It’s been a week. Frank, where the fuck are you? You’ve been downright ignoring me. I thought you liked me. Why would you trick me in such an awful way? Why would you say I was cute and kiss me if you weren’t into me? I’ve hardly seen you at school, and you haven’t been at the shirk place either.

I’m such an idiot! Why did I let myself fall for him?! Dear God! I was falling for him! I’m so fucking gullible. You know what? Fuck him. Fuck this world and all the people in it. All people ever do is disappoint me. I should’ve seen it coming by now. I just want someone to trust; someone who appreciates me, but then again, that might be too much to ask for.

I mean what’s the point? We’re all going to die right? We’re all going to hell. None of us are holy. None of us are pure.

I’m scared though. I’m scared of what comes after death. The nothingness you become. The unimportance of it all. It’s like you never actually were there. You justdissappear. Like you were nothing but a memory, and that’s all you’ll ever be. I want to be remembered .

I get the familiar feeling that my dark, imprisoning room is closing in on me. I’m so trapped, so helpless. There’s no one left to save me. Why do I feel so alone? I feel so abandoned. I should be used to that by now, but I’m not. People are meant to love. They are meant to be together, and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to being lonely.

My right hand automatically reaches towards my heart and clenches my shirt as I curl my skinny knees up to my chest. I lay on my cold, hard mattress, in the room filled with nothing but unpleasant memories. My chest is physically aching. It’s so hollow, so empty. I won’t ever get well. I’ll never be the innocent kid I once was.

Tears of longing stream down my cheeks. I just want to go back. I just want Gerard’s warm embrace. I want him to protect me again, his safety. I want his sweet scent back. His breath in the back of my neck. I want him to tell me that I’ll be ok. I want him to tell me that things will work out.

“Oh God…” I cry, not quite getting enough air, and hyperventilating slightly “Why can’t I just go back?”

It’s not as if anyone’s home so no one can hear me, but it’s not as if anyone would care even if they were home. I can’t wait to get out of this place. I feel so worthless here. I’m meant for something bigger than this, I know it.

***************

Why did I take those pills? I’ve been off them since my breakdown. It’s been really difficult, but I’ve managed, for Gee. I stole them from him after he had confiscated them from Frank. Gerard never noticed they were missing. Frank used to be a druggie, but he cleaned up very well. Gerard had to be there for both him and me during our meltdowns. Gerard is so strong.

The drugs leave me in a haze, not quite there, but not quite gone either. Dizzy and exhausted, trapped in my own mind, and drowning in self-hatred.

Gerard says they take away my personality, the pills, that I’m not me when I take them. He says that even my depression is a part of me, and I shouldn’t try to cover it up, especially by taking pills that actually make me feel worse. He makes a valid point, but I need something to numb the pain. I need something to help me forget, if only for a few hours.

My cellphone, lying face down on my nightstand, suddenly vibrates interrupting the slicing silence. I flip it over. It’s Gee.

I rush to pick up, clearing my throat before I do so. “Hey.”

“Hey Mikes. What’s up?” he wonders. His voice is so soothing. Like music to my ears. He makes my racing heart beat slow down a little. I close my eyes and hold on to the safeness.

It’s such a simple question, yet I’m not sure what to answer. Do I say that I need help, that I’m drowning in self-pity and that I need him to pull me out of the quicksand? Do I tell him about the situation with Frank? What about the drugs? Do I tell him about those? No. I’ve already caused him enough pain. I need to do this on my own.

“Nothing.” I reply, ignoring the tears that well up in my eyes. I try to force a smile and sound happy. For him. I hate lying to him. I hate not being able to tell him everything. But he needs this. I quickly change the subject, uncomfortable with the way the focus is on me. “How are things over there?”

“Oh. Pretty good, actually. I love the classes here, and I’ve met so many cool people. Well, I guess you know that already… Yeah, but everything is really good.” He sounds so happy. I should be happy for him.

“oh… good.” I don’t really feel anything.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You sound distant…” Gerard knows me, and he knows when something is up.

His curiosity stresses me. What do I say? “Yeah. I’m fine… just a little busy. Hey Gee, It’s always nice hearing your voice and I really miss you, but I have to go.”

There is a long pause, an awkward silence. “Oh… Ok? Love you, bye.”

I understand his confusion. I’m never the one who has to go. I always want to talk for hours on end. I never have anywhere to be, and I definitely never have anything to hide.

My heart breaks as I hang up. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I can’t be fixed, can’t be alright again… If not for me, for you, Gee. I don't ever want to let you down, and i'm afraid that's what I'll be doing if I tell you what I'm really going through. I want to be ok, for you.

There is so much left unsaid. So much I wish I could tell him, but can’t. He needs to be happy now. The darkness and loneliness of the night may cover me completely, like a blanket hiding me from the light, struggling to keep me down, but I won't let it get him.

And as for Frank, I’m sorry I’m not good enough, I really am, but you will talk to me. I’m not giving up that easily.