Pick Me Off The Ground
Pick Me Off The Ground
He missed.
He can’t believe he fucking missed.
Gerard sits in a hospital room, currently under observation after surgery. His entire neck plus some of the back of his head is wrapped up in dressing to keep the skin substitutes in place.
Its all to cover up the hole he created when he tried to shoot himself, but he was an idiot and missed hitting his spinal cord.
And now, well, things are a bit awkward.
Mikey sits with him, but isn’t saying anything. He doesn’t seem to know what to say. The last words Gerard got out of him were before the operation, after he had been discovered. Through his slipping in and out of consciousness, he saw his little brother look at him with tear filled eyes and ask “Why would you do this, G?”
Why?
Because everything’s fucked, that’s why.
Because he let things and people get to him, and he relapsed into drinking. He disappointed Lindsey, his friends, and Mikey was lying whenever he said he understood. Gerard could always feel the disappointment radiating off him every time Gerard picked up another shot glass, or slipped his flask into his pocket. He had failed his fans, his daughter. And the only way out had been to break up the band that had been his livelihood for the past 12 years.
He had gained back some of his health, but lost the very thing that had always defined him as a person.
Gerard Way, the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned.
Now he was...what?
He didn’t even know anymore.
Someone who can’t even kill himself the right way, apparently.
Suddenly, Gerard has the urge to apologize. He turns to Mikey, who has his head bowed, but there is no phone underneath it like usual. He is literally just staring at the ground.
“I’m sorry, Mikey. I’m so sorry.” Gerard says, his voice raspy and not fully recovered. “I never meant to put you through this.”
Mikey looks up. His eyes are puffy and red, with heavy bags underneath them to boot. Guilt shoots through Gerard again.
“Didn’t mean to put me through this?!?” Mikey sounds befuddled, “You just meant for us to find your dead body after? Is that it? Yeah, that’s so much better Gerard.”
Gerard bites his lip.
It had been Lindsey who found him, actually.
He’s not entirely sure how he’s ever going to be able to look her in the eyes again. Not like she would have been much more okay with it had he succeeded, but he supposes he should have been a bit more considerate of her sanity.
Its not like anyone else was going to find him first.
At the same time, he couldn’t really think of a way to soften the blow. He didn't even bother with a suicide note. All he could think of was his own, unyielding depression.
Selfish.
Stupid.
Worthless.
Gerard begins to cry, or at least his body tries to. Tears are spilling out and his lip twitches, but he struggles to sob. He’s still a bit groggy from the several operations he’s been through in the past 12 hours. He lowers his head, hoping Mikey wouldn’t see. A gentle touch suddenly graces his right shoulder, and he turns around.
Lindsey is back from dropping off Bandit at her sitters, and shes looking at him with all the worry in the world.
He wonders if she’ll grow to hate him for this.
She squeezes his shoulder, and uses her other hand to wipe away some of his tears. Its almost as though to answer the unspoken thought.
No.
She could never hate him.
24 hours later, Gerard is back at home.
The bedroom is completely cleaned of his blood and flesh, and Lindsey says that Mikey had hired to people to clean up the place while they were at the hospital. Gerard makes a mental note to give Mikey a more extensive apology another time. He figures his brother feels less than keen to talk to him now, as this time he really is disappointed.
He lays in bed, looking over at the spot where he had done it, just a few inches away. Where he had put the handgun in his mouth, waterfalls of tears pouring from his eyes.
Where he had failed yet again.
“Bandit’s going to stay over with Kim and her kids.” Lindsey explains as she sets out a tray with her homemade pancakes on it, as well as some porridge and scrambled eggs. “I told her we were leaving for the weekend.”
Gerard nods, picking up the fork and starts yanking off a tiny bit of pancake.
Even at a time like this, Lindsey’s pancakes are always hard to resist.
“So...” Lindsey sits at the side of the bed, and she places a hand on one of Gerard’s legs. “We should probably talk.”
Gerard sighs and throws down the fork.
“I’m sorry. I never meant to put you through this.” he gives her the same bit he gave Mikey. He’s looking off to the side again.
“Honey, this is a gazillion times better than what we’d been going through right now if you’d succeeded.” Lindsey explains, but doesn’t seem comforted. “But thats not what I mean... I mean what the fucking fuck were you thinking?!?”
Her voice raises a little as she completes her question.
Ah, so she does feel a bit of anger after all.
