gerard
I don't normally pace, I smoke. And then I drink. But I was pacing back and forth on the hard floors of my parent's basement.

Whatever possessed me to do so rather than poison myself, I couldn't understand. Nothing seemed satisfactory in that moment, so all I did was walk.

Left. Right. Left. Right.

My bare heels hit the floor, and I was lost in thought. I thought about how many people had gotten our new song since we had put it up for free. I thought about the shows that we were going to play. I thought about my art. I thought about the Twin Towers. I thought about thinking. I thought about Jessie.

When my mind landed on her, which didn't take long, I remembered the first time I really looked at her, back at the studio. Her dark eyes were wide, but not scared. More intrigued. She had been having a conversation with the other guys and I had interrupted them, then proceeded to read the lyrics that I wrote on a train. She hadn't done anything to me.

But she had. She confused me. She made me want to look at her all the time, to know more about her, to touch her skin with my own and know that someone so beautiful was real.

I felt too mundane next to her. She didn't look like a goddess, but she was one. She was kind and forgiving even to the the people who didn't deserve it. The way she talked--so softly, so eloquently--made me desperate to hear more. Anything.

And that night when her dumb friends had invaded a nice evening was particularly bothersome to me; I had kissed her, and even though it wasn't on the mouth, I still did it. I hadn't seen what her reaction was. I had turned away too soon. Too soon to see if her expression held any requited feelings for me.

Is that what I had? Feelings? Because I had felt things before for other girls; I had longed over them and prayed for some kind of spark, but nothing was like this. Jessie was almost like a warmth that you don't notice, but when it's away, you begin to freeze.

I stopped pacing, noticing that my heart rate had sped up exponentially. I sat down and tried to clear my head, but Mikey came downstairs and disrupted.

"Hey, bro, what's up?" Mikey asked, almost stunned to see me in my own house. He looked at me and worry washed over his face. "You okay?"

I didn't want to tell him anything, but in my experience, confession had always helped alleviate pain. Naturally, I denied most things I had problems with, but opening up to my brother when my head was so full of confusion was suddenly very appealing. "If I tell you something, can you promise not to tell anyone else?"

Mikey crossed his arms and the expression on his face deepened. "Yeah, of course." Sitting down on the love seat next to me, he nodded, as if to give me the clear for confiding in him.
"It's about Jessie." His mouth tightened, probably expecting some rude remark from me. "No, it's not like that. Mikey, I, I think she's great. She's a good kid, but I also think a lot more of her."

My brother's face softened and he nodded slowly as he began realize what I meant. I wasn't exactly sure how to word anything else after that, but I kept talking. "She's always on my mind. My stomach's in knots whenever we talk. I want to be around her, I want to--"

"Be with her?" Mikey finished, and I nodded, keeping my head down. He knew everything about me, from my stupid quirks to my deepest secrets, and knowing so much made him able to understand. "I get it. She's a cool chick. I don't know what else to say because, well, it's not likely much will happen. You steal a few glances at her, she blushes and bats her eyelashes, then what? A relationship isn't going to happen, Gerard. She's Frank's cousin, let alone the fact she's not even a legal adult. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's what you need." Mikey put a supportive hand on my back.

Disgruntled by the word 'chick' again and slapped in the face by the truth of my brother's words, I could only look down in shame. Shame for feeling what I did when it was all pointless. I felt so petty, having a schoolgirl crush on a person that was eight years younger than me. But something in it all felt different; it felt like there was a part of me than was drawn to her, a force I couldn't control of I tried. And believe me, I tried. "Thanks for the pep talk, Mikes," I said, crestfallen.

"C'mon, man. It's what you need to hear. Plus, she won't be around forever. You know that." He stood and put a hand on my shoulder. "I have to go. But I'll catch you later, okay man? Keep your chin up."

He left me alone, but it was only then that his words sunk in. She won't be around forever. What did that mean? I thought she replaced Matt. I thought she was going to stay.

jessie
"Ready?!" Aunt Linda called from downstairs.

I gave myself a once-over in the mirror. My dark hair was pulled up in a high ponytail, my long bangs framing the sides of my face and hiding the short scar by my ear. My black skirt was cut scandalously above my knees and a green scarf wrapped tight around my neck fell onto a purple shirt. I wore no makeup--I hardly ever did--but I began to consider putting on some of Aunt Linda's mascara. That couldn't hurt, but I wouldn't know where to start. "Coming!" I responded without changing anything about my appearance and met her downstairs.

She was dressed in simple clothes, blue jeans and a flowing shirt. "Ready, Jessie?" I smiled and nodded, grabbing her keys.

"Want me to drive?" I asked, knowing full and well that my aunt hated long trips, even if this one was only two hours.

She smiled graciously. "Would you?"

"Of course," I replied. I got into her small car with her and we hit the road.

A few hours later, I pulled into a parking garage close to my future college. I had toured the campus before, but this was the last time I was able to do so before moving in.

The architecture was just as beautiful as I had remembered it. The sidewalks were littered with people of all different shapes, sizes, and ethnicities. The tour guide was friendly, as were the students, but something was missing. I didn't feel like I belonged. I knew I was only a daytime visitor, but I couldn't imagine myself living there, being tied down, stuck in a competitive system similar to the one I had already grown accustomed to. I didn't want that just yet; I didn't want to continue with what I had been so soon. I wanted a bit of a break. A taste of freedom, if you will.

In the car ride back, once the day was done and the sun began to set, I kept my eyes focused on the interstate but said to my aunt, "Do you think I could take a gap year?"

I could see that she looked shocked. "Why would you want to do that, sweetie?"

