The Thing About Pain

The night drew closer and closer, until it was completely dark and all we ended up doing was talking and smoking. It wasn't the best, but it was the most freedom I've had in years, and if anyone thought I wasn't going to seize that opportunity, they were wrong. And so for over half the night, I laid there, on a shitty ass mattress, with springs in it, with Gerard Way. Just breathing the same air, and sharing each other's body heat as if our lives depended on it. We just shared everything we possibly had. Cigarettes, body heat, air, space, love. Everything. Including unheard details of our stories. Gerard was the one to ask first and I couldn't resist answering him. He deserved to know, and he looked broken over it. I didn't care though, because I'd tell him, we'd kiss, and I'd unravel the mystery that is Gerard Arthur Way. I will do that tonight, but there will always be quirks that I'll learn as time passes by.

"Frank?" I hummed in reply, trying to lead on that, yes, he could ask me a question. "What exactly happened to you?" I sighed out, and sat up, followed by pushing myself up against the wall. Gerard followed suit shortly after.

"Okay. You know half of it. And you know the tattoo on my hand with the name 'Jamia' is because of my significant other who got killed, and so is another one I have. Don't get angry, please. Anyway, after she got murdered in front of my very eyes, my schizophrenia, or at least that's what they say it is, didn't really start right away. It was more of it happened occasionally, but," I took in a deep breath and braced myself for what I was about to explain. "there... It got worse after I met a guy. At the time he was by best friend you know? I trusted the fuckwad. I was just stupid and looking for love, because let's face it, when you're the 'emo freak' of your school, nobody loves you. So, I met this guy. I think I was at a fucking Smashing Pumpkins concert or something, and we actually ended up being some of the only guys there. Our seats were in the very front row, and we were beside each other. I acknowledged his existence, but didn't really want to talk to him, that is until my teenage self nearly punched his face in for spilling his beer on me. Long story short, we began to talk and realised we had so much in common that it was kind of scary. So fast forward later that night, and we were leaving the venue together and went to the park where we got to know each other better and he asked if I was gay. Being an idiot, I said yeah, I am, because the only girl who I ever took interest in was Jamia, and he told me the same fucking thing. We exchanged numbers and that was that. We hung out a lot after that, and then he put his plan to action. He asked me out later that year, maybe three months? Agreements." I stopped and rubbed my face. I just couldn't take this, but I needed to finish my story, and for Gerard's sake. I wouldn't cry. "Later on that year, he wanted to treat me to sex, and I asked him what it was and he replied with 'You'll see, you'll love it.' So after making out with me, and getting me hard, he told me he wanted to do it the kinky way with a blindfold over my eyes, and me tied to the bed. I said no, the bastard drugged me to sleep. You can guess he put his kinky ways into use, but you know. He wasn't the one raping me. He abused me and brought in some girls and started talking about how he would change my faggot ways once I saw how good a girl could be in bed. I was still hard, and they... They felt me up, and if I was about to- you know, he'd abuse me out of it. They fucked themselves on me, and I guess they fucked me... It fucked me up, and then he asked me if I still liked guys better and I said yes. Mistake. He untied me, but told me to jack myself off and all that shit, and so I had to or else I'd be beaten to death. He made me leave, half beaten to death with a problem and told me I couldn't rid myself of it until he said I could." I started to sob a little. Gee scooted closer and hugged me. I hugged him back hard and I wish I didn't have to let him go. His scent and the way he felt, just felt amazing, and perfectly right in every way. "What about you?" I asked but it came out muffled. "Your lips are tragically stained mystery boy." At that, Gee pulled away from me and began.

"Okay. So... I was in the twelfth grade, I think. I was that gawky, nerdy, emo kid who nobody really liked, but the teachers really did. Especially this one teacher. She was my music teacher I believe. I don't really remember all the details, but what I remember clearly is this going on for months on end until I told someone. It all started one day after school though. I stayed to finish a project and present my musical piece and she locked the door because it's 'more private'. Keep in mind, it's soundproof. So I went on with my musical piece, and she kept bringing her neck line lower and lower, and her skirt higher, and higher. At some point, I couldn't take it and I asked her to stop but her response was to sit on my lap and rock bad and forth, and we all know that that's not exactly the best way to not get slightly hard. Anyway, she kept talking, ranting about how there was so many hot guys, and named them, but then said they were nothing compared to me, and began kissing me, and kissing me. Rocking back and forth. I tried to push her off but I couldn't. She asked me to do unnamable things to her, and she sucked me off when she tied me down. After that, right after that, she kissed me and shoved her tongue down my throat. It was disgusting. I just wanted to get out of that situation. I couldn't just sit there and do nothing, but then, the last time, she asked me to do it with a guy, and she hit me if I didn't. I cried and begged for it to stop, and I kept repeating 'no' over and over. I became depressed. Isolated. I was always asked to stay after school by her. Eventually someone ended up walking in and she tried to cover it up, that is, until they asked me what was really going on, and the truth came out. All of it. She got sent to jail, and I had bipolar, and it made it so much worse. I let it out through art, and eventually got into university for it, and you know the rest." A tear ran down his pale face, leaving a shiny little streak of wet salty water.

"The most fucked up things happen to the both of us don't they?" I whispered as I leaned into Gerard.

"They do, Frankie. They do." With that he kissed my forehead, and proceeded to light another cigarette. We went through about three so far. Our fourth one today, and our last.

"Can I fix you?" I asked out of sheer curiosity.

"Well, in a way, you already have, but yeah, you can." Gerard smiled at me sheepishly, and got up to get the sleeping bag, while handing me the cancer stick, that I, without hesitation, stuck between my lips, and took a drag, breathing deeply through the filter, and blowing out the smoke. We pulled the covers up over ourselves and layed there. We just layed next to each other and admired the beauty of it all.

"Your lips are so stained with tragic affairs." I noted shortly after.

"True, but now they are getting washed away by the pure little soul of yours." His comment makes me smile as I hand his back the cancer stick and slide further under the covers. I look up, and note that there is a portion of the ceiling made of glass. Everything is dark, except for the slight light pollution coming from the city, and the red embers on the cigarette. But soon the embers were gone too, and Gee slid down lower and closer to me. "It's beautiful isn't it?" He asked me, and all I could possibly do was edge closer to him and nod. "All these fucking stars and galaxies, and we're meaningless to whatever life is found in them or on them. We're just a speck. They matter to me though, and I hope I matter to them.Although, really, I don't think it matters, as long as I mean something to you." He turned his head so he was facing me, and I turned mine to face him. I couldn't believe the depth of what he'd just said. Staring into his eyes I uttered the next sentence, not at all thinking.

"Gerard, those stars, sure they shine, but from my perspective, the stars, they shine for you. " A small kiss was planted on my cheek, and so with that, Gee turned his whole body towards me, and just pulled me close. With that being done, I returned the favour. "Goodnight, Gee."

"Goodnight, Frankie. If the stars do shine for anyone, they shine for you. Not me." He kissed me, and soon we fell into a deep slumber.

Notes