The Thing About Pain

Gerard and I woke up at around twelve in the afternoon, which felt wonderful to me. I never got to sleep in that much at the institute, especially since they wanted us wide awake at around seven to eight in the morning so we could visit our therapists and all that shit. I took a deep breath, and turned around to face Gerard. He looked so peaceful when he slept. So vulnerable, and at ease with the world. Hesitantly, I leaned in until my lips were millimetres away from his and smiled, while gently pressing my soft lips to his beautiful lips, that were less chapped and tainted with horrors than before, and the ink the wrote those tragic tales, was being worn out, and fading to the point of near disappearance. As soon as my lips made contact with his, his eyes shot open, but then closed again, as he melted into the kiss. He brought his arms up to my sides, and slid one hand under my hip, and placed one on my other hip. I gently pulled away from him and grinned.

"Good morning, Frankie." He whispered in his morning voice, yawning after the words were uttered.

"Morning, Gee." I beamed. My first night out of the hospital and I felt more alive than I have in years. It felt so good, and Gerard made it the best thing that it could possibly be.

"We should go home you know?" He chuckled at the end of the sentence. I kissed him lightly, and then the longer it went on, the harder I kissed him.

"Mmm, I know..." I groaned into his lips. "I don't want to." I heard Gerard make some incoherent noise, and felt him press against me more, he tried to deepen the kiss, however I didn't let him. He groaned in protest and pulled away.

"Frankie, you can't just do that." Gee whined. At that point, I had peeled away from him, and gotten up. I had also thrown the covers off of him, leaving him shivering. I grinned, and stuck out my hand for him to take. Gladly, he took it, and I pulled him up. I think it was needless to say I was proud. He was, after all, stronger than me, and a great deal taller. As soon as he was up on his feet, I kissed him, and scurried down the rope ladder that was used to get up to the tree fort. All you could hear was the two of us laughing while running home, and Gerard shouting after me, as he tried desperately to catch up to me.
Once we burst through the door, we encountered Mikey, who looked a little bit pissed off, but we thought it was nothing until he began to yell.

"Do you know how fucking worried I was about you two?! I even stressed Ray out about it! Do you not understand that you were both patients in the hospital and you running around needs to be kept on the down low? You just got released. Maybe consider the fact that you have people who actually give a fuck about whether or not you're dead!"

"Mikey, we were at the old tree fort." Gerard tried to reason.

"I don't give a shit, Gerard. What if you weren't? What if something happened to you?"

"Just because I was just released from hospital doesn't mean you need to baby the fuck out of me. I'm twenty four for fucks sake! I can take care of myself, and don't you dare tell me I can't because I damn well know I can, and I'm better now."

"You weren't two months ago."

"A lot can happen in two months." Gerard seethed at this point. I hated seeing the Way brothers fight, but this was beyond anything I've ever seen before.

"SHUT UP!" I screamed, tears started to run down my face, and I wasn't even aware of them. They were hot tears, the ones that rush down your face and you have no control over them whatsoever. You couldn't do anything about it, and there wasn't a way to hide them even if you tried. "Just stop! Mikey," I turned towards the younger brother. "you need to stop treating Gerard like he's two, and as far as I'm concerned, this is the first time really. He knows what he's doing." I turned to Gerard who was dumbstruck. "And Gerard, you need to notify Mikey where you go, or at least your mum, until this shit dies down." I sighed out and wiped my face with my hands, and finishing by rubbing my temples. "You're brothers, you should care about each other. Gee has a point though, you can't baby him because it'll never get you anywhere."

"Frank-" Mikey began.

"Save it. I'm going to shower." With that being said, I went downstairs into Gerard's room and walked into the bathroom. That's when something caught my eye. A mirror. Hm. I stared at myself in it. Long black hair, wonky looking nerd glasses, tattoos peeking out from my collar, and those hazel eyes that taunted me. They'd never be as nice as Gerard's. My nose was either too small and pointy, or too large, and my lips were thin, but in a sickly way. I now had a small scar from where my lip, and nose rings used to be, and when I pulled a smile, it just looked rotten. My body was too thin one minute, and too fat the next. I couldn't decide. I just stared. I stared at the dead eyes of my image staring back, and watched as the reflected light took effect on how much my pupils dilate. I stared at myself until everything was blurred and the image became the reality and until everything about me seemed surreal. I stared until it happened. The mirror image began to talk.

