If you’re reading this, then it’s probably too late. I can’t stay here on this fucking planet. There’s nothing for me. Why do they always have to fight? Why do I have to be gay? Why do I have to have no friends? I know you will be okay Mikey. Everyone will be okay without me. In fact they’d be better off. Everything I have I leave to you. I love you Mikey. I’m sorry.
Good Bye.

From my bedroom window the street looked both dirty and dark and was covered by a thin layer of frost, joined by a harsh breeze. The only light on the street was that of the dim street lamps that stood on either side of the street. The bright moon reflected in the small puddles of water left by the previous rainfall. I picked up the paper and folded it before I shoved it into my pocket and grabbed my coat hastily, heading eagerly out of my room. I walked out onto the street, sliding on my coat in an attempt to keep warm. The icy breeze caused me to shiver as it hit the back of my neck and I pull the collar up around my neck as I begin to pace carelessly down the street and into the darkness beyond. I didn’t know where I was going nor did I honestly care. If anything serious was going to happen to me it would undoubtedly be for the better. The streets around me were quiet and empty, every house was engulfed by darkness…but at a time like this, it was most expected.

I came to an abrupt stop in yet, another vacant alleyway close by my house and leaned casually against the cold wet bricks, breathing into my hands for more heat. A suspicious looking clique entered the alley and began to walk slowly towards me. I paid little if no attention and kept my eyes focused on the damp cobblestones beneath me. They approached with caution, their feet obscuring my view of the ever-so-boring ground, so I finally decided to face them and brought my eyes up to meet those of a rather surprisingly large guy, whom was standing in front of me. The other guys also had their beady little eyes fixed steadily on me…except one. He seemed to be the smallest guy of the group and he was shaking sightly as he stood in the back, trying to ignoring the scene, so it would appear. “Can I help you?” I whispered breathy.
“Yeah, I think you can baby,” the large guy snarled into the night, grasping impatiently at my crotch, my head thumping as it collided with the wall. He smiled wickedly and reached urgently into his pocket, returning with a click, the metal of the switchblade shining in the moonlight. I stood there silent and still, not daring to fight back or wince in pain. There was no fear. No anxiety. I didn’t care what they wanted to do to. I just wanted it over and done with…now! I closed my eyes, anticipating their next moves as I try to decipher their whispered words amongst each other.
“I think you’re right Ryan,” nudged the stocky, little Italian guy to his left. He looked to be only a litter taller than the quiet one and a pair of boxing gloves was tattooed on his bicep.
“Mario. Allan. Hold him!” Ryan demanded, unbuttoning and pulling down the zipper of my jeans as Allan and Mario took grip of me, pinning me forcefully against the wall. Mario’s skin was greasy and gritty and his fingernails were digging deeply into my arm. I began to struggle as they strongly resisted my efforts. Ryan stepped back, giving himself enough room to strike me in the stomach a couple of times. Finally, he did what I had been anticipating and he took his arm and swung viciously, the cold metal slicing effortlessly into my arm before returning eagerly to my jeans. “Frank, come join in the fun,” smiled Allan evilly. Allan was a scrawny, ugly, little fuck who looked as if he would be a virgin for his entire life.
“No,” the smallest guy mumbled nervously, peering up for a brief moment. “I don’t want to,”
By now, my jeans and boxers were an embarrassing mess down around my ankles and I had been turned around, my face squashed painfully against the dirty wall, my breath visible as I exhaled into the night.
“Leave him alone, Ryan! You two, Mario…Allan, get the fuck away from him,” yelled the mysterious young guy whom they called Frank.
“No, why the fuck should we leave this faggot alone?” questioned Ryan. My eyes grew wide with shock and I wondered how he could have known I was gay and then I realise where I’ve seen them, how they know me. They’re the group at school that everyone is scared of, the clique that everyone has been beaten up by, except me. I have somehow managed to avoid the pleasure of their company…until now that is.

Mario and Allan released me from their hold to join in and argue repeatedly with Frank. I spun around to face them, completely forgetting about my pants and focused on the intriguing conversation that was beginning to take place. Frank placed his hands behind his back hurriedly, pulling a gun from the back of his jeans and pointing the barrel straight at Ryan without the slightest hesitation. “Run! … Fucking run!” he yelled, shooting at me a somewhat startling look. I don’t know what it was inside of me, but I couldn’t bring my legs to do what I wanted them to.
“Are you crazy, Iero?” Ryan yelled.
“Don’t you know better than to bring a knife to a gun fight, Ryan?” Frank asked matter-of-factly before turning to me. “Now run, fucking hell, don’t just stand there for fuck sake. Run god damn it!”
I bent down pulling my boxers and my pants up and high-tailed it out of the alley and down the street with the sound of footsteps trailing close behind me. “Wait,” the familiar voice called. I took the corner sharply and stopped abruptly down a neighbouring street, my chest heaving as I gasp for air. “Why…why did you stop them?” I wondered aloud unknowingly.
“They were going to fucking rape you,” he replied, surprisingly shocked by my curiosity.
“So?” I questioned flatly. I was highly aware of their intentions when they came up to me, but I honestly didn’t care.
“So? How can you say that?” he shrieked. Now that he was standing next to me I realised he was a lot shorter than I initially thought. “You don’t care if they use you, beat you and leave you to die in that alley? Is that what you want? That was what they were going to do and you’re saying you don’t care?”
“Who would? It would have been easier if they just left me to die back there. You shouldn’t have stopped them,”
“I would, I’d care,” Frank says, sounding exasperated.
“You don’t mean that. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I wanted to get raped? It would give me another reason to die,” I spat truthfully.
“I do mean that and why do you want to die so much? I don’t get it,” he asked curiously as he tried to calm himself.
“You wouldn’t understand,”
“Try me,” he said crossing his arms and staring at me rather intensely.
“Leave me alone Frank. You’ve helped me, now fuck off!” I shouted, turning my back on him and strolling away.

Notes

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