The Thing About Pain

I couldn't believe it. It couldn't possibly be. Jamia stood at our door and was staring at me. It appeared that Gerard could see her as well. There wasn't a doubt in the world it was her. How? I don't know. I watched her die. They killed her in front of my fucking face. She had to be dead. There was no possibility of her being alive, and yet here she is, in front of both of us, grinning as if she hadn't died, or been dead. I then screamed. I screamed louder than I had ever screamed and I knew Gerard was concerned about me. Jamia was completely dumbfounded by my actions. I sunk to my knees and hurried my head in my arms. I closed my eyes as tight as I possibly could. This wasn't real. It couldn't have possibly been the slightest bit real. I felt arms wrap around me, and they could have only been Gerard's.

"Frankie, hey, it's okay." I shuddered at the words spewing from Gerard's mouth. I shook my head. "Frank, do you know her?"

"Of course he knows me. I'm his girlfriend." The words tumbled out of her mouth with ease. It was unbelievable. And girlfriend? I don't love her. I'm with Gerard, and I am committed to him. I damn near love him.

"Uh.... No. You're not. I'm his boyfriend, and you showing up like this doesn't mean shit." Gerard fumed. I could tell he was agitated and was completely set to protect me from whatever she was.

"Uh, yeah, it does." She sassed back. "I moved away a few years back, and have been looking for Frank ever since I moved back here. He still loves me. You can ask him. Look, he has my name tattooed on his hand."

"Because you're dead! You're supposed to be dead. He saw you die. You think you can just walk back into his life without a fucking warning, and just have him walk back to you? No. That's not how shit works. Look, I don't give a fuck if you want to stay friends, well, maybe I do a little, but if you're going to keep imposing on me and him a false truth that you're simply hoping for, you need to get over yourself. I'm with him now, and you guys are done. It's for the best and you'll have to deal with it, sugar." Gerard retaliated.

"Why don't you ask him what he wants, hmm? Afraid he'll pick me?" I scoffed at her comment. She was dead, and now she wasn't. She hurt me, and then came back like everything was normal. Like she bothered talking to me. She never told me she even moved. I just saw her get killed. That's it . That's literally it. "Why'd you scoff? Baby, tell me." I let out another scoff at her word choice.

"He doesn't talk." Gerard replied for me.

"He does. Maybe he doesn't to you." She tried. I looked up at the two of them, and pleaded, with my eyes for a pen and paper. Thank fuck Gee understood, and went and got me some. I quickly jotted down a few words.

You're dead. You left apparently. I don't know what the truth is. Bullshit that you looked for me though. Someone would have told me. You could have asked Mikey, or my parents. Oh but no. They killed you and I cried, but I got over you after I was sent to a mental institution. Four fucking years Jamia. I don't talk to anyone, except Gerard and his family. You're not an exception.

I handed her the paper that had my messy handwriting scrawled upon it. Her expression displayed shock, and horror. I guess it was meant to be. I mean, I felt nothing for her, and while I deemed her dead, I got into fucked up shit. The institute was hell, until Gerard came and then, I began to like again, to love again. To just anything really. To feel I guess I could say.

"Frank." Her voice sounded helpless, and her eyes pleaded but it wasn't anything, and it made me feel nothing. Nothing but depression, nothing but everything old and nostalgic. I felt like I'd been reliving the past, and I'd like to keep the past, in the past. It would be best after all.

"Jamia, I think you should really just go. It's hurting Frank more than anyone else here, and maybe, maybe just stay away. He's not pleased. You never made efforts." She cut him off.

"I was dragged away against my will by my parents. I lost everything in the move. I lost every piece of contact information I had about Frank. You need to understand."

"You should have taken better care or it. Or, I don't know, maybe looked it up in a phone book? So don't give me that bullshit. Okay? You didn't try is my point, and if you really cared, you would have tried. Don't bother attempting to save yourself, or what you used to have with him. It's not worth it. He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve someone who isn't, well, Frank. Please just get out of my house." Gerard sounded calm. Too calm, and I couldn't help but feel like I was choking, suffocating in my past. The next thing I knew, was I heard the door closing after a few sobs and Gerard telling me it'll be okay, and then I passed out.
I woke up in a dark room, walls covered in drawings and various forms of art. I immediately pinpointed it as Gerard's room. It couldn't belong to anyone else. I looked around and Gerard was asleep in a chair beside the bed, and I felt a wet cloth on my head, that was now cold, or I assumed it had been warm before. Memories of a few hours prior to now rushed back, and suddenly my head felt heavy. I began to see small things here and there, I knew weren't possible. Like little birds flying around the room, and drawings coming back to life. I began to panic immediately.

"Gerard!" I sat up and woke him. "I think I need my medication." He understood, and went and grabbed some, as well as a glass of water. He came back and he gave it to me.

"Here you go." He hands it all to me, and I take it. I swallow my medication with the water and thank him. "No problem, sugar. Now, tell me, what was that whole thing about?" He asks me. "Didn't you say she was dead?"

"Well, yeah, they killed her in front of my eyes." I began. "But I guess it goes to show that it was all a lie. It's okay though... I have you and I couldn't have asked for better." I smiled. "Come here." I added in. And so Gee crawled into bed with me and curled up right beside me, shoving his face into my side.

"I'll never let them hurt you, I promise." He whispered. I smiled, and even though not all day had passed, and it was a very short one, we fell back asleep. I think I needed it to be honest. I needed sleep like I needed Gerard.

Notes