Crossing the Line
Chapter 1
Crossing the Line: Chapter 1 (Mikey's POV)
Unnamed music was blaring out of my clock radio. I blindly groped for the source of the noise on my nightstand, not ready to open my eyes just yet. I successfully found the correct button, effectively turning off the alarm. I sighed and lied in bed a moment longer, then stretched my body. I finally opened my hazel eyes and looked at the white ceiling. I realized it was Friday and a smile appeared on my lips. Besides the fact it was the last day of school for the week, my parents were leaving today for a two week long business trip. Gee and I would have the house to ourselves!
I had always loved my big brother dearly. I was not entirely sure when my feelings for him turned incestuous, but they had not gone away, no matter how wrong I thought they were. The love I had for him made me sick. I crossed the line that no brother should ever even come near, and I hated myself for it. Resisting the urges to touch him the way a lover would was the only thing I could do. Gerard would never speak to me again if he knew the sinful and disgusting feelings I possessed. Thankfully he would never know. I would never let my own feelings jeopardize the close relationship we had.
Doing my best to put these bad thoughts to rest in the back of my mind, I put on my glasses, jumped out of bed, and headed downstairs for breakfast. I had to stay positive. The next two weeks were going to be awesome and I could not let my stupid feelings get in the way. I greeted my mom with a kiss on the cheek as she poured herself some coffee. My dad was sitting in his chair at the table in the kitchen reading the paper, his own cup of coffee in front of him.
“Good morning, Michael,” Dad said from behind the sports section. He knew it was me and not my brother, since I was always the first one up between the two of us. Gee is not much of a morning person.
“Hey, dad,” I retorted, grabbing the items needed for a bowl of cereal. Mom placed a mug of coffee in front of me, and another by the chair to my right for Gerard. We were a family of coffee addicts and could not function without the caffeinated substance. I quickly finished eating and put my dirty dishes in the sink. I sat back down across from dad and sipped my coffee. My god did it taste heavenly. It was just what I needed to start to the day.
Gerard walked in a second later with a smile adorning his features. Such an occurrence was rare in the Way household. As I had said before, Gerard was not a morning person, so seeing him so awake and chipper was bizarre.
“Morning, bro. Why are you so happy?” I asked, giving him a curious look. Something was definitely up for him to act this way.
“It’s our one year anniversary today,” Gee announced with pride. My heart ached with that statement, but I did not let my pain show. If Gerard was happy, I was happy. I feigned joy with a flash of my white teeth.
“Oh, that’s great, hun,” my mom congratulated from over her shoulder while packing her lunch for the day. My father mumbled something similar from behind the newspaper. Gerard’s smiled widened slightly and walked toward me to ruffle my already messy hair. The pain in my chest dulled somewhat from the loving gesture. He took the seat next to me and began his first cup of coffee for the day.
“Alright, boys. While we’re gone, please don’t set the house on fire,” my mother joked. “There is more than enough money on the counter to feed you for our time away. Mikey, listen to your brother, he’s in charge. No parties or girls over. Gerard, you are allowed to go over your girlfriend’s house, but only if her parents are home, got it?”
“Yeah, mom, got it,” he answered. They had been through this conversation a million times, but mom liked to be thorough.
“Okay, I think that is everything. Have fun and be careful. I love you,” she smiled, giving both of us a hug and kiss. My father put down the paper and placed his empty coffee mug in the sink. He hugged us as well and told us to be good. I sighed as he followed mom out of the house and toward the luggage filled car. This was the beginning to our two weeks alone. We were free! Although it was Gee’s one year anniversary, I was not going to let that bother me.
“Fourteen days without adult supervision. Hell yeah!” Gerard cheered and gave me a high five. He could be such a kid when he wanted to, and at other times he would act like the seventeen year old he really was.
I hopped up out of my seat and put my used mug with the rest of the dirty dishes. I began my daily routine of getting ready for school. I rushed up to the bathroom and relieved myself, washed my hands, and brushed my teeth. I returned to my bedroom to change my clothes. I decided on a tight pair of jeans and my white Anthrax shirt; they were my favorite band after all. I went back downstairs to put on my shoes I left by the door the previous day. They were white converses with black stars; I loved them to death. Gerard appeared in the living room actually ready on time. This would be the second phenomenon of the day, and we still hadn’t even left the house! He was wearing a snug fitting black Iron Maiden shirt, his tightest pair of black pants, and a silver studded belt for decoration. He obviously did not need a belt for those pants, which looked as if they were painted on his skin.
“Let’s go, freshman,” Gee taunted, followed by a giggle. That’s right, Gerard giggled. I thought it was cute, like him.
