knows what and am way too sober to deal with certain people.” She tosses a glance at some girls flirting with some guys in a corner.
“Sure!” I say and we walk off to my kitchen where some kids from a different school are taking pills. I pay no attention to them and grab a beer from the cooler.
“Want to finish this with me?” Carla says holding up a bottle of vodka. There seems to be only a little actually taken from it.
“Sure!” I say again.
“Drunk you is incredibly enthusiastic,” she says with a dry smile.
We go into my utility and sit down by the washing machine. The room is dark and we don’t turn the light on. We pass the bottle back and forth for a while. When we’re about half way through Carla stops herself and starts digging around in her pockets. “Better roll this before I get too drunk,” she says pulling papers and packets from her pocket.
I keep drinking the vodka until I can barely see what she’s doing. I put down the bottle between my legs and stare at her as she lights the twisted ends of whatever she just rolled. “What’s in that?” I slur.
She takes a pull and passes it to me, “hash and tobacco. Want a drag?” she breathes out. We pass that back and forth. It burns my throat, but so did the vodka and I’m beyond caring. When both the bottle and the joint are finished we lie back against my washing machine. You will remember this in the morning I tell myself forcefully. I don’t want to be one of those people who get drunk and forget everything. And I don’t want to forget Carla’s being nice to me.
“Gerard,” she says after a while. I turn to face her and she puts a hand on my neck before kissing me. Her mouth tastes like vodka, smoke and cherry lipstick
I kiss her back for a minute before I realise what I’m doing. “Nooooo,” I slur quietly, making her draw back. “Not good. Bad in fact.”
“Shit,” she says straightening and dropping her arm back to her side. “What’s wrong?”
“I have… a person. And I can’t be kissing you if I have a person because fertility? That’s not the word… fidelity? Fi… I dunno…” I have no idea how anyone could make sense of that.
“Ah,” she says and pats my knee, “I didn’t count on you having a boyfriend, sorry.”
“It’s okey dokey,” I reply. We sit on my utility floor for another while anyway.

I begrudgingly walk up the icy steps into my school. January is freezing here. Nothing but ice covering everything. Mikey walks up frozen behind me. The last few days of the holidays were horrible. I got a shit ton of anonymous messages suggesting New Year’s resolutions for me. Stop being gay/stop being a faggot being the top choices. Closely followed by stop being an emo and stop breathing.
Also my parents found out about the party from the neighbours who were almost going to call the police. Also there was a bottle of Jack hidden in my dad’s Sunday coat pocket.
So Mikey and I got in a lot of shit for that. Also my mom caught me smoking again. And my beautiful report card came, elegantly decorated in Ds, Es and one F. The best grade I got was an A in art but my parents don’t consider that a real subject. Worse than them being pissed off with me they’re blaming themselves. They think that they, as parents, have failed to make me give a shit about school. I guess I’m just the kid who fails at everything.
Literally all the worst things imaginable added up to a miserable few days.
The second I step in the door I get shoved hard from the side and land awkwardly half in the trash can nearby. I don’t even get to see who did it. I don’t care it could be anyone. Mikey helps me up and I walk through the school awkwardly.
Frank isn’t there before class. My teachers are all very angry with my lack of care. They all think I am a failure of a student and I guess they’re right.
At lunch I skip getting food and run straight to the physics room. Between two classes earlier Carla caught me and said that people were trying to convince the principal to expel me based on religion. Saying that this was a catholic school and that I break a prominent religious rule. Apparently he is considering it. Carla says he won’t but that’s not the point.
Frank is thankfully in the physics room when I get there. “Hey! How was Christmas?” he chirps when I enter.
I drop my school bag and fall to the floor, bursting into tears. “I want to die Frank. I want to leave here behind and die.”

Notes

Hi guys :) guess who managed to do an unthinkable amount of algebra today without crying! It took ages but it was kind of easy, that's what's making me think i did something very wrong...
Anyway, thank you very much for reading guys :)) let me know what you think and i'll update as soon as i can