Headfirst for Halos

The next morning I had felt content for the first time in a while. I was sitting in the cafeteria eating breakfast with Patrick, Pete, and Gerard. It was the first time in a while where I had just let myself be in the moment, without having to worry over everything that's happened lately.

And for that, I treasured this little shred of normalcy. But sadly, nothing good lasts forever.
About ten minutes into breakfast Lindsey had come in and motioned Gerard to follow her with a look plastered to her face that could only be described as sorrowful. I hadn’t thought much of it at the time, but as thirty minutes had gone past without the presence of Gerard, I began to grow anxious.

I had two options, I could go and see where Gerard had gone off to, or I could sit here and listen to Patrick and Pete ramble on about who knows what. As I contemplated my options I figured that anything was better than sitting here swirling the soggy cereal in my bowl with a plastic fork.

So with my decision made I jotted down a quick excuse about my mother visiting, with the notepad Gerard had lent me, and made my way out of the cafeteria of watchful eyes.

As I made my way down the white halls with the white floors and the white lights, I tried to stay out of sight as I wasn't quite sure I was supposed to be out and wandering.

A few minutes later I had reached Gerard’s door and without hesitating I had rested my hand on the handle and pushed forward. I felt stupid for doing such a thing, I mean, what if he was asleep? Or had company? Or was indecent? But nothing could have prepared me for the scene I did walk in on.

The room was dark, and there was Gerard, on the ground, curled up, with tears streaming down his face. But what was more alarming was the blood trickling down his arms. I didn't, couldn't react to what I was seeing. And it suddenly occurred to me that I knew nothing about Gerard; not really. I didn't even know why he was in here.

I took a few slow, tentative steps towards him, trying not to startle him. And when I did reach him, I leant down, placing my hand carefully upon his shoulder, but he didn't react. It was like I wasn't even there.

I didn't know what had happened, and I couldn't really ask, so I did the one thing I felt I could to console him and pulled him into my side; wrapping both arms around his torso. Almost immediately he was sobbing into my shirt, and it was such a strange sight, to see Gerard crying.

For the short time I had known him he had been the strong one, but suddenly I was reminded back to the day I first saw him in the hall, being restrained and screaming; and I wasn't quite sure what was wrong with Gerard.

He had almost seemed like a perfect, normal, functioning human being. But as I stared at him now, with his resolve crumbling away before me, I could see underneath the facade. And what I saw I didn't think would ever leave me. His eyes looked empty, hollow, as he pulled away to look into my eyes.

I was confused though, because I could have sworn I saw the emotion of guilt reflected behind the tears. What had happened?

When Gerard had calmed down a bit and he was sitting on his own, I decided to ask what had happened using the notepad. And I felt a touch of embarrassment at the sight of my messy handwriting.

He was silent for a moment before whispering, “Its Elena, my grandmother..”

I nodded for him to continue, already guessing what he was going to say.

“She’s dead.” He choked out.

But what I didn't expect was what he whispered under his breath.

“And it’s all my fault.”

It was at this moment that I desperately wished I could talk, to say something; anything. I just wanted to console him. It was not his fault, and I wanted to let him know that so I scrawled it hastily upon the paper and practically waved it in his face.

He shook his head in denial, “No, you don't understand, it is, I wasn't there for her, I should have been there for her. None of this is fair.” He cried.

I didn't know how to make him understand that it wasn't his fault, so I settled for wiping the tears from his eyes and rubbing his shoulder; trying to convey to him that it would be okay.

As I carefully brushed the hair from his face I looked behind him at the sheets of loose paper strewn across the floor. They were all of the same woman, and I figured it was Elena. She was drawn beautifully, with an array of reds, whites, and blacks.

As I looked back towards Gerard’s face, my eyes travelled down to his arms; still drenched in red. And with a start I realised that I needed to get him to one of the doctors. I quickly stood up, bringing him with me. He gave me a confused look, and so I pointed at his arms and tried to once again pull him with me. But suddenly he stood still, and his feet were practically cemented to the ground. He shook his head no, a look of apprehension in his eyes.

But I didn't have to try again as in that exact moment Lindsey burst in with a grin on her face, “Guys I bear good..” her sentence abruptly cut off as she took in the situation.

“Oh Gee, not again.” She said with such a heartbroken look. Wait, again? Oh god.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, his eyes cast downwards.

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up alright?” She said gently, grabbing his arm and leading him out of the room. I felt like I should follow, but I couldn't seem to move my feet. I took a deep breath, trying to comprehend what had just happened. Gerard’s grandmother died, Gerard hurt himself, and apparently it isn’t the first time either. I couldn't process any of this.

I quickly walked back to my room, entering and sitting down on my bed. I glanced down at my own arms, the white bandages still covering what hid underneath. But they couldn't hide it forever, the scars would always remain. With that thought I removed the bandages slowly, not entirely sure if I was ready to see the wounds caused by my own hand.

When the bandages were gone, I had a clear look at the angry, red scars littering my forearms. Staring at them I felt a small sense of numbness. It was almost like I hadn’t quite processed entirely what had happened. And there was another feeling, but I wasn't quite sure whether it was regret or satisfaction.

A lot had happened today, and I felt like I had to sleep to be rid of the memories. So I laid down and let the feeling of nothingness seep into me; before falling into a sleep riddled with nothing but nightmares and darkness.

So long, and goodnight.

Notes

oh my god im sorry this took so long, i kept editing it and everytime i had something decent written and i literally closed the screen of my computer it would delete and it was so fucking frustrating i swear to god but its up now okay so dont attack me

~Battery & Insanity