even if you stop believing

No. Not tonight.

I walk towards the bridge. There are no people there, only some cars crossing it.
I reach the bridge and keep walking.
Then I stop, I look around.
It’s beautiful.

I lean on the railing of the bridge with my arms and look down into the pitch-black water waving below me. It looks so cold.
How many people have ended their lives here?
How many bodies really lie somewhere down there?
How many people have given up on their lives here?
I will never know.

But I know something; I’m not going to be one of them. I promise.
I feel something falling down my right cheek, a tear.
I wipe it away with my finger.

I want to die and at the same time I feel like I don’t, I feel like I shouldn’t.
Why?
I’m here on the bridge, I could easily just jump off and only my mom would cry. I bet it really wouldn’t even be a surprise to her.
Me, the hopelessly depressed guy who is a forever loser, still thinks that it’s better not to jump?
As I said before, I’ve never achieved anything and I never will, but committing suicide? Am I really that pathetic that I can’t even kill myself because I’m so messed up and contradictory?
I’m so pathetic.

I turn and start to head back home.

-----

I open my eyes slowly.
I don’t remember how I got home; I just remember walking home but nothing more.
I must have been very tired.
I take a look at my clock, it’s 2:45 pm.
Either I came home very late last night or I just slept for very long time.
I’ll never know, because I don’t know what time it was as I went outside.

I’m going to do it again tonight; I really liked to be out in the darkness, almost alone on the streets.
I got to think about things somewhere else than in my own room that’s slowly making me go insane.
The fresh air felt so good, even the coldness made me feel happy and it was easier to go through things in my head.

I realize that I’m smiling. I smile wider.
I get up and sit on my bed for a while, just smiling.
This feels so weird, like, I’m fucking sitting and smiling here in my room. I can’t even remember the last time I felt this way.
Usually as I wake up, I just stay on the bed for the rest of the day, hardly getting up and never smiling.

Suddenly my door opens.

Notes

sooo I decided to to post the second chapter c:
I'm happy to know that someone reads this :D
..and i'm sorry if i go too slowly with the story, but it's because I personally hate those stories where things goes too fast and it's far from reality :d
but I have to go to sleep now as it's almost midnight here in finland and i have school tomorrow, bye!
i'll be updating soon~