Hold my heart; it's beating for you anyway

Frank's POV
It was a strange feeling. I used to wish that I would die. I tried to kill myself so many times but it never worked out. I was too weak to cut deep enough. I was too scared to swallow enough pills. I wasn't brave enough. That's why I wished that I would have a car crash or a disease that would kill me. I really really wanted to die.
And now I am lying here. In a hospital bed not able to breath without the oxygen that they pump through the tube in my nose.
Two years ago my doctor told me that I'd most likely die. And that my heart isn't nearly working as good as it needs to.
It took me weeks to realise that my dream actually come true. But it took me only seconds to realise that my dream was a nightmare. I never really wanted to die. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted the pain to be over. I wanted to be saved.
There was no one to save me so I had to save myself.
I went to a hospital and they started with my therapy. Several hundreds maybe thousandths of pills. I took them all and no one of them helped me. I got weaker everyday. Until the point I couldn't even stand up. The pills were starting to damage my kidneys so they had to minimize the dose and quantity. Their alternative treatment was surgery. I don't know the exact number but it have been plenty. They helped me a little but none of them healed me.
Now I am just laying here and listening to the machine which records my heartbeat. The sound calmed me. It was a little slower than it should be but it was there.
I was alive. But I didn't know for how long. My last conversation with the doctor destroyed all my hopes. He said my heart wouldn't make it much longer and that I'll either get a new one or die.
This hit me harder than everything before.
I knew the chances. There are not much people who donate their organs. And there are even less people who donate their hearts. Furthermore someone has to die. All their organs have to be in a good condition, they have to die due to brain death and they had to want it.. Otherwise organ donation wouldn't take place.
I sat in my bed and waited for someone to die. A mother or father robbed of the life. A family which would be destroyed. People who would lose their everything.
There were many moments I wished that I did die when I actually wanted to. It would have saved me from this. It was a torture. I was in mental and physical pain.
I often thought about taking all the pills and just die. But I wasn't brave enough which was weird cause I was brave enough to live.
Dying wouldn't change a thing. The person who would donate their heart one day would die anyway. Their death wouldn't be my fault. It would just save me. It wouldn't be for nothing.
I tried to convince me everyday that it was the right thing to stay alive. The right thing to save. That there was something to live for.
But with everyday I had to wait the pain got more and more unbearable and my hopes started to fade away and it took my will to survive with it.
If the heart wouldn't come in the next weeks I wouldn't make it.

Notes