As Mr. Guide continues to talk about what he wants to accomplish with this small group exercise, I keep my eyes clenched shut and attempt to calm my brain. All I want is for this meeting to be over, but we’ve only been here about half an hour. How am I going to get through the next 90 minutes without passing out?

“You ok?”

I open my eyes to look at Gerard. His eyes are focused on mine, a little furrow in his forehead, and he looks truly concerned. There is a warmth there that I have rarely seen from others. Something so simple, that look, but for the first time in years I feel the promise of something more; something safe.

I can’t explain it, but in that instant my focus shifted. I was no longer thinking of how I would manage to get through the remaining group session. Instead, I wanted to spend the next 90 minutes looking at the two boys beside me. I wanted to talk to them, to hear them say my name. I wanted to know them.

“I’m good,” I sighed. “Surprisingly good.”

Gee’s returning smile is dazzling.

“Hey, don’t forget about me you two!”

I turn and look at Frank “Mr. Iero, I will most certainly not be forgetting about you any time soon.” I smile widely at him and notice a slight blush spread across his face. I look back at Gee and he is grinning like a fool.

These two boys, these enigmas. They look so dark and rough around the edges, but I can see that there is so much more under those chosen characters.

“That smile of yours Miss Evie….well, it’s a heartbreaker.”

It’s my turn to blush. No one had ever said anything like that to me in my life. And he called me Evie.

Mr. Guide’s voice cut through the fog at that point, directing us to take our ten minute break. I could see the relief on both Frank and Gee’s faces as they rose from their seats. Ah, they were smokers for sure.

“You wanna come out with us?” asked Frank. He was already starting towards the door, but Gee hesitated.

“I’ll stay in if you don’t want to go out,” he said. He looked sincere, but I knew that it wouldn’t be fair to ask that of him.

“I’ll tag along right behind you. I’m gonna stop by the bathroom first.” Gee bowed slightly and gave a little curtsey before he turned to join Frank at the door. They both winked at me before heading out, which was ridiculous, but it somehow made me feel good. Good, but unsure. This was confusing.

Instead of heading to the ladies room, I walked up to Mr. Guide and motioned towards the corner of the room. He followed me and when he got close enough I asked him the question that crossed my mind earlier after Gerard had first spoken to me.

“Did you tell Gerard or Frank anything about me?” I pressed.

“About my social anxiety or depression? Did you ask them to be in my group?”

He slowly shook his head. “No Eve, I did not. Those two have been part of various groups over the years, same as you, and while I did purposely put you three in this same group this session, I would never ask them to befriend you specifically and I never share details about group members without their express permission.”

I nod and he adds, “I think you three will mesh well though, so I am pleased you found your way together. I think you can learn a lot from each other. Perhaps you can help each other in ways you don’t quite yet understand.”

It was the longest conversation I had ever had with the man in three years. But it answered my questions and helped put my mind a little bit more at ease. I nodded again and turned to head out to find the boys.

It wasn’t hard, I just had to look for the biggest cloud of smoke on the block. Both Gee and Frank were already almost done with their first cigarette and Frank was already pulling out a second. I shook my head, chuckling a bit, and went over to them.

“You know those things will kill you one day?”

“I might kill me one day,” said Frank, “so I figure if that’s true, I am not going to deny myself the pleasure of my nicotine addiction.”

“Well said my friend,” said Gee.

I grinned. While I don’t smoke, it doesn’t bother me to be around it. And if I am being honest, seeing Frank pull a slow hit from his cigarette was fucking sexy. I was suddenly feeling a bit flushed so I looked at Gee. He was looking at Frank in almost the same way I was and it felt a bit rude to keep looking at him, so I looked down to study the cracks in the pavement.

“Hey, you should look up more. You have the most beautiful eyes. People should see them.”

I looked at Frank. “You’re insane.”

“No,” he said “I am not insane. A bit bi-polar, but not insane.” He smiled. “I know beauty when I see it, and you my dear are fucking gorgeous.”

“I agree,” added Gee.

I blushed and looked down at my shoes again. I wasn’t used to compliments from people, especially people I had barely known for an hour. I didn’t feel normal looking, let alone gorgeous.

My chest was starting to feel very heavy and I my head was buzzing. I thought I was ready for this, but I was wrong. I wasn’t. It was too much too soon.

The feeling to run away was creeping back over me so I turned to walk inside when Frank reached out and cupped his hand to my face.

I froze. No one has touched me before. I mean, not like this. The only touches my body has felt in the last six years had been unwelcome and from the hands of people holding me down before forcibly medicating me. In my brain, touch was directly associated with bad things. Touch meant downward spirals and rabbit holes. Touch was never a good thing.

I shifted my eyes to Frank. I saw my fear reflected in eyes, but he didn’t move his hand. He lifted his gaze to Gee, who moved closer to me and reached his hand out to grab mine.

I started to panic. My breathing stopped and my brain shut off. Instinctively I tried to pull away, but Gee’s grip on my hand tightened and Frank stepped closer to me blocking off my escape. I closed my eyes and felt the world starting to drift away.

I was overwhelmed. I wasn’t ready for this kind of contact and I couldn’t even manage to ask them to stop.

“Evie, don’t be scared, we aren’t going to hurt you. We would never hurt you. Trust us”

Gee was softly whispering in my ear and I could smell the lingering cigarette smoke on his hot breath. I shuddered and felt Frank lean in towards me. I opened my eyes just before his lips brushed mine, so softly I wasn’t sure they ever really made contact. I felt my body go limp and if it weren’t for Gee wrapping his arms around me, I would have crumpled to the ground.

Frank pulled back slowly, leaving his hand on my face, and leaned his head on Gee’s shoulder. The three of us stood like that for what seemed like hours before I finally regained some control over my body.

My anxiety was subsiding and the cold, clammy fear that I felt was quickly being replaced by a burning, intense anger.

“What the HELL was that?” I screamed at them. I struggled in Gee’s embrace trying to free myself and slapped away Frank’s hand. “Who the HELL do you think you are? You CAN NOT touch me like that!”

Gee’s hold loosened just enough that I managed to spin out of his arms, stumbling a few feet away from them. Franks face looked pained and Gee’s eyes were glistening with tears.

“Evie, we’re sorry. We didn’t mean to scare you. We wanted to show you how much we care” stammered Frank. He genuinely seemed hurt by my reaction.

“We really do Evie, there’s something about you that we just connect to. You’re special, not like other girls.” Gee was almost in tears at this point.

Frank took a step towards me and I threw my hand up signaling him to stop. His face fell completely and he just looked defeated.

“No. No, no, no. You don’t get to look hurt by this.” I backed away more.

My brain was trying to restart and process everything that had just happened. I wanted to run, but I knew that was a bad idea. My sister was supposed to pick me up from groups at 10:00. If I took off on my own she would think the worst and send out the cops looking for me. I didn’t want to deal with the endless questions from some uninterested law enforcement officer or the see the looks of disapproval from Sara.

I crouched on the sidewalk and put my head down. I needed to breathe. I needed space. I needed to think.

I looked up to see that the boys had sat down and were watching me. Somehow they looked so small and fragile. Heads hung low, they wore matching expressions of caution and something else. Regret maybe. And fear. And shame. They looked ashamed.

Shame. They were ashamed by what they did.

I understood shame. It was a feeling I knew too well, and that was all it took to break my heart.

Notes

Chapter 3 - working on moving towards more physical stuff - less smut, more romance I think. We'll see how it progresses.


THANK YOU to those that have read so far! I appreciate it :)