even if you stop believing

He leads me to his room, though I already knew where it is.
He didn’t even look at me as we walked hand in hand to his room.

I feel so strange again.
The whole day has been so strange.
I think I made a friend, and I haven’t felt so bad today as usually, I wish this lasts.
I think I’m really getting better, though I really hate people just the same as always.
But I can’t hate Gerard. This is so weird.
The strangest part is that I’m now sitting on the same bed I sat on, drinking hot chocolate with Gerard during that one wonderful night.
Now we’re just sitting here, silently.
I thought he had something to say.
Is he waiting for me to explain something? My behaviour?
I still try to avoid his gaze; I don’t want to blush in front of him. I don’t want to embarrass myself again.
I know he’s staring at me.

Suddenly he comes closer. I look down; I don’t want any eye contact with him.
He leans forward, trying to reach my eyes.
I close my eyes. I want to go home.
This is so anguishing, to be with the person I’ve hurt so badly emotionally.

I feel a single tear running down my cheek.

“What’s wrong?” he asks after the long silence.

I open my eyes and meet his gaze about ten inches from me.
He has beautiful eyes.
I’m blushing.

He raises his eyebrow, a little bit questioningly.
He’s so cute.

“Nothing” I mumble.
“Please don’t, it’s obvious that you’re not okay” he says.
A few more tears run down my cheeks as I look at him.
“I’m so sorry”

“For what?” he asks, like he didn’t know.
“For everything” I blurt out. I cover my face with my hands and start crying more.

“For everything I did to you, you saved me and I never even thanked you, I hurt you. I’m a horrible person” I cry out. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I bet he’s going to just laugh at me.

“It’s really okay. I know what it’s like, I’ve been there too” He says. He obviously doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He looks at my unbelieving face for a moment before opening his mouth again.

“Sometimes you just kind of start hating everybody, to be sure that nobody betray your trust. I didn’t take anything personally; it’s so obvious that you’re not okay. I really do know what it’s like” he continues. Well, maybe he knows what he’s talking about.
“And I want to help you, I don’t want to watch anybody suffer as I did. I’m so glad you and your father came here, now we can talk” he says. I think I love this guy.
What if I’m just blind and he’s really just fucking with me?
Should I trust him?
Maybe I should give it a try.

Before I even realize, I plunge onto him and hug him tight.
After a moment, I feel his arms wrap around me. I smile.
I want to spend the rest of my life like this.

Then it hits me again, he’ll never like me the way I like him.
I should stop even believing, I should forget him. It’s just impossible that he’d ever like me that way, like, just look at me.
All this makes me so sad and happy at the same time.
I’m hugging the person I think I love, but he’s probably as straight as an arrow.
I’m just a friend or something to him.
I should forget him, though I’ll have to live with him anyway because of our parents.
I should at least stop dreaming of him as my boyfriend, that’s never going to happen.
I’m suddenly feeling very sad, I’m not smiling anymore. I begin to hate my life and my face again.

I cut loose from him and look at him for a moment, what a beautiful creature.

Should I?
I have nothing to loose.
The worst that could happen is that he would tell everybody and I would get more bullied at school.
But I’m already used to that.
Though I don’t even think he’s like that, not anymore.
If it’s true what he said, about knowing what it’s like, I think he understands me.

“Gerard?” I ask quietly and start avoiding his gaze again.
“Frank?”
“I need to tell you something, please don’t hate me…” I mumble. I’m blushing like a motherfucker. I feel so anguished.

“You can tell me anything” he says cheerily. I don’t think I really should, but I have to.
“I… --“ I start to mumble as someone knocks the door.

“Frank, it’s very late, we must leave now! Come upstairs soon” I hear dad somehow shouting from behind the door. Oh fuck, like I just wasn’t telling my crush about my feelings.
I’ll tell him later.

Gerard turns his gaze back to me and looks at me questioningly.
Oh how I love the way his hair is always on his face.
I get up from his bed; he follows me with his gaze.
“Gerard I…” I mumble before I do something I never thought I could do. It’s all or nothing.
I quickly cup his pretty face between my hands, and kiss him softly on the lips. He doesn’t respond, but it’s okay because I was so sudden.
His lips are very soft, I love them. His lips are the kind of I’d like to kiss for the rest of my life.

I leave his room soon and head upstairs, where dad is already calling for me.

Notes

finally something happened ;-;
you guys really don't know how much fun it is to write this :D:D

anyway, i'm going to bed now, goodnight~