The Thing About Pain
All We Are Is Bullets
I was surrounded by darkness, it enveloped me. It wasn't pleasurable. Something seemed eerie and off about it all and I couldn't grasp what it was. I was tripping over my own feet, trying desperately to find some sort of support. A wall, or desk, maybe even a chair. My body slammed against a brick structure, and I nearly fell to the ground in pain. I slowly brought myself up, using the structure as a support, and started to follow it.
I walked for what seemed like forever, down what was supposedly a long corridor. And as it went on, it got narrower, and narrower, then it opened up into a huge room. The light was flickering on and off, but the light fixture was just a light bulb hanging from the ceiling. Wires barely supporting it. As I walked into the bloodied opening, I noticed a bloody body in the middle. Curiosity stole away my rational thoughts, and I walked up to the poor soul who had been torn apart by what seemed like a wild animal.
I held back a scream as I realised that a mutilated Gerard was before me. You could barely tell it was him. The only reason you could tell was because of his cold, dead, distant eyes that portrayed but one emotion; horror. I knelt down and laid the back of my hand on his cheek and let my tears spill.
The shadows stirred, and hissed, whispering my name over, and over. I wanted them to leave me alone. I had just gotten my heart ripped out. No literally. Not yet anyway. I noticed a form leaving the shadows, and it might as well have been the devil himself.
"You're next, Frankie." Timmy hissed.
I woke up screaming. Hot salty tears ran down my face. I could barely hold myself together. I had seen Gerard die, and Timmy had killed him. He had informed me I was the next victim, and I couldn't handle any of it. I couldn't think. I couldn't comprehend where I was, or what time it was. I could understand why I wasn't in my own bed.
A pair of frail, thin, yet at the same time strong, arm wrapped around my waist. I nearly started screaming again, until the one thing that scared me most happened. Who ever was holding me, began to softly trail kissed up and down my neck. They placed one behind my ear, and one on my clothed shoulder. Thank fuck for clothes.
"Shh, it'll be okay." They whispered into my ear. I knew that voice... I knew that voice. I couldn't place a name or a face right now. My state of panic wouldn't let me. "Frankie," They muttered as they began kissing my neck again. "please, calm down." The seemed more in control of their actions now that they tried to speak clearly. "Please turn around." I feared the worst and turned around to face none other than, Gerard? I shouldn't have been so surprised, we fell asleep together, but I didn't care that I didn't realise it was him. I was just too content with the fact that he was alive and well. I began to sob. Hysteria was coming out of me, and that was it. I grabbed Gerard's shirt with such force, my knuckles turned white. I was a sobbing mess.
It was a good half hour until my sobs died down. Gee was still stroking my hair and it was pleasant, but I had to pull away from him.
"I didn't want you to be dead, and I didn't want you to- to- to be Timmy." I was holding back tears threatening to spill over once again.
"Frankie, I'll never let them take you alive." He whispered to me, and kissed the top of my head. I realised it was a good five in the morning, and we'd need to get up in two hours.
"You promise me, Gee?" He bit his lip, hard, and I can't say that I wasn't enjoying what I was seeing right now, even in my state or shock, and horror.
"Frankie," He breathed my venomous nickname onto my lips. "I promise you so much more than that." For some reason, I couldn't help but be intrigued by his offer.
"Can you?" I asked him, staring only at his horror tainted lips.
