even if you stop believing

It’s mom.

“I got off from work a few days and I just thought I…” she mumbles.
She drops her cup of coffee on the floor.
“What’s gotten into you Gerard? That’s a smile I haven’t seen in a long time”
She looks confused.
She starts sobbing.
“Gerard, please keep that. I feel so happy now, tell me this isn’t just temporary and you’ll go down again”

“I just feel like smiling now, I can’t promise anything” I say. It’s really true; I don’t think this feeling will last. I’ll be crying again, sooner or later.

“Oh my god Gerard, you haven’t even taken your pills yet and you’re like this!”
She whoops as she looks at the pills on my nightstand.
“Can I do anything for you? Do you need anything?” she asks happily.

“I’d like some coffee” I say. I really need some coffee.
“I go to make us some, I need a cup too. I want to talk with you when the coffee is ready” She says as she looks at the coffee and the shrapnel on the doorway.

She leaves my room and goes upstairs.
I’m happy that she’s happy.
Maybe it will all get better now… or maybe not.
But I must admit that a little sparkle of hope just emerged somewhere inside of me.
I’m so excited for the night.

I put a shirt and some socks on since I have just boxers and some random pants on.
I feel fresh. It’s amazing how something like going for a walk in the middle of the night can make you feel so different.

I clean the coffee and the shrapnel from my doorway and go to sit on my bed.
I hear my mom is coming downstairs.
“And now you tell me what makes you so happy” she says as she comes to my room with two cups of coffee.

-----

From that day on, I went to the bridge almost every night and thought about things.
My mom is happy to know that now I have some kind of thing that makes me happy, even if it’s going outside in the night and coming home hours later. I’m usually out for less than two hours so it doesn’t affect my sleeping habits very much.

One night a little bit drunken man came to talk to me, we talked almost for an hour, about life.
He told me that he had been depressed too as I told him about my past, he told me that it’s never too late to get better and be happy. He also showed me a picture of his children, they were beautiful and the man looked so happy himself and proud of his children.
That night, he made me believe in my future a little bit more.

Slowly, very slowly, I started to get better and happier and even went shopping with my mom a few times. Of course there were a lot of times my mom found me crying in my room and not wanting do anything. Those times I thought I’m doomed to be sad all my life and there’s nothing to do.
But everything is possible.
Also now my mom wakes me up every morning and brings some coffee before she goes to work. She doesn’t want me to sleep all day. Mikey still ignores me.
It’s been a month now since the first time I went for a walk in the night.

The biggest thing is that I’m going back to high school soon, my mom called there last week and they reportedly were surprised. Two months ago as I stopped going to school my mom called there and told them about my depression and they told my mom that they understands, but if I’m not back at school in four months, I will be excluded.
My mom and the principal agreed that I will be going back to school next Monday.

Today is Friday, and I’ve been drawing and drinking coffee the whole day.
Now I’m about to go to the bridge. The clock is about 11 pm.
I run upstairs fast.
I put my shoes on and turn around to shout ‘bye’ to my mom, but Mikey is behind me and staring at me.

“What?” I say, seriously what the fuck Mikey?
“Nothing” He says, and keeps staring.
“…Okay” I say, confused.

I put my jacket and a scarf on before I open the door.
As I close the door I can see Mikey smiling at me.
I’m fucking confused.

I start walking towards the bridge.
The nights are getting warmer as the spring is coming; I’m going to miss the coldness.
It’s still pretty dark though.
I light up a cigarette, and yes, I smoke.

I walk in the darkness, smoking, and thinking of my life.
Will I have a job someday? Will I be somebody after high school?
Will I ever have children? Or even a girlfriend?
I’ve never had a girlfriend, though some girls were interested in me during middle school, but I didn’t care about them.

I wince a bit and get brought back from my thoughts as I notice that someone is standing on the spot I usually stand on the bridge.

Notes

guess who it is :DDD
and thanks for the comments, it's nice to know that you seem to like this, i love you all c:
keep commenting! (:
i'll update more tomorrow~