A Thunderstorm Into A Rainbow
Chapter Five - What A Performance
The first time I went to Gerard's to talk to Lyn-Z I felt really nervous. I'd been there, any times before and it was basically my home away from home. Lyn-Z always made me welcome and I loved taking Cherri and Lilly to see Bandit. I knocked on the and felt my heart melt when Gerard opened the door. I really wanted to talk to him again but when he made no effort in a conversation I gave up and talked to Lyn-Z. When I had gotten home I had resorted to cutting again. I've been living at the apartment talking Jamia that I need space to write music and she was fine, I went back for dinner everyday and played with the kids before going back and sleeping. I haven't let anyone see my arms, so no one knows, thank god.
I saw Gerard now and then when I went to their house to sort out dates for Death Spells to perform. When he Lyn-Z had sad he would show up the the first 3 shows my heart did a little flip. He turned up to the sound check and it gave me a new lease of life, so I was jumping around playing as hard as I could whilst trying to sing.
***
But tonight was the night. My first live show in about 2 years, and I couldn't help feel nervous. After one of the other support acts had finished it was our turn to set up, and Lyn-Z wished me luck before joining Gerard on the side of the stage. I smiled meekly at him but he didn't even acknowledge it. I worked on and plugged my guitar into its amp. We started to play out first song and I was just getting into it when I froze.
The last time I did this I had Gerard by my side, smiling radiantly at me giving me the encouragement I needed. I hadn't realised that he was the reason I could perform. And know I was here without him and the guys. I wasn't right and I felt completely alone, even though I was in a room packed with about 2000 people. People who were staring and I could here hissing and booing coming from the crowed.
Before I knew what I was doing I had dropped my guitar and sprinted off the stage and out the back door, I ran and ran until I found a small dirty ally somewhere round the back. I felt like and emotional bomb that was about to explode. I started crying and I couldn't stop. I checked all the pockets of my jacket but I couldn't find what I was looking for. I pulled out my lighter however and held it up to my wrist, letting the flame lick greedily at my exposed flesh. It wasn't enough, sound I searched the ground around me, and I found a glass bottle, that I smashed, jagged pieces of glass going everywhere. I picked up the biggest and sharpest bit and pushed it against the already raw and burnt skin on my left arm. I pulled quickly and felt the cool crimson liquid our out over my arm, stinging, but taking with it all my strangled emotions.
But before I could saver the sweet relief the cut was giving me I heard a lousy and strangled cry come from behind me and before I had chance to see who it was they was knelt down beside me, engulfing me in a warm hug, pulling me onto their lap. I started sobbing into their chest, not caring who it was any more.
I felt the tears start to subside, and the spoke softly into my ear and I knew immediately who it was. I felt my pains ease slightly at the sound of their voice.
I saw Gerard now and then when I went to their house to sort out dates for Death Spells to perform. When he Lyn-Z had sad he would show up the the first 3 shows my heart did a little flip. He turned up to the sound check and it gave me a new lease of life, so I was jumping around playing as hard as I could whilst trying to sing.
***
But tonight was the night. My first live show in about 2 years, and I couldn't help feel nervous. After one of the other support acts had finished it was our turn to set up, and Lyn-Z wished me luck before joining Gerard on the side of the stage. I smiled meekly at him but he didn't even acknowledge it. I worked on and plugged my guitar into its amp. We started to play out first song and I was just getting into it when I froze.
The last time I did this I had Gerard by my side, smiling radiantly at me giving me the encouragement I needed. I hadn't realised that he was the reason I could perform. And know I was here without him and the guys. I wasn't right and I felt completely alone, even though I was in a room packed with about 2000 people. People who were staring and I could here hissing and booing coming from the crowed.
Before I knew what I was doing I had dropped my guitar and sprinted off the stage and out the back door, I ran and ran until I found a small dirty ally somewhere round the back. I felt like and emotional bomb that was about to explode. I started crying and I couldn't stop. I checked all the pockets of my jacket but I couldn't find what I was looking for. I pulled out my lighter however and held it up to my wrist, letting the flame lick greedily at my exposed flesh. It wasn't enough, sound I searched the ground around me, and I found a glass bottle, that I smashed, jagged pieces of glass going everywhere. I picked up the biggest and sharpest bit and pushed it against the already raw and burnt skin on my left arm. I pulled quickly and felt the cool crimson liquid our out over my arm, stinging, but taking with it all my strangled emotions.
But before I could saver the sweet relief the cut was giving me I heard a lousy and strangled cry come from behind me and before I had chance to see who it was they was knelt down beside me, engulfing me in a warm hug, pulling me onto their lap. I started sobbing into their chest, not caring who it was any more.
I felt the tears start to subside, and the spoke softly into my ear and I knew immediately who it was. I felt my pains ease slightly at the sound of their voice.
Is this EVER going to update?? X
5/22/14