"Always." He breathed out once again. I leaned in closer, and closer, slowly closing the gap between us. I could taste his breath, that always seemed to taste like coffee, mint, and cigarettes. It always lingered on his lips, no matter what he ate, or did. He couldn't take it away. It added to his- Gerard-iness. I was also conflicted, whether to deepen the kiss for the first time, or to simply let the gentleness linger, but my body betrayed my brain, and little did I know, I had slowly licked his bottom lip, letting a small moan escape his mouth. We did deepen the kiss however. I was left wondering how the sweet taste of nicotine was so fresh in his mouth when he hadn't smoked, and him probably wondering why my mouth tastes like a sewer. Our tongues danced together, and our lips were sloppily connected, but I didn't care, because he wiped all existence of bad memories away from me. I shortly ran out of breath and pulled away from the beautiful boy. "Frank." My name tumbled off his tongue and past his lips in such a smooth manner that it sent chills down my spine. I examined my crime scene. His lips swollen, red, and parted. His breaths were long, and deep. He was panting, trying to get a decent amount of air into his lungs. His position was being adjusted so he was sitting up, and that I was seated between his legs, instead on on top of them. All I could do was stare. His beauty captivated me and left me breathless.
His hands found their way to my waist, and he pulled me into an unexpected hug. I landed in the most awkward position. One hand, on his chest, yet squashed against my face, and one on his crotch. He quickly let me go as soon as he realised what he had done. Guilt took over his features and he began to panic.
"Gee-" I tried.
"Oh god, Frankie, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, I just wanted to hug you and I didn't mean for you to put your hand there and-" I cut him off.
"Gerard. Listen to me. It happened, it's over with. It's okay." I tilted my head up to capture his perfect, thin, tragedy stained lips in a delicate kiss. I pulled away from him after three seconds flat, and looked down at my hands.
"Frankie, read letter number thirteen." Gerard sighed out. I nodded, and got up. My feet padded against the cool linoleum flooring. I got to my nightstand and took out the thirteenth letter from the pile and walked back to Gerard. I held it out in front of him. A sad smile crept up on his face, and he spread out his arms to me. I placed myself firmly at his side and snuggled him.
"Read it to me, please." I whispered.
"I don't have to. I memorised it." He sadly glanced at me. This must be serious.
"Then recite it." I instructed. He handed it to me and I opened the envelope anyway, pulling out the sheet of paper anyway. He slowly nodded at me and soon his beautiful voice filled the room. It was filled with anger, passion, and love for leaving his destruction.
"The amount of pills I'm taking, counteracts the booze I'm drinking
and this vanity I'm breaking, lets me live my life like this
and well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
Well I'll choose the life I've taken, never mind the friends I'm making
and the beauty that I'm faking lets me live my life like this
And well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
And you can cry all you want to, I don't care how much
You'll invest yourself in me, we're not working out (we're not working out)
We're not working out (we're not working out)
And you can't touch my brother and you can't keep my friends
and we're not working out, we're not working out
This time I mean it, never mind the times I've seen it
Well I hope I'm not mistaken by the news I heard from waking
and it's hard to say I'm shaken, by the choices that I make
and well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
Well I'll choose this life I've taken, never mind the friends I'm making
And I get a little shaken, because I live my life like this
And well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
And you can cry all you want to, I don't care how much
You'll invest yourself in me, we're not working out,
We're not working out
And you can't keep my brother, and you won't fuck my friends
and we're not working out, we're not working out
This time I mean it, never mind the times I've seen it
Never again, never, never again
(and you can cry all you want to, I don't care how much you'll invest yourself in me)
ne.. never... never... never again
(and you can cry all you want to, I don't care how much you'll invest yourself)
ne.. never... never... oh baby let me.. oh baby... oh baby
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
I'm knocking let me in
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
I'm knocking let me in
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in" And fuck, was it ever beautiful.
"What's it called, Gee?" I inquired. "No, first tell me what it's about, then the name. I want it to have more meaning the first time I hear the name." He nodded.
"I don't think I told you, my dear Frankie. I was depressed and bipolar, I was caught up in the wrong crowd, and I had a drug addiction. And I'm so sorry you find out this way. In a hospital, not wanting to see me or talk to me. It's called Honey This Mirror Isn't Big Enough For The Two Of Us because it was either I chose to be me, or I chose to be the me on drugs, and I couldn't be both. Please forgive me. Love always, your, Gee." With that being said, the older man kissed my nose, making me emit a giggle.