“Shut up,” I laughed back. He had been calling me that since the first day of school, and probably won’t quit until the school year is over. Just like any other high school, the freshmen were the most hated. Hmm I wonder why? Oh, wait. The majority of ninth graders were basically sluts and would act as if they owned the school. That may have been why. I was not a part of that majority, but far from it. I did very well in school, yet I would not classify myself as a nerd, although some might say I look like one. I was just me, no cliques attached, despite my “nerdy” glasses. Gee said he liked my glasses when I first got them, which made me swell up with happiness at the time. I did not give a fuck what everyone else thought after that. Gerard was the artist of the family, and man, could he draw! I was always amazed at the masterpieces he created, which was something I could never do in my wildest dreams.
We grabbed our school things and left the house, locking the front door behind us. Since Gerard was a senior and had his license, he was able to drive us to school every day and park in the senior parking lot. It beat taking the bus to school; for we could sleep in and drive straight to school, opposed to waking up earlier to run to the bus stop and pray to god we didn’t miss it. Yeah, having an older brother did have its perks.
Gee and I made it to school just in time to hear the bell ring, signaling students they had to make their way toward their respective homerooms before the homeroom bell rang in another two minutes. I hugged Gerard before departing in the direction of my homeroom, which were organized alphabetically and by grade. I did not have any classes with my brother because we were in different years, but we did share the same lunch period. Although the two cafeterias are separated (freshmen and sophomores in one, juniors and seniors in the other) I sneaked into the upperclassmen cafeteria to hang with Gerard. Luckily my tall height helped me blend in and I had never been caught for being in the wrong room.
When sixth period lunch finally rolled around, I easily found my brother and his friends in their usual spot, the booth in the far corner. I would not say they were his friends, now that I thought about it. I mean, they were originally, but they became my friends as well. I sat next to my brother, of course, and opposite of us was Ray Toro, a puffy haired brunet who was killer at guitar and had an obsession with cereal bars, and Bob Bryar, a quiet blonde with amazing skills at drums. We always made fun of Bob because he was a member of the marching band, in the percussion section, obviously.
Nothing unusual took place at lunch, except for Gee going on and on about the anniversary. I tried to look just excited as him, to make him happy. It was really killing me on the inside. Why couldn’t he talk about me that way? As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I buried it. I was being selfish thinking such a thing; I should be happy for my big brother, even if he was unknowingly hurting me in the process.
The end of the lunch period sounded with another bell. I said goodbye to everyone and moved quickly to my next class, Algebra. This was the only period I could spend time with my best friend Frankie Iero, who looked scene with his makeup and fashion sense. He was a little short for his age and he would get irritated when anyone brought up that fact. I could tell him anything, well, almost everything. Frank knew I was gay and had a crush on some guy, and he was fine with that, especially when I said it was not him. The thing he was not aware of was the guy I was in love with. It’s kind of sad, really. I could not even tell my best friend I loved my brother in a not so brotherly way. That was the only secret I kept from him.
Algebra went by quickly as usual. Frankie and I whispered quietly to each other when Mrs. Dolan’s back was to us. She turned around from the white board sharply, in hopes of catching the students not paying attention. Her tactic had not worked out well so far. Frank and I did very well and that class and really did not need to give her our full attention. We were not disrespecting her or anything; it was only because we had learned all this crap in middle school for crying out loud. Why were we being taught the same stuff again? It was pointless, if you asked me, but I did not particularly care after I figured out Frankie and I could goof off during class and still get an excellent grades.
The bell rang once again, so Frank and I hugged and said our good byes before departing for our next period class. The rest of the day seemed to drag on after that. I did not share any classes with my friends in my remaining two periods, so time moved more slowly in my mind. The bell finally rang its last annoying ring for the day, and I smiled. Gee and I were going to get home and have the house for ourselves! Now that school was done for the week, the reality of that seemed more tangible. I rushed to my locker to put away the books I did not need and took out the necessary ones.
I met up with Gee like I do every day after school, by the main office entrance. When he was in sight I could tell that he was visibly upset, which took me by complete surprise. Gerard had been cheerful the entire day, even though the reason for that happiness caused a sharp pain in my heart. He was perfectly fine at lunch. What could have happened in those last three periods to put him in such a state? My big brother turned and his eyes connected with mine immediately. He motioned with his head for me to follow him and I did so. The deadly aura surrounding him told me it was best not to speak with him at the moment. I slid into the passenger’s seat, buckled my seatbelt, and kept my mouth shut.
The ride home was totally silent; he did not even bother to turn on the radio to fill said silence. I was concerned for my brother. I hated to see him upset, but there was no way I could have helped without getting a verbal thrashing. Gerard’s hands gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were turning white. All I was able to do was look at him helplessly. After what seemed like forever, we finally made it home. Gee and I would usually talk about our day and whatnot, which would make the ride home that much quicker. Today was not the case.
