All the smiles that’ll forever haunt me

I decided to ignore the pain in my gut and the overwhelming emotion that was summed up to be Gerard and found solace in myself those next few days. After speaking with Frank that afternoon, I chose to make myself a recluse, after Mia left and to poor Mikey's expense, he had no idea why. He seemed the most unaware of the events that were taking place in such a short space of time and in such a restricted area but I was thankful that at least someone didn't know everything about me or assumed to know everything. It was peaceful in a weird sense. I liked it, being alone because then I couldn't hurt anyone. It was easier, although Gerard strongly disagreed with it.

On Mia's final night everything was tense when we'd gone to watch the final performance. That night was also a blur and I could barely remember most of it. It wasn't anything specific but it just didn't feel right. Frank and Gerard were hardly speaking, I'm not sure what happened after I had spoken to Frank but to be perfectly honest I didn't even want to know. I felt incredibly guilty purely because none of this would have happened if I hadn't come on tour. I even thought that Frank and Mia would still potentially have a chance if I weren't here but, I don't know anymore.

Although I didn't want them to, thoughts of Gerard and Vanessa still circled my mind but I tried to push it out, as hard as I tried it was still nagging at the back of my brain. Thinking about the fact they he was going to see her again at warp made me want to leave with Mia. I wasn't strong enough to handle it. I just wanted to enjoy the last night we all had with Mia, peacefully and with no tears.

Of course that didn't happen, especially when Mia and I were left alone. The crowd were wild and the bar was filled with contentment as MCR filled everyone's ears and heightened alls expectations of the next band to play. Mia and I held hands as we just pushed ourselves into the music and the alcohol, swaying, singing and smiling. I remember a lot of the sad smiles as well that night.

I think when I started crying, purely because of everything, Mia had smacked my arm and when i'd asked her why on earth had she done that, she shook her head and said-
“Don't you even think about crying Winona because...” she sniffled. “...awh shit, now I'm crying.” That was pretty much the rest of the evening while it was just Mia and I. I loved and cherished every second of it. Most likely, that night would've been the last time I ever I saw Mia.

When the guys had finished playing, I spoke with Ray and Mikey firstly, jumping between them, Mia and Frank. Bob and Gerard more or less kept to themselves and I'd notice Gerard looking at his phone but I did nothing. I didn't speak to Gerard and he didn't attempt to speak to me which I was thankful for. I just wanted this to be about Mia. When a slow song had begun to play, the final song of the night, Frank had taken Mia's hand and asked -'For old times sake?' which made us all smile profusely. I watched them, a passionate flame which had died out to an ongoing friendship that I'd hope would last forever for their sake. They were good and happy when around each other. They deserved everything that life had to offer, I'm a little sad that I'd probably never get to see it.

We all woke the next morning, hungover and Bob still even a little drunk. In my black tracksuits that were tucked into my fluffy red socks, and Gerard's oversized hoodie, I'd waited outside, smoking alone while waiting for Mia to bring all her belongings out of the bus. Halfway through the process, she came outside, a little red faced, thankful for the rain and asked for a cigarette.

“The boys are capable of doing the rest.” she smiled as she took a drag of her cigarette.

“I was not aware that you had this much stuff or that you could even fit this all on here.” I laughed to which to she reciprocated.

“Just think, you'll have more room...!”

“Right...especially with five other guys who will jump at the opportunity for another free bunk.”

“No, I officially give you my bunk to keep for the rest of the tour. I even left a note on there.” I shrugged with a smile to which she raised her eyebrows to. “You are staying for the rest of the tour, aren't you?”

“I don't know.” I murmured and I had hoped she hadn't heard me but of course she had.

“You better stay on the rest of the tour or so help me god I will track you down and drag your scrawny little ass back here!”

“Hey, my ass isn't that scrawny!” I said shoving her a little. She laughed momentarily but there was something she was holding back. I could sense it.

