I Still Think You're Beautiful

"Gee I gotta go." Frank sighs. We've been sitting on my couch for the past two hours, watching movies and acting all cute and fluffy.
"Noooo don't leave me!" I whine and wrap my arms tightly around his neck. Frank giggles and pats my arm. "Don't goooooo Frankiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!!"

He pushes me off of him and laughs, god I love his fucking laugh. "Babe, I have to. My dad is going to be home in a few minutes..."

I cringe when he mentions his dad, "Frank, I don't feel comfortable with you going home to him. I'm afraid something really bad is going to happen." I sigh and kiss the corner of Frank's mouth.

Franks face drops and he reaches down for my hand, "He stops himself before things get too out of hand Gerard. He never goes too far."
I shake my head and force back the tears that are threatening to fall from eyes, "If anything ever gets to out of hand, you call me. Do you understand?" He swallows and looks into my eyes, "I understand Gee."

"Good." I smile sadly and kiss his lips passionately. He pulls away and giggles, making me smile. There's just something about his laugh that drives me crazy, he sounds like a little girl on crack.
I pause the movie we were watching, which was Paranorman, and get up off the couch, tugging Frank up with me. I grab his wrist lightly, remembering his cuts that haven't healed, and lead him toward the door.
I open is slowly, letting Frank walk out onto the porch before me. I walk out too, closing the door behind us. The sky is a dark grey and moon is shining brightly. Its shines right on Franks face and into his eyes, making the golden specks of his hazel eyes glow .

I step forward and wrap my arms around him, lifting him up of the ground slightly. I kiss his lips softly and smile at him. He blushes and smiles bashfully. I try to hold back tears when I feel how light and boney he is, he literally feels like air. It's scary.
"Are you okay Gee?" He asks me as I put him down.

"F-frank," I stutter, "I L-l- I L-like you, a lot."

He smiles, "Having trouble with your L words?"

"Well I don't want to throw the other word out there like it means nothing."

"I like you a lot too, Gerard." He stands on his tiptoes and and kisses my lips softly. I kiss him back, savoring the moment. Maybe I do love Frank, but I can't let myself fall for him, because everything that falls, eventually breaks.

"Bye Gee." He breathes out when I pull away. I hug him close me one last time and let him go.

"Bye baby." I say. He begins to walk away slowly. I watch him as he walks done the street until I can't see him anymore. "I love you Frank...." I whisper, wishing that I had the guts to say it to his face, but I don't. Everytime I love someone, they leave me.

Like Dahvie.

I dated him for 8 months. He was my first 'I love you.'

He took my virginity.

Then he dumped me the next day over text message.

Never had I felt so depressed in my life. I actually thought I loved him. I was too blinded like some teenage fangirl to notice the little things Dahvie did that showed he didn't want me. He just wanted sex. Nothing else. He's a cold hearted bitch.

After Dahvie I started to whore around, fucking random girls even though I wasnt into them. It was just a bunch one night stands, nothing more. I hadn't felt love for anyone since Dahvie, which was over two years ago.
Then I dated Lindsey when I was 16, and eventually fucked her. That got me popular and now people at school kiss the ground I walk on.

But whatever, I honestly hate the whole 'being popular' thing. Everyone thinks I'm straight and like I've said a thousand times before, they think I bang hot cheerleaders every night. Well, I used to.


⚪⚫⚪

When I get back inside, I crash on the couch, grabbing a cup of coffee before I do so.
I sigh, already missing Frank. I turn on Adventure Time to try and take my mind off him, but it doesn't work. I worry about him, like what if he slips up and cuts? Or what if his dad hurts him? What if he tries to throw up his food?

Stop, Gerard. Stop.

Dont freak yourself out.


I focus my attention on the Tv, watching the cartoon quietly. I've findings my coffee and I'm half asleep when the doorbell rings.
"Fuck." I mumble and turn off the television. I get up off the couch, groaning and walk to the door. I figure that its either Mikey or my mom, but it's not. Its Jared.

"Hi." I say awkwardly and rub the back of my neck. He takes one look at me and bursts into tears. I stand there watching him as he sobs. My heart wrenches and I find myself wrapping my arms around him, planting tiny kisses on his forehead.
I pick him up bridal style and close the door with my foot. I sigh and carry him downstairs to my room, placing him down on the bed.
Jared is a compete mess. His blonde hair is messed up and choppy, he's wearing sweatpants and and a sweatshirt.

That is not like Jared.

At all.


I sit down on the bed next him, rubbing his back as he cries into my shoulder. "What's wrong J?" I whisper, kissing his temple.
"I-I don't-don't k-know." He sobs. "I-I n-need y-you. I-I love y-you."

"But Jared." I sigh "I can't-"

"Because you're dating Frank." He spits, pulling away from me, "I know."

"Im sorry, I just....I just.....Jared, listen. If I wasn't with him, I would date you. But, Im in love. I'm sorry." I whisper, looking into his golden eyes.

Jared stares at me for a second. I look at his lips, then his eyes, them his lips again. I move in closed to him, tilting my head. Next thing I know, his lips are on mine and his fingers are knotting in my hair. His lips move softly against mine as my hands trail up and down his arms, my thumbs rubbing circles in his shoulders.
And before I can react, his tongue is in my mouth tangling with mine. He yanks on my hair, causing me to moan, something I deeply regret. Jared grabs my shoulders and pins me down the bed, wrapping his legs around my waist. My hands slide under his sweatshirt, holding his hips softly. He kisses me harder, our teeth clashing, and that's when I realize what I'm doing.
I take back my tongue and pull my hands away. Jared climbs off me and clamps his hand over his mouth.

I feel wetness on my face. I touch my cheeks and my fifingertips are moist with tears, black eyeliner also coming off along with them.
"Gerard, I-I-" Jared stutters.
"Just-just leave!" I sob and point to my door. He nods and runs out, not saying a word.

I turn over and cry into my pillow, reusing that I'm a cheater.

Notes