With his face still contorted in anger, Gee turned off the car, pocketed the key and got out of the car with the strap to his school bag over his shoulder. He slammed his car door and stomped his way toward the house. Fortunately, I exited the vehicle before him and rushed toward the house to unlock the front door. He would have probably gone ballistic if the door had not opened right away. When Gee was on a short fuse, the tiniest little thing like waiting to enter the house would set him off. I did not want the neighbors to see my brother like that.
I opened the door and made sure I would not block my brother path once he made it inside. I sat on the couch in the living room with my school books next to me. Gee entered the house a second later, still having not said a single word to me since lunch. He threw his school bag down on the floor fiercely. The sound was startling and caused me to jump slightly. He continued stomping downstairs to his bedroom in the basement. Gee slammed the door shut and I could hear a soft click, which meant he locked his door.
The house was dead silent for a minute or two. I contemplated checking on him, that is, until what happened next. Gerard started yelling incoherently and made a lot of noise. I pictured him throwing things across the room and hitting his bedroom walls. He was so loud. The only intelligible thing I could catch was “fucking bitch” and then some more screaming followed.
I hated when my brother got like this. It did not happen very often, but it killed me inside because I could not help him right away. I had to wait until he tired himself out and cooled down before I could go to him. I sighed to myself and took my schoolwork to my room. I might as well do something to pass the time while Gee was on a rampage.
I finished my homework in a half hour period. I could not hear my big brother making any noise, but felt that it was still too soon to approach him at this point. I watched TV for a while, and then got bored with it after about an hour. To occupy myself, I started dinner. What’s something so easy a culinary retarded fifteen year old could make it? Mac & Cheese, of course. Who honestly did not like Easy Mac? Well, maybe someone who was lactose intolerant… Okay, besides those people, then.
I poured the cheese covered noodles into two bowls and set them on the kitchen table with spoons adjacent to them. I believed now would be the best time to check on Gerard. I was getting more worried with each passing second. Remembering Gee locked his door, I swiped the key from my parents’ room that could unlock every door in the house. I warily made my way down the stairs, doing my best to make as little noise as possible.
I carefully inserted the key into the keyhole and turned it. The door unlocked and I put the key in my right front pocket. I slowly turned the gold knob, while pushing the door open a crack with my other hand. When the door was opened just enough to fit my body, I poked my head inside.
“Gee?” I said quietly, not wanting to surprise him. I could see my brother from my place by the door. He was slumped in his wooden desk chair facing the corner of the room closest to my right. On the floor was two empty cartons of orange juice and in his hand was a quarter full bottle of vodka, another empty vodka bottle was by his feet.
I cringed at the sight before me. Gerard was so upset he resorted to drinking screwdrivers… not the tool! It is a drink… a mix of vodka and orange juice. Ever heard of it? You’re impossible. Why and how would he drink a tool? Anyway, he had a mini refrigerator in his room for those times when he needed complete focus on what he was drawing or painting that he could not leave his room. He must have stashed those bottles of vodka there, I concluded.
Taking a moment to look around, I noticed his room was in total disarray. Although he did leave his artwork everywhere on a normal basis, this time was different. Things like paintings, drawings, and sketches were torn, shredded, and balled up in piles on the floor. Paint cans were knocked over (their contents had not spilled, thankfully) and his desk drawers had been relocated across the room. I did not believe he heard me when I called to him, for he continued looking up at the ceiling, his eyes unfocused.
As my eyes traveled down his body, I noticed the rather large bulge in his pants and automatically blushed, averting my eyes to his shoeless and sockless feet. I nearly forgot that when Gee got drunk, he also got aroused as well, no matter the situation. He could be upset like he was now and still be rock hard. I swallowed the lump in my throat and willed the color in my face away.
I called his name again, a little louder this time. I caught his attention and he lazily lolled his head in my direction. Anger was still etched onto his beautiful, pale face, but not as much as earlier.
He stared at me for about a minute before slurring calmly, “I made her that.” He motioned toward a picture in the pile with his hand that was holding the glass bottle. I was not sure which one, but I nodded my head anyway. “I was going to give it to her later today for our anniversary, but no. The fucking bitch dumps me.”
Gerard’s voice got steadily louder and angrier as he went on. I slid my body in between the door and the doorframe, and then closed the door behind me silently. I was happy on the inside that Gee and she weren’t together anymore; but I could not let him know that. “How the hell could she do that?! Why the fuck…?! I cared about her so much and look what I get! Absolutely nothing! God, I want to kill that whore!”
He struggled to get to his feet and took a few steps toward me before stumbling over the mess on the floor. I immediately appeared by his side to stop him from falling, placing my hands on his hips while trying to ignore the tent in his pants. Gee continued ranting, “Ah, fuck! Why did I think it would last?! God, damn I’m a fucking idiot! No one fucking cares about me!”