“What's wrong?” she waved her hand but I held my stare. She rolled her eyes and smiled.

“I can't help but worry about you. I mean, I'm only a year older than you but I feel as though I'm someone who has to protect you from all your troubles. I feel guilty for leaving...you especially.” I began to shake my head but she held up her hand and spoke very slowly. “You have potential to be happy Winona...you just have to take it and keep hold of it.”

I looked away as I could feel the tears beginning to slide down my cheeks. “You don't see how wonderful you are and how happy you make the rest of the guys. I mean, you kept me sane on this tour.” She laughed as she wiped away my tears.

“I'm going to miss you.” I smiled crookedly at her. She nodded and sighed.

“I know.” It was then, she threw her cigarette to the ground and wrapped her arms around my shoulders and held me tightly, restricting the air that I needed but I didn't care. I held her back just as tightly, burying my face into her shoulder. I hadn't realised the little ache in my heart at the moment was not only sadness but guilt on my part. In some little way, I'd promised her to be happy but I was going to break that promise, I was sure of it.

Her taxi arrived, parked on the curb in front of the bus, and the man began to pack the belongings that were now all placed carefully on the ground. She spoke to the guy briefly before making her way back over to me.

The guys slowly emerged from the bus as Mia stood with her hands on her hips, facing us all, the others standing ahead of me as I leant against the bus. Frank stood closest to her, smiling at her encouragingly, the same squirrel like smile I'd seen the first time I met him.

“Wait, where's Gerard?” she said her eyes flickering between us five. “Gerard!” She screeched.

“I'm coming!” You heard from within the bus. Suddenly, he was down the steps in a pair of black jeans and an Iron Maiden T-shirt, his hair all over the place, with a bright smile, revealing all his small teeth that I had fallen in love with.

“Good because I couldn't make my mini soliloquy without Mr Gerard Way!” Mia said gesturing her hands dramatically towards him. He bowed in return and nodded for her to continue, leaning not too far away from me against the bus. He didn't look at me.

“Okay...this is super weird. A little surreal actually but...guys, seriously. It's been amazing. Although we had the rough patch here and there, and yes I am directing that at you Frank-”

“I take full responsibility!” He cheered to which Mia slapped him for.

“Don't interrupt!” She grinned. “Anyway, it's been awesome none the less, especially having another girl on tour!” She pointed at me which made me laugh, most of it caught in my throat, attempting to hold back the tears.

“Now, Bob...you're an awesome drummer and seriously dude, there will be more cupcakes for you to eat. I promise you that, just...don't put them near Ray, Okay?”

“I'm holding you to that.” He smiled as he took a step towards her, hugging her quickly.

“Goodbye buddy.” he said patting her shoulder.

“Bye man...” She sighed, then turning to Mikey. “Mikey, little Mikey, baby Mikey with his adorkable glasses...”

“Shut up.” he rolled his eyes, going into to hug her. “I'll see you soon.” he said as she patted his head.

“Of course you will! You still have to beat me at guitar hero.” She smirked. “Afro man...you're the coolest...yup, that's pretty much it!” she said holding her arms out, waiting for his hug.

“Thanks. Take care of yourself.” she smiled, nodding at him, then turning to Gerard.

“Gee! Get your ass over here right now.” she said, mirroring the same actions she had done to Ray. He flicked his cigarette onto the ground and went to embrace her. I noticed Mia whisper something in his ear as she looked at me but I tried not to notice as I was too consumed with trying to control my tears. I wasn't aware I had this many tears left in me.

After saying her final goodbye to Frank, which initially reduced her to tears, she looked back at me, holding her arms out with a little pout. I felt all the others staring at me but I chose to ignore it. I knew I was sniffling horrendously anyway. I did a little run over to her and nearly knocked her over. She tightened her grip around me as we swayed a little.

“Thank you for everything.” I said, squeezing her a little more.

