“You’re sure you don’t want to come to the game, Gerard?” My brother, Mikey, asked me sympathetically as he was walking toward the door, on his way to meet Bob.

“Yeah, I’m sure. Frank Iero’s fan base isn’t really my crowd.” I replied snottily, never looking up from my developing drawing. I wasn’t actually sure what I was drawing yet.

“Whatever, dude. Just know that Bob’s gonna miss you there.” Mikey began to head toward the door.

“Trust me,” I looked up then, “He is not that sentimental” At that, my brother snapped his head around and glared angrily at me.

“Don’t be such a pretentious asshole, Gerard. You are plainly Bob’s best friend, and he wants you to support him. He just wants you to be a good goddamn friend for once. Jesus fucking Christ.” So just tell me why you all are here. I felt bad for being such an asshole – I knew I was, no thanks to Mikey’s little lecture – but I couldn’t let it show.

“Tell him not to get his hopes up. You shouldn’t either.” I turned my attention back to my drawing, wanting the conversation to end before I let any remorse show, which would have happened eventually.

“Dick.” Mikey muttered before resuming his stride and slam the door behind him.

I let out a deep sigh and threw my pen against the slanted desk, off which it promptly rolled. Pinching the bridge of my nose with my freed hand, I squeezed my eyes shut in hopes that I might just squeeze all of the things that were scurrying through my head out too. Of course, life was never that easy, why would it be? I was a dick. And I had to deal with it every day of my goddamn life. It’s the only thing that I was fucking well at doing, aside from pushing the few people that actually care about me away, that is. I often found myself asking some unrealistic deity why I couldn’t just be a good person and have a good life and doo good things and have good relationships. I wanted to know in the worst fucking way. That’s what makes it easy for me.

***

I soft knocking came at my door a few hours later and I called out, “There’s already a raven in here,” in hopes that whoever was knocking would understand what I meant.

“Maybe it’s time to let him out, brother,” Mikey said as he opened the door softly.

“Fuck that was deep.” I laughed cynically.

“I mean it, Gerard, but that’s not why I knocked.” I wanted to tell him how I wished I could let my raven go, but it was not the right time.

“Well then, to what to I owe the pleasure of your visit at this late hour?” I was laying the cheese on thick, but it seemed as though Mikey was lactose intolerant.

“Funny, Gerard, but seriously, Bob and Ray are here, come chill with us. Be cool.”

“I never wanna be cool, Mikes.”

“Just do it, you arrogant dick.” My little brother had a playful smile on his face, but I knew he was being at least semi-serious.

“Fine, Fine,” I conceded wearily. It was the type of night that I just wanted to stay in my room alone, but I knew that I had to do something to make it up to my friends for blowing them off tonight, so I decided to just suck it up.

“Hey, asshat,” Bob greeted as I entered the basement with my head focused on my feet.

“I don’t –“ I stopped dead in my tracks the moment I saw Frank Iero sitting in the spot that Ray should have been sitting in. I wanted to ask where Ray was, but there was a more pressing matter that needed to be addressed. “You get the fuck out of my house,” I snapped at Frank. Mikey rested his hand on my shoulder as if to calm me down, but it only fueled my hate fire, and I ripped myself out from under his grasp.

“Gerard,” Bob began, but there wasn’t going to be any explanation. I didn’t want one.

“I don’t give a shit about what you have to say.” I interjected before turning on my heel, walking up the stairs and out the door, to god knows where. Why the fuck would Bob think that it would be okay to even consider inviting Frank to ‘hang out’ with us? Why would Mikey concur? Those two see, first hand, what Frank and his friends say and do to me.

I had no plan of where I was going, but I knew I wasn’t going to go back to that house until at least one in the morning; when they were either asleep or gone. I could only hope for the latter. A crisp breeze made me instantly regret not grabbing my wallet or at least a jacket; it wasn’t the warmest night in New Jersey.

In an attempt to forget the cold, I tried to figure out what the hell Frank was doing in my house after a football game. At the very least, he should be home and sleeping if not at a party getting hammered. That’s what quarterbacks do, after all, right? What business did Frank have to do with Mikey and I? There was no way that he just wanted to spend time with us or get to know us. Even though Mikey and Frank weren’t on bad terms, as far as I knew they weren’t on good terms either. So what would the point be? So Bob was there. What of it? Frank was still in a hostile environment, provided by me, if not by Mikey too (which it hadn’t looked to be that way), hanging out with two people that he really didn’t know at all. I don’t know about him, but I sure as hell wouldn’t ever want to be in that situation, and I’m not incredibly different from the rest of the human population. As I walked down the deserted New Jersey sidewalk, I began to feel sorry for myself. There were countless existential reasons why, but for the most part I just felt sorry that I didn’t even grab my fucking cigarettes on my way out the door.

Before too long, I heard a pair of feet running behind me. If I said I hadn’t expected to be mugged, I would be lying, but the feet only belonged to my lanky brother.

“Gerard, stop!” Mikey yelled from some distance behind me. I obliged. Once he had caught up to me, Mikey stated that Bob and Frank had left.

“Why were they there in the first place? And why would you lie to me about it?” I interrogated. “I know you’re not that blind, Mikes”

“Frank wanted to make amends. None of us expected you to be that upset,” He said innocently.

“He what? You? WHAT?” My brain had become muddled between the cold and the use of “Frank” and “amends” in the same sentence. “He has verbally tormented me for years! He and his motherfucking posse have taken to beating the shit out of me all at once because they know that none of them can individually take me on! He makes my life a living hell, on top of all of the other things that I have to deal with! And you didn’t think that I would ‘be that upset’?! I’m sorry, but are you FUCKING RETARDED?!”

The boy put his arms up as if to suggest his ignorance of the deeds Frank has done, but I was furious. First of all, Frank did not want to make amends, not permanent ones, at least. I knew that as soon as school came around on Monday morning Frank would be right back in his ways again; as soon as he got around his friends. If there was any good inside Frank Iero, it was overshadowed in the demons that surrounded him.

“I’m sorry, Gerard. I really am. I should have known better, I just thought that it would be nice to, you know, take a step forward.”

“Look,” I said, sighing to calm myself down momentarily. “I’m not necessarily angry with you. I was just shocked. This does not mean I want to hear an apologetic word from Frank’s mouth, because it won’t mean shit. Let’s just forget about tonight and go home – I’m tired.”

Notes

Olo! (Megamind anyone?)

Anywhore... this is the first big difference you may notice in the re-write.

There are three songs that I would have you listen to whilst reading this chapter (though it probably won't take you three songs' length.)

in order of priority:

1) Jesus Christ (title song) by Brand New
2)Burst and Bloom by Cursive
3) I can't take it by Tegan and Sara

I probably won't update this coming week because of final exams, but after that ... ITS SUMMER.

Love it or leave it, but leave comments prease?

xoBunny <3