“I care about you,” I interrupted. He looked at me confused, so I added with a hug. “I love you, Gee.”
He dropped the alcoholic beverage and hugged me back, which made me glad. He was going to get through this. Without warning, I was suddenly pushed with my back against the wall.
“What?” I blurted out before my brother thrust his tongue into my mouth. The taste of vodka and orange juice invaded my taste buds. My eyes widened when realization of what was happening hit me, and Gerard pulled back.
“Let’s see how much you really love me,” he growled. My arms were pinned between our bodies as he raped my mouth with his tongue. His body was pressed hard against mine and I could feel his arousal on my hip. I was frozen in my spot; I did not know what to do. One side of my brain told me to let it happen. The man I have secretly been in love with for years was kissing me so enjoy it. The other side argued that it was my older brother! I was fucking sick to indulge in such a thing. I pulled away and looked into his eyes for the answer. Gee’s hazel eyes were glossed over from his earlier activities and filled with lust. He did not love me the way I dreamed he would, but was too drunk to realize he was making out with his baby brother. I did not want it… not like this.
I struggled to get free, but was only pushed harder into the pale gray wall. He screamed, “You’re not leaving me too! I won’t let you!”
Even in his drunken state, Gerard was much stronger than me. I could not get away from my brother’s hold. His right hand was gripping my hair harshly, which prevented my head from any movement. He slipped his other hand in between us and roughly grabbed my package and massaged it. I could not help but let a moan escape my mouth, despite my efforts of swallowing the sound. The only way I wanted Gee to touch me like this was when he meant it, not while he was under the influence.
I supposed he mistakenly took my surprised moan as one for desire, for he then grabbed my wrists and forcefully moved me on his bed. Before I could even react, he was on me and picked up where he had left off. Gee continued touching and kissing me as I laid there, eyes closed tightly and motionless. He stopped his ministrations for a moment, and I cracked an eye open, thinking he passed out or something. I thought wrong. Still straddling me, he pulled his Iron Maiden shirt up over his head and starting working on his belt. A new fear went up my spine and what was going to happen next slapped me in the face.
I began struggling again, but all my efforts were fruitless. Gee moved up my body and sat on my chest, his body weight keeping me immobile. Now was a time I wish I was not so lanky. He switched his body around so his back was facing me. His hands fumbled with my own jeans at this point, and my incessant kicking was only aiding him in the removal of my pants, which was the opposite of what I was trying to accomplish.
He flipped back around after my pants were removed; his jean clad crotch rubbed against my boxer covered one, creating an amazing friction. Another unwanted sound erupted from my throat and a grin appeared on his face.
“Please, Gee! Stop!” I begged tears forming in my eyes. My pleading fell on deaf ears; for he removed my glasses, tossing them in a random direction, and angrily took my lips once again. Gee took off my shirt and boxers and practically ripped off his jeans, the lack of boxers having to do with the fact he was wearing his tightest pair of pants. There was no room for the undergarment when wearing them.
Tears were freely falling from my eyes, traveling down my face. Gerard took no notice and without a word, pulled my legs over his shoulders and slammed himself into my entrance. I screamed in agony from the sudden pain. There was no stretching, no preparation, only a groan of pleasure from the male above me. My brother was hurting me emotionally, and now he was hurting my physically. He continued thrusting in and out of my tight and fragile body at a quick pace. All I could do was cry and scream, begging him to stop. He once again did not hear me.
“Is this how you like it?!” he shouted, moving even more roughly.
My body felt like it was being split in two. The indescribable pain was getting worse, and I began to feel a liquid escaping my hole. The man I was in love with was making me bleed. I clawed at the sheets beneath me, a useless attempt at gaining a grip on something, anything. Even through all of this, I was somehow still aroused. Damn this betraying body. I started jerking myself off, trying to focus on something pleasurable to ignore the anguish plaguing my body. It did not work like I had hoped, but I did manage to rid my erection away. I believed the tightening of my muscles from coming made Gee go over the edge; since he released himself in my body moments later.
He collapsed on my beaten and cum covered body, falling asleep right away. The cum stung my insides, and some exited my body along with more blood. My tears had not ceased since they began when my big brother first entered my body. I laid there for a while, not being able to move an inch. My brother just raped me. I had always dreamed of Gerard and me engaging in sexual activities, but I most definitely did not have in mind the event that had recently taken place. How could someone I loved so dearly afflict such agony upon me?
I knew the answer to that question after a minute of contemplation. I deserved the treatment I received. This was God getting me for my sinful and incestuous feelings for my brother. I was never to gain the love I craved for, and was punished for said cravings with rape carried out by the one I loved. I cried even harder from my conclusion until I finally fell asleep from exhaustion.