“No, thank you.” She pulled back and rested her hands on my shoulders. “Remember what I said, okay? You're worth it.” she nodded but I could feel my lip begin to tremble. She laughed at me. “Stop crying Winona!” she laughed hugging me briefly again.

Once saying all our goodbye, Mia stepped into the taxi but not before blowing us all a kiss.

“Don't miss me too much!” she said before shutting the door loudly, signalling the man to take her the the destination she'd chosen. She hadn't told any of us where she was going before she was heading back to New Jersey.

The taxi began to crawl and I walked after it, folding my arms across my body, trying to shield myself from this painful goodbye to someone who I hadn't realised how much I'd miss until she was gone. I waved as she turned around in the cab, watching as I got further and further and smaller and smaller away from her before she turned the corner and was gone. I stood there a moment, praying that no one would come near me because i'd most likely begin to cry again. Without looking away from the small patch of grass I'd chosen, I pulled out my cigarettes and lit one quickly.

“Winona?” I'd heard behind me after at least five minutes of standing alone, or so I thought. I knew who it was but I couldn't look at him. I turned my head a little, still staring at the grass.

“I'm going for a walk.” I croaked as I began to take small tentative steps away from the bus and further into my own mind.

I'd felt my heart ache as I heard him say my name. It's ridiculous really how I ever got to this stage. Like I'd told Gerard, I had no idea that anyone could ever love me the way Gerard believes he does. I'm saving him from pain; he just doesn't know it yet. I wish he could understand this, me, truly. I don't think anyone, not even myself has the capability to understand me. I don't understand how from one second I feel like dancing and smiling when I'm around Gerard and then to hide myself away and want to be a million miles away from him.

It had been three days since I'd spoken to anyone apart from Frank who gave me my morning coffee. I'd asked him to just trust me and that I needed some space away before the warp, which we were presently on our way to now. I'd heard Frank a few times blocking Gerard away and Gerard stirring up a fuss but eventually he had backed down, however only last night. He'd even tried calling me while I went on walks when the bus had stopped for 'shopping' purposes and overall rests but I never answered.

I was curled up in my bunk, having folded Gerard's hoodie on his bunk again and I re-read the note Mia had left for me, like she said she had.

I mean it Winona. Make every second count . You can do it. I believe in you. I know you hate it when I say this because you're so confused with yourself but you love Gerard and he loves you, even after all the times you've told him you simply couldn't be anything more than friends. I know how he feels because he's come to me for advice about you. I'm going to tell him, before I leave to just give you some space, time to breath. You'll need it, especially before the craziness of warp.

Love you Win! YOU ROCK!

In those moments, while being alone, I wanted a mother. Not someone who I'd grown up to call mother but one who would be there for their child through rain or shine.
It was all well and good to be around people who cared, at least I hoped they truly did (however at the same time I wish they didn't) but you know that comfort you get once speaking to a mother – their not afraid to tell you you're the wronging participant in a situation but will still make you feel like the most important person in the world and give you the opportunity to make things right, their smile that gives you that little bit of comfort, the one of whom you've admired and aspired to be like...the one who will always be there. That is what I wish I had. While being bullied in first school, I had a mother like that but suddenly it stopped and I don't know why. I missed that. I missed my old mother.

I wanted to call her, to tell her everything that's been going on, to ask her advice on how to deal with all these things. Mia and Frank are determined for Gerard and I to be with each other, I on the other hand would want nothing more than that if I wasn't such a dark person. I needed an outsider's perspective on things. I couldn't think straight while being on the bus around all the others, I needed to get away but this is what i've been longing for for years...to get away, forever.

I wonder what my mother would say to me if I told her I wanted to end my life. Would she agree and say go ahead and do it? Or would she actually care? She's given me no indications to believe the latter. I wish she, the old figure of her was here. She used to be so like my grandmother, emotionally caring.

Notes

Hello! Here's Chapter 20! Hope it doesn't suck and that you're all okay! <3