The Thing About Pain

"We'll be back in a few days, boys!" Donna called to Gerard and I. I think that was a horrible idea and everyone knew. Fuck's sake I was crying and shaking but no, Mikey and Donna had to leave Gerard and I alone. Gerard took me to his room after I was in hysterics. I felt really bad. He had to deal with me. Maybe I wasn't better. Maybe I was crazy... I couldn't fucking tell one emotions from the other anymore. Nothing felt right unless it was with Gerard. Absolutely nothing. My whole world was crumbling at this point. I became quiet again and barely talked. The darkness was seeping in and I was lying to everyone. My medication stopped working and I didn't tell anyone.
Gerard was smiling and waving goodbye to his mum and brother and I stood there, numb. My eyes filled with sadness and anxiety. Subconsciously, I picked at the skin around my fingers, tearing it off mindlessly, causing at least four of my fingers to bleed. I bit my lip an waved with Gerard. I wouldn't allow anything to happen to him or me. At least that's what I wanted to promise. Again, empty promises are promises I don't make.

"Come on, Frankie." Gerard took my hand in his after he locked his black front door. It was quite nice and glossy. It seemed new. A luxury I'd never have if it weren't for the man in front of me. I nodded gently and felt blood drip from my lip. "Oh, Frank." Gee's hand came up to my face and he cradled it in the palm of his hand while he wiped away the blood with the pad of his thumb. I just leaned into his touch. It was comforting and warm, welcoming even. "Hey, you know when we were in group therapy together, and we did art?" I nodded. "And I wouldn't let you see my drawing?" Another curt nod. "Come with me." He moves his slender, soft, and pale hand down to mine and drags me over to his room. We bolt down the stairs. He sat me on the black and red bedsheets when we got to his room, and out of a desk drawer he pulled the drawing out and handed it to me with shaky hands. I took it, trying hard not to crease the paper. My jaw dropped at the sheer beauty and detail of the piece. It was me, and Gerard from the hospital, kissing, limbs entangled with one another. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth and started to chew on it as I let my fingers trace over the lines.

"I love it." I whisper to Gerard. His face changes and now he's grinning, and by the looks of it, his heart was swelling. The whole time while I was silent, he was quiet, eyebrows knit, eyes wide, and a look of worry graced his face, but now the story was different. "I really love it. We should frame it." I whisper. For my words, I receive a hug from my enigma. I wrap my arms around him slowly and kiss the top of his head, after I move the drawing to a safe destination.
A few hours later, we found a dark cherry wood frame and hung the drawing up on the wall opposing the bed just so we could look at it at any given point in time.

"Perfect, just like my Frankie." Gee muses and kisses me gently. I kiss him back, letting our lips mold together. I kissed him lovingly and deeply, a kiss that could take anyone's breath away. A kiss that screamed 'I love you!' off of buildings and that could topple skyscrapers. A kiss that was meant only for him, and nobody else could get that from me. And maybe Gerard was waiting for me to pull away and tell him that all I told him was a lie and now was the moment I destroyed him, but that wasn't happening. Not now, not ever, because this kiss is something I knew was only his and nobody could take that. He kissed back with fiery love and passion, placing his hands on the small of my back and drawing me closer to him. Soon we both pulled away, breathless.

"I love you." I tell you after the kiss, not disappointed if you didn't say it back, not even questioning it. Nobody really loved me and that was okay, although I was hoping this could be different.

"I love you too." And I swear my heart exploded and I felt okay. I felt normal for once. I felt like nothing could ruin this, and of course I was wrong. I always was , but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered because I was Gerard's, and he was mine. I loved him and he loved me. Nothing could stop us. Except maybe the police.
That evening was spend making pasta in candlelight and listening to The Smiths while drinking coffee, but after dinner is where everything when awry. We laughed and drank coffee as we ate our food. Gerard made pesto noodles and I made this wonderful potato salad with avocados and dill. It was a variety, but we both agreed to a vegan meal tonight. It wasn't bad. Usually it was vegetarian with a meat side for the Way's but not tonight.

"Frankie, I'm going to get you your medication, stay here, lo zucchero." I nodded, not aware of what was going to happen, and in theory, I should have known. He got up, and the last I saw before he walked down the hall and into the washroom was his black jeans, his flannel and his beyond messy hair. I ate in silence and watched the clock. The clock looked old and vintage, probably from IKEA or something. It was in style of those old alarm clocks with roman numerals. The brass was turning a darker colour, and more discoloured, but I'm sure it was due to how long they had the clock, and maybe it was that old, who knew. I stared at the handles for a minute and gave up. Gerard had to come soon, right? He had to. I counted off two minutes, then three. That's when I heard the thud. I darted from the couch, down the small hall, and almost slammed into the washroom door with much force. I banged on the door, but there was no answer, none at all. I pushed the door open and started to sob. I sobbed loud and hard.

"We warned you, fag." Timmy sneered at me. I looked at my hands and then pulled Gerard to me. His blood pooled around him and the knife wounds were large. I couldn't stop the bleeding even if I wanted to. His face looked so pale, and all the life was gone from his body in seconds. I looked to Timmy murderously.

"You'll never take me alive." I spat and kissed Gerard's head. He was gone. Killed by this asshole who somehow managed to come into my life. Looking back on it, Gerard changed me as a person. I kept to myself, never talked. and here I am, or was, with him, telling him my secrets, relying on him, kissing him, hugging him, trusting him. I didn't pay attention to how illogical this was, or is. I didn't pay attention to the fact that there was a box of scattered things n the floor or a shattered bottle of some-sort. I paid attention o what I was seeing, and we know that we shouldn't believe what we see, but I did. I believed it all. That's why I scrambled for a paper, wrote down what I wanted to and disappeared to find everything I could that would help me.
I stayed with his body, crying hard, not taking notice that Timmy sat next to me. Not realizing he put his arm around me, and not realizing that he was staring. He was blood soaked, the three of us were.

"You loved him, didn't you?" Timmy asked me quietly, no hint of cruelty present.

"I still do..." I sobbed, not wanting to hear anything the twat had to say.

"Frank, listen if you just- he's" I cut him off.

"SHUT UP AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! FUCK YOU, YOU SELFISH MOTHER FUCKER!" I screamed and ran off, pushing Gee onto the floor next to me. I ran to get more things but Timmy stopped me. I threw a punch at him and he stumbled backwards. Eventually I ran back into the washroom where Gerard was and locked the door. After all, without him is how I disappear.

Notes