Unnamed music was blaring out of my clock radio. I blindly groped for the source of the noise on my nightstand, not ready to open my eyes just yet. I successfully found the correct button, effectively turning off the alarm. I sighed and lied in bed a moment longer, then stretched my body. I finally opened my hazel eyes and looked at the white ceiling. I realized it was Friday and a smile appeared on my lips. Besides the fact it was the last day of school for the week, my parents were leaving today for a two week long business trip. Gee and I would have the house to ourselves!
I had always loved my big brother dearly. I was not entirely sure when my feelings for him turned incestuous, but they had not gone away, no matter how wrong I thought they were. The love I had for him made me sick. I crossed the line that no brother should ever even come near, and I hated myself for it. Resisting the urges to touch him the way a lover would was the only thing I could do. Gerard would never speak to me again if he knew the sinful and disgusting feelings I possessed. Thankfully he would never know. I would never let my own feelings jeopardize the close relationship we had.
Doing my best to put these bad thoughts to rest in the back of my mind, I put on my glasses, jumped out of bed, and headed downstairs for breakfast. I had to stay positive. The next two weeks were going to be awesome and I could not let my stupid feelings get in the way. I greeted my mom with a kiss on the cheek as she poured herself some coffee. My dad was sitting in his chair at the table in the kitchen reading the paper, his own cup of coffee in front of him.
“Good morning, Michael,” Dad said from behind the sports section. He knew it was me and not my brother, since I was always the first one up between the two of us. Gee is not much of a morning person.
“Hey, dad,” I retorted, grabbing the items needed for a bowl of cereal. Mom placed a mug of coffee in front of me, and another by the chair to my right for Gerard. We were a family of coffee addicts and could not function without the caffeinated substance. I quickly finished eating and put my dirty dishes in the sink. I sat back down across from dad and sipped my coffee. My god did it taste heavenly. It was just what I needed to start to the day.
Gerard walked in a second later with a smile adorning his features. Such an occurrence was rare in the Way household. As I had said before, Gerard was not a morning person, so seeing him so awake and chipper was bizarre.
“Morning, bro. Why are you so happy?” I asked, giving him a curious look. Something was definitely up for him to act this way.
“It’s our one year anniversary today,” Gee announced with pride. My heart ached with that statement, but I did not let my pain show. If Gerard was happy, I was happy. I feigned joy with a flash of my white teeth.
“Oh, that’s great, hun,” my mom congratulated from over her shoulder while packing her lunch for the day. My father mumbled something similar from behind the newspaper. Gerard’s smiled widened slightly and walked toward me to ruffle my already messy hair. The pain in my chest dulled somewhat from the loving gesture. He took the seat next to me and began his first cup of coffee for the day.
“Alright, boys. While we’re gone, please don’t set the house on fire,” my mother joked. “There is more than enough money on the counter to feed you for our time away. Mikey, listen to your brother, he’s in charge. No parties or girls over. Gerard, you are allowed to go over your girlfriend’s house, but only if her parents are home, got it?”
“Yeah, mom, got it,” he answered. They had been through this conversation a million times, but mom liked to be thorough.
“Okay, I think that is everything. Have fun and be careful. I love you,” she smiled, giving both of us a hug and kiss. My father put down the paper and placed his empty coffee mug in the sink. He hugged us as well and told us to be good. I sighed as he followed mom out of the house and toward the luggage filled car. This was the beginning to our two weeks alone. We were free! Although it was Gee’s one year anniversary, I was not going to let that bother me.
“Fourteen days without adult supervision. Hell yeah!” Gerard cheered and gave me a high five. He could be such a kid when he wanted to, and at other times he would act like the seventeen year old he really was.
I hopped up out of my seat and put my used mug with the rest of the dirty dishes. I began my daily routine of getting ready for school. I rushed up to the bathroom and relieved myself, washed my hands, and brushed my teeth. I returned to my bedroom to change my clothes. I decided on a tight pair of jeans and my white Anthrax shirt; they were my favorite band after all. I went back downstairs to put on my shoes I left by the door the previous day. They were white converses with black stars; I loved them to death. Gerard appeared in the living room actually ready on time. This would be the second phenomenon of the day, and we still hadn’t even left the house! He was wearing a snug fitting black Iron Maiden shirt, his tightest pair of black pants, and a silver studded belt for decoration. He obviously did not need a belt for those pants, which looked as if they were painted on his skin.
“Let’s go, freshman,” Gee taunted, followed by a giggle. That’s right, Gerard giggled. I thought it was cute, like him.
“Shut up,” I laughed back. He had been calling me that since the first day of school, and probably won’t quit until the school year is over. Just like any other high school, the freshmen were the most hated. Hmm I wonder why? Oh, wait. The majority of ninth graders were basically sluts and would act as if they owned the school. That may have been why. I was not a part of that majority, but far from it. I did very well in school, yet I would not classify myself as a nerd, although some might say I look like one. I was just me, no cliques attached, despite my “nerdy” glasses. Gee said he liked my glasses when I first got them, which made me swell up with happiness at the time. I did not give a fuck what everyone else thought after that. Gerard was the artist of the family, and man, could he draw! I was always amazed at the masterpieces he created, which was something I could never do in my wildest dreams.
We grabbed our school things and left the house, locking the front door behind us. Since Gerard was a senior and had his license, he was able to drive us to school every day and park in the senior parking lot. It beat taking the bus to school; for we could sleep in and drive straight to school, opposed to waking up earlier to run to the bus stop and pray to god we didn’t miss it. Yeah, having an older brother did have its perks.
Gee and I made it to school just in time to hear the bell ring, signaling students they had to make their way toward their respective homerooms before the homeroom bell rang in another two minutes. I hugged Gerard before departing in the direction of my homeroom, which were organized alphabetically and by grade. I did not have any classes with my brother because we were in different years, but we did share the same lunch period. Although the two cafeterias are separated (freshmen and sophomores in one, juniors and seniors in the other) I sneaked into the upperclassmen cafeteria to hang with Gerard. Luckily my tall height helped me blend in and I had never been caught for being in the wrong room.
When sixth period lunch finally rolled around, I easily found my brother and his friends in their usual spot, the booth in the far corner. I would not say they were his friends, now that I thought about it. I mean, they were originally, but they became my friends as well. I sat next to my brother, of course, and opposite of us was Ray Toro, a puffy haired brunet who was killer at guitar and had an obsession with cereal bars, and Bob Bryar, a quiet blonde with amazing skills at drums. We always made fun of Bob because he was a member of the marching band, in the percussion section, obviously.
Nothing unusual took place at lunch, except for Gee going on and on about the anniversary. I tried to look just excited as him, to make him happy. It was really killing me on the inside. Why couldn’t he talk about me that way? As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I buried it. I was being selfish thinking such a thing; I should be happy for my big brother, even if he was unknowingly hurting me in the process.
The end of the lunch period sounded with another bell. I said goodbye to everyone and moved quickly to my next class, Algebra. This was the only period I could spend time with my best friend Frankie Iero, who looked scene with his makeup and fashion sense. He was a little short for his age and he would get irritated when anyone brought up that fact. I could tell him anything, well, almost everything. Frank knew I was gay and had a crush on some guy, and he was fine with that, especially when I said it was not him. The thing he was not aware of was the guy I was in love with. It’s kind of sad, really. I could not even tell my best friend I loved my brother in a not so brotherly way. That was the only secret I kept from him.
Algebra went by quickly as usual. Frankie and I whispered quietly to each other when Mrs. Dolan’s back was to us. She turned around from the white board sharply, in hopes of catching the students not paying attention. Her tactic had not worked out well so far. Frank and I did very well and that class and really did not need to give her our full attention. We were not disrespecting her or anything; it was only because we had learned all this crap in middle school for crying out loud. Why were we being taught the same stuff again? It was pointless, if you asked me, but I did not particularly care after I figured out Frankie and I could goof off during class and still get an excellent grades.
The bell rang once again, so Frank and I hugged and said our good byes before departing for our next period class. The rest of the day seemed to drag on after that. I did not share any classes with my friends in my remaining two periods, so time moved more slowly in my mind. The bell finally rang its last annoying ring for the day, and I smiled. Gee and I were going to get home and have the house for ourselves! Now that school was done for the week, the reality of that seemed more tangible. I rushed to my locker to put away the books I did not need and took out the necessary ones.
I met up with Gee like I do every day after school, by the main office entrance. When he was in sight I could tell that he was visibly upset, which took me by complete surprise. Gerard had been cheerful the entire day, even though the reason for that happiness caused a sharp pain in my heart. He was perfectly fine at lunch. What could have happened in those last three periods to put him in such a state? My big brother turned and his eyes connected with mine immediately. He motioned with his head for me to follow him and I did so. The deadly aura surrounding him told me it was best not to speak with him at the moment. I slid into the passenger’s seat, buckled my seatbelt, and kept my mouth shut.
The ride home was totally silent; he did not even bother to turn on the radio to fill said silence. I was concerned for my brother. I hated to see him upset, but there was no way I could have helped without getting a verbal thrashing. Gerard’s hands gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were turning white. All I was able to do was look at him helplessly. After what seemed like forever, we finally made it home. Gee and I would usually talk about our day and whatnot, which would make the ride home that much quicker. Today was not the case.
With his face still contorted in anger, Gee turned off the car, pocketed the key and got out of the car with the strap to his school bag over his shoulder. He slammed his car door and stomped his way toward the house. Fortunately, I exited the vehicle before him and rushed toward the house to unlock the front door. He would have probably gone ballistic if the door had not opened right away. When Gee was on a short fuse, the tiniest little thing like waiting to enter the house would set him off. I did not want the neighbors to see my brother like that.
I opened the door and made sure I would not block my brother path once he made it inside. I sat on the couch in the living room with my school books next to me. Gee entered the house a second later, still having not said a single word to me since lunch. He threw his school bag down on the floor fiercely. The sound was startling and caused me to jump slightly. He continued stomping downstairs to his bedroom in the basement. Gee slammed the door shut and I could hear a soft click, which meant he locked his door.
The house was dead silent for a minute or two. I contemplated checking on him, that is, until what happened next. Gerard started yelling incoherently and made a lot of noise. I pictured him throwing things across the room and hitting his bedroom walls. He was so loud. The only intelligible thing I could catch was “fucking bitch” and then some more screaming followed.
I hated when my brother got like this. It did not happen very often, but it killed me inside because I could not help him right away. I had to wait until he tired himself out and cooled down before I could go to him. I sighed to myself and took my schoolwork to my room. I might as well do something to pass the time while Gee was on a rampage.
I finished my homework in a half hour period. I could not hear my big brother making any noise, but felt that it was still too soon to approach him at this point. I watched TV for a while, and then got bored with it after about an hour. To occupy myself, I started dinner. What’s something so easy a culinary retarded fifteen year old could make it? Mac & Cheese, of course. Who honestly did not like Easy Mac? Well, maybe someone who was lactose intolerant… Okay, besides those people, then.
I poured the cheese covered noodles into two bowls and set them on the kitchen table with spoons adjacent to them. I believed now would be the best time to check on Gerard. I was getting more worried with each passing second. Remembering Gee locked his door, I swiped the key from my parents’ room that could unlock every door in the house. I warily made my way down the stairs, doing my best to make as little noise as possible.
I carefully inserted the key into the keyhole and turned it. The door unlocked and I put the key in my right front pocket. I slowly turned the gold knob, while pushing the door open a crack with my other hand. When the door was opened just enough to fit my body, I poked my head inside.
“Gee?” I said quietly, not wanting to surprise him. I could see my brother from my place by the door. He was slumped in his wooden desk chair facing the corner of the room closest to my right. On the floor was two empty cartons of orange juice and in his hand was a quarter full bottle of vodka, another empty vodka bottle was by his feet.
I cringed at the sight before me. Gerard was so upset he resorted to drinking screwdrivers… not the tool! It is a drink… a mix of vodka and orange juice. Ever heard of it? You’re impossible. Why and how would he drink a tool? Anyway, he had a mini refrigerator in his room for those times when he needed complete focus on what he was drawing or painting that he could not leave his room. He must have stashed those bottles of vodka there, I concluded.
Taking a moment to look around, I noticed his room was in total disarray. Although he did leave his artwork everywhere on a normal basis, this time was different. Things like paintings, drawings, and sketches were torn, shredded, and balled up in piles on the floor. Paint cans were knocked over (their contents had not spilled, thankfully) and his desk drawers had been relocated across the room. I did not believe he heard me when I called to him, for he continued looking up at the ceiling, his eyes unfocused.
As my eyes traveled down his body, I noticed the rather large bulge in his pants and automatically blushed, averting my eyes to his shoeless and sockless feet. I nearly forgot that when Gee got drunk, he also got aroused as well, no matter the situation. He could be upset like he was now and still be rock hard. I swallowed the lump in my throat and willed the color in my face away.
I called his name again, a little louder this time. I caught his attention and he lazily lolled his head in my direction. Anger was still etched onto his beautiful, pale face, but not as much as earlier.
He stared at me for about a minute before slurring calmly, “I made her that.” He motioned toward a picture in the pile with his hand that was holding the glass bottle. I was not sure which one, but I nodded my head anyway. “I was going to give it to her later today for our anniversary, but no. The fucking bitch dumps me.”
Gerard’s voice got steadily louder and angrier as he went on. I slid my body in between the door and the doorframe, and then closed the door behind me silently. I was happy on the inside that Gee and she weren’t together anymore; but I could not let him know that. “How the hell could she do that?! Why the fuck…?! I cared about her so much and look what I get! Absolutely nothing! God, I want to kill that whore!”
He struggled to get to his feet and took a few steps toward me before stumbling over the mess on the floor. I immediately appeared by his side to stop him from falling, placing my hands on his hips while trying to ignore the tent in his pants. Gee continued ranting, “Ah, fuck! Why did I think it would last?! God, damn I’m a fucking idiot! No one fucking cares about me!”
“I care about you,” I interrupted. He looked at me confused, so I added with a hug. “I love you, Gee.”
He dropped the alcoholic beverage and hugged me back, which made me glad. He was going to get through this. Without warning, I was suddenly pushed with my back against the wall.
“What?” I blurted out before my brother thrust his tongue into my mouth. The taste of vodka and orange juice invaded my taste buds. My eyes widened when realization of what was happening hit me, and Gerard pulled back.
“Let’s see how much you really love me,” he growled. My arms were pinned between our bodies as he raped my mouth with his tongue. His body was pressed hard against mine and I could feel his arousal on my hip. I was frozen in my spot; I did not know what to do. One side of my brain told me to let it happen. The man I have secretly been in love with for years was kissing me so enjoy it. The other side argued that it was my older brother! I was fucking sick to indulge in such a thing. I pulled away and looked into his eyes for the answer. Gee’s hazel eyes were glossed over from his earlier activities and filled with lust. He did not love me the way I dreamed he would, but was too drunk to realize he was making out with his baby brother. I did not want it… not like this.
I struggled to get free, but was only pushed harder into the pale gray wall. He screamed, “You’re not leaving me too! I won’t let you!”
Even in his drunken state, Gerard was much stronger than me. I could not get away from my brother’s hold. His right hand was gripping my hair harshly, which prevented my head from any movement. He slipped his other hand in between us and roughly grabbed my package and massaged it. I could not help but let a moan escape my mouth, despite my efforts of swallowing the sound. The only way I wanted Gee to touch me like this was when he meant it, not while he was under the influence.
I supposed he mistakenly took my surprised moan as one for desire, for he then grabbed my wrists and forcefully moved me on his bed. Before I could even react, he was on me and picked up where he had left off. Gee continued touching and kissing me as I laid there, eyes closed tightly and motionless. He stopped his ministrations for a moment, and I cracked an eye open, thinking he passed out or something. I thought wrong. Still straddling me, he pulled his Iron Maiden shirt up over his head and starting working on his belt. A new fear went up my spine and what was going to happen next slapped me in the face.
I began struggling again, but all my efforts were fruitless. Gee moved up my body and sat on my chest, his body weight keeping me immobile. Now was a time I wish I was not so lanky. He switched his body around so his back was facing me. His hands fumbled with my own jeans at this point, and my incessant kicking was only aiding him in the removal of my pants, which was the opposite of what I was trying to accomplish.
He flipped back around after my pants were removed; his jean clad crotch rubbed against my boxer covered one, creating an amazing friction. Another unwanted sound erupted from my throat and a grin appeared on his face.
“Please, Gee! Stop!” I begged tears forming in my eyes. My pleading fell on deaf ears; for he removed my glasses, tossing them in a random direction, and angrily took my lips once again. Gee took off my shirt and boxers and practically ripped off his jeans, the lack of boxers having to do with the fact he was wearing his tightest pair of pants. There was no room for the undergarment when wearing them.
Tears were freely falling from my eyes, traveling down my face. Gerard took no notice and without a word, pulled my legs over his shoulders and slammed himself into my entrance. I screamed in agony from the sudden pain. There was no stretching, no preparation, only a groan of pleasure from the male above me. My brother was hurting me emotionally, and now he was hurting my physically. He continued thrusting in and out of my tight and fragile body at a quick pace. All I could do was cry and scream, begging him to stop. He once again did not hear me.
“Is this how you like it?!” he shouted, moving even more roughly.
My body felt like it was being split in two. The indescribable pain was getting worse, and I began to feel a liquid escaping my hole. The man I was in love with was making me bleed. I clawed at the sheets beneath me, a useless attempt at gaining a grip on something, anything. Even through all of this, I was somehow still aroused. Damn this betraying body. I started jerking myself off, trying to focus on something pleasurable to ignore the anguish plaguing my body. It did not work like I had hoped, but I did manage to rid my erection away. I believed the tightening of my muscles from coming made Gee go over the edge; since he released himself in my body moments later.
He collapsed on my beaten and cum covered body, falling asleep right away. The cum stung my insides, and some exited my body along with more blood. My tears had not ceased since they began when my big brother first entered my body. I laid there for a while, not being able to move an inch. My brother just raped me. I had always dreamed of Gerard and me engaging in sexual activities, but I most definitely did not have in mind the event that had recently taken place. How could someone I loved so dearly afflict such agony upon me?
I knew the answer to that question after a minute of contemplation. I deserved the treatment I received. This was God getting me for my sinful and incestuous feelings for my brother. I was never to gain the love I craved for, and was punished for said cravings with rape carried out by the one I loved. I cried even harder from my conclusion until I finally fell asleep from exhaustion.
8/6/13