"Oh, how I've missed you, Frankie." I didn't take my meds. SHIT. This is why I needed them. This is what they mean. This is how it all started out, truthfully. "You know, I think you've gotten thinner. Too bad you're still somewhat fat. And your hair, oh my god, Frankie. What have you done to it? You think you look cute don't you? Lies. Filthy whore. The whole look screams pathetic. I can't even believe you'd think this is even slightly good. Should I teach your pathetic self a lesson?" I gulped. "STRIP NOW." The mirror me growled. I slowly began to take my clothes off. Tattoos littered my body and there was horror written all over my face as I realised the mirror image wasn't taking off its clothing. "Wow, you have a lot of art. You must be dedicated. Makes you look prettier. But not pretty enough. I can't even see your bones! What is wrong with you? You want to get fat? No wonder nobody loves you. And all you do is cry. Whine like a pathetic little child and just fuck everything up! Your parents loved being without you. They never wanted you. Nobody wants you. You're a fucking mistake." I started to cry and I turned away. I ran the shower and jumped in. The voice taunted me, but as the shower got hotter, the steam was thicker, therefore drowning out the illusion my eyes had created, and fogging my glasses badly. (Yes, I wore them when I showered, I can't see much without them).
I didn't realise how long I had been in the shower until Gerard knocked on the door and asked to come in. I let him, but I didn't let him see me. I'm no good for anybody anyway. You want skin and bone? You'll get it. I'll make myself beautiful for everyone. However, I want to keep my hair like this.

"Gee?" I got a hum in response. "Pass me the towel." A hand stuck through the shower curtain and passed me the fluffy red towel. I wrapped it around my waist and stepped out of the shower and looked at Gerard, who was still a little cloudy, so I wiped my glasses.

"You're so beautiful." He breathed, and stepped closer to my being. "Frankie, I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Fuck, Frank." Gerard came closer to me and placed his hands on my waist and leaned in, but this time, not kissing my lips, but instead, on my neck. He trailled kisses up and down my neck, and onto my jawline, finally stopping at the very corner of my lips. I let out a small moan, but instantly regretted it.

"Gee." I gasped. "Please stop." Then he kissed my lips, and all I could process was that he didn't taste like coffee, or nicotine. I pushed him away. "You're not, Gee." With that I screamed, and both Gerard and Mikey ripped open the bathroom door, just in time for my illusion to disappear.

"Frank you okay?" I shook my head no, and began to cry. "Mikes, please leave us." Then the cold air from his room hit my bare skin and I began to shiver, and the last I saw of Mikey for a while, was him leaving. "Frank, are you okay? Do you need your medication?" A small nod, and he pulled open a drawer and asked me to dry swallow the pill. It wasn't desirable, but for Gerard I'd cross the world. And so I dry swallowed the little pill, and waited for it to take effect. He propped me up against the wall, and let me sit down, then kissed me. His coffee, and nicotine tasting lips on mine, and this is how I liked it being. What I didn't understand is who gave me the towel.

"How did I get this towel?" I asked.

"Well, I knocked to see if you were alive and you asked me to pass it to you, I did and walked out to let you change. Why?"

"I thought you stayed in here."

"Not unless you want me to. Frank, what's wrong."

"I hallucinated you. I saw you. You kissed up my neck and to tease me, the corner of my lips, and traced my tattoos, but it wasn't real." I explained.

"Hey, you're getting better. This shouldn't be getting much worse right? It was worse in hospital." I nodded, because it was true. I hadn't had this happen to me in a few days, and the only thing that caused it was a mirror. "But, Frankie, you are beautiful." I smiled and kissed him lightly, followed by pulling him in for a hug, and only to have his face buried in the crook of my neck, but I swear I saw the vapour write out 'beware'.

Notes