She Always Hated The Cold.

A month had passed, it was 1:14 am in the morning, and Frank was passed out next to me. I’d just slept with him for the first time, and I felt absolutely disgusting. It wasn’t that he was bad in bed (he knew a trick or two) it was just… He had guilted me into it. And I was scared. Who knows what would’ve happened if I said no? Would we be over? Would we fight? It was obvious Frank was not in a forgiving mood tonight, so I said “Okay.” And he did what he needed to do, and now he was asleep, and I was far from it.
*Flashback*
“Baby please?” Frank asked, rubbing my thigh.
“It’s too early, Frank. I’ve only known you a month and a half…” I replied, feeling uncomfortable.
“I know, but I need this, I need you. I can’t stop thinking about my dad, and it fucking hurts. Distract me for a while?” He looked at me with those big, pretty eyes of his.
“I just feel like we should wait just a little longer…” I really wished he would stop, I did not want to do this tonight.
“Oh. I get it. Ditch me when I need you most.” He sneered.
“No, no, no!” I said quickly, kissing him deeply. “I’m sorry.”
**
My phone beeped a few seconds later. It was a text from Gerard.
YOU STILL UP?
YEAH…
ARE YOU BUSY?
NOT REALLY
MIKEY AND I FOUGHT AGAIN…
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO MEET?
THE PARK?
SEE YOU IN TEN
I made my way down to the park, and saw Gerard already on the bench. This was our meeting spot. Gerard’s face was puffy and red, and no words were said. I sat down and wrapped my arms around him, and let him cry. “He doesn’t understand… I was just a little kid..." He sniffled. “He still blames me.”
“Blames you for what?” I asked, running my fingers through his messy black hair.
“I was 7… Mikey was 4. My mom, she worked a lot, and my dad had just passed a year earlier… She left us with a sitter, who was really nice, and all three of us had a lot of fun… Until her boyfriend started coming over. Things escalated so quickly… He made us do things to each other, in front of a camera, and if we didn’t... he would hit us… hit us bad. It was summertime, so she would just say on our way to the pool Mikey fell down the stairs. They never really hit me, only him. Except for once, I tried to hit back, yell at them to stop, hit their legs… and her boyfriend kicked me in the stomach, hard enough that I coughed out blood, then passed out while Mikey sat in the corner crying for mom. Mom never found out until years later. It was far too late by then. And he still hasn’t let it go. He still blames me, for everything. And he hates my fucking guts. But I need him… I need him so much. I guess he’d blocked it out, but somehow recently it all came tumbling out.” I was speechless.
“Gee… I don’t know what to say…” I rocked him slowly.
“Just tell me how to get him back.” Gerard pleaded.
“Make him face it head on.” I said quietly. “Make him remember. He can’t go on blaming you like this… You’ll lose him forever.”
“I’ll try…” He sat up, wiping his face. “Ya know, I really like you.” He said hugging me in a friendly way. “For the record, you can run away with me anytime you want.”
“I might just take you up on that.” I muttered. After tonight… I just didn’t feel the same about Frank. I stood to my feet, and felt pain from the soreness between my legs, another reminder. He didn’t bother to be gentle. Not that it was rape, just that he knew what he wanted and he wanted it right then. It was funny, for a moment I actually felt like I might love him. But then reality took a big bite out of my ass. “You gonna be ok, Gee?” I asked.
“I will be.” He nodded. “Eventually.”
I huffed, furrowing my brows. “Listen, Gerard. I get that he’s your brother, and you’re doing your best to fix the relationship for good reason, but if you try, and he gives you the cold shoulder, back off him for a while. He’ll either admit it to himself, or he won’t. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Don’t waste all of your time on this shit that makes you unhappy, do something for yourself.” Gerard was silent for a long time.
“Would you be interested into coming to one of those art classes I told you about next weekend with me?” He asked quietly.
“Maybe… If you buy lunch.” I grinned, hitting his arm playfully.
“Deal.” He nodded with a slight smile, hurt still in his eyes.
“How’s the drinking thing going?” I asked, sitting back down as he lit up a cigarette. I’d decided to stay away from cigarettes. They just weren’t my thing.
“I’ve cut down around half as much as I used to drink now. I haven't been drinking near as much, which is good. I remember more. But I still have the urge to drink much more than I choose to admit.”
“I understand. My dad was a drinker.” I explained.
“How’d he kick the habit? Not that I want to, I’m just curious.” We both stared at the dead night ahead of us, not at each other. The night was amazingly peaceful and quiet.
“By dying.” I said, tying my hair up in a bun on top of my head. “See, I’m not much of an expert on statistics, but I’ve heard that that method is 100 percent effective for long lasting results.”
“Oh, shit, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Shit happens. I’ve grown, I’ve accepted... The only thing you can’t fix is just how much you miss them all the time, and all of the things left unsaid.” More comfortable silence. He turned to look at me, and pulled me in for a side hug. It was then that I realized I was crying. Crying over my dad, crying over Frank, who wasn’t what I expected him to be, crying over the terrible information I’d learned about Gerard.
“You’re my best friend, you know what?” I asked, my voice embarrassingly thick. “Would you sing to me for a moment? Something sad.”
“Why something sad?” He asked, rubbing my side in slow, comforting circles.