"Gee, I wanted to talk to you, so badly. You don't even understand." I sighed out. He looked down at me, and let a tear fall. He leaned over and gently placed a kiss on my lips and sunk down low in the bed, followed by me doing the same, and having him pull me close. At some point our breathing synchronised, and all that was left was the two of us, staring back at one another.
His eyes brought back nostalgia, but I couldn't place exactly what event it was that it triggered. I couldn't remember. It didn't feel quite right though.
"Frankie, I won't let them hurt you, I promise." He sighed out and brought his lips close to mine. "You're beautiful, Frankie. You're so innocent, and clean. You're not dirty like me." His voice turned melancholic.
"Gee," I found his chest in the darkness that surrounded us. "you're beautiful, and clean. Cleaner than I'll ever be." He slipped his hands under my shirt and traced my tattoos as if he'd done so at least once a day for the past fifteen years. "Oh, G-Gerard..." I let out shaky breath. He began to trace the birds I had from my 'Search And Destroy' tattoo.
"Frankie, you're too beautiful." His lips came into contact with mine, but he began to nibble on my lower lip.
"G-G-Gerard, p-p-p-please...." I was a panting, whimpering, mess.
"Hmmm?" Was the only noise he made, still nibbling on my lip.
"I-" I was cut off by Gerard lips crashing into mine, and his skeletal, spider like fingers, finding their way around my hips, and up to my waist once again, but this time, it was skin on skin, and it was the warmest feeling. It sent shivers up and down my spine. Once he pulled away, he placed his forehead against mine and whispered so I could barely hear.
"You're my drug of choice, Frankie. Don't destroy me." He sighed out.
"Self destruction is such a pretty little thing, Gee. And all we are is bullets." I slowly fell asleep to the sound of his occasional snores.
I walked for what seemed like forever, down what was supposedly a long corridor. And as it went on, it got narrower, and narrower, then it opened up into a huge room. The light was flickering on and off, but the light fixture was just a light bulb hanging from the ceiling. Wires barely supporting it. As I walked into the bloodied opening, I noticed a bloody body in the middle. Curiosity stole away my rational thoughts, and I walked up to the poor soul who had been torn apart by what seemed like a wild animal.
I held back a scream as I realised that a mutilated Gerard was before me. You could barely tell it was him. The only reason you could tell was because of his cold, dead, distant eyes that portrayed but one emotion; horror. I knelt down and laid the back of my hand on his cheek and let my tears spill.
The shadows stirred, and hissed, whispering my name over, and over. I wanted them to leave me alone. I had just gotten my heart ripped out. No literally. Not yet anyway. I noticed a form leaving the shadows, and it might as well have been the devil himself.
"You're next, Frankie." Timmy hissed.
I woke up screaming. Hot salty tears ran down my face. I could barely hold myself together. I had seen Gerard die, and Timmy had killed him. He had informed me I was the next victim, and I couldn't handle any of it. I couldn't think. I couldn't comprehend where I was, or what time it was. I could understand why I wasn't in my own bed.
A pair of frail, thin, yet at the same time strong, arm wrapped around my waist. I nearly started screaming again, until the one thing that scared me most happened. Who ever was holding me, began to softly trail kissed up and down my neck. They placed one behind my ear, and one on my clothed shoulder. Thank fuck for clothes.
"Shh, it'll be okay." They whispered into my ear. I knew that voice... I knew that voice. I couldn't place a name or a face right now. My state of panic wouldn't let me. "Frankie," They muttered as they began kissing my neck again. "please, calm down." The seemed more in control of their actions now that they tried to speak clearly. "Please turn around." I feared the worst and turned around to face none other than, Gerard? I shouldn't have been so surprised, we fell asleep together, but I didn't care that I didn't realise it was him. I was just too content with the fact that he was alive and well. I began to sob. Hysteria was coming out of me, and that was it. I grabbed Gerard's shirt with such force, my knuckles turned white. I was a sobbing mess.