I sighed. "I don't know. I'd like to learn to take care of myself before jumping into such a prestegious college. Maybe get a job." I knew the last bit would please Aunt Linda. She had been a hardworking woman from the day Frank's father left, and then when she had me to take care of as well, it only doubled her responsibility. A single guardian of two and an unskilled woman in the workforce only toughened her up and opened her eyes to the benefits of fending for yourself.

"If that's what you want to do, I fully support it. But I don't want you running around with friends--yours or Frank's--and partying everything you have down the drain." She couldn't contain her laughter for more than a few seconds, and neither could I. We both knew that that was the last thing I'd do.

I chuckled, "And I'll get pregnant, too. Then I'll lose my scholarship and live with you until I'm thirty." I didn't want to say like Frank, because he actually had some hope of getting out of this town. Aunt Linda smiled and patted me on the knee. She told me that she loved me, a favor which I returned, and we drove the rest of the way home.

********

As soon as we got in the house, I switched her keys in my hand for my own. My aunt looked confused and asked me where I was headed.

"Frank wanted me to join him at Ray's house. Something about a dinner," I said.

She appeared less puzzled. "It's already eight. When will you be back?"

"I'm not sure, eleven, maybe?"

Aunt Linda pursed her lips but agreed. "Stay safe, Jessie. I don't know these boys well. The one that Frank's always with especially makes me nervous." I kissed her on the cheek and assured her that they were fine. After a goodbye, I was back in the car and headed to Ray's.

gerard
I checked the clock in the living room. It was 8:09. "Frank, didn't you say that Jessie was gonna be here?" I asked. Mikey gave me a sideways glance.

Frank leaned back in his chair. "Yeah, man, but she's getting back pretty late. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't show up at all."

I internally hoped that wasn't true. It had been a while since I saw her, and that's all I wanted to do. We had finished dinner, pizza in place of a casserole Mikey had attempted to make. He hadn't cooked a day in his life, and I warned him that it may not be the best idea to try that, but he gave me a smirk and returned with a burnt dish.

Someone knocked on the door a few minutes later, and I stood up suspiciously quickly at the sound. "I'll get it," I said before anyone else could, even though I was on the far side from the living room entrance. Mikey gave me another look, this one asking if what I had just done was smart.

Regardless, I opened the door for Jessie. A wave of midsummer heat flooded in. I smiled down at her, and she raised her eyebrows. "Come in," I offered. She nodded and thanked me. "You okay?"

"What? Yeah, I'm good. Just tired," she said. She followed me back into the next room where everyone else was and took a seat on an empty armchair. She wished Ray a happy birthday.

"Did you just get home?" Frank asked, apparently happy that his cousin was here. Jessie nodded. "Did Mom make you drive?"

"No," she said sleepily. "I offered. But it just made me all the more exhausted."

I knew she had taken a day trip, but I wasn't sure where. "Where did you go?" I wondered, trying to not sound too inquisitive.

"Yale. I had a tour of the dorms and dining halls before I move in," she responded.

This was news to me. Since when was she going to Yale? It probably shouldn't have surprised me as much. She had been valedictorian, so it only made sense that she went to such a great college. "Wow," I said. The conversation continued on, going in a different direction than Jessie, but I couldn't help but be stuck on her answer. That's what Mikey must have meant when he said that she wasn't going to be around forever. I didn't even think of college, but when I was her age, that's all I thought about. Frank and Mikey both being close to her age and being involved in the band instead of school must have taken my mind off of it.

I hadn't realized I hadn't taken my eyes off of her until Mikey nudged my shoulder and said under his breath, "You're staring." I swallowed thickly and averted my gaze. As much as I wanted to, I didn't look at her for the entire rest of the evening.

We had been talking so long that it was already ten. Ray stood up and announced that he had to go. We all told him to have a happy birthday. Frank and Jessie did the same not long after. Once the room cleared, Mikey said to me, "It must be pretty bad."

Understanding what he meant, I agreed. I noticed a purse that rested on the armchair. "She left her bag," I said flatly.

"Well you better go give it to her," Mikey said. I fetched the purse and strode to the front door, nearly running into Jessie on the front porch.

She backed away, cautious of where she was in the dark. "I, uh, left my--"

"Bag?" I finished and handed it to her.
"Yeah," she said, taking it. "Thanks." She began to walk away, but I stopped her.

"Hey, I, uh, just wanted to say that I'm sorry for being kind of a jerk," I apologized. I had been meaning to tell her this, but not now. She was tired and about to go home. That didn't prevent me from talking, though. "You're really kind and funny and I make judgements too easily. I should have never said anything remotely rude to you."

She cocked her head and looked at me for a minute before shaking her head in disagreement. "You're not a jerk. You may have felt like you were threatened by me, someone a lot younger than you, doing the same kind of thing you were. It's okay." She glanced down and smiled. "Being the dork I was, I was in band as a percussionist. I was the top of my class and one of the better players in the school, even my first year. My sophomore year, there was a freshman that came in, and he was more talented than me or any upperclassman. I felt rivaled and almost hated him for being great at what he did, but he was actually one of the best people I've ever met. He ended up being my first boyfriend, even." Jessie chuckled.

That must have been the boy in the picture when I broke the frame. But she was right about how I had initially felt about her. "You hit the head on the nail," I said. "But does this mean we're going to date?" We both smiled.

"I think you're a bit too old for me," she laughed. "Goodnight, Gerard." She winked playfully. Hearing her say my name hatched butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

"Goodnight, Jessie," I replied, doing my best not to melt. She walked away, and when I was out of her field of vision, I put a hand to my chest. My heart was racing.

Notes

Another chapter :)

I think this may be the last update this week, but I honestly don't know for sure.

If you want to, please vote, comment, or tell me what you think! I love hearing it c:

xoxo
gerweird