...Gerard hid his face in his hands, slightly leaning forward and letting a groan escape his lips. His heart ached, sending sharp, burning pain into his whole body. He felt weak.

Once again, Gerard wasn’t the one who was making Frank laugh.

Gerard’s POV

I didn’t want to move my hands away from my face, and I wasn’t going to. I felt a huge, painful lump in my throat and my eyes were stinging, tears slowly starting to gather. I smeared them with the insides of my palms, feeling my cheeks get wet. I licked my dry, chapped lips- they felt salty.

I just wanted to let the tears flow, but I knew I had to keep it in - if I cried, I’d probably get a cute nickname, like “gayboy” or my all-time favourite - ”fag”. You know what they say, classics are always the best.

I just love those, really fucking adorable.

I gulped heavily, trying to keep in a sob which was about to escape me, and concentrated on the blackness of my palms. I breathed quietly, trying to get an even rhythm.

I wasn’t crying because my sympathy towards a counselor wasn’t returned; it was because the whole day has been crap since the very moment I woke up. To be exact - since the moment I realised that today was the day I was going to camp. Mom also got mad at me right before I left, and I hardly got to say “I’m sorry” or even a simple “bye”. I felt like shit and really, really guilty.

I was overfull with all the happenings of the day, and just mentally exhausted; completely worn out and extra sensitive; alert. All the emotions, disappointments and stress of the day had been building up inside of me ever since I left my house, and were now spilling out. Frank completely ignoring my presence was the last drop.

My heart was tearing into pieces, and I couldn’t stop it.

Even mom says it's too easy to hurt me, and that I should calm the fuck down or one day I’ll end up in a mental institution. Not as a doctor, though.

The lump, which has been gone for about a minute, suddenly came back, urgently pressing into my throat. I lost my breath and felt my chin shake with the upcoming tears.

Get your shit together, Gerard.

I mentally slapped myself, pressing my face more into my palms, wondering if it’s possible to commit suicide by holding your breath or blocking your nose. No one would even notice at first- they’d just think I’ve fallen asleep.

I was angry at myself for being who I was. Sometimes I truly wished I was ever born. I wondered what it would be like if my mom got abortion. Would she be happy without me bothering her? If I asked her about it now, she would probably say no, but that’s not completely true. She thinks that she wouldn’t be happy if I was never there, but what she means is that she wouldn’t be happy if she suddenly lost me after all the 17 years I’ve been around. How can she judge what her life would be like without a child if she never had the experience? Maybe she would be famous now, who knows; she always told me how much she loved acting. Maybe I’ve always been the only one to get in her way; a burden which was to be on her shoulders forever.

It would have been better for both of us if I suddenly died, I bet.

Is this really my destiny, being a fucking loser? Crying because I’m “tired”? I need to train my willpower.

“Hey man, you okay?” I suddenly heard a sharp voice ring in the distance, and someone pinched my shoulder, their nails digging into my skin. I flinched, quickly tearing my face away from my palms, squinting my eyes shut as bright sunlight hit me. I quietly groaned, wrinkling my nose. Why can’t they just let me alone with my thoughts? When I got more or less used to the sun, I finally opened my eyes to see what I didn’t want to see at all - Frank’s intense, concerned gaze fixed on me, his honey eyes running over me. Everyone fell quiet, and all attention was turned to me. Frank’s eyebrows were furrowed and his lips straight, just slightly crooked, as if he was trying to decide something. I wished I could just disappear, fall straight through the ground into hell- anything but this. It was too embarrassing to bear. At least I wasn’t crying, which once again proves that no matter how bad it is, it could always be worse.

“What are you doing? Is everything okay?” he repeated again, and now I was sure he was addressing me. I quickly needed to make something up, and my mind started racing, thinking of a good lie.

talking to dead people
doing mental voodoo on all of you
making contact with aliens
imagining what hell is like
giving birth
math homework
remembering how I killed that one guy


“I… uh, I just… I’m just tired, that’s it,” I finally stuttered out, lowering my gaze to the grass. I felt my face heat up, and my hands were wet with sweat. “A bit sick, maybe, just slightly dizzy,”

“Oh shit, erm, I mean... oh shoot, your face is all red,” Frank gasped slightly, staring at me. Welcome to the world of social anxiety, Frankie; it’s called blushing when there’s no fucking reason to.

“It’s okay, really, I feel alright,” I tried to reassure him, managing a weak smile. I probably looked pathetic, because the counselor’s eyes widened in shock.

“God, don’t tell me this is sunstroke,” he whispered almost inaudibly, licking his now dry slightly cracked lips. He then quickly leaned forward, getting on all fours and did what I least expected him to- he crawled towards me through the grass, completely ignoring all other teens, his gaze fixed on me. What was seconds seemed like minutes, hours. My heart stopped as I stared in him in disbelief- what the hell was he doing?
Whatever it was, I wished he stopped- getting a boner to my counselor really wouldn’t benefit me.

I flinched, trying to move away from him, but he was already too close. My limbs felt numb, and my heart was sending off loud booms into my ears, almost making me deaf.

When he was less than a meter away from me, his hand suddenly landed on mine, keeping it in place as he reached his other arm out, softly landing his cold palm on my forehead.

Our gazes locked together, and I simply couldn’t find the energy or will to look away. I waited for his reaction, not making a sound. He looked completely emotionless as his eyes stared back into mine. I still wasn’t sure what the hell was going on, when suddenly I realised- he was measuring my temperature.

He’s only doing this because you are a camper, and he’s a counselor; this is his job

My stomach sank at the thought. I knew it was true, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I’m a camper, and he’s a counselor.

After several moments of silence he slowly removed his hand, sitting back. He then stood up slowly and stretched out his hand towards me, gesturing me to take it. I hesitated, looking up at him in confusion.

This feels like a fairytale, and I don’t want it to end. Even if it’s not what I think it is, it’s still great.

“‘Cmon,” he sighed, noticing my reaction. “Let’s get you to the nurse, just in case. I’ll walk you to the campus,”

“But I know the way- you have to walk past that bridge, turn right by the grocery store and-” I tried to protest.

“And what if you faint?” he interrupted me. Seems legit- I really feel like I could black out right now, and I’m not sure if it’s because of the sun or the memory of Frank crawling towards me.

Notes

sooo this happened) The next chapter is probably going to be my favourite

Yesterday I was thinking of a story idea and I made up something just really, really amazing. I was proud of myself the whole day long until I realised I basically made up Deathnote.

Happens.

Butttt this fanfic is doing so good I can't even asdfghj, which doesn't happen that often)
And I want it to be perfect, so I'd appreciate your feedback, even if it's negative

gerard_needs_to_chill