“I read this fact that if you listen to sad songs when you’re sad, it actually makes you feel better.” He nodded.
“Okay. But I don’t really sing in front of people, so if I sound so God-awful your ears start to bleed, let me know.”
“Will do, chief.” We were quiet a few more moments while he decided on a song. “So long to all my friends, everyone of them met tragic ends. With every passing day, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I miss them all tonight…” He sang, sinking me into a further state of relaxation. I'm not sure what he meant about my ears bleeding, his voice sounded fine. Different, yes. More raw, and less pretentious than others, yes. But not bad. 3 songs later, I sat up, and dried my eyes.
"Thank you. I feel a lot better. Honestly, I'm not even sure what that was, I'm usually really good about hiding that kind of stuff."
"Don't." Gerard said. "Isn't that the point of friends? Having someone to lean on when you need them?" He asked.
"Yeah." I nodded. "But I'd better get back..."
"Okay." He stood, and I hugged him around his middle.
"I'll see ya later." I said in farewell. When I got back, Frank was still fast asleep. Thank God. I wasn't in the mood for questions. I crawled back into bed, and hummed the same melody Gerard sang for me before, and quickly fell asleep.
-
"This game is fucking hard." Gerard bitched, tossing his controller aside and making a sour face.
"You're never gonna get better if you keep being a little bitch." I replied, kicking mega Call of Duty ass. Gerard had called me over and told me how things with Mikey went: The worst possible way things could've gone. Mikey even threw things at Gerard, the evidence clear as Gerard had a now healing gash on his arm, and id decided to stay. Distracting him seemed the best way to handle it.
"I feel like you're more of a man than I am." Gerard laughed. I gasped and slapped his good arm.
"I do girlie shit too!" I defended. "And you're right, I've been doing boy stuff all day! It's time to inject a little estrogen into this situation."
"How?" Gerard asked, suddenly wary. I ruffled his hair,
"I think we could both use a change of scenery."
"Oh no."
"Oh yes." I grinned. "How do you like the color red?"
"No way!"
"It would look so good!" I argued. "If you don't like it, you can go back black, I promise."
"Fine." He rolled his eyes. "But ONLY because it might look really rad. Not because you're the one asking."
"You're the best! Frank would never do anything cool like this with me." I grabbed his car keys.
We both got into the car, him driving.
"Yeah, there's a lot of shit Frank won't do... But there's a lot of things he will." Gerard muttered.
"What does that mean?" I asked, getting defensive.
"Just that he controls you, and you let him." To the point.
"He does not Gerard."
"Remember a couple weeks ago when you all of a sudden couldn't go to that art class with me?"
"I didn't go because Frank was getting jealous for whatever reason and I didn't want to deal with the repercussions of going!"
"Long story short, you limit yourself to appease him, or save yourself the trouble."
"Take me home. I'm not doing this." I crossed my arms. Fuck him and what he thought he knew. "You've sufficiently pissed me off."
"Not only that," Gerard continued, totally not taking me home. "But... How do I say this...?" He looked pained.
"Just say it, Gee."
"I think he might be cheating on you." He rushed out.
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"So like, I'll hang out with you, and you smell like flowers. You've always smelled like flowers. But later I'll hang out with Frank, and sometimes he smells like flowers, but most of the time, he smells really fruity... And why would he purposely smell like fruit? He hates that shit."
"Take me to Frank's, please."
He did as requested. Hadley always wore a really fruity perfume. Now I might be far off base, but I had to be sure. Frank had said he was feeling under the weather today, but when I offered to take care of him, he quickly refused.
We pulled up at Frank's, and I walked right in. There was shuffling on the couch, and as I approached, two people hurried to clean themselves up.
"Oh, hey Hadley." I greeted. "You and Frank hang out often?" I asked calmly.
"We're just doing homework." She said lamely.
"Funny, I don't happen to see any binders... Or papers... Or pens... Interesting."
"We were seriously doing homework." Frank said awkwardly.
"Fuck you both! If you wanted to get back together you should've just said something! Dude, I've totally been wasting my goddamned time. Why didn't I just fucking break up with you earlier?" I asked myself.
"Shut up, Jess. I'm only fucking Hadley because you're fucking Gerard!" I laughed out loud. "What, you think that's funny?" He spat.
"Absolutely. You guys enjoy each other. But for good measure," I paused, slapping Frank with all my might. My hand stung, but I didn't acknowledge it. I turned on my heel, and walked back out to Gerard's car.
"Please tell me I wasn't right," he begged, driving off.
"Frank and I are no longer an issue." I replied.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"Yep!" I replied.
We bought the hair dye, and took turns doing each other's hair. I went back all the way chestnut, while Gerard went fire engine red.
"It really brings out your eyes." I smiled.
"I don't know how I feel about it." He replied. "I'll keep it for a few days and decide then." He decided.
"Sounds like a plan, Stan."
-
The next week at school sailed easily. I'd actually been doing my work, and with a mix of me and tutorials, Gerard was passing too. Now, he only seldom participated in PE (a huge step up) but when he did, I always got a good laugh. Some sports, like baseball, he was great at. Badminton, though, he sucked. Bad. Besides the whole Frank mishap, everything was perfect right now.

Notes