even if you stop believing

GERARD’S P.O.V
I’m lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling again. A tear falls down my cheeks, then another, I feel like dying.
I need to get outside.

I’ve been home for the whole last two months, and mostly just in my own room.
I think I’m going crazy soon if I don’t go out; I’ve been inside these same four walls for too long.
My mom comes everyday to check me and give me my antidepressants. She’s tired of trying to help me and she gave up a long time ago. There’s also Mikey, my brother, who hates me as much as I do. Mikey doesn’t even talk to me anymore and he always ignores me. The last time he talked to me was when he told me to go kill myself if that’s what I’m planning to do anyway, and that was about four months ago.
Anyway, the pills don’t affect me. They just make me stay awake and maybe I go upstairs to eat something. The only thing that could ever help me is me; I just need to get my zest for life back. But I don’t know if I even want it.

The many tears flowing down my cheeks fall onto my pillow.
I cover my face with my hands and start sobbing aloud.

I hate my life, but at the same time I love it.
I hate how pathetic I am, I’ve never achieved anything and I never will.
I hate how lonely I am, but at the same time I’m happy that I can just be all by myself all day and not be surrounded with people who expect me to smile and be happy and hopeful for the future.
I’m happy that I don’t have to think about other people’s opinion when I do something or don’t.
I’m happy that at this point, after everybody has seen that I’m not going to change, nobody expects anything from me anymore.
Everybody thinks I’m hopeless and I’ll never be anything, I think the same way. I think it’s kind of comforting to know that nobody expects a thing from me. I’m kind of dead to everybody. I kind of don’t exist.
And I’m kind of happy with that. I’m a loser, but a pleased one.
And it all makes me so sad and depressed at the same time.

But there’s still these moments as I think that I could’ve been somebody; I could’ve been like a normal 18 years old. I don’t know anymore whether I want to be like this for the rest of my life or if I want to be like everyone else. I’m tired of believing in the future. I’m hopeless, so hopeless.
I spend all my days thinking of things like this; I’m trapped in my own mind.

But now, as said, I need to go out or I’ll go crazy.
I need air.

I get up from my bed. I’m still sobbing.
I look in the mirror, I look so messed up, and my eyes are swollen and red from crying.
But I don’t care; I’m not going outside to impress anyone.

I slowly go upstairs from my basement, thinking of what it would be like if I just killed myself tonight. But that’s a thing I don’t want to do to my mom, not again.
My dad committed suicide as I was about 5 years old, but my mom is a strong one and she survived and didn’t drown in the sadness and depression that surrounded us back then after dad died. I was the one who drowned. I was always the kid who looked sad and whose eyes were blank.

I put my shoes on and take my jacket before I open the door.
I slam the door shut, and the cold air of the night hits my face. I don’t know what time it is but I know it’s very late. It’s also very dark, I love it.
I walk down the street, enjoying the fresh air. I’m a little bit cold but I don’t care.

I don’t see much people around, just a few guys who are probably just going home.
I really should’ve checked what time it is.

I keep walking, enjoying the little things around me.
I should start a habit out of this, going for a walk every night.

I see the bridge coming up ahead.
I flinch a bit as I think of what I thought about earlier.
Should I?

Notes

please comment and let me know what you think about this :Dd
I have a few more chapters written already and I'll post them if someone likes this :D

well, i hope you like this one ((: