The Thing About Pain

I had spent the past few hours on the floor crying, and now, now I was okay to say the least. Mikey had opened the door to me crying and holding Gerard, and he asked me what happened. I gestured but he claimed there was nothing there, and so I explained to him what had happened. He nodded and just as I finished, I watched Gerard walk through the door. He was dead, was he not? As soon as he saw me, he dropped everything, and hugged me tight. He kept kissing me and whispering that it would all be okay. I buried my face into his shirt, and didn't let go until Mrs. Way had come home and asked what had happened. Gerard and Mikey gave her the rundown of it, and she called the pharmacy. The medication would apparently be ready in a few days time, as I shall be the first to receive my dose. Thank fuck. At least I got to be happy about one fucking thing, actually two, knowing Gerard wasn't dead. If he were, I'd probably take my own life as well, because I couldn't live without him. Everything I've know would be fucking gone.
I spent the majority of the afternoon in Gerard's arms, curled up, and crying. My eyes stung, and were puffy and red. To my surprise, I didn't hurt myself at all. I just wanted this pain to end. He kept running his hands through my hair and kissing my head, whispering how I meant a lot to him, and how it wasn't real. I couldn't help but nuzzle my face into his chest, and stay put for at least five hours twenty seven minutes and seventeen seconds.

"Frankie, I'd never go down without a fight." He promised me as he toyed with bits of my hair, here and there. "I promise you that I'll stay here for you." This time, he placed a tender kiss at the top of my head, and continued whispering to me in a hushed tone that he'd never used before.

"I love you." I whispered the first few words I hadn't in hours. I wanted it to be one of the first things he heard. My voice was hoarse, and cracked. I hated it so much about myself. It may have also been the fact that it was the first time I had screamed in years. I had never screamed at someone, or an image my head came up with so loudly before. I had never done it, to be completely honest.

"I love you so much, Frankie. The day I met you is the day I fell for you." He slid down in his seat so that I was sitting up more than he, and he buried his face into the crook of my neck, which cause me to shiver. His breath fanning my neck, and his nose gently brushing it. It made me want to squirm, but didn't, and it made me want to keep him here, like this, forever. Unfortunately I couldn't but that was okay. Gerard got up and popped in a movie, and to the irony, he decided to make me watch Frankenstein with him. Mikey joined us with popcorn, and coffee, and by the time the movie was over, it was around six.
Everything could have been worse, but it wasn't. It was something I was grateful for. When Donna called us for dinner, I wanted to say I didn't drag myself out of my seat, but I couldn't. I wanted to stay put with Gerard as long as possible because all the emotions flying through me were enough to destroy someone, but I was still alive, for him, and nobody else. In truth, I had nobody else left other than Mikey and Donna if Gerard died or got killed. I'd just off myself. So why didn't I? Maybe there was something wrong with the situation? There's always something telling you that something is wrong and it's all made up, like in the Christmas special of Doctor Who with the twelfth Doctor. There was always something. There was always something off with your mind to let you know it wasn't real.
Once we all sat down for lasagne (a vegetarian one, I guess Gerard told them then about my vegetarianism), she asked me if I was okay.

"It was horrifying. I never want to lose him like that and I hope he doesn't want to lose me either." I admit to the Way family. Everything was well lit, and I personally wished it was candlelit because it was too bright for me right now.

"Frank, we're so glad you're okay." Mikey chimed in. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself had you not been. I would have blamed myself. I can't live without you, or without you being okay. This family loves you nearly as much as Gerard does alone, of course, not counting that dork." The last small comment makes me chuckle, and I dig in to a home cooked meal. Donna then lights a cigarette.

"Sorry, I hope this is okay with you guys." I nod. I never liked smoking indoors too much, but hey, she cracked open a few windows so I was okay with it, plus is was her house. She offered Gerard and I one, and I gladly took it, and smoked while eating my meal.
After dinner, Gerard and I headed to the couch after trying to help with the dishes, but Donna and Mikey simply said that we had to take a break and focus on each other as it had been a heavy day, emotionally, for me. After we were seated like last time, I spoke.

"I always saw you as the raven haired enigma. It's what I called you. There's still so much I need to figure out about you Gerard, and I haven't and that's what bothers me the most. You're my raven haired enigma with tragically stained lips, and pained eyes beyond belief." And maybe I shouldn't have told him everything, or maybe I shouldn't have put it so poetically, but I didn't care because the next thing that happened gave me more pleasure than it should have, and I wished for minutes, hours after, to return this simple gesture. Gerard kissed my neck, gently. I let out a small, inaudible sound at the contact, but melted into his gentle touch.

"And you're washing away the stains, Frank. With every gesture, every glance, every touch, you wash the pain away." He mumbled against my neck before slowly kissing it again. I wasn't too familiar of this gesture, and I'm not entirely sure what it meant, but it felt... Pleasant. The only time anyone had done this was when they raped me, and they did it rough, and bit me, a lot, but not Gerard, and Gerard wouldn't do that to me, and he wouldn't be cruel. I began to sing Asleep by The Smiths to Gerard, and all he did the whole time was kiss gently over my neck and jaw, and listen. It's what I loved about him.
At some point, after about five more songs, Donna and Mikey claimed to be going out, leaving us alone together. Nobody objected, and we were responsible. The only time Gerard got up, was to turn off the lights, light some candles and play a mix tape he made. It began with the song 'I Miss You' by Blink-182. When he joined me, he resumed his activity; kissing up and down my neck, and my jaw. I couldn't have asked for better. As he continued, he sat up more, and pushed me back, gently so that I was lying down, and he was above me. I just closed my eyes and listened to the music, and enjoyed this feeling. He kept kissing me, and every now and again, he grazed his teeth across my skin, causing me to shiver.

"G-Gee..." I slightly moaned.

"Sh, Frankie, it's okay, just tell me if you want me to stop." He delicately instructed, and so through the entirety of the song, he kissed my neck, and teased me, not letting me get a single peck at his lips. My little noises, whimpers, and moans were drowned out by Blink-182, and he slowly, and very gently lowered his hips onto mine, earning a small noise from both of us. To say the least, it was beautiful. "We won't do anything, I swear." He added. "I hope this is okay with you." He got a small nod from me, and he continued. He earned small sounds from me, and I earned some from him, and I asked him to stop only when we were halfway through the mix tape and the song 'Daydream' by Smashing Pumpkins came on. He gave me a long kiss on my chapped lips and laid down on my chest, wrapping an arm around me, and having one laying on my chest. I knew he was listening to my not so steady heartbeat, and my heavier-than-normal breathing. My hands kept their place on his waist, and one made it to his hair, and started combing through it.

"Is this how you get guys to fall in love with you?" I asked him softly, breaking the silence.

"No, Frank, this is how I get you to fall in love with me." Was all Gerard said in reply.

Notes