Gerard faces a crossroads. Does he lie to her and tell her how he realizes it was a stupid idea and tell her he totally regrets it and would never attempt it again? That would probably shorten the conversation a good amount, but then he’d be making promises he’s not sure he intends to keep.
Does he be honest with her, and tell her how shitty he’s felt since he posted that damn break up speech on the internet?
He knows she knows at least somewhat of it. She watched him sink into a depression for the past month. Shes been too busy trying to hide it from Bandit to really talk about it with him much, however.
He and Lindsey had never been the kind of couple that constantly talked about their feelings. They both always had their own worlds, as they were both powerhouses in the music and art industry. They were partners in raising Bandit, lovers in bed, and best friends in conversation. Laughing at all the same stupid jokes and texting each other silly text messages whenever they were on opposite sides of the country.
Gerard had been so preoccupied putting his bad emotions into lyric writing that he forgot how to talk about them with anyone else. And Lindsey had always been cool, calm and collected herself. She possessed a stoic beauty that had always turned Gerard on. She only ever seemed to throw her emotions into her artwork.
But now Gerard had no music to write, and obviously, something had to give.
He stares at her now and her expression is anxious, an emotion he’s only seen her wear during her pregnancy with Bandit.
He can’t bring himself to lie.
If he couldn’t talk to her about things like this, who else was he supposed to talk to?
“I don’t know...” he begins, shifting awkwardly, “I haven’t felt well since the band broke up. But you probably already know that.”
Lindsey nods.
“...I just reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore,” Gerard continues, and suddenly he finds the words tumbling out of his mouth easily, “I feel like everyone hates me for what I did. And I know a lot of people really do. And I kind of hate myself for it too, but I don’t know what else I could have done. Everyone’s telling me what a selfish monster I am, but they don’t understand the situation. Its not like I can tell them what happened that night...”
Lindsey’s eyes flash at that.
He is referring to one night, where he relapse into alcoholism had reached it’s peak.
He could still feel the sting of his hand, when he had slapped her across the face.
Bandit’s wails as she cradled her reddened cheek.
And Lindsey’s screams as she absolutely lost her cool, saying if he ever did that again she would murder him then and there.
“...that night that I realized I had to stop.” Gerard continues, “I can't tell them how I never wanted to be that person again. But I feel just... a different kind of worthless now. What am I going to do if nothing I do takes off after this? What will happen to our income?”
“Well honey, killing yourself is actually really counter productive to that.” Lindsey interrupts, “But that isn’t important...”
She sighs and puts aside the tray of food that he’s not eating anyway, with the exception of the pancakes. She climbs into the bed with him and wraps her arms around him lovingly, and he in turn places his hand on her hip.
Her embrace is like a medicine that soothes him instantly, as he had always mentally referred to her arms as his safe place. He closes his eyes and relishes it.
He thinks maybe he should go to his safe place more often.
Maybe then, things like the other night are less likely to occur.
“...whats important,” Lindsey goes on, “..is that you’re alive. The money doesn’t even matter if you’re not here.”
He thinks he feels moisture hitting his neck, and realizes that she’s crying. He runs his hand up and down her side, caressing her form.
“I love you so much.” Lindsey nearly whispers. “Please never do anything like this again. You have to be here for me. For Bandit. Even for Mikey. You didn’t even see how crushed he looked when he showed up after I called. We’ve been worried about you, babe. And to think that we almost lost you....please....don’t ever...”
Lindsey begins to openly cry now and Gerard just lies there with her, planting kisses on her forehead.
God, he’s a dumbass.
Putting her through so much pain..isn’t this why he quit drinking to begin with? He hadn’t wanted her to suffer. He was done with the nights that he went off on drinking binges, forgetting to go home or even call his family to let them know he was alright. He was done with the lying as to how much he’s had to drink.
He was done with the excuses.
He had wanted to protect both her and Bandit.
He pulls away after a moment and looks her in the face, and does his best to smile.
“I promise, I won’t let it happen again.” Gerard combs a hand through her .long raven hair, which is now greasy and tangled in the chaos of the past few days. “You’re so right. I never wanted to disappoint any of you and I guess that’s pretty much exactly what I did.”
“Please just talk to me whenever your upset.” Lindsey pleads, “Even if I can’t help you, I’ll find something or someone that can.”
“I will.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
Gerard holds out his awkward pinky to do a pinky swear with, and Lindsey laughs.
“Now how about more of those pancakes?” Gerard asks, lightening the mood. Lindsey nods enthusiastically and scurries off to make more. Gerard watches her leave, contemplating.
He will always protect his family.