It was a good half hour until my sobs died down. Gee was still stroking my hair and it was pleasant, but I had to pull away from him.
"I didn't want you to be dead, and I didn't want you to- to- to be Timmy." I was holding back tears threatening to spill over once again.
"Frankie, I'll never let them take you alive." He whispered to me, and kissed the top of my head. I realised it was a good five in the morning, and we'd need to get up in two hours.
"You promise me, Gee?" He bit his lip, hard, and I can't say that I wasn't enjoying what I was seeing right now, even in my state or shock, and horror.
"Frankie," He breathed my venomous nickname onto my lips. "I promise you so much more than that." For some reason, I couldn't help but be intrigued by his offer.
"Can you?" I asked him, staring only at his horror tainted lips.
"Always." He breathed out once again. I leaned in closer, and closer, slowly closing the gap between us. I could taste his breath, that always seemed to taste like coffee, mint, and cigarettes. It always lingered on his lips, no matter what he ate, or did. He couldn't take it away. It added to his- Gerard-iness. I was also conflicted, whether to deepen the kiss for the first time, or to simply let the gentleness linger, but my body betrayed my brain, and little did I know, I had slowly licked his bottom lip, letting a small moan escape his mouth. We did deepen the kiss however. I was left wondering how the sweet taste of nicotine was so fresh in his mouth when he hadn't smoked, and him probably wondering why my mouth tastes like a sewer. Our tongues danced together, and our lips were sloppily connected, but I didn't care, because he wiped all existence of bad memories away from me. I shortly ran out of breath and pulled away from the beautiful boy. "Frank." My name tumbled off his tongue and past his lips in such a smooth manner that it sent chills down my spine. I examined my crime scene. His lips swollen, red, and parted. His breaths were long, and deep. He was panting, trying to get a decent amount of air into his lungs. His position was being adjusted so he was sitting up, and that I was seated between his legs, instead on on top of them. All I could do was stare. His beauty captivated me and left me breathless.
His hands found their way to my waist, and he pulled me into an unexpected hug. I landed in the most awkward position. One hand, on his chest, yet squashed against my face, and one on his crotch. He quickly let me go as soon as he realised what he had done. Guilt took over his features and he began to panic.
"Gee-" I tried.
"Oh god, Frankie, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, I just wanted to hug you and I didn't mean for you to put your hand there and-" I cut him off.
"Gerard. Listen to me. It happened, it's over with. It's okay." I tilted my head up to capture his perfect, thin, tragedy stained lips in a delicate kiss. I pulled away from him after three seconds flat, and looked down at my hands.
"Frankie, read letter number thirteen." Gerard sighed out. I nodded, and got up. My feet padded against the cool linoleum flooring. I got to my nightstand and took out the thirteenth letter from the pile and walked back to Gerard. I held it out in front of him. A sad smile crept up on his face, and he spread out his arms to me. I placed myself firmly at his side and snuggled him.
"Read it to me, please." I whispered.
"I don't have to. I memorised it." He sadly glanced at me. This must be serious.
"Then recite it." I instructed. He handed it to me and I opened the envelope anyway, pulling out the sheet of paper anyway. He slowly nodded at me and soon his beautiful voice filled the room. It was filled with anger, passion, and love for leaving his destruction.
