Forget About The Dirty Looks.

Frank's POV
I almost got my wish. I almost didn't wake up from my sleep. Apparently, I died once, but they managed to resuscitate me. It wasn't even a complicated surgery... But, they had found me almost dead, I suppose.
I'd just come out of surgery, not even on a stretcher even though I died, even if it was only for a minute, when I had to go in a lift with Gerard. I thought it was him, but he looks completely different in clothes that aren't black, and I'd been thrown off. He asked if they could take the stairs, that hurt a lot.
Does he hate me now? He didn't even want to be in an elevator with me. The whole time, he looked like he was in pain. Well, he might've been, from last night. The love-bites on his neck....
I know I shouldn't feel this way, I broke up with him, but I still love him. I love him so much, but he needs to sort himself out. The way he's acting at the minute, it's terrible.
I think he saw me cry, the doors weren't shut properly when I broke down. I gave the nurse a scare, I locked myself in the en-suite and didn't come out for almost three hours. Eventually, the called Bob and he managed to get me out. He left shortly after, he needed to go back to work, but I was glad he cared enough to come in the first place.
I got sent to bed after my little meltdown, I felt like a five year old again. I used to get sent to bed nearly every night, my dad didn't want me to see him beat my mom. I could still hear it though, like I could hear it while I tried to get to sleep last night. Also, my nightmares are back. It was my first night since I escaped that I didn't have any pain medication numbing my feelings, so I got it hard.
I must have been screaming, but nobody came. Not my mom, not Gerard. I think that was the worst part, not having the nightmare, but afterwards. I woke up, still reliving the dream, sweaty and out of breath. I calmed myself enough so I didn't have a panic attack, but it was close. I didn't have anybody to sing 'Asleep' to me, I didn't have anybody to hold me close and tell me everything's going to be okay. I realized, for the first time, that I am completely alone. Sure, I have Mikey, Ray and Bob, but they were all Gerard's friends first, apart from Bob. I have Donna, but I barely know her, I'm not going to ask her to sing to me after a nightmare every night.
I don't even have Gerard anymore. I miss him. I miss how he smells, I miss having my face pressed up against his neck, I miss just lying with him, talking about anything that pops into our heads. This is hard. Really fucking hard.
I curse myself for not making her put more morphine in the tube. I just want to die, why can't I? Why couldn't dad have just finished me off? Why couldn't the fire I set have caught me, letting me burn with mom and dad?
She won't even have a burial, I made sure of that. They couldn't even find where she died, let alone her remains. I'm so guilty, all the fucking time, and I hate it. I hate everything. Most of all, I hate myself. I let my mom die. I murdered my own father. I broke up with Gerard. I burnt down the house, not letting my mom have a proper funeral. I ruin everything. Everything.
I bet, that if I swallowed a load of pills and died, nobody would miss me. Maybe Bob and Donna. I should just do it now. Instead of laying around thinking about doing it, I should just do it. There are spare pills in one of the cupboards. they are there in case I need emergency pain relief. I think I have enough emotional pain for this to be considered an emergency...
I sit up, wincing at the soreness in my back. My wounds are getting better everyday, but I don't care. I'm going to die still having to be pushed around in a wheelchair, still having casts on my fingers. But, before I die, I want to strum a guitar again. I've missed playing music. The guitar the guys got me for my birthday is still propped up in the corner. The only problem is that I might not be able to get over there. I can't push the wheelchair by myself, that's for sure. I know, I'll crawl.
I heave myself off the bed, trying to land softly on the floor. I don't quite manage it and I land pretty harshly on my backside. I wince but move forward anyway. Soon enough, I won't feel any pain, anyway. I reach the guitar. I pick it up, still in awe over the design. I strum it gently, but instead of a beautiful noise, it's harsh and rough. It's out of tune, of course. I tune it the best I can with the cast still on and play it again. It sounds much better this time. I strum for about five minutes, them realize what I set out to do.
I want to be able to stand and walk at least once before I die, so I try to stand up. I manage it, but it hurts like a motherfucker. Every step I take, I think I look like an old man with scoliosis. I'm glad nobody's here to witness this, they'd probably laugh.
I start to search through the cupboards, looking for the glorious container of pills. I find them in the last one I look in, typical. I grip at the bottle with shaky hands. I only now notice that I'm breathing rapidly, on the brink of hyperventilation. I take a second to calm myself down and I breathe in and out a few times.
When I'm calmer, I look at the bottle. More specifically, the label; the recommended dosage. It says two to three pills. I'm going to have the whole fucking bottle, then. I'm not taking any chances, not this time.
I want to see Gerard for the last time. I want to tell him I'm sorry and that I love him. I might even give him a hug. I can't go without saying goodbye. With a sigh, I put the pills into the drawer closest to my bed, so I won't have to move too far when I actually do it.
I climb back into bed, and call the nurse. She runs in, her eyes scanning me. When she sees I'm okay, she smiles.
"What's up, Frank?" I like this nurse, her name's Iris. She likes the same shit as I do, we get along well.
"Can I go see Gerard?" She thinks for a second, probably thinking it's a bad idea because of our argument in the elevator. "Please? I need to.. apologize.." I pout at her and she nods, sighing. She helps me into my wheelchair and pushes me to the elevator. It seems like the ride down takes forever. I get more anxious as we go down each floor. I start to breathe heavier, but I try to calm it down so Iris doesn't reconsider her agreement.
We reach his floor and she pushes me to his room. She knocks three times. I hear a muffled sigh and a sleepy 'come in'. I take a deep breath and hold it as she pushes me in. Gerard's lying on the bed, his eyes closed.
"Hey, you have a visitor?" He cracks an eye open, lazily, but when he sees it's me, both of the open up straight away and he sits up. I smile at him shyly. He doesn't smile back, but he isn't giving me any dirty looks, he's just surprised. Iris giggles at him and I feel her back away.
"I'll leave you two to it. You have twenty minutes, Frank, okay?" I nod at her calling a small goodbye.
Me and Gerard stare at each other, not wanting to break the peaceful silence.
"Hey." My voice is soft and even I can hear the love I put into it.
"Hi," His isn't so soft, but it's nicer than the last times we've talked. "I don't mean to sound rude, Frank, but what are you doing here?" I just smile at him, I can't tell him the real reason I've come down here. I shrug and look down. I decide to just come out with what I have to say.
"Gerard, I just want you to know that I love you. Even though I broke up with you, I still love you so much, you know that right?" He's starting to look slightly uncomfortable and he nods, shifting slightly. He coughs and sits on his hands.
"I know, Frankie." I nod at him. I don't know what else to say, I need to say so much.
"And, I want you to look after yourself, Gerard. When I'm gon-." I cut myself off, making Gerard look at me strangely. "I mean, uh.." I trail off, I don't know what to say without giving away what I have planned. I want to get closer to him, I need to be able to smell his comforting scent one more time.
"Can you, uh, push me closer. I.. want to be able to talk to you face to face.." He nods and gets up. He's so close. I want to reach my arm up and touch him. I want to kiss and hug him. I'm almost crying, but Gerard stops pushing me and I have to pull myself together.
"Are you okay?" He asks me once he's sat back down. I nod, trying my best to look honest. He nods at me, but I don't think he bought my lie.
"Look after yourself. Stop getting into shit with Craig, I won't be there to help you, not again." I keep my tone light-hearted but I fail and my voice sounds choked. I cough and swallow, trying to loosen up my voice a bit. He nods at me again. When I'm up close, I notice he looks terrible. Well, he looks beautiful, as usual, but his eyes are bloodshot and puffy, his hair is tangled and his clothes are mismatched.
"Are you okay?" I ask him this time. He looks at me for a second and I see that in his eyes, he really isn't okay. He's actually a fucking mess, but he nods anyway. I decide to drop it, not wanting any arguments.
"Good," I nod again. "I hate this.. I'm so sorry, Gee." My voice cracks and Gerard looks at me. I bet he thinks I'm apologizing for breaking up with him, but there's so much more I'm saying sorry for as well.
"It's okay, Frankie. I.. deserve it. I'm a shitty person, don't try to tell me otherwise." I let a tear escape but wipe it away instantly. I don't say anything back because I agree with him, to a certain extent. He can be the sweetest person you've ever met, but sometimes he can also be someone you wish you'd never met.
"I'm glad I met you, Gerard. I'm glad we shared our moments together, even if this did end badly. All I regret is how it ends. I wish it didn't have to be this way." He's clueless to what I actually mean. If he does still love me, even a little bit, he's going to be devastated.
"I.. I'm glad I met you, too." He looks puzzled. "Are you sure you're okay?" I nod again, knowing that if I speak my voice will give my lies away. We hear a knock on the door. Iris calls out my name. It's been twenty minutes already?
"H.. Hold on! Five more minutes!" She shouts back a slightly annoyed sound that could be an okay. I turn back to Gerard. This is the last time I'll ever see of him again. This revelation hits me hard and before I know it I'm kissing him.
He freezes, but then kisses me back. My heart's pounding. I put as much force as I can into it, Gerard does the same. The kiss is desperate and passionate. Tears leak from my tear ducts wetting both of our cheeks. I think Gerard can tell something's going on, because when I pull away he grips onto me, his eyes wide and scared.
"I love you, Gerard. Don't ever forget that, okay?" He nods again and pulls me into a hug. I press my face into his neck, breathing in his smell.
"I love you, too." My heart clenches at those three words. This whole thing has become just a whole lot harder. He mutters things into my hair, holding me as if he doesn't ever want to let go. He pulls away, still gripping me. He stares me straight in my eyes, searching them.
"Whatever is going on, Frank, stop it. You're scaring me," He pulls me to him again and I silently thank him, glad that he can't see my tears.
"Nothing's going on, okay? I'm fine, you're fine.. We're all.. fine." My voice is muffled and you can't tell that I'm lying. He squeezes me harder and I do the same to him. He pulls away and kisses me again.
We kiss for longer than five minutes and when we pull away we're both panting. I hear a cough at the door and feel Iris start to walk towards us.
"Hate to break this up, but, Frank, you have to get back to your room. You weren't supposed to even come out." I sigh at her words. I kiss him once more, a short sweet kiss. I smile at him.
"Goodbye, Gerard. I love you." The Iris is wheeling me away, leaving Gerard sat there with a confused look on his face.
We get back to room in no time and soon I'm back in my bed, the pills in my hand. I open the cap and tip them out. They fall into a heap on my sheets. I count them out. There's twenty two pills. I set them all into a line and look at them. Should I go through with this? My heart is telling me no, but my mind is shouting yes at the top of it's lungs.
My thoughts over-power my heart and soon I've swallowed one pill. Then, I swallow another. And another. If I stop now, I'll be okay. I'll live to see another day. I don't want that though. I want to die, don't I?
Yes, I do.
I swallow another. The another, then another. I've had six, but I can't feel any effect yet. I grab the empty bottle and read the instructions. It says it take about twenty five minutes for two pills to take effect, twenty for three. I swallow another. There are fifteen left. I swallow another. Fourteen. Three minutes later, there's only one left. I swallow it, sealing my fate and lie down, a twisted smile on my face. I get myself comfortable, wanting to die in relative comfort.
I start to feel light-headed, my head starts to spin. So, this is it. I'll be dead in less than seven minutes, hopefully.
The door-knob rattles. They can't open it, I put a chair up against it. With a lot of difficulty, might I add. They bang on the door. Everything seems like it's happening underwater, it sounds sluggish and slow. I suddenly feel the need to throw up. I need to keep the contents of my stomach down, though, otherwise the pills will only make me ill.
The banging on the door is accompanied by a male voice now. It sounds familiar, but my brain has seemed to have stopped working. They sound terrified, whoever it is. The bangs get louder and louder. One last bang, and everything goes quiet.
But, that could just be me passing out and dying...

Notes

Cliffhanger.....
Sorry! I had to...
Hope you like it... Thanks for reading!xo