Even if that meant he needed to protect them from himself.
END.
He can’t believe he fucking missed.
Gerard sits in a hospital room, currently under observation after surgery. His entire neck plus some of the back of his head is wrapped up in dressing to keep the skin substitutes in place.
Its all to cover up the hole he created when he tried to shoot himself, but he was an idiot and missed hitting his spinal cord.
And now, well, things are a bit awkward.
Mikey sits with him, but isn’t saying anything. He doesn’t seem to know what to say. The last words Gerard got out of him were before the operation, after he had been discovered. Through his slipping in and out of consciousness, he saw his little brother look at him with tear filled eyes and ask “Why would you do this, G?”
Why?
Because everything’s fucked, that’s why.
Because he let things and people get to him, and he relapsed into drinking. He disappointed Lindsey, his friends, and Mikey was lying whenever he said he understood. Gerard could always feel the disappointment radiating off him every time Gerard picked up another shot glass, or slipped his flask into his pocket. He had failed his fans, his daughter. And the only way out had been to break up the band that had been his livelihood for the past 12 years.
He had gained back some of his health, but lost the very thing that had always defined him as a person.
Gerard Way, the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned.
Now he was...what?
He didn’t even know anymore.
Someone who can’t even kill himself the right way, apparently.
Suddenly, Gerard has the urge to apologize. He turns to Mikey, who has his head bowed, but there is no phone underneath it like usual. He is literally just staring at the ground.
“I’m sorry, Mikey. I’m so sorry.” Gerard says, his voice raspy and not fully recovered. “I never meant to put you through this.”
Mikey looks up. His eyes are puffy and red, with heavy bags underneath them to boot. Guilt shoots through Gerard again.
“Didn’t mean to put me through this?!?” Mikey sounds befuddled, “You just meant for us to find your dead body after? Is that it? Yeah, that’s so much better Gerard.”
Gerard bites his lip.
It had been Lindsey who found him, actually.
He’s not entirely sure how he’s ever going to be able to look her in the eyes again. Not like she would have been much more okay with it had he succeeded, but he supposes he should have been a bit more considerate of her sanity.
Its not like anyone else was going to find him first.
At the same time, he couldn’t really think of a way to soften the blow. He didn't even bother with a suicide note. All he could think of was his own, unyielding depression.
Selfish.
Stupid.
Worthless.
Gerard begins to cry, or at least his body tries to. Tears are spilling out and his lip twitches, but he struggles to sob. He’s still a bit groggy from the several operations he’s been through in the past 12 hours. He lowers his head, hoping Mikey wouldn’t see. A gentle touch suddenly graces his right shoulder, and he turns around.
Lindsey is back from dropping off Bandit at her sitters, and shes looking at him with all the worry in the world.
He wonders if she’ll grow to hate him for this.
She squeezes his shoulder, and uses her other hand to wipe away some of his tears. Its almost as though to answer the unspoken thought.
No.
She could never hate him.
24 hours later, Gerard is back at home.
The bedroom is completely cleaned of his blood and flesh, and Lindsey says that Mikey had hired to people to clean up the place while they were at the hospital. Gerard makes a mental note to give Mikey a more extensive apology another time. He figures his brother feels less than keen to talk to him now, as this time he really is disappointed.
He lays in bed, looking over at the spot where he had done it, just a few inches away. Where he had put the handgun in his mouth, waterfalls of tears pouring from his eyes.
Where he had failed yet again.
“Bandit’s going to stay over with Kim and her kids.” Lindsey explains as she sets out a tray with her homemade pancakes on it, as well as some porridge and scrambled eggs. “I told her we were leaving for the weekend.”
Gerard nods, picking up the fork and starts yanking off a tiny bit of pancake.
Even at a time like this, Lindsey’s pancakes are always hard to resist.
“So...” Lindsey sits at the side of the bed, and she places a hand on one of Gerard’s legs. “We should probably talk.”
Gerard sighs and throws down the fork.
“I’m sorry. I never meant to put you through this.” he gives her the same bit he gave Mikey. He’s looking off to the side again.
“Honey, this is a gazillion times better than what we’d been going through right now if you’d succeeded.” Lindsey explains, but doesn’t seem comforted. “But thats not what I mean... I mean what the fucking fuck were you thinking?!?”
Her voice raises a little as she completes her question.
Ah, so she does feel a bit of anger after all.
Gerard faces a crossroads. Does he lie to her and tell her how he realizes it was a stupid idea and tell her he totally regrets it and would never attempt it again? That would probably shorten the conversation a good amount, but then he’d be making promises he’s not sure he intends to keep.