"The amount of pills I'm taking, counteracts the booze I'm drinking
and this vanity I'm breaking, lets me live my life like this
and well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
Well I'll choose the life I've taken, never mind the friends I'm making
and the beauty that I'm faking lets me live my life like this
And well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
And you can cry all you want to, I don't care how much
You'll invest yourself in me, we're not working out (we're not working out)
We're not working out (we're not working out)
And you can't touch my brother and you can't keep my friends
and we're not working out, we're not working out
This time I mean it, never mind the times I've seen it
Well I hope I'm not mistaken by the news I heard from waking
and it's hard to say I'm shaken, by the choices that I make
and well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
Well I'll choose this life I've taken, never mind the friends I'm making
And I get a little shaken, because I live my life like this
And well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
And you can cry all you want to, I don't care how much
You'll invest yourself in me, we're not working out,
We're not working out
And you can't keep my brother, and you won't fuck my friends
and we're not working out, we're not working out
This time I mean it, never mind the times I've seen it
Never again, never, never again
(and you can cry all you want to, I don't care how much you'll invest yourself in me)
ne.. never... never... never again
(and you can cry all you want to, I don't care how much you'll invest yourself)
ne.. never... never... oh baby let me.. oh baby... oh baby
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
I'm knocking let me in
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
I'm knocking let me in
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in" And fuck, was it ever beautiful.
"What's it called, Gee?" I inquired. "No, first tell me what it's about, then the name. I want it to have more meaning the first time I hear the name." He nodded.
"I don't think I told you, my dear Frankie. I was depressed and bipolar, I was caught up in the wrong crowd, and I had a drug addiction. And I'm so sorry you find out this way. In a hospital, not wanting to see me or talk to me. It's called Honey This Mirror Isn't Big Enough For The Two Of Us because it was either I chose to be me, or I chose to be the me on drugs, and I couldn't be both. Please forgive me. Love always, your, Gee." With that being said, the older man kissed my nose, making me emit a giggle.
"Gee, I wanted to talk to you, so badly. You don't even understand." I sighed out. He looked down at me, and let a tear fall. He leaned over and gently placed a kiss on my lips and sunk down low in the bed, followed by me doing the same, and having him pull me close. At some point our breathing synchronised, and all that was left was the two of us, staring back at one another.
His eyes brought back nostalgia, but I couldn't place exactly what event it was that it triggered. I couldn't remember. It didn't feel quite right though.
"Frankie, I won't let them hurt you, I promise." He sighed out and brought his lips close to mine. "You're beautiful, Frankie. You're so innocent, and clean. You're not dirty like me." His voice turned melancholic.
"Gee," I found his chest in the darkness that surrounded us. "you're beautiful, and clean. Cleaner than I'll ever be." He slipped his hands under my shirt and traced my tattoos as if he'd done so at least once a day for the past fifteen years. "Oh, G-Gerard..." I let out shaky breath. He began to trace the birds I had from my 'Search And Destroy' tattoo.
"Frankie, you're too beautiful." His lips came into contact with mine, but he began to nibble on my lower lip.
"G-G-Gerard, p-p-p-please...." I was a panting, whimpering, mess.
"Hmmm?" Was the only noise he made, still nibbling on my lip.
"I-" I was cut off by Gerard lips crashing into mine, and his skeletal, spider like fingers, finding their way around my hips, and up to my waist once again, but this time, it was skin on skin, and it was the warmest feeling. It sent shivers up and down my spine. Once he pulled away, he placed his forehead against mine and whispered so I could barely hear.
"You're my drug of choice, Frankie. Don't destroy me." He sighed out.
"Self destruction is such a pretty little thing, Gee. And all we are is bullets." I slowly fell asleep to the sound of his occasional snores.
Notes
Sorry I was away for so long. I have a few news updates:1. I have friends!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH! :D
2. I actually nearly died yesterday.
3. I went to karaoke night and performed The Ghost Of You. People actually sang along, and let me sing, and they clapped loud and cheered after.
4. I know what I'm meant to do with my life.
5. I have been sooo busy and I'm so sorry.
BUT IT IS BACK AND FLUFFY FOR NOW! The shitstorm is unravelling, slowly, and surely.
Tell me how it is. <3 :) I love you guys!
xxxSoulless Vampirexxx
See, it seemed like Gee was "killed"in Frank's delusion again. Then, suddenly, Gee was at Frank's funeral, sad but seeing get his ghost. That's why I was confused. So, is this supposed to be a happish ending? Like in Titanic, they both live on together after bc they seem unhappy. At these Gee does.
3/6/17