Does he be honest with her, and tell her how shitty he’s felt since he posted that damn break up speech on the internet?
He knows she knows at least somewhat of it. She watched him sink into a depression for the past month. Shes been too busy trying to hide it from Bandit to really talk about it with him much, however.
He and Lindsey had never been the kind of couple that constantly talked about their feelings. They both always had their own worlds, as they were both powerhouses in the music and art industry. They were partners in raising Bandit, lovers in bed, and best friends in conversation. Laughing at all the same stupid jokes and texting each other silly text messages whenever they were on opposite sides of the country.
Gerard had been so preoccupied putting his bad emotions into lyric writing that he forgot how to talk about them with anyone else. And Lindsey had always been cool, calm and collected herself. She possessed a stoic beauty that had always turned Gerard on. She only ever seemed to throw her emotions into her artwork.
But now Gerard had no music to write, and obviously, something had to give.
He stares at her now and her expression is anxious, an emotion he’s only seen her wear during her pregnancy with Bandit.
He can’t bring himself to lie.
If he couldn’t talk to her about things like this, who else was he supposed to talk to?
“I don’t know...” he begins, shifting awkwardly, “I haven’t felt well since the band broke up. But you probably already know that.”
Lindsey nods.
“...I just reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore,” Gerard continues, and suddenly he finds the words tumbling out of his mouth easily, “I feel like everyone hates me for what I did. And I know a lot of people really do. And I kind of hate myself for it too, but I don’t know what else I could have done. Everyone’s telling me what a selfish monster I am, but they don’t understand the situation. Its not like I can tell them what happened that night...”
Lindsey’s eyes flash at that.
He is referring to one night, where he relapse into alcoholism had reached it’s peak.
He could still feel the sting of his hand, when he had slapped her across the face.
Bandit’s wails as she cradled her reddened cheek.
And Lindsey’s screams as she absolutely lost her cool, saying if he ever did that again she would murder him then and there.
“...that night that I realized I had to stop.” Gerard continues, “I can't tell them how I never wanted to be that person again. But I feel just... a different kind of worthless now. What am I going to do if nothing I do takes off after this? What will happen to our income?”
“Well honey, killing yourself is actually really counter productive to that.” Lindsey interrupts, “But that isn’t important...”
She sighs and puts aside the tray of food that he’s not eating anyway, with the exception of the pancakes. She climbs into the bed with him and wraps her arms around him lovingly, and he in turn places his hand on her hip.
Her embrace is like a medicine that soothes him instantly, as he had always mentally referred to her arms as his safe place. He closes his eyes and relishes it.
He thinks maybe he should go to his safe place more often.
Maybe then, things like the other night are less likely to occur.
“...whats important,” Lindsey goes on, “..is that you’re alive. The money doesn’t even matter if you’re not here.”
He thinks he feels moisture hitting his neck, and realizes that she’s crying. He runs his hand up and down her side, caressing her form.
“I love you so much.” Lindsey nearly whispers. “Please never do anything like this again. You have to be here for me. For Bandit. Even for Mikey. You didn’t even see how crushed he looked when he showed up after I called. We’ve been worried about you, babe. And to think that we almost lost you....please....don’t ever...”
Lindsey begins to openly cry now and Gerard just lies there with her, planting kisses on her forehead.
God, he’s a dumbass.
Putting her through so much pain..isn’t this why he quit drinking to begin with? He hadn’t wanted her to suffer. He was done with the nights that he went off on drinking binges, forgetting to go home or even call his family to let them know he was alright. He was done with the lying as to how much he’s had to drink.
He was done with the excuses.
He had wanted to protect both her and Bandit.
He pulls away after a moment and looks her in the face, and does his best to smile.
“I promise, I won’t let it happen again.” Gerard combs a hand through her .long raven hair, which is now greasy and tangled in the chaos of the past few days. “You’re so right. I never wanted to disappoint any of you and I guess that’s pretty much exactly what I did.”
“Please just talk to me whenever your upset.” Lindsey pleads, “Even if I can’t help you, I’ll find something or someone that can.”
“I will.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
Gerard holds out his awkward pinky to do a pinky swear with, and Lindsey laughs.
“Now how about more of those pancakes?” Gerard asks, lightening the mood. Lindsey nods enthusiastically and scurries off to make more. Gerard watches her leave, contemplating.
He will always protect his family.
Even if that meant he needed to protect